My Friends and How They Worship Me: Julie

I need a fucking vacation. Seriously. I am becoming more and more of an asshole than what  I usually am. Jerry Harper, other nameless goons at Geagle, and the folks at the Writer’s Studio can attest to this. I have begun to tell people off at Geagle when they are not doing there job, and from what I’ve seen, Annie is probably the worst. I do not normally condone violence against women, but on Wednesdays, after I’ve gone to class and had an intense workout at the gym, and then I have to bust my ass at Geagle while that bitch stands around and talks,  makes me want to bludgeon her face with a sack of canned goods.

And then there’s the Writer’s Studio. I only have to walk in there carrying a gas can and Misty’s food (because I’m her bitch and I have anger issues) and I instantly have a headache that only being a douchebag can cure.

This is why I need a vacation. I haven’t had a break school wise since the second term of summer quarter last year. I’ve been working too hard for too long (insert dick joke here) for this shit. So yes, I need to get away. Definitely out of this state, and not to Pennsylvania. I’m thinking Florida- Universal is opening the new Harry Potter theme park, and I must see it. But the worst part is, I cannot stop until late August, when I am done with summer classes. Although this is bad news for me, this is even worse news for my friends, because it means I am going to be acting like this for another 3 months. Sorry everybody.

But while we are on the subject of friends-



Ah, my friends, Where would I be without them? You know what, I’ll just tell you. I would be out in the forest, living in a hut, and feasting off of raccoon carcasses, that’s where. Despite how much you bastards annoy me (Misty), how little we talk (Ashley), and how it seems like you are actively trying to not hang out with me (Jimmy), I fucking love/ begrudgingly need you people. This time around, I am going to tell you about my friend Julie.

This was the most flattering picture of Julie that I have

Here are some fun facts about Julie Sisley:

  • Well, she’s all you’d ever want
  • She’s the kind you’d like to flaunt and take to dinner
  • Well, she always knows her place
  • She’s got style
  • She’s got grace
  • She’s a winner
  • She’s a Lady, Woah, Woah, Woah, she’s a lady
  • I’m talkin’ about that little lady
  • And the Lady is mine…
  • Actually, she is engaged to my life-long friend Mark Lechliter
  • She is a hardcore band nerd. If she says “This one time at Band Camp…” turn and run as fast as you can, because the story she is about to tell you is going to scar you for life.
  • Out of all my PA friends, I talk to and see her the most often.
  • She has a filthy mind, but that is no surprise because if she didn’t then why would I hang out with her?
  • She tells me that she loves me and how hot I am on a fairly regular basis
  • She goes to IUP, which is the same college my parents graduated from.

Julie, like all things awesome, did not come from Ohio. Suck on that, Ohio friends! The great thing about Julie is that she in one of those friends I can always trust to be my friend. I’m not saying that I don’t trust my other friends (even though I don’t), but Julie is one of those friends that would lie to a judge for me. That’s friendship.

I first met Julie my sophomore year in high school. She said that she said “hi” to me the year before, but I ignored her. I don’t remember this at all, so I think it is safe to assume that this is a lie.

Anyway, Julie and I became fast friends via marching band, and we basically raised Hell during band competitions- not drinking an entire bottle of vodka on the bus and having to be life flighted out (that did happen to a color-guard girl once) but Hell none the less. And If you have ever heard one of my “It is A Wonderful World” CDs, then you can thank Julie for supporting the idea.

Now a days, I only see her about once a year, and we talk on facebook once every few months. However when we do talk, it is always interesting. Here is one of those conversations:

Julie always gets creeped out when i call her Fergalicious

Julie, you need to do me a favor

what’s up

where are you?

Not sure

I’m worried for you


you are not sure where you are

anyway, walk up the person that is nearest to you and take off your pants

Yeah well Brian got mad or something so I went after him

oh, what did you do?

I’m still out looking for him

you’re a good fiance

also a bit dick whipped, but a good fiance none the less

I know

I’m probs one of the best in the world.

I dunno, I’ve had some awesome ones

ha ha ha ha ha

i’m just kidding

I’m all alone…

oh, now I’m sad

Whenever I’m all alone I like to sing into a hairbrush

whenever i’m alone i talk as if other people are in the room

Yes! My ideas need to be heard by all those in attendance!!

Exactly! I go on these philosophical rants that can get pretty deep! I also try to explain my self which isn’t so deep as it is plain disturbing

Especially when you can’t understand the point!

Yes! sometimes I forget why I started talking to these imaginary people, and then I get confused and scared.

Anyway, we all start making out and one thing leads to another and I wake up pregnant….that’s the worst.

That’s happened to me, like, 5 times. waking up pregnant only once, but it turned out to be indigestion. Funny how that works.


I know! I swear, their new recipe must have hallucinogens in the cheese! I had some yesterday, and my face started to melt!

I almost threw up last night becuase of Dominos pizza

did you eat too much or was it the God awful taste?

Perhaps a combination of both

tru dat

well, I gotta go to bed



Nice to meet you!

Nice to meet you to!

Merry Christmas!

We’ll have sex later


I love you

I mean the movie


I love you man

ha ha, I’m going to hold you up to that promise of sex

and I love you too, foxy lady



cus i am a foxy lady

yes, that’s why I said it

ok, I’ll leave you alone now. good night.

haha goodnight

Julie then contacted me and let me know that she was not the one messaging me. This next part it actually between Julie and myself


Hey… that was my friend dan.. what’s up?


ha ha ha ha, was that really?

because that was the weirdest conversation that I have ever had

now I’m a little dissappointed that it wasn’t with you


hahaha well, I’m pretty durnk so that may have happened with me but it didn’t


I do believe my convos are for all


who is this dan person?

I want to”friend” him


haha Dan Drumm


tell him to accept my friend request or face the consequences


haha he’s in his bed

I went and checked and accidentally saw his nipples

Minigan- 12:45am

oh jeez, well at least you did not see he cock or balls



and I’m not dick whipppppped


but that would have made for an awkward breakfast conversation


haha not with my friends

awkward shit pretty much explains our lives


mine to

do you still have the convo between me and not you up?



you hoe


you should send it to me in a message

I want to post it in my blog

Julie 12:49am

you shouddddd feel lucky that I was abl to do that


I am, I forgot to copy it into a word document

thank you


I don’t know why?






you are really drunk right now

its awesome

did you find brian?



he was on my stoooooop

where was your Brian?


I don’t have a brian

I have an Ashley




She’s in columbus with her boyfriend


she lives upstairs and is my friend

is that you?

Minigan- 12:54am

No, I’m Minigan. Not Ashley


I know! I mean is her boyfriend you

you can teach me grammar tomorrow


and maybe math too


oh, no. She is my best friend out here though. And I will teach you grammar


tell her I love her for being your friend since I can’t be there


I don’t know math so, I don’t know how that will turn out




I will


Me neither

and I have a math final tomorrow


aww that sucks

I’m sorry

but at least its a final

I have a midterm next week

Julie- 12:56am

yeah but you have trimesterrrrs


no quarters


same thing

in my head at least


Are you on twitttttter?



Obviously, she was pissed that I didn’t and she promptly ended the conversation. What a bitch. I also think it is weird that Julie, someone who has never seen me or Ashley together, assumed that we were dating. We get that a lot. It’s kind of funny.

Here are some of the Motivational Posters that feature Miss Sisley:

Good night and Good luck, because I am 2 seconds from going ape-shit on all you guys.



  1. While I am pissed at myself for devoting about 7.5 minutes of my life to actually reading this (by the way, that’s 7.5 minutes of my life I’ll never get back) I have to ask-Is it in poor taste to point out your spelling and grammatical errors? I mean, you are a writer and all…

  2. Its true Doug you do have a few misspellings and other errors. Though I do have to say that you have in fact been gradually getting meaner and meaner.

  3. My friend, as for the anger, I am in the same boat….

    I wanted to go to the Harry Potter Theme Park too. omg…

  4. Is this Julie Sisley from Phx, AZ?

    • Not unless she lives a second life in a completely different part of the country and didn’t think of coming up with a different name.

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