How I Do Birfdayz, Yo

Before I start rambling this time around, I would like to thank Takeru Kobayashi (the Asian dude who eats hotdogs to become famous) for being a douchebag and interrupting a eating contest. Because of this, he made the news and people prayed to the all knowing Google (blessed be thy name) for the answer as to who the fuck this dude is. Google, in turn directed them to my blog. I got almost 100 hits on July 4th and got 120 on July 5th because of this, and you have no idea how happy I am because of this. Seriously, I just came…

Anyway, now that I have cleaned myself up, Lets get to the blog.

I have been having these strange feelings lately. Everyday Hu-mons tell me that this feeling that I am feeling is called compassion. (Did I spell that right?I’ve never heard or used that word before. In fact, I am a little suspicious that you Hu-mons made it up to confuse me.) In any case, for reasons unbeknownst to me, becoming oddly sentimental lately.  I don’t know what’s causing this, or how to stop it, but I thought it might be amusing for you all if I share how some instances that I have attempted at being nice.

On June first, 4 of my friends had a birthday, and I decided to wish them all a happy birthday. However, I did not want to put a lot of effort into it. I was originally going to wish them a happy birthday via status update, but I soon became distracted my other things on the internet. No, I am NOT talking about porn. I was looking at and decided that I could do the same thing, so I set out to do just that. I found a site that can add captions to images, and started to make my own pictures with unrelated captions when it hit me: I could do this for their birthday!  So, going the completely opposite route work-wise than what I originally intended, I made the four. These first four are really just insults, but still, I MADE them birthday cards (electronically). See? Sentimental.

Anyway, I like the idea so much that I thought that I would continue with this throughout the month of June, and made as many as I could. These are those birthday cards:

This first one was for my friend Dan Miller. I went to high school with him and was one of my good friends in the band. I also made out with his sister at a dance, but that is a different story all together. After I moved to Ohio, he quickly fell into the chasms of nerdom and began to play Dungeons and Dragons. I currently know of a dork that plays it (and refuses to not talk about it), and I can assure all of you non-nerdy people that how retarded you think it sounds, it 100 times dumber than that. For his birthday, I made him this card:

Happy Birthday Danny!

The second person is also someone I went to high school with, but Watkins this time. I was also in the band with him, he dated my one of my good friends, and I was at one point the singer in his band. We hadn’t talked in a while, but I felt this would be a good time to start a new conversation. I actually chose one of my favorite quotes that I have come up with but have never had a chance to use.  That probably makes me a self-indulgent prick, but hey, do you expect anything else from me? I made a NCAA bracket tournament to decide the name of my dick. C’mon, even I admit that I am self absorbed. Anyway, here is my birthday card to Dominic:

Happy Birthday Dominic!

The third person was the owner of the Old School Gym, Dustin. Last year, he taught me some ab work outs. And by doing so, he basically challenged me to an abdominal off. If any of you are jealous of my amazing abs or at least annoyed with how much I talk about them, you have Dustin to blame.

You created this monster, Dustin.

I eventually caught up to, and surpassed him in the stomach muscle region. And for those of you who  are familiar with the ending of Mary Shelley’s “Frankenstein,” understand that since I am the monster, it would only be a matter of time that I would beat him in the worst possible way. His birthday card pointed out that I was finally better than him:

Happy Birthday Dustin!

Then, there was Zach. I worked with him at The Geagle before he got his dumb ass fired, and I see him every once in a while at the gym. He is a good guy and all, but at times I want to back hand him for being so stupid. He also has a tendency to write all of his status updates in all caps. I don’t know if he knows that that is the way you yell at someone over the computer, or if he doesn’t know that his caps lock is on, but it bothers the Hell out of me and it must stop. Anyway, I did not have a good insult for him at the time, so I basically used one of my “caption unrelated” pictures. Here it is:

Happy Birthday, Zach!

I still think it is fitting for him.

After I made these original four, I decided that I had a good idea on my hands, and I decided to continue with this idea throughout the month of June. These next ones are a bit out of order date-wise, but you probably don’t know these people, so who the fuck cares?

This next one I made was for my cousin, Sam. He turned 13 or something. The one I made for him just might be my favorite of the group, mainly because the rest seem to fit into a phrasing formula that this one does not. Also, with this one, the picture and the caption work with each other, whereas the pictures on the other ones only add to the caption. For Sam’s card, it is funnier when you have both the picture and the caption. See for yourself:

Happy Birthday Sam!

Next up was my Aunt June. For hers, I wanted to do something also dealing with violence, so I decided to take a picture I had stumbled upon a while back. I am not the biggest fan of the caption, but I was trying to avoid a cliché, and this was the best I came up with. Don’t judge me!

Happy Birthday June!

Next up: my cousin Kelsey. She is the daughter of June and the older sister of Sam. This means that  every birthday except for one  in that household fell in the month of June. (Way to fuck things up, Kirsten!) Here is my card to Kelsey:

Happy Birthday Kelsey!

These next two were for my two friends from highschool. They are twins, so I decided to go with that theme for their cards.

Happy Birthday Kelsie or Kayla!

Ok, this one was definetly for Kelsie; everyone knows that Kayla is the evil one.

This next one was for one of my best friends from Watkins. He was one of those artsy types, and I would normally never associate with those people, but he made me this kickass pottery bowl-thing, so he’s cool in my book. He probably will not take that as a complement, and I do not blame him; I am a terrible judge of character. Anyway, For his birthday I wanted to tell him how he makes me feel- mostly nauseous:

Happy Birthday Joel!

This next one was for my friend Jordan. He works out at the gym, and he was one of the first non-band people I met after I moved to Ohio. I’m pretty sure he hated me back then. Anyway, he wears these retarded green shoes at the gym, and I cannot help but laugh to myself whenever I see them. So, in lue of that, I made him this:

Green shoes? WTF Jordan?

For the rest of the birthdays, I do not remember who I made the pictures for, so I am just going to throw them up here and let you people sort it out. Enjoy:

Happy Birthday “?”!

Happy Birthday “?”!

Happy Birthday “?”!

Well, I guess I still have a long road ahead of me compassion-wise. But at least I am on the right road! C’mon, baby steps, people, baby steps.

Anyway, these are all of the e-cards that I made. I would continue to make these, but I have lost all interest in doing so. This actually was difficult to do on a regular basis, and I quickly ran out of ideas. You might be wondering how I would run out of ideas, but fuck you. What am I, a writer? Oh, yea…

Oh, and this is my 25th blog post! In celebration of this historic event, I have made myself a picture with a caption. (I know what I wrote in my last paragraph, but whatever.)

Wow, this hurts. I’m a dick.



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