My Fucked up Family and Why I Love Them for It

Out of all of my family members that I have (aunts, uncles and cousins included) I have realized that, out of all of my blog posts, I have only mentioned my older brother.  I don’t know why I have only mentioned him and no one else, but I am going to go ahead as assume it’s because he is an asshole. It’s like the MTV/VH1 reality TV philosophy: the worst people make things the most entertaining. But here is the problem: most of the members of my family are bad people. Not so bad as in they commit hate crimes or beat up children, but are more of a renewing source of entertainment for myself. This, therefore also makes me a bad person, in that I use people’s stupidity or dickery for entertainment. But then again, who does not do that? Anyway, today I am going to relay a story to you about my family, and how fucked up (and therefore entertaining) they are.

As I said, I am relaying this story- that is, I was not there for it, and am only telling you what I was told.

A couple of weeks ago, my mother’s cousin’s son died in Afganistan. No, that was not the funny part.  My mom and her sisters were close to their cousin, and they wanted to do something to help Jean (their cousin) cope with her loss (Still not the funny part). They all traveled to Washington D.C. for the funeral which I head was very nice and incredibly sad. Well Thursday night, my family went to P.F. Changs for dinner, and when they were about to leave, my older sister, Becky, said that she needed to go to the bathroom. I swear that this next part is all true:

As my family walked out of the restaurant, my mom gets a phone call from Amy (my younger sister) who is distraught. She tells my mom that she is in jail because her and her friend beat up another girl for trying to steal money from another friend. At first, my mom thought that the person on the phone sounded like Becky, but she checked her phone and realized that the call was coming from Amy’s number. Amy then started to freak out and then hung up the phone, leaving my mom in Washington D.C. with a child in jail in Columbus. My mom more or less had a break down. Which would be reasonable; think about it. If you just spent the day trying to console your cousin over the loss of her son, and all of a sudden you get a call from your youngest child (who has gotten into trouble before) saying that she is in jail for ghetto-stomping some bitch, wouldn’t you freak out?

Well, that is what my mom did. She sat on the curb, trying to figure out how in the hell she was going to help Amy out. She sent Amy (who was supposed to go to a wedding that Saturday) a text message that asked if she was still going to be out of jail by Saturday so that she could still go to it. But then, Becky and my cousins came out of the restaurant with big grins on their faces. Becky asked my aunt what’s wrong with my mom, and she told her. Then, my sister began to laugh her ass off. My mom then of course realized what had happened. I then can only assume that my mom slapped the shit out of her.

Becky went into the restroom with my cousins, and while they were in there, Becky came up with a great idea. She used an app on her phone that makes it look like she is calling from a different number. She set in on Amy’s number and called my mom, frantically lying to her.

Of course Becky did all of this without any of Amy’s knowledge, so when she got the text message, Amy was understandably confused, and sent a text message back to my mom asking what she was talking about, to which my mom replied, “Talk to your sister.”

I heard about this on Sunday, after all this shit did, in fact, go down. Needless to say, I laughed at it. I also sent a text message to Becky pointing out how much of a bitch she is, but that is something that I do regularly.

This is only one of the instances that my sister has lied to someone with hilarious results. One day when I was just learning how to drive, she was taking me to the mall when she said, “Doug, did you know that the stop signs with a white line around the edge are optional?” she then ran straight through one, without any hesitation. I, being someone who only had his learner’s permit, took what she said as true, especially because she had just driven through a goddamn stop sign, and embedded that information deep into my memory. But after a few seconds, Becky then said, “You know I’m joking, right? All stop signs have that line.” Damn. She got me, and I was totally unprepared for it. Ever since then, I have had the desire to purposefully run a stop sign so that I could get pulled over and say to the cop, “I’m sorr officer, but I was told when I had my learner’s permit that the stop signs with the white line are optional.” I am pretty sure the cop would get a good laugh. I am also pretty sure that I would still get a ticket, so I have never tried it.

I guess what this comes down to is what I have learned from Becky:

  1. No stop sign is optional; they all have that line.
  2. Never believe a word Becky says unless someone trust worthy (or Wikipedia) agrees.
  3. Everyone is out to get you.
  4. Never trust technology; it’s always in the wrong hands.
  5. Bitches can be funny

OK, that’s all for now.



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