My friends and how they worship me: Jimmy

Well, I should be writing a paper for my contemporary poetry class, or reading for my rhetorical grammar class, but fuck that noise. I’ll just talk to you guys. So, how have you been? That’s good. I did see the game. Two words: Amazing amazing. Yea I know that was just one word written twice. Don’t question it. No, it’s not that big of a deal. Who is really going to care? Everyone else is laughing, why can’t you. Ok, Ok we’ll talk about this when we get home. I said we’ll talk about this when we get home. Why must you insist upon making a scene in front of my friends. This is why we are never invited to any parties. [I grab a beer.] Because, I need to drink when I’m around you, because you are intolerable. I’m sorry- that was harsh and I didn’t mean it. No, don’t cry, I’m sorry. It’s just the beer and you nagging me about writing a word twice pushed me over the edge. Oh great, people are starting to stare. DON’T TELL PEOPLE THAT I THINK YOU’RE FAT! [turning to everyone else] I don’t think (your name) is fat. I never said anything like that; I just said that (s)he is intolerable. [turning back to you] Great, now I’m the bad guy! Well, since I’m the bad guy you can walk the fuck home.

[I get up and storm out of where ever the fuck we are (internet?) I drunkenly put my key in the ignition. The tires of my car screech like a banshee on the rag as I peel away from the curb. I’m flying down the interstate, listening to one of my CDs I made with the most depressing songs on my iPod. The song Stan by Eminem comes on. In true ironic (keep the word ironic in there if you don’t know what ironic means, if you do, use the term “coincidental” instead) fashon, I lose control of my car and go through the guard rails of an overpass. The sound of crushing metal and my screams are all I can hear as my car lands upside down. I stop screaming once I realize I’m not dead. I let out a short laugh as I unbuckle my seatbelt. “It’s gonna take more than that for god to kill me,” I say. The car then explodes into a fireball large enough to catch trees twenty feet away on fire (my car runs on napalm). After a few seconds after the blast, I climb out of the mangled chunk of scrap metal that once used to be my car, raise my middle finger to the midnight sky, and head the rest of the way home on foot.]

fuck you, sky

-Wow, what does it say about me if that is the imaginary relationship I think up?

Anywhat-the-fuck-ever, for my blog this week, I would like to talk to you kind folk about Jimmy “Jew Killer” Kohlberg.

Now Many of you (Lady Caggiano) maybe wondering why Jibbles got to be the focus of an entire blog before you, and you would be right to question it, but it’s my blog so fuck you. I’m writing about Jimmy. I actually feel that I have not done Jimmy proper justice in my blogs. I have mentioned him in one- maybe two of my blogs now, but he and I have a much stronger relationship than what I made it seem. It is on par with Ashley’s and my relationship, except I mention her in just about every one of my blogs.

Here are some of the facts you should know about Mr. Kohlberg:

  1. He is a man
  2. He is white, but he’s black on the inside
  3. He is my coworker at Geagle
  4. He is one of my best friends
  5. He works out- probably more than I do
  6. He is straight
  7. He will remind you that he is straight any time he complements you
  8. He likes-nay- loves the sauce, and has tried just about every type of booze that is out there
  9. He was born on May 20th, which coincidentally enough, is the same day my best friend from PA was born, except one year later.
  10. He loves my motivational posters and is the main force behind why I still make them
  11. He is a genuinely good person, also a pervert, but a good person none the less
  12. He would make a great English major if he only liked to write
  13. He somehow manipulated me into going out of my way to make sure he reads these blogs.

Jimmy, simply put, is awesome, and not just because he probably describes me to other people as a god of some sort. He is one of those friends I can regularly count on. He is usually the person I go to when I need relationship advice, and he gives me that much needed “please tell me I’m funny” attention that I ask for constantly.

One of the best things about being friends with Jimmy, however, is the conversations we tend to have on facebook or via text message. Here is one of the more recent ones. It is not our funniest, but we did a good job of covering all the topics that we usually hit during one of our conversations.

Doug 11:18pm

do you work tomorrow?

Jibbles 11:19pm

no sir

you?

Doug 11:20pm

yea 2:00 to 10:30

Jibbles 11:20pm

damn son

Doug 11:20pm

nah

i’m cool with it

Jibbles 11:21pm

i gotchya. you like brand new?

Doug 11:22pm

i do, I’ve actually been meaning to listen to the cd again, but smashley made me copies of the killers albums I don’t have so I’ve been listening to them

did you pass through Sam’s Town

Jibbles 11:22pm

yessir. good stuff. it made me kinda rekindle my enjoyment of em

Doug 11:23pm

it is a good cd

Jibbles 11:24pm

hell yea

Doug 11:25pm

i really like hot fuss too

i had no clue that they wrote the song with the lyrics “I got sold but I’m not a soldier”

Doug 11:27pm

i think i may add more motivational posters soon

Jibbles 11:29pm

do it. i love those.

Doug 11:29pm

ok. I will.

Jibbles 11:30pm

dude, im kinda drunk

youre a good dude. youre a good friend too

Doug 11:31pm

so are you

Jibbles 11:31pm

thanks dude 🙂 no homo

Doug 11:31pm

ditto

Jibbles 11:32pm

lol youre fine dude no worries

Doug 11:32pm

ha ha right back at you

Jibbles 11:36pm

so how are the chicas in your life bruhh

Doug 11:36pm

DOA

ha ha

no they are not interested

how’s the gf?

Jibbles 11:38pm

lol

shes good. youll get some awesome chick. you deserve it

Doug 11:39pm

hell yea I do!

there is this girl at the place i go tanning at she is very cute, and friendly

i am not sure if she’s interested though

also, i kind of forgot about this because i was very drunk at the time, but some of the girls i was at that party with want to fix me up with girls they know

Jibbles 11:41pm

dude. youre shredded. every chick thats friendly with you is prolly wanting your weiner.

no homo

youre like… fuckin he-man

Doug 11:41pm

not He-man

Jibbles 11:41pm

dude

Doug 11:41pm

close, but not exactly

Jibbles 11:41pm

you even have the haIR

Doug 11:41pm

ha ha, yea i do

Jibbles 11:44pm

dude

the whiskey.

its a trip to the moon

Doug 11:45pm

no, that’s just the roofies

Jibbles 11:47pm

hahahahahahahahahahahahaha

i literally lol’d

Doug 11:48pm

i’ve been getting people to do that a lot lately

whoda thunk I’d be funny

Jibbles 11:52pm

haha dude youre a writer. who do you think writes for comics? writers.

Doug 11:52pm

good point

Jibbles 11:53pm

i just reread what i sent. am i retarded? maybe. lol

Doug 11:55pm

no it was a good point

obvious maybe

but also funny

because you are tipsy

Jibbles 11:55pm

oh. im tipsed to the mesopotamian (sp) valley.

Doug 11:56pm

that doesn’t make any sense

Jibbles 11:57pm

its in iraq

between the tigris and euphrates rivers

Doug 11:57pm

i know that

Jibbles 11:57pm

lol ok well it means im halfway around the world with whiskey

Doug 11:58pm

oh, ok. i did not catch that part

Jibbles 11:59pm

lol i never mentioned it. my bad if its like tryin to follow a story bein told by someone with downs.

Doug 11:59pm

it’s cool

Today

Jibbles 12:01am

im kind of crass

im sorry

lol

Doug 12:02am

no

it was funny

Doug 12:07am

now i’m wondering what it would be like if someone with the Syndrome of a Down told me a story

Jibbles 12:07am

hahahahahahaha

well i just took a piss lol

Doug 12:08am

i am glad that i have that effect on you

no homo

Jibbles 12:08am

hahahahahaha

hahahaha

In ten years, when I have a severe God Complex, we can all look back and say “So, this is where it all started. Thanks a lot Jimmy. You Douchebag.”

But seriously, he fills the “Doug is awesome” quota before anyone else has a chance to. If you don’t believe me, look back up at the conversation. He calls me he-man. He-fucking-Man! (that sounded both gay and like bad English) My brother and sister have to work overtime on deflating my ego while I am friends with Jimmy.

this picture is 100% accurate

That conversation basically sums up most of the conversations between Jimmy and I.  They usually have the elements of Music, girls, how awesome I am, promises that jimmy is not gay, how drunk jimmy is, work at Geagle, and my motivational posters.

Speaking of motivational posters, Jimmy loves them so much that he likes it when I make fun of him via the posters. With that in mind, Here are the ones of Jimmy:

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