My Own Crack at This “Gritty Reboot” Fad

It seems that now a days, you can’t shake your dick at something without it pointing at one thing that is getting a reboot (you also cannot do that without getting put on the sex offenders list, but enough about my personal life).  It started with Batman, then James Bond, Superman, The Incredible Hulk, Friday the 13th, Nightmare on Elm Street, Halloween, Transformers, vampires, G.I. Joe, Charlie’s Angles. They all have been rebooted. They are even planning to reboot the Spiderman series, and the last movie only came out three years ago. Hell, I gave your mom a gritty reboot last night, twice, and she was still begging to be rebooted again, that is how reboot crazy our society and Hollywood has become over the past couple of years.

your mom, before I rebooted her... hard

Well since I am never one to miss an opportunity to whore out my writing talent to get money and/ or the attention of my friends, I have decided to jump on the “Gritty Reboot” bandwagon. But, I was going to have to reboot something good. My first thought was Pokémon, but then I realized that it was popular again, but in the sad, ironic kind of way. It has become the “creepy uncle that you only invite to Christmas dinner because he’s family” of 1990s kid nostalgia.

My second choice was the Care Bears, and I loved this idea, mainly because I saw the reboot as CSI Care-A-Lot (where the Care Bears live), but as I was searching for the name of the place where the Care Bears live,  I discovered that they had already been rebooted three times since 2002. Obviously, if they fuck up so often that they need to be rebooted three times in a decade, then there is little I can do to make them not detestable. It’s better to let those brightly colored critters die and burn in pop culture Hell.

Still wanting to go the “Kill your memories of innocence” route, my thoughts quickly turned to a character who is irrationally popular anymore. If you watch Nickelodeon for more than a half hour, you will probably see this little bastard. I am talking, of course, about Spongebob Squarepants.

Now, I haven’t watched Spongebob since 2001-right before everyone started watching it. I am not making the claim that I was ahead of everyone, or anything of that douchebaggy nature, I am just pointing out the coincidence. Either way, I don’t know what is going on in that universe now, or if any of the characters have come out of the closet yet (I’m talking about you Sandy Cheeks), but I think that I am perfect to do the reboot, because a reboot throws all the continuity from the past version to the curb. It makes me rebooting the series just that much easier if I don’t have a clue as to how the show evolved since conception, and I just free ball it.

So, without further ado, Here is my (all be it incomplete) gritty reboot of Spongebob Squarepants:

Captain: Are you ready kids?

Kids: Aye-aye Captain.

Captain: I SAID, ARE YOU FUCKING READY!!!!

Kids: Aye-Aye Captain!!

Captain: Oh! Who lives in a rage deep down under the sea?

Kids: SharkBob DeathPants!

Captain: Vicious and angry and hungry is he!

Kids: SharkBob DeathPants!

Captain: If nautical violence be something you fear…

Kids: SharkBob DeathPants!

Captain: Then drop to the deck whenever he’s near!

Kids: SharkBob DeathPants!

Captain: FUCKING SING!

EveryBody: SharkBob DeathPants! SharkBob DeathPants! SharkBob DeathPants!

Captain: SharkBob…. DeathPants! Haha.

I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU ALL!

Ok, that’s all I’ve got for now. Sorry, I know it’s not a lot. I just wanted to post something because I did not like what I had written last week, and it is the middle of February and I still haven’t posted anything yet. But on the bright side, I like you people enough that I won’t make you read what I think is crap. Be flattered!

I will be updating this post specifically over time, and I will repost it to facebook after I do.

Peace out, bitches

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1 Comment

  1. It’s about time someone did something about spongebob! perferably kill him but this works too!


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