The City of Champions Stikes(out) Again.


Holy national pastime Batman!

How often can a single city say that every professional sports team that calls that city home has proven themselves to be the best in a single year? Well this year Pittsburg did it. We all know about the Steelers and the Superbowl, the Penguins and the Stanley Cup, and now the Pirates.

For all twelve of you who still find America’s pastime interesting, you are probably thinking Minigan, the Pirates suck. They have not seen a winning season since 1992. That is exactly my point. The Pirates have scored under a 500 for the past 17 years, the longest losing streak in American baseball, and I wish to congratulate them on such an underrated accomplishment.

Let me explain. Other than the obvious fact that no team has sucked shark dick for so long, No team has had so many factors contributing to them sucking shark dick than the Pirates. I don’t care enough to go into them all, so check this link out (after your done reading my rant, of course)

Some people say “blame the owners,” others say “blame the Scouting Director,” and even others say “It be witchcraft I tells ya, WITCHCRAFT!!!!” But I say “hey bitches, maybe you are looking at this the wrong way,” and, “Why am I quoting myself right now?”

What everyone is failing to realize is that The Pirates management has made the team terrible ON PUPROSE. Think about it. It makes perfect sense. Why else would a team willingly trade away players that were just beginning to be good? Why else would they pick the least talented players for every draft pick? Why else would they stop recruiting from Latin America, whose baseball playing genes are obviously superior(Damn you sex crazed baseball-loving local women of Cancun!)

Here is their plan: in 1992, the owner and managers got together after the heartbreaking defeat to the Braves and came up with a new plan. What if they had a team so bad that they would beat the seasonal losing streak of every other team. This would of course take time, but they knew it would pay off. And I am proud to say that on Monday September 7, 2009, their dream was realized. They worked so hard at making the worst team in the country, and I think they deserve a round of applause. You have no idea how hard it is to suck for so long and to do it so fearlessly and without giving two shits about the consequences.  If that is not bravery mixed with genius, then I don’t know what is.

Not only that, but the previous owner was able to get the new managers and owner in on the idea back in 2007. He of course used the line “Losing builds character.Don’t you want you and your team to have character? ” That line should should be engraved in gold and put into the hall of fame for best quotes ever.

See that diamond down there, sweety? That is where the talent plays, We call them the opposing team.

See that diamond down there, sweety? That is where the talent plays. We call them the opposing team.

But here is the clincher. Despite this team being so bad for the past 17 years, they still have a fan base. STILL! The blind loyalty of the Pirates fans is sad, humbling, amazing, hilarious, and mildly erotic. It says a lot about a fan if they are willing to buy the tickets of a terrible team. Even though the fan is probably more interested in beer, food, and what US President is going to be tackled by a giant mutant pierogi during thispeirogies game. The fans of the Pirates are so faithful that they were even fine with the idea of the team getting a new stadium in 2001. Even in the movie “Angels in the Outfield” the Los Angeles Angles could not get anyone to come to watch their pathetic games, let alone get a new stadium. That is loyalty, my friends. And this is where The Pirates win. They  are the worst team in baseball, They are the laughing stock of the MLB and the sports world in general, yet they still have a loyal fan base. That makes them winners in my eyes. Now somebody give Bob Nutting a glove trophy covered in monkey shit and tell him it’s gold. He won’t know the difference, and maybe he will then decide work to make the team worthy of a mascot and a mutant pierogi race.

Peace be with you (and by “you” I mean “me”)



  1. This made me laugh and realize that I know nothing about baseball outside of the few innings of Red Sox games I watch when I’ve seen all the reality reruns playing on Bravo.

  2. […] a second, but then obliges and drags Minigan to the closest chair.] Minigan- [jumps up and yells] THE PITTSBURGH PIRATES ARE THE BEST AT BEING A SHITTY TEAM!!! [his eyes widen and rapidly focus on different things about the room. Then, as of nothing was […]

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