The Monsters We’ve Made, and How to Kill Them

A lot of interesting things happened this week. My older sister came out. No, not of the closet, out to my house. However that would have made my week much more interesting… Anyway, after my older sister came out of the closet, both of my sisters, my mom, and I played guitar hero. My mom confuses me sometimes. I’m not sure whether she is cool or not. For instance, last Friday she rented “Pineapple Express” and “I Love You Man” not for me to watch, but for her to watch. The entire weekend I kept thinking My mom is pretty damn cool. But then on Monday, we were playing “Santeria” GH World Tour, and she said, “Is this The Black Eyed Peas?” I was dumbfounded a little, but luckily my older sister was able to laugh and able to tell her that it was the band was Sublime. I did manage to get out “How could you mix Sublime and The Black eyed Peas up?” Now I am debating whether or not my mom is cool. I guess I am going to give her the benefit of the doubt and say she’s cool just because I don’t give a damn about Sublime or The Black Eyed Peas.

I may look unhappy, but i was actually having a blast.

I may look unhappy, but i was actually having a blast.

I also started to buy items for my Halloween costume. I’m not going to tell you what I am going to be, but lets just say, it is more work than I expected. I have 4 of the 6 major components in my possession now, but I still have to buy at least 10 more small things for it to be complete.

Today I spent 3 hours zip lining from tree to tree in the Hocking Hills. That was fun, and I was the fastest zip liner there. That’s right, take that women and 40 year old men! Who kicks ass? I KICK ASS!!! I did miss the OSU game, but oh well, I heard that we won, so that’s good enough for me.

I also almost died in a battle royale that occurred on the mean streets of Columbus, but you probably don’t want to hear about that.

Anyway on to this week’s ramble…

Our world is in a crisis of mythic proportions. And sadly, my superhero team is still in the planning stages. In lue of that fact, I will tell you, my faithful readers, how to fight this problem head on. Luckily for you, you will not need any type of artillery to defeat this current threat, only self-control and determination.

With the recent “Black Jesus” outburst at the MTV VMAs, there has been a lot of talk about the said celebrity on TV and the internets. You all know who I am talking about. But I’m not just talking about that sunglasses mannequin.  It seems like every week another celebrity is getting attention for doing dumb shit, and reaping the benefits of free publicity.

Here are some rules of how to make a celebrity not famous any more.

  1. Do not watch their TV show, read their book or blog, or listen to their music. Not even the older stuff. Not buying their stuff is not enough, you have to refuse to be influenced by their writing and music all together. Even if you borrow the CD or book off of a friend, the celebrity still wins.
  2. If there is some other type of item that is endorsed by the celebrity, do not use that item. For instance, if you think George Foreman is a douchebag that deserves a cancer/AIDS hybrid disease. Do not let a George Foreman Grill into your home, and make up a reason like you believe that a George Foreman grill was invented by the Devil to get Americans to eat healthier. Never give the real reason.
  3. DO NOT tell anyone to not watch the celebrity’s show, read their book, go to their blog, or buy their CD. When you make something forbidden, the forbidden object becomes more appealing. Why do you think Eve was tempted by an apple? Apples aren’t that tempting unless you’re me and the apple is a granny-smith. Mmmm, granny-smith apples.
  4. Do not make up fake rumors about them. They probably won’t be believed, and if they are, then they get media attention and so does the celebrity. Also, it will be eventually realized to be a lie.
  5. Keep that person out of your everyday conversations. If someone brings up that celebrity’s latest shenanigans, give that person a dirty look and change the topic.
  6. Stop mentioning them in you twitter and facebook status updates. Along that line, avoid anything on facebook, twitter, and myspace (who am I kidding? No one uses myspace anymore). No bumperstickers, no commenting or liking pictures or statuses that mention that celebrity, and no quizzes with the celebrity’s name in the title.
  7. Be strong. No matter how much you hate a certain celebrity, do not talk about them. That will only lead to a discussion about them and possible twitter and facebook status updates. This is bad.
  8. Remember: for a celebrity even bad publicity is good publicity. They want to be talked about; that is how they get jobs.

And if you were wondering if I am going to follow these rules with a particular celebrity; yes I am. I have actually formed a list of celebrities whose fame I will attempt to destroy via lack of publicity. Here they are:

  1. Kanye West ( I still cannot believe he did that to Tyler Swift’s vagina)kanye
  2. Glenn Beck
  3. Larry the Cable Guy
  4. Perez Hilton (whoever that is)questionmark
  5. Bono
  6. Sean Penn
  7. Jimmy Fallon ( I should have done before he got his own TV show)
  8. Tila Tequila
  9. Flava Flav
  10. Terrell Owens
  11. The Octomom aka Nadya Suleman aka the walking uterus
  12. Spencer Prattdouchebag
  13. Heidi Montag
  14. Rosie O’Donnell- this dude has been on TV long enough- I mean have you ever noticed that at times he sounds like a woman, and he plays female roles. What guy does that? That is stealing jobs from talented actresses, and I won’t stand for it.
  15. Robin Williams
  16. Amy Winehouse
  17. Michael Baymegatron
  18. T. Pain (the black guy from the “I’m on a Boat” video)
  19. Richard Simmons
  20. Barbara Streisandmecha-babs
  21. Kate Gosselin aka the walking uterus that bitches a lot

I will never talk about the celebrities listed above ever again. They are dead to me. Oh, and if you are wondering why I don’t have Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, or Nichole Ricci on this list, it’s because they haven’t been the public eye lately. For all I know, they might have matured. [Stifled laugh]

Alright, I’m done. I need to take a…




  1. I love Rosie. Sad day.

    • I shall not speak of such a scoundrel.

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