Goddamn Spiders

Yesterday, I found a spider in my bathroom- more specifically, in my shower. Where I bathe. In the nude. With my dong out.

Let me give you a little bit of my history so that you understand how big of a deal this is.

When I was younger, I had three main phobias: Water, heights, and spiders. I was afraid of water because when I was a young kid, I fell off of a raft at my aunt and uncle’s house, and I was too small to get my head  back above the water. I don’t remember the reason I was afraid of heights, but I assume it has something to do with the fact that my dad also has a crippling fear of heights. As for spiders… I don’t know why I was afraid of them. Let’s just go with that I was a huge pussy when I was a kid. It’s the truth after all.

Anyway, as I got older, I decided (for no real good reason) that I was tired of being afraid of these things and that I wanted to conquer them. I learned to tread water, swim, and swim well, which made me no longer afraid of deep water. I rode the Pittfall at Kennywood Park, which not only conquered my fear of heights, but made me fall in love with the adrenaline rush that came from being up incredibly high. Ah, but spiders, my story of conquering that  fear  was different from the other two.  Instead of tackling my fear head on whenever the situation arose,  I needed to act passively and just watch the creatures. From this I realized that for the most part, the bastards were harmless and only looked terrifying really close up. I was officially on relatively good terms with spiders. I realized that spiders and I have common enemies. Spiders eat house flies (the retarded cousin of the insect world), and the fucking hate wasps (the homicidal maniac of the insect world). Seeing as though house flies irritate the shit out of me, and I kill wasps on the assumption that they had every intention of killing me first, I decided that spiders weren’t so bad after all.

Then I discovered the horrible monsters that live in Australia.

For instance, there is a spider in Australia that is as large as a dinner plate, deadly to even the most Steve Irwinest of humans, and insanely aggressive. Why the fuck does it need to be aggressive? Its already the size of a dinner plate to ward off the smart humans and its poison warns/ kills the stupid ones. Why does it fucking need to run at us and bite us too?

Because nature is an unforgiving bitch.

Anyway, after this I became a little bit edgy around spiders again. I wasn’t at “run away screaming like a little bitch” phobia level yet, but at the “Jesus Christ, a spider! Kill it and every one it has ever loved,” level.

Once again, I was not willing to let this fear control me, so I did best that I could while still holding the information of the Australian spider of death: I made a truce with spiderkind. Basically, the truce was that as long as the spider did not sneak up on me or charge at me, I would not would not kill it violently, but just let it continue live its happy, spidery existence. This pact has gone incredibly well for the past few years.  It became a common act of mine to find spiders in my house and take them outside. And when I’d do that, I’d sort of feel bad that I might be sending them to their deaths via birds.  And if you are friends with me on facebook (Which I assume you are because no one I don’t know reads this blog), some of you may even remember this guy:

I have no clue why this spider doesn’t freak me out.

This spider is a marbled orb weaver, and I found this guy chillin’ outside the front door to my house. I saw him from far enough away and did not feel its web land on me like how some other asshole spiders do. I fed him some moths and other bugs, and he let me take pictures of him eating the bugs. He was pretty cool.

But the spider yesterday, it broke our pact. It snuck up on me; it crept into my bathroom, climbed into my shower, and waited like the little asshole it is. The fucker even decided to stay at eye level near where I have to stand to get wet. The entire damn time I had to jump in and out of the water to bathe, just in case the nefarious bastard tried to pull any funny shit. I did end up using the edge of the shampoo bottle to get him far enough away so that I could try to bathe properly. But I still kept an untrusting eye on it. I even had a bit of a one sided conversation with him. It went a little like this:

Me: [steps into the shower, sees spider] spider! Shit! Get out of the water, Minigan, get out of the water and kill it!

[to the spider] what the fuck are you doing, spider? We clearly had an agreement. I wouldn’t kill any of you as long as you guys didn’t surprise me. You broke the pact. It is now my right to fuck your day up. You know that, right? I should just kill you right now and let your evil, fanged corpse go down the drain and right to Hell.

[looks down at the water collecting  in the tub; the drain is clogged again. Says to himself] Damn my long hair! [to the spider] OK, so I won’t let you go down the drain because you’ll end up just floating around in the water for a while and eventually reach my legs. And my legs are way too close to my dick for me to think that’s a good idea.

When it comes to spiders, any part of my body is too close to my dick.

OK spider, here’s what we’re gonna do. I’m not only going to let you live, I am going to actively save your life and push you to higher ground, er wall. Then, you will stay there  and NOT JUMP ONTO  MY FUCKING FACE while I take my shower. I will then put you outside and you will never come back inside, OK?

[The spider rearranged it’s antennae. Minigan replies] I’ll take that as a sign of agreement.

[later, after moving the spider up past the shower tiles, out of nowhere Minigan says] You’re a real asshole, spider, I hope you know that.

It rearranges its antennae again.

[Minigan] every instinct in my body is telling me to punch you to death right now.

I should of killed him, as per my arrangement with all of spider kind, but being the benevolent creature that I am, I instead let him live. I still have no idea as to why I let the little bundle of legs and nightmares live after he deliberately broke the pact.

Anyway, that is all I really have to say about that.

Peace

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