The Aughts: A Requiem

Wow, this has been an amazing (stifled laugh) ten years. Just thinking of all of the 6 good things that happened this past decade just gives me goose bumps: the advent of the smart phone, the advancement of “green” technology, the death of John Ritter just to name a few. Damn, these were all amazing events in recent history. The last one, for me at least, was a bittersweet event, mainly because that asshole still owes money. I want my $3.50, Dude from Three’s company. Your passing won’t stop me from kicking your decomposing ass!

I’ve got 10 simple rules for you to go to hell, Ritter.

Hell, even this year was amazing for me. I got to go to the inauguration of Obama, I got to spend a week in an alcohol and ecstasy fueled haze in New Orleans, and I didn’t lose any friends this year. Not to mention the fact that I am labeled “sexy” by just about everyone I know now. But that is the good thing about having friends with low standards of beauty; even me, someone who is average looking by TV’s standards can be attractive if all of their friends are blind.

I could go into detail about  every single little thing that happened this year, but fuck that noise. Besides I am splitting this blog into 2 different sections the first part is going to be the 10 great events ( that happened to me in 2009, the second will be the things that most affected me in the past decade.

Something tells me this won’t be my funniest blog.

A Side: A Cheap Rip off-10 best events (for me) of 2009

10. The Metallica Concert

Now, I’ve already have written a blog about this, so I will not go into too much detail, but I will be the first person to admit that this was definitely not the best concert I’ve ever seen. The Goddamn speakers blew out in the middle of the concert! Really, what the fuck? Also, I almost got a speeding ticket (I flashed the cop my leg to try to get out of it). Turns out, he only wanted to see if I was drunk, which I wasn’t. But all that aside, It was still a great experience. The concert and the events surrounding it were, as a whole, an experience I was not used to, and even if the night wasn’t perfect, I need those imperfect days, because perfection is boring. Sexy, yet boring.

pictured: a total bore

If the day was perfect, then my brother and I would have gotten home before 2:30, and wouldn’t have gone to class at 8:00 the next morning (yea, I went to class. I think that makes me a hardcore learner). Oh, and by the way, this beat out Obama’s Inauguration only because no one at the Metallica Concert was a 6 and a half foot tall black guy who pushed himself in front of me right before  the show started.

9. Starting this blog/ my journal

This made the list simply because it finally gave me  a way to rant to the world, even if no one is willing to listen. And, It also gives me a place to rant on the subjects that piss me off, or use the jokes I’ve been itching to use. My Journal on the other hand, lets me be serious (angsty), straightforward (bitchy), and reminds me that I am not a one dimensional character, and that I am something more than a clown (pussy).

8. The PA trip

This may not be the greatest trip made this year, but this was the closest I have been able to get my PA friends to meet my OH friends. Also, Ashley, Aaron, Erin, and I came up with new names for your danger zone: boobs are Hotsie-totsies, balls are shenanigans, dick is shindig or, bo-jengles (I am lord of the shindigs at OSU and I do not want that to be interpreted the wrong way), vagina is twitter, and I cannot remember what ass is, so let’s just name it scamper-stamp. I was also inside a building that looked eerily similar to Hogwarts: The Cathedral of Learning at the University of Pittsburgh.

7. Getting my Associates Degree

Really this is nothing more than a fancy way of telling me that I am half way done with college, and that real life is going to hit me  like I’m some wife that’s really asking for it. Still, I have a degree, and I could quit if I want to, but I won’t because I am not one to give up so easily. It will be a cold day in Hell before I leave OSU forever not clutching my bachelor’s.

6. Becoming a zombie

My alter ego Zeke the Zombie was formed this year. He has proven to many people at OSU-Newark that Zombies are friendly, gentle, undead souls, that want nothing more than for people to write in a never ending story. He also freaked a bunch of people out when he started eating a Caesar salad.

5. the zombie baby purchase

This was going to just be about my Halloween party, but then I realized that the greatest part of this year’s Halloween season was one single piece of décor: the Zombie baby. This year was really the year of the Zombie. Other than the zombie baby and Zeke, there was also: my first viewing of Zombie Strippers, me reading Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, and I obtained a Zombie Apocalypse readiness kit from a co worker. Out of all those, however, the zombie baby had the greatest impact on people. We worshipped it at the STD initiation party. It was the real host of my Halloween party. All my friends loved it, and most parents I know hated it. And, AND it has made a cameo in every facebook album I have added pictures to since then.

4. New Orleans

This was a magical place where I first tried USA approved absenthe, where I got to drink in the middle of the street while  standing (laying) only 10 feet away from a cop. I laughed as an incredibly flamboyant gay man made fun of the O-H-I-O chant, and something else that I am pretty sure the parties involved would rather have forgotten by everyone on the trip. Isn’t that right, Bobby? I also did a Hell of a lot of walking in 90+ degree weather, tried gator, crawfish, and gumbo, and I copped a feel of a lady mannequin in a porn store. Overall: it was a fun trip.

3. Turning 21

This was a magical time which I discovered that I gain amazing abilities when I am just a little drunk, and that a jagerbomb should never, NEVER, be made with anything other than redbull. The Monster jagerbomb I had was terrible. I also got hit on by my sister’s best friend, who is dating my brother’s friend, and I made a terrible (and a little angry) pass at a girl from Highschool. Sorry Mande, I was drunk, and you looked especially fine that night. Call me.

2. Benching 225

Yes, this beats New Orleans and turning 21. Both of those events had large amounts of alcohol involved, and if you know anything about me, it’s that alcohol and I are good friends. Do you know what else and I are even better friends? Punishing myself at the gym. I wanted to bench press 225 last year, but I started to work out on my own, and I was much more antisocial then than I am now, so I did bench press with dumb bells instead. Well, I started working out with new people on Mondays, and after several week of trying and failing (at one point I lost control and the bar came down on my throat. I was more pissed than anything, but that’s a whole other story), I finally got it. I wrote my name up on the chalk board and felt like a mother fucking beast while doing so. Next goal : 250-bench, 325-squat, and 330- deadlift.

1. Getting published

I feel that this picture takes on a weird meaning with my aunt wearing the santa hat.

Seriously, who did not expect this? Put your name in the comments so that I can find you and beat the retarded out of you with a frying pan. Writing is what I want to do the rest of my life. I like entertaining people, I like making people laugh, and I have an reservoir of creativity that is overflowing and gushing out of my fingertips. Getting published in this decade was one of the many goals that I set in place that I never really thought would happen. And unless Yvonne Strahovski knocks on my door within the next minute and lets me make sweet, sweet love to her down by the fire, it will be the only one that I actually accomplished. I even held my first book signing this year in honor of that book. Yea, it was with my family, but fuck you. How many Goddamn pieces of writing have you gotten published?

Note: do not reply to that last comment if you are: Ashley Caggiano, April Sears, Jon Holmes, Erin Tobin, Jarod Anderson, Terry Gomes, and anyone else I know who was published in Taproot.

Side B- Things of the decade that have shaped me

I would like to make the note that the year is when I was first effected by the thing, not when it was made, started, or born.

Place- Old School Gym- 2007-present

This one shaped me both physically and emotionally. Really, that is the only place left that I am not in my comfort zone 100% of the time, and I kind of need to keep it that way. It is a gym, if I am not experiencing some type of stress, I am not doing it right. I need that place. I get along pretty well with everyone, even my former best friend, and a lot of people that I thought I would not like when I was in high school. And then there is the one owner’s workout, The Insanity Workout as I have dubbed it. When you are doing said workout, two thoughts cross your mind regularly: “I’ve got to be fucking insane to be doing this,” and “What did I do to make me so mad at myself? Let me know so that I never do that again.” I would have gone with the second one as the name, but I could not boil it down to one word and it be accurate. That workout has taught me how to work through pain way better than just working out my normal way. It also built my endurance, and it has been the only work out that I have ever done that has made me throw up and/ or pass out when I got home.

Website- T-shirt hell-2003

I think this would have been the obvious choice. I have 4 weeks’ worth of their T-shirts for Christ’s sake. This website has singlehandedly desensitized me more than South Park, Family Guy, Drawn Together, or any late night programming on HBO could ever dream. Their balls to say whatever they want, whenever they want, and they don’t give a pig- fucking shit who they piss off. That is the most pure form of comedy on the planet, folks. Making fun of everything without discrimination. In a sick, ironic kind of way, they are probably the most tolerant people on the face of this planet, because they get to vent those frustrations out to the world in funny T-shirt form. Their philosophy is “If everyone is equal, then everyone should be made fun of equally, fuck them if they cannot take a joke,” and they made that my motto, even if only by threatening me with assrape.

Viral video- Greatest freakout ever- 2009

This one video has made me question myself and humanity more than any other video I have ever seen. Did I act like that when I was a teenager? Am I a perv for enjoying this? Is this what all teenagers are like? Do I really want kids after seeing this video? Am I as crazy as this kid? Is this what every person who plays WoW is like? Where did his parents buy that magical stripping blanket? Would I attempt to sodomize myself with a remote control if I got really pissed off? The answer to most of those questions is a solid NO. I cannot even begin to think of how pissed off I would be for me to attempt to stick something up my ass to get my point across. And, even if someone did get me that mad, I would probably just take the remote (or whatever) and beat them with it.

Book- Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone-2000

I had a hard time deciding on the movie, TV show, book, and song groups for this, mainly because I wanted to keep the said medium in this decade, but I had to go against that rule for the book. Harry Potter was the book that made me like reading and pushed me towards my love of writing. The Sorcerer’s Stone showed me what I could do with all the random daydreams I had. Hell, it showed me what magic really is; It’s not the wands, broomsticks, or mythical creatures- it’s that spark of passion that we all feel inside of us. It is love, it is instinct, it is that little voice inside you that keeps you from doing something that you know that you will regret, it is the thing that makes you learn from other’s mistakes, and the mistakes you have made. Magic is the soul, the spirit, the aura if you will. It is the fuel that keeps us going even when you feel like you just want to give up and die. That is magic. The sorcerer’s Stone taught me this. But I didn’t know this until I was old enough to understand it. Now that I have become a hardcore pussy on this topic, let’s continue.

Movie- Scary Movie- 2001, 2002

I don’t know if you know this, but I love parodies. I know, I know, that revelation must be shaking the foundations of the fundamental beliefs that you base reality on. Now, I know I had seen parodies before Scary Movie, and I never saw “Scream” or “I know What you Did Last Summer” before I saw Scary Movie. But all the same, I fell in love parodies. It is because this movie, not South Park, may I repeat- NOT SOUTH PARK, that I write so many parodies. I am actually not sure when I saw Scary Movie, so let’s just go with late 2001, early 2002.

Celebrity-Jon Stewart-2004

This was a fairly simple choice. He made me laugh at the news again. If you have read my blog about the news (if you haven’t, read it-NOW) you know how amazingly depressing the news is any more.  I hated the news, and then Jon said to me “we know that everything sucks, Let’s make fun of it.” And make fun of it he did.

TV show- Jackass/ Viva La Bam- 2004

These were the last shows on MTV that I watched before it went to Hell. Some would argue that it went to Hell long before that, and I would not argue against them. But, these shows displayed some brilliance deep within their stupidity.  A brilliance that I cannot explain, and it is not my place to explain. After these shows left, we got Tila Tequila and MTV morphed into a giant mound of butt pudding.

Song- Reach for the sky by Social Distortion- 2008

I am trying to live by what this song says- that by worrying about the future, and dwelling on the past makes you miserable in the present. And what if tomorrow doesn’t come? Then you have wasted your life looking at a future that was never going to come into fruition. I know that I will always be thinking about the future and what may or may not happen to me, but I want to learn how to live in the present. I want to reach for the sky cause tomorrow may never come.

Person that I know- My brother 2005-present

Sorry Ashley and Jimmy, but this had to go to my brother. He got me drinking at 16. He was the one to first show me T-shirt Hell, and he introduced me to Metallica, Social Distortion, Slayer, ACDC, and many others. Also, I am sure some of you have heard tales of going to parties with my brother. I have seen more with him than I have seen with most of my friends.  For the longest time I thought he was an asshole, and he is, but I have learned a lot from him. My only wish is that he gave me some of his game with girls. He’s a straight player. It’s ridiculus.

Event- my parent’s divorce- 2003

I tried to think of a different event that changed my life more. I mean I really tried to think of a happy one like : getting the rank of Eagle Scout, graduating high school, hitting puberty (this only happened last week, but it still counts as this decade), but no. Every major event in my life for these past 10 Goddamn years seems to revolve around that one fucking event. Why am I living in Ohio? My mom moved to Ohio and I was given a choice to go with her, or to stay with my dad. I still do not know why I moved but I did. Don’t get me wrong; if I could go back in time, I would make the same decision. Why do I have such a vile sense of humor at times? Because the day my parents told my siblings and I the news, I said to myself “Doug, your life at school sucks. It has always has sucked. Your home was the place that you could go to avoid at least some bullshit. Well, no more. But if my home is going to fall apart, I will be damned if my school life is going to suck too.” Then, I started to say sarcastic things when a classmate said something stupid. This made more people like me. Of course, then I decided to move and I sent all that work right to Hell. I was introduced to T-shirt Hell months after I was told, and I knew my parents were appalled by some of the things on that site, so I started visiting there religiously. Why am I attending OSU? Again the move. I would have probably gone to either Duquesne or Penn State if I stayed in PA. I got sucked into the buckeye mania after moving to Ohio, and my friends from high school were going there. Every event (other than getting Eagle, but it still made it difficult to finish- I had to drive to PA for both my Board of Review, and my ceremony.) had been effected by that.

so this is my last post of the year. I hope you enjoyed my rants, and I hope you will continue to visit my blog in the following decade.

and as a special gift to my readers, many of you whom have not seen a picture of me before 2004, I want to show you what i looked like in 2000, and what I look like now.


God, even I want to beat myself up.


C’mon, of course I went shirtless with this pic. Now, BOW TO MY EPIC ABS!!!

Thank you for reading.



  1. Dude. You are sexy. I mean, look at those abs. And I’m being serious. o.O Holy crap. It appears that you did a lot of work to make yourself look the way that you do. I am also in the process of working on my appearance (though no six+ pack abs for me, thanks, haha). Your hard work has definitely paid off.

    And I’m going to comment anyway. Congratulations on being published! You (or anyone who becomes published) deserves all the attention and praise that comes with it. It really is quite the feeling. And hey, didn’t you say that you were going to be in the Taproot class this year with meeee? At least, I think that was you…

    Holy crap. That kid in that freak-out video seemed possessed. O_O Yet another reason why I hate the WOW game. I stared at that video in shock.

    I didn’t even recognize you in that older picture. You wore glasses? So you wear contacts now, or?

    Anywayyyy, Happy New Year!

  2. Oh everything in here, I am commenting about that video. Holy shit. That paragraph you wrote made me crack the fuck up! Though I think that video MIGHT be a little staged, I’m so glad it exists because of what you wrote about it 😛

    And Olivia Wilde? Nice choice. BEST choice for perfection.

    It’s okay I came second (in my head I’m above Jimmy) to your brother since you were born from the same loins and all. At least I know you’d never straight up call me an asshole and mean it haha.

  3. you disgusting little homo. Put a fucking shirt on now, and try to not be quite so much of a cock socket.

    • My brother, the asshole, everybody! Good thing he is too concerned with me being shirtless to realize what i said about him in my next blog. Actually no, it’s too bad he did not read that. I would enjoy watching him cry like a little bitch when he sees what I wrote.

  4. Wow you are sexy as hell man! Nice pack!

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