Awesomesquad assemble!

I had a good day today. I know that most of you who know me on a personal level are saying to yourself “Minigan, a good day to you is a mediocre day with one good thing that happened.” Then, you plot to end my life with a roll of bubble wrap and a pet rock… Well yes, it was a pretty normal day except I got to listen to the White stripes song “Dead Leaves and the Dirty Ground,” and the Killers “When You Were Young.” It makes my day when I unexpectedly hear those songs. Also, I got to say a joke I had wanted to say for a long time. I forget which comedian I heard say it, but I have been waiting to say it for years. The conversation was between My boss “Zulu,” my coworker “The Hobbit” and me “Sexy Beast.” This is it.

Zulu- The owner is going to be in tomorrow morning.

The Hobbit- Good thing I won’t be in tomorrow morning.

Zulu-oh yea

The Hobbit-Well, I’ll be in here tomorrow to pick up my son’s birthday cake.

Zulu- Oh really, how old is he?

The Hobbit- He is going to be five

Sexy Beast- Oh, that’s the year that they kill their parents.

Zulu- Yea, I saw it in a movie once.

Sexy Beast- Me too! The one that was based on a true story?

Zulu- Yea!

My boss and I thought it was really funny, the Hobbit did not laugh. But oh well, fuck him. That joke was funny. I hate that dude anyway. He talks shit on everyone, so I’m pretty sure he talks about me behind my back. I have no proof that he does, but if someone talks about everyone else, you can only assume that the person talks about you. This is not my self-diagnosed paranoia talking; it is perfectly rational thinking. DON’T JUDGE ME!

Anyway, I digress…

The reason I called all of you here today (and by “call you” I mean “you find my blog and start reading)  is because I have come up with a brilliant idea. I have decided to put together an elite team of select individuals to join me to fight crime.  I have researched this for many moons now and I have figured out what members a team like this would require. I have not named the group yet, but here is my (uncompleted) list of positions, my choice and my reason.

  1. Weapon technician- Everett Bradford- This video is the only explanation you need.
  2. Mechanic/ vehicle builder- Jessie James- Other than being a total badass, and married to Sandra Bullock, I chose Mr. James mainly jesse_jamesbecause I associate him with the Discovery Channel show “Monster Garage” where they would take a normal car, and make it into something insane and amazing. Some of their most memorable were: Ford Ambulance-Wheel Stander, PT Cruiser-wood chipper, Police car- donut shop, and the School bus- Pontoon boat
  3. Criss Angel- I don’t have a “title” for him. My only reasoning for even having him in this group is because what he does has to be real magic. I have one condition for him, however. He is not allowed in this group if he insists on having that stupid emo haircut. That only makes him look like a tool, and I don’t allow tools in my club.
  4. Gymnastic trainer- Damien Walters- this one also comes with a video, but it will definitely need some explaining. Not only does Damien make gymnastics look not gay (except for those two times), he also makes me kind of wish I was a gymnast. His agility and ability to scale buildings would be perfect to chase down our enemies, especially if we paired his abilities with Everett’s flame throwers.
  5. Boxing instructor- Now I have two options for this person. Neither of these people are famous for their boxing ability, but I know both of them and I have seen their kick boxing abilities even if only on youtube. The first option is my older brother; the second is one of the owners of the gym that I work out at. Here are the pros and cons for each option:

By the way, sorry about this graph, WordPress was being incredibly retarded.

Bro pros Bro cons
  1. At one point (I’m not sure if he still is) he was ranked #3 in the world for his division in kick boxing
  2. He is my brother, so I can trust him
  3. He has a mouth on him- he can probably trash talk our enemies enough that they get too pissed off to fight properly.
  4. He could probably handle driving Jessie James’s vehicles.
  5. He would be willing to fight dirty
  6. He is fun to drink with
  1. Sibling rivalry
  2. I would never think of my own brother betraying me, which makes him a perfect candidate for being a traitor.
  3. He can be a bit of a douche, but then again, so can I
  4. He would probably lose interest fairly quickly
  5. I doubt he has trained anyone in kickboxing
  6. We would have to fake our deaths to protect our families. That would effectively knock out 2/3 of the people that could carry on the family name.
Owner pros Owner cons
  1. He can punch someone in the stomach and make them throw up
  2. He is a personal trainer, so he can teach the rest of us how to fight
  3. I have no reason not to trust him
  4. He is smart- definitely smarter than my brother (no offence, bro)
  5. He is open to trying different things
  6. He has seen more of the world than my brother
  1. The punch to the stomach thing only happened one time. He could probably do it again, but it cannot be classified as a skill yet.
  2. I don’t know him as well as my brother
  3. Similar as #2 in bro cons
  4. He and his wife are going to have a child. If my knowledge of action movie clichés serves me correctly, this means that he will definitely die.
  5. He can fight, but would he be willing to kill a man if it came to that
  6. I don’t know if he could handle driving one of Jessie James’s monster machines

6. Mentalist-Derren Brown- if you watched the Sci Fi channel (syfy is Derren Brownfucking gay. I refuse to watch that station until they apologize for the attempted murder of my language ) you may have heard of Derren. He had a short lived show called “Mind control with Derren Brown” basically he could hypnotize people and get them to believe whatever he wants. He’s like Criss Angel, except he can get prisoners to tell secrets without torture and he has an awesome British accent.

7. Rich person who funds everything-?????- he will need to buy the tools needed to build Everett’s weapons and Jessie’s vehicles, the abandoned warehouse that we will convert into our super-secret HQ, the gym equipment for the gymnastic area and the boxing area, and whatever magic cards, top hats, trick coins, etc. that Criss and Derren will need.

8. Genetic biologist-?????- someone willing to manipulate the teams genes to give them heightened reflexes, heightened senses, higher running speed, and more agility and stamina.

9. Medic- ?????- someone who can tend to our wounds. I can handle some of the minor stuff, but it would be necessary to have a professional in the team in case shit goes down.

10.  Hacker- ?????- someone who can break through the firewalls of our enemies and steal their information. Also (in extreme cases, or if we  want to use the prototypes of top secret aircrafts) our own government. Sometimes when fighting the world’s filth, you need to get a little dirty.

11.  Stealth expert/ covert ops- ?????- someone who knows how to do things without being seen. They will need to know how to use cloaking devices, and how to sneak up on our enemies.

I do not know my place in this team yet, which scares me because my only discernable talent is writing and that can’t help me fight crime. I don’t know if it’s a good thing or a bad thing if you make a team so completely and utterly awesome that you, the founder of said group, should be kicked out due to uselessness.

If you noticed, the people I have chosen are all real people (except for Jessie James who I assume is a heavily tattooed android sent from the future to steal Sandra Bullock away from the rest of us.) If you have any suggestions of a person who could work well in categories 7-11, or who will work better as the boxing instructor, suggest them. As long as the suggested people for 7-11 are competent, I will consider them. I am hoping to diversify it though, so far everyone in the group is a white male.  I do not want it to be a Caucasian sausage fest, so please take that into consideration as well.

Here are some of the positions that failed to make into my group

1.      The Eater- Takeru Kobayashi – really, the only reason for him being in the group was to eat any incrimidating documents if the government tried to break into our fortress. I decided that all of our paper would be made out of the pulp from oranges, and taste delicious, so that everyone would eat them if such a situation would arise.kobayashi

2.      Ammunitions expert- ?????- thrown out because that is what the internet is for, and everyone in the group would be armed to the teeth in high tech weaponry, not just guns.

3.      Ballistics expert- ?????- ditto

4.      Aquatics trainer- Michael Phelps- really the only reason I thought he would be a good idea is because we could mutate him into more of a man/fish hybrid that what he already is.

5.      Priest- ?????- I doubt that any priest will be willing to shoot someone. I just wanted a man of the cloth on our side to make sure Yahweh would be cool with what we would be doing.

Oh, and most importantly, I forgot to tell you our first nemesis. It is Donald Trump’s hair.

yes, yes, all shall bow to my mighty folical glory!

yes, yes, all shall bow to my mighty folical glory!

Peace between the fleece with chicken grease.

Be sure to check out the thrilling second and third installments of the Awesomesquad!

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5 Comments

  1. I dreampt this morning that I suggested to you that these guys:

    should be your version of “good henchmen” but then I woke up and realized they’d only be good for standing around and obstructing things. Not totally useless, but damn near.

    I should be on your squad. First of all, I’m a chick (last time I checked) so I’m pretty sure the Guild of Calamitous Intent or something would force you to let me affirmative-action-wise. I could also pass off from some kind of Hispanic if I spend more time out in the sun or in a tanning bed so there’s your “color.” I say I’m a ninja, but not like a superhero-worthy ninja; however, I have other functions.

    First of all, (and I know this is reiteration) I’m a girl. I know my breasts aren’t that big, but you have to have someone with boobies around who makes spandex look good. And really, that should be reason enough, but we shall continue.

    I am a million plot twists waiting to happen. If those dudes sleep with each other…okay, those would be even BETTER plot twists, but America’s not ready for that yet. I know you’re not writing a book and that this is real life, but it’s got to be interesting nonetheless for when the made-for-TV movie comes out.

    I’m a living decoy. Everyone knows villains target small, seemingly helpless ladies. I can play this part. Along the same vein, I can play many parts. Sometimes your chosen hero will have to disguise himself and he’s going to need a fiancé to make buying that car from Fat Tony’s dealership seem plausible before ripping into the back room and breaking up the child sex ring going on back there. Oh! Which reminds me…

    You need someone compassionate. Someone to herd the children out and tell them everything’s going to be okay. You can try, but they’re going to be scared of 200 pound muscle-y dudes. Also, your dudes will go crazy a la Edward Blake/The Comedian if they’re surrounded by other badasses all the time. Killing people is not exactly okay, so you’ll need someone to remind them. I see you’ve kicked out the priest (which I assume you picked priest over reverend or anything because priests come with costumes) and you don’t have a psychologist, so you’ve completely ignored the mental health of your squad. My sympathy or empathy or whatever will be very useful. Dudes tell chicks their feelings. Also, I’m good at applying band-aids and coddling. (No I didn’t spell cuddling wrong.)

    Also, I think you should consider GMZ, an 18-year-old trouble maker who upset President Obama and Fox News’ Twitter feeds, among others for your hacker. He’s young, a loose-cannon, and already comes with a sweet-ass name.

  2. […] nemesises (what the fuck is the plural form of “nemesis?) are, look at the first two. they are here and […]

  3. […] you have not read the first three Awesomesquad blogs, you can find them: right here, over here, and way over […]

  4. […] you have never read any of the previous Awesomesquad Assemble! posts before, you can find them here, there, in this general vicinity, at this location, and way over here. I would definitely read the […]

  5. […] this is the third installment of the revisiting of my first Awesomesquad! post, you should read the first two if you haven’t already done so. They are here, and […]


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