Awesomesquad Assemble 2: Rise of the K-Oh, Damn That’s A Fine Ass!

Can a honky get a motherfuckin WOOT?!

honky

As you can tell by my previous exclamation, I am rather excited. I got my second tattoo this weekend and it turned out better than expected. I also got to spend time with my PA friends, which only happens once every couple of planetary revolutions. Basically, it was a party. Other than two of my friends missing (including my one best friend) all of my closest friends came together almost coincidentally to the house of a kid I’ve never talked to before. A couple of my friends were going, and they invited me along.

It was at said party that I realized how not fun I am. There was a beer pong tournament going. I did not play because I had to drive myself home, and I am responsible like that. Instead, I sat near the table and watched. After a while I began to think of how disgusting that game is. The ping pong balls were on the floor more often than in the cups, and at one point, a ball landed in a shoe. To “clean it off” you dip the ball into a cup of water that one has dunked the ball into countless times before.  As I watched, all I could think about was whether or not the players washed their hands. Worse yet, I thought all of this and still wanted to play.

my friends are partiers

my friends are partiers

Ok, enough about me and how I suck at life, but still miraculously still have friends, and onto what you really wanted to read: Updates from my last blog!

I’ve added three new members, and two of them are women. Goodbye sausage fest-Hello coed mixer!

The first is Ashley Caggiano and she is my Jane of all trades. Her mastery in Tai kwon do will make the group hard to beat when we combine it with the kickboxing skills of my brother and/or the gym owner. Also, (and this is going to sound sexist) she can cook and clean. If you are offended by that reason, continue reading before you write me angry comments. I say that she can cook and clean because I’ve seen her do both. I work with her, and she is pretty much the only person that cleans the Writer’s Studio. I’m not saying that she would be the maid; I’m saying that she would teach the group to not be slobs. And as for the cooking, she makes awesome cupcakes and baked goods in general. ashleyI know that After a hard day of fighting bad guys, and  possibly losing the big baddie that we were trying to capture, it would sure lift everyone’s spirits if someone quickly whipped up a batch of fudge brownies. She also gave me a bunch of good reasons in her comment on my last blog post. This brings me to the most important reason that I am hiring her to my team: Her balls. Not only did she have the tenacity to ask to join, but she also gave many good reasons of why she should be allowed in. I need that kind of incentive and determination on my team. To anyone else who wants to join, sorry but posting a comment to persuade me to join only works once.

The Second person is someone that Miss Caggiano suggested. I looked into his credentials, and I have decided that GMZ should definitely be my hacker. It takes a maverick renegade like GMZ to turn the world on its head. I am confident that he could hack into the Dutch Mafia’s computer system and  get the information on the choco-cannibi smuggling plans, and the schematics to the bomb that will blow up the Hershey factory.

The third addition to my group of crime fighters is my friend Emily Kohlberg, who will be the team psychologist. This position does effectively destroy one of Ashley’s arguments, but its worth it. Not only will Emily keep the peace, and the mental health of the team at a healthy “sane,” she can also question the people we capture alive with Derren. While Derren uses mind manipulation his own way, Emily can use the Hannibal Lector method (IE digging into the painful memories of our detainees past to extract information.) Granted, she may not be 100% suitable for hand to hand combat. I’m not saying she’s fat; I’m saying that we don’t want our resident psychologist to be killing people. She could totally kick some ass if she wanted though.

I also have an update on the debate you have anxiously forgotten all about: who will be the boxing instructor? On Friday as I was drinking with my brother, I spoke of the blog post and the debate, and he informed me that he was certified as a boxing coach a week or so ago. I also told him of the gym owner being able to punch a man in the stomach hard enough to make the man throw up, and he said that he will learn to do that. This puts my brother ahead in this competition I didn’t even know I was going to have. If the owner of my gym wants to be in my group he’s gonna need to step it up a notch.

And finally, our second villain is Kim Kardashian’s evil twin Kim Kardassian. Kim KardassianShe is a formidable opponent because her hypnotic ass can cause a zombie like state or even fighting between the males in the group. She could even be able to hypnotize the ladies, but it will be more difficult. It will be up to the women to save the (currently unnamed squad) from the evil clutches of a perfect badonkadonk.

Peace of shit

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7 Comments

  1. You have made a wise choice, sir.

    Though Kim could hypnotize me initially, I could wake myself up from it, I’m sure. I have really selective bisexuality that I can easily turn off.

    Piece of sheet.

  2. […] if that doesn’t work out, I always have this to fall back on.  (Do some scrolling and read the previous post.  And then read the rest of his […]

  3. […] sure to check out the thrilling second and third installments of the […]

  4. […] you have not read the first three Awesomesquad blogs, you can find them: right here, over here, and way over […]

  5. […] know you’re reading this just as much as Criss Angel and Damien Walters have read all four of my Awesomesquad Assemble! posts. So I’ll make a deal with you; I’ll let myself believe that you are reading […]

  6. […] have never read any of the previous Awesomesquad Assemble! posts before, you can find them here, there, in this general vicinity, at this location, and way over here. I would definitely read the last […]

  7. […] sure to check out the thrilling second and third installments of the Awesomesquad! Rate this: Share this:TwitterLike this:LikeBe the […]


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