THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!!!! Show me your tits.

DISCLAIMER: IF YOU ARE ONE OF THE ENLIGHTENED FEW THAT TAKE CONSPIRACY THEORIES INTO CONSIDERATION, SKIP THE FIRST SECTION OF THIS POST. AFTER THE DOUBLE LINE, THERE IS IMPORTANT INFORMATION THAT EVERYONE NEEDS TO READ; I JUST NEED TO CONVINCE THE NON-BELIEVERS FIRST.

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Are they gone? Good.

I don’t know about you kind folk who read my blog, but I tend to talk to a lot of crazy people. This is partly because I find them amusing, but mostly because I am a little batshit insane myself. I know what you’re thinking (really) and its, “Oh, Minigan, we don’t think you’re crazy. Of course the gnomes are out to get your spleen.” Well, fuck you. I don’t need your sympathy or for you to humor me. Besides, what the FUCK are you doing to stop the gnomes? You’re puny, nonsilver Hu-mon bullets cannot affect them.  Or maybe that’s werewolves. Fuck, they’re out to get my spleen too? Well, it looks like I need to get some garlic cloves, a wooden stake, and some glitter remover.

I guess what I was trying to point out here is that everyone (even the people who “don’t exist”) are out to get me. But while we’re on the subject of people believing that incredibly stupid things are real, lets move back onto this week’s blog or whatever.

Woo, Minigan posted another blog. I’m gonna go cut myself now. woo.

Like I said, for some reason, I converse with a lot of crazy people. “Crazy” might be an unfair word, but when has that ever stopped me before? Anyway, the crazy people I talk to are not the “locked in an insane asylum” ones, nor the “I hear voices” ones, or even the “I make suits out of fat chicks’ flesh” ones, but the “I swear to God the Government is hiding something” ones. This group of crazies is the worst type because these crazies will push all of their beliefs on you when you mention something that is only loosely related to whatever is trying to end the world this week. They’re worse than devout Christians (mainly because what they say is even crazier than what the Bible says). Buffalo Bill may have murdered people, but at least he kept his mouth shut about it.

Look lady, I could start rambling on about how the Government is going to fuck us. Just put the lotion on your goddamn skin.

This type of crazy person bothers me not only for forcing their ideas down my protesting throat, but also for their apparent lack of creativity. Out of all the conspiracy theories I have heard, there are five types: Biblical, Government, Alien (or anything space related), Bitchy Wrath of Mother Earth, and the amalgamation of the first four.

What’s convienent about conspiracy theories in general is that they latch onto the upcoming end of the world date and the people who believe in them swear to God that when that day comes, serious shit will be going down. Do you remember the late 90’s? Everybody knew that the world would lose its shit once the clock struck midnight and December 31st 1999 turned into January 1st 2000. “Y2K is going to kill you dead and rape your mother!” they cried, “Buy canned goods a gun and lots of fucking ammo to keep your neighbors at bay. Do you remember what happened that day? NOTHING FUCKING HAPPENED. So, what did the conspiracy theorists do, seeing as they were obviously wrong? Admit their mistake? Fuck no, they just pointed to a calendar from an extinct civilization and said, “The Mayans predicted it! 2012 the world will end!”  and every talking point since has been somehow linked to the oncoming apocalypse.

The amalgamations are by far the worst mostly because they are obviously bull shit. There is enough reasonable doubt to make the first categories seem plausible to a perfectly sane, albeit gullible person. But the last one is loaded with so much bull shit that if we used it as fertilizer, we could solve world hunger. For instance, the following conspiracy theory/ end of the world scenario was told to me by a coworker of mine at Geagle:

GB (Gullible Bitch)- Have you heard about the new H1N1 vaccine?

Me- Yea, a few people I know have gotten the shot.

GB- Do you know that they’re making it mandatory?

Me- No, but that doesn’t sound like a terrible idea as long as it doesn’t mutate.

GB-NO. It’s a bad thing.

Me- It is?

GB- Yea, because they are going to put a computer chip in your hand too.

Me- Why would they do that?

GB- So that all of your money will be tracked on the chip and all of the world Governments can do away with paper money.

Me- well, that doesn’t sound like a bad thing.

GB- That’s the Mark of The Beast!!!

Me- huh?

GB- They are going to control everything about you with that chip! Once you get it in you, they have all of your information. You only exist if they say you do!

Me- So they’re going to force us to get the implant?

GB- Well, no. The implant will be optional, but those who don’t get it will be put on a list to be killed.

Me-OK?

GB- Not only that, do you know what is in that vaccine that will be mandatory?

Me- [sigh] What’s in the vaccine?

GB- The Flu Virus!!!

Me- Well, yeah. That is was a vaccine is: a weakened form of the virus so that your body can create antibodies for it.

GB- No, this will be a new flu Virus, H1N9, and there won’t be a cure for it, and it will kill everybody!

Me- Who is planning all of this? [at this moment, I realized how retarded this all sounded, and how retarded I was for continuing to ask questions.]

GB- Our Govnernment! Actually, every government in the world is going to do this.

Me- But why?

GB- so that they can make money and to control the world’s population!

Me- But if they kill off everyone, why will they even need money?

GB- It doesn’t matter! What matters is what will happen to the people who refuse to get the chip.

Me- [sigh] What will happen to them?

GB- they will be put in those, um, what are they called?

Me- [Realizing exactly where this stupidity is going] Concentration Camps.

GB- YES!!! I wonder what they’ll make us do there.

Me- [at this point, I realized that she had just given me the opportunity to fuck with her. I obviously took advantage of it.] They’ll probably make us work.

GB-Doing what?

Me- You know, the normal stuff: digging trenches, building railroads, stuff like that.

GB- Why would they build railroads?

Me- Well, how else are they going to get everyone to the camps? The trenches will be where they put the bodies they don’t burn.

GB- Wow, you sure do know a lot about concentration camps.

Me- Well, my sister- [meaning that my sister tried to feed me this garbage too.]

GB- Your sister works at one?!?!?

Me- [slight pause] Yes!!!

GB-Really?!?!

Me- Yeah! You know Los Angeles? That entire city is a concentration camp. That’s where they send all the liberals.

Let’s take a look at this conspiracy theory, and deconstruct the more retarded parts of it.

  1. They are going to make us get a flu shot that will kill us all, and then give us the option to have all of our personal information stored in our hands? Jesus Christ, if they want more money, how about they not kill everyone off and not fund the computer chips? That seems more efficient to me than the whole “Control the Population and kill everybody” thing, but hey, I’m no economist.
  2. While we are on the subject of the piss poor idea of killing everyone to lower the population, killing everyone is a terribly inefficient way to control the population. Think about the Holocaust and Stalin’s camps in Siberia, now think about all of the work that was involved in setting up the camps, identifying the targeted people, collecting said people, getting the country on your side both politically and militarily, sending the people to the camps, and running the camps. That is a lot of shit to pull off, and if I remember correctly, they weren’t doing that to control the population, they were doing it to get rid of their enemies. If a country really wants the population numbers to go down, they will just set up what China has set up: a birth limit. This means that a couple can only have so many children before they are no longer allowed to legally reproduce. And while we’re on the subject of china…
  3. We as Americans hate the fact that the Chinese have that large of a population. As red, white, and blue blooded Americans, to us, everything is a contest to prove who is the best. Just about everything we do is to prove to the world that we have the biggest dick in that particular field. We are already pissed off at the Chinese for having all of our jobs, not because we need them, but because the fact that they are making our products makes them better than us somehow. Throw in the fact that they are also lording their 1 billion+ population over our measly 300,000, well, that makes me want to impregnate as many women I come across just to boost the population a little.
  4. The Governments actually need us. Without the population, the people in power have no power. Not only that, what would they do without us. They would have no food (They’ve killed off all of the farmers), no water (the water treatment plant workers), no gasoline (workers of oil refineries, truck drivers, and gas station workers), or any other good or textile (every other factory worker, truck driver, and store employee).  All the rich would die of starvation within weeks after killing off every useful person.
  5. I know that many overtly religious people are hypocrites. It happens. One minute they’re damning homosexuals, underage drinking, and condom use, When WHAM!! BAM!! A Catholic priest is accused of fondling an altar boy. And politicial hypocrites are even worse than the religious hypocrites. But here’s the thing: no matter how many douchebags are in office, the vast majority of politicians and religious leaders are still going to have the crazy thought of, “Hey, killing off millions of people is a terrible and immoral idea.”
  6. We as Americans like our National Identity, and our National Identity extends all the way down to our currency. Fuck, we refuse to convert to the metric system (despite the fact that it makes much more sense), How in the fuck is the Government going to agree on eliminating our paper money so that we can conform with the rest of the rest of the world. And while we’re on the subject of our government getting shit done…
  7. Since when does our government agree on anything? Republicans and Democrats fight over everything, and because of this, shit never gets done. How in God’s Jewey sounding name is our government going to start a holocaust when we spend the better part of 2 years trying to get a Health care reform bill passed? Hell, The entire State of California can’t even decide whether or not gays should live out the rest of their lives in agony; we as a country will never get something as complicated as the mass execution of the population off the ground.
  8. What are we, sheep? Can anyone sincerely think that even if, despite everything I just said, our Government does go through with this and does start killing off people with the H1N1 vaccine (but seeing as though I haven’t heard anything about it for months, I’m going to have to assume that I was correct in concluding that this theory was bullshit), that we as a nation would just continue on with our little lives, not once stopping and noticing that that prick who works at the cubical next to you has been gone for almost two months, and nobody has heard a word about where he has gone? How about when our friends and family start getting arrested and never come back, wouldn’t we notice then? Some people might say that we would be too afraid to do anything about it. That’s fucking bullshit. First of all, you have the conspiracy theorists that are probably hoarding ammunition and guns in case this does happen, then  you have the people who love to protest who will probably throw tea parties because they don’t understand History, and then there are the crazy people like me who will most likely join the many rebellion movements to topple the Government if a scenario like this should ever come to pass.

What I am trying to point out is that simple logic can poke more holes into a conspiracy theory than what exist on the arms of the members of Areosmith.

another theory that is probably true: Steven Tyler has been dead for the past 20 years.

But I like fucking with people (especially the stupid ones), So I am going to make up my own conspiracy theory. It is below the double lines that I mentioned at the beginning. If you agree with me that conspiracy theories are utter crap, then spread this one to all of the gullible people you know. Ya know, to fuck with them. It’ll be funny.

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Holy Shit, No one drink bottled water!!! I have uncovered a plot that will cause the Apocalypse and every government in the world is behind it! It is all going to start with bottled water. For the past decade, ever since bottled water sales has shot up, The governments of the world have been devising a way to lower their populations so that not only will they be able to keep their power, but also gain mass quantities of money at the same time. Here’s how they are gonna do it:

It all starts with bottled water. Bottled water, as you may or may not know, is not 100% pure. In fact, “pureified” bottled water is loaded with chemicals, and the chemical that is most prevalent is Dihydrogen Monoxide. There is an entire website dedicated to pointing out the dangers of this volatile chemical, but I will give you some of the more important facts.

  1. It is commonly called Hydric acid or Hydronium Hydroxide
  2. It can burn your fucking flesh if you come into contact with its gaseous or liquid forms.
  3. It is a major greenhouse gas
  4. It’s a major ingredient in many home-made bombs
  5. It is a major ingredient in many household cleaners and in engine coolant
  6. It’s used in the production and distribution of many pesticides, including DDT
  7. A thimble full can kill an adult human, like, seriously. It but bust a cap in that punk ass bitch.

Water is from the motherfuckin STREETS!

Obviously Dihydrogen Monoxide is unsafe, but why have we never heard about the dangers of this chemical before? Well, that’s simple, the government is keeping it from us. The FDA does not regulate the use of the chemical in most products, the Center for Disease control has no comments on the dangers of it.

Neither government agency talks about this product, mainly because they are the ones behind putting the chemical into the bottled water. Because of the power of the FDA, the Government was able to demand that DHMO be a major ingredient in bottled water, and that it’s official name be stricken from the ingredient list. And with each year, there is more DHMO in the water. In 2000, the percentage of DHMO that was in bottled water was as little as 5%, but as of 2010, at least 50% of all water in bottled water is Dihydrogen Monoxide.

If you are thinking to yourself, “Well, I guess I am going to stop drinking bottled water,” it doesn’t matter. The water that comes out of you tap is chalk full of the compound as well, and even if you put your tap water through a filter, 100% the Dihydrogen Monoxide that is in your tap water will pass through the filter. OMG!!!

Well, what about the water in streams, rivers, and oceans, the compound couldn’t possibly be in that water too, right? Wrong again, you fool. The oceans have the highest concentration of Dihydrogen Monoxide, and the melting of the polar ice caps is releasing more into the oceans every day.

So, what the fuck can we do about it? Nothing. At least not until 2012, when the magnetic poles switch from the oncoming planet X. But by then, many of us will be dead, either from the poisoned water, or the concentration camps the governments will put us in for refusing to drink bottled water. Concentration camps like this one in Indiana:

Granted, that was an old video, but you get the point- Our government wants us all dead.

For those of us who are able to stay out of the concentration camps and survive on the water, we will have to wait until 2012 to arrive because the aliens that live on planet X will help us overthrow the government leaders by flipping the polarity of Earth and therefore making our old forms of communication useless and disabling the governments. Of course the government does not want this, so they have had Hollywood make Alien movies In which the Aliens attack us in order to keep us in fear of extraterrestrials.

If you believe any part of what I have written, then you need to “like” this page or share it with your friends on facebook. Of course, facebook keeps track of what you post, so there is a possibility that the Government may come looking for you, but that is a risk we should all take. It is for the good of our country and our species. Hopefully we can get the word out to enough people so that—Oh God, THE CIA HAS JUST BUSTED INTO MY HOUSE!!! THEY’VE COME TO GET ME!!!  I NEED TO POST THIS, AND QUICK! EVERYONE WHO READS THIS NEEDS TO SHARE IT WITH SOMEONE THEY CARE ABOUT, THAT WAY, I WILL NOT DIE IN VAIN. SHIT, THEY’RE AT MY BEDROOM DOOR. NO, NO NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AVENGE ME, AVENGE MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!

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1 Comment

  1. Freaking hilarious!!! True but hilarious!


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