The American Douchebag’s Guide to Europe: London

Before I get started with this, I would like to point out that since I had limited access to wifi on the trip, and mostly because I was lazy, I did not get many of these posts finished, so it will take me a while to actually get these online. Deal with it.

Why is it always gloomy in that place? It's so depressing.

Ok, I’m not going to talk to you about the history all that much because history is booooooooooring. But I will say this. It was founded by the Romans back in the… um… a really fucking long time ago. Where they built is now known as the City of London (This area is mostly the financial district). If I just confused you, then you are a rational person. See, the City of London is only a small section of the larger London area. London is divided into separate cities. The City of London is one, Westminster is another, Soho is a third Notting Hill is another, but who gives a fuck about that place. All of this will be important later, so take notes.
London’s current population is 7.5 million, making it the world’s most populated city.

Initial Thoughts
Once I was out of the airport, all I could think about is, “Wow, this looks just like America. This is very disappointing. The trees look the same, the buildings look the same, the bad areas look the same. Even the people look the same, even if it is in that creepy, almost human way: like a mannequin or a corpse that has been posed ‘Weekend at Bernie’s’ style and photographed.”

We stayed at the Tower Mint Hotel, which was located in The City of London and essentially right across the street from the Tower of London. Which, by the way, is not a tower at all. Yeah, total rip-off. Anyway, Our Hotel was ultra-modern, sleek and probably really expensive. The bar at the top of it sure as hell was. Each of our rooms had free wifi AND an iMac. The best part of the room, though, was that it was facing an area where they filmed part of one of the Harry Potter movies. That’s right, I was within spitting distance of Diagon Alley and I was pretty damn happy about that.

The view from my hotel on the first night. I know it's blurry; my camera sucks at taking night pictures.

Tea and Crumpets? Fish and Chips? What in the Hell do the British eat? Well, I did eat fish and chips. It was ok, but they served it with mashed peas, or what we normal people (Americans) call it: baby food. Simply said, I was not a fan of much of any of it. The Indian food, on the other hand, was fucking delicious. I also had Italian food and Japanese food, because apparently, fuck British food. Here is the video of the Japanese restaurant. I suggest you watch it.

The Beer. Oh my God, the beer. First of all, the alcohol percentage of some British beers is 8%. Secondly, they taste better than American beers. And thirdly, the beer, despite the alcohol percentage, was still only 3-4 British Pounds. That’s like 5-6 American Dollars. Hells yeah!

Awwwwwwww, their accents are adorable! I just want to hug ‘em and hug ‘em and hug’em! On another note, they all have a crazy infatuation with an old woman. Their obsession borders on unhealthy. I did happen to get a picture of here though.

Right there in the back window of the moving car. She is wearing blue. Why do people give such a damn about this old woman?

Overall Atmosphere
In all honesty, I felt at home in London. The place is relatively clean (the telephone booth I got a picture in had pee on the floor. Yes, I still did get that picture taken.), and the tube system is incredibly easy to use. It didn’t hurt that I spoke the same language as the locals, making it a whole lot easier to mingle with them. My only issue was that I never did see any trickster gypsies trying to sell trailers. You lied to me, Jason Statham, you lied to me.


1 Comment

  1. Sunday roasts. Basically, meat and two veg: beef joint with Yorkshire pudding; or, chicken with bread sauce; or, lamb with mint sauce, etc. These awesome dishes are normally followed by yummy desserts: treacle tart, banofee pie, rhubarb crumble, apple cake, etc. Followed by cheese platters. Also accompany this with a gin and tonic to start and wine along the way, makes the week mealt away. To further this, toad in the hole, bangers and mash and proper fish and chips from a good place. Completely agree, the curry is amazing. England has Anglicised Indian curry in a similar fashion to America adtoping Mexican dishes as Tex Mex. When it comes to traditional English dishes though, they have to be found in a good pub and accompanied with a bitter shandy. From what I have found the British are amazing cooks. So when it comes to the tradtional, that’s found in the home. Restaurants in the UK are for the food that cannot easily be whipped up (for the most part). Last thing. In the right place, peppery mushy peas are great. Just don’t try jellied eels or pickled eggs. Come back to England for a good meal if you like. P.s. the street food is getting amazing.

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