Welcome to My Mind- A Week of Random Thoughts

Before I start of this post, I would like to point out that the number of hits my blog has received has doubled from last month to this month. This is mainly due to my Awesomesquad Assemble! Blog, so fuck yeah. I promise to update on that fairly soon, but for this blog, I am going to give you, my brothers, something for your glazzies more horrorshow than the old in-out-in-out with a fine Devotchka for your pan-handle, or some moloko for your Gulliver- Sorry, I just read and watched A Clockwork Orange.

Anyway, I am sure that by now many, if not all, of you think I am strange. I cannot confirm or deny this claim, seeing as though it violates many of my rights that I just made up so that I don’t have to explain myself. I also venture a guess that at least some of you have been foolish enough to wonder what I think about through the course of the day. (Don’t do this; I say that while taking your best interest into consideration.) Also, I know that Jimmy wanted me to make a video about what a day in the life of me would be like. However, I am not here to depress you, but merely creep you out a little. And what I do during the course of a day will make you all think less of me. As you may or may not know, I feed off of your encouragement and you telling me how awesome I am (or more likely, me hallucinating that I am receiving encouragement and praise), so I will be doing nothing of the sort that would deter any of that praise.

What I will do, however, is give you a glimpse into my mind (albeit at a safe distance) and show you some of the most random thoughts I’ve had over the course of the week. Some of them are one sentence, and others are closer to a paragraph, but all of them are taken out of context from the situation, both because I feel that the lack of context makes them stranger and funnier, and also because that would take way too much writing to explain where these thoughts came from.

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Sunday, May 23, 2010:

You know what, I’m opening this fucking bag of Doritos, and there isn’t a Goddamn thing that anyone can do to stop me.

Terry said that the ping pong balls that Ashley bought for my Halloween party did not have good bounce to them. This was weird to me, because I thought a ping pong ball was such a simple concept that there couldn’t be much variation. But that’s what Trashley gets for buying the econo-bucket of them. Who needs that many ping pong balls anyway?

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Monday, May 24, 2010:

I love Main campus. It has such a wonderful ratio of hot chick to creepy old dude that stares too long at the hot chicks.

Her pee isn’t going anywhere. Ha ha, Herpies isn’t going anywhere.

Holy shit, why am I so sweaty? My boxers are soaked. It kind of looks like my waist pissed itself. Oh God, I’m gonna smell so bad tonight. Nice.

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Tuesday, May 25, 2010:

I feel like a total douchebag when I wear this clip, and despite what I lead people to believe, I am not actually a total douchebag. I think I would be more comfortable wearing a utility belt.  I cannot tell if that was a joke or not. Oh wow, I’m a nerd.

This plate is smaller than the rest, which I find highly suspect. But it also makes me wonder if ceramic can shrink if you wash it at too hot of a temperature. Either way, I no longer trust the company that makes fiesta-ware.

I’m on to you, you brightly colored bastards.

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Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Why do I find the ogre Fiona from Shrek much more attractive than the human Fiona? And while we’re on the subject, if donkey was voiced by Carlos Mencia instead of Eddie Murphy, how pissed off would the Hispanic community be? The fact that a beast of burden is voiced by a black man is already a little racist, but that would send Latinos back to the 1950s equality-wise.

What does a Brazilian carnival smell like, large breasted women, poverty, and kidnap?

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Thursday, May 27, 2010

What the Hell are any of The Red Hot Chili Peppers songs about? It seems like all they do is throw random words together that rhyme. “iggle wiggle hoopla fliggle/ pounce on a babe, right in her diggle/ turn your cheek I’ll make you giggle/ look at me I drew a squiggle!” That is going to be their next hit. Fuck, it’s worse than rap.

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Friday, May 28, 2010

I feel like someone put some kind of spaceage polymer on the bottom of my shoes to make them annoyingly squeaky when I walk on linoleum. I will kill this person.

I’ve been eating a lot of those spear-O-mint Lifesavers lately. I wonder if I eat enough will I begin to secrete a substance from my pores that smells eerily like that candy?

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Saturday, May 29, 2010

I hate Anthony Verno. I probably haven’t seen him in 7 years, but fuck that guy.

I don’t want to take a shit in The Geagle’s rest room. Especially after that whole “politician soliciting sex in an airport men’s room” thing. What if I happen to be thinking about a particular catchy song and start tapping my foot? It could lead to one of two scenarios that I am trying my best to avoid.

Either that dude is mentally retarded, or he is plotting something diabolical. I think I am not so much disturbed by this thought as I am disturbed that I cannot tell which one he is.

Berets are usually a sign of both.

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Yea, so there you go. Looking back they are not all that funny, but I do know the context of them all, so I’m hoping the lack of context will make them funnier. If so, then awesome! If not, then my bad. You can ignore this entire blog, and pretend that I never posted this. You could spit on me in public, but I would not advise it.

For me, I guess this was my way of giving you an idea of the things that pass through my mind, and where some of the bizarre things I say come from. Now, as I said, this was only a taste of what my mind is like. None of you are allowed full access to my thoughts, because then you would have control over me, and I don’t like to be controlled. Fuck, Della Carver and I are already telepathically linked, which makes her way to close to the innerworkings of my mind for comfort.

But I think we can all say that Della is probably the real victim in this case.

Della, you poor, poor fool

Peace and sheet

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4 Comments

  1. Haha yeah I think our link is getting stronger by the day and I am pretty sure I am on the worse end of things. This must be the explaination for why occasionally some very strange things pop into my head. On a siade note I feel honored to have finally made it into your blog while at the same time being impressed that you didn’t talk shit about me.

  2. I got you those balls ON Halloween. What did you expect? They were completely sold out of everything except for the giant container.

    And Guy Fieri is a douche

  3. Fuck you too, Doug. Not in an angry way, in a ‘I haven’t seen you in years, but this is inappropriate in a hilarious kind of way’ way.

    or something

    When you do get picked up for soliciting sex in a men’s bathroom, make sure that you try and play it off like you’re tapping out to a catchy humdiddi, the undercover might believe you and let you go.

    Ha, no seriously j/k.

    • I actually had to read through this post to actually figure out who the hell “Enraged Tranny” was. I was assuming it was some guy that I said looked like an angry butch lesbian last year, and he interpreted that as an enraged tranny. Anyway, hey Anthony! How’s it going? and How did you find my blog?


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