Hogwarts School is Actually an Awful Place to Send a Child

For some reason, maybe it’s because after all these years I still love the series, or maybe it’s because the final movie came out this year and it made me nostalgic, but I’ve been reading the Harry Potter series over again.  Even as an adult (that doesn’t sound right, let’s just say college graduate) the story is entertaining and the characters are relatable.  However, the last time I read these books was around six to seven years ago. And because of this, I didn’t really notice a lot of the fucked up aspects of the Harry Potter universe until my current read through.

I’m not going into some of the details, seeing as though Cracked.com has already pointed out some of the fucked up aspects of Harry Potter in this video, but I still have a bit of a bone to pick with Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

I am going to ignore the fact that in the last book, the pinnacle battle between good and evil took place at Hogwarts because that wasn’t the teachers’ idea. It was Harry and Voldermort’s fault for bringing the battle to a school where 11 year olds sleep. I will, however point out that in the other six books, the students have been placed in serious danger by the adults in the wizarding world. What this comes down to is that Hogwarts is as dangerous to children as a NAMBLA convention/ lit firecracker holding competition.

In book one, Dumbledore decided that the Sorcerer’s Stone, an object that he knows full goddamn well that Voldermort was after, should be kept at Hogwarts for safe keeping. Dumbledore knew that Voldermort was more than willing to kill any child that was in the way of what he wanted, and he knew that Voldermort was too afraid of him to just go to the school and take the stone. Except that last part totally happened. Voldermort DID get into the school via the back of the new Defense Against the Dark Arts Professor’s head. Somehow Dumbledore, who has shown some ability to read minds, completely failed to notice. Snape, the true hero of the series and the one who has showed  that he can read minds, also seemed to let Quirrel’s thought of “Oh my God, I’VE GOT A FACE ON THE BACK OF MY HEAD! I’VE GOT A FACE ON THE BACK OF MY HEAD!” slip passed.  Sure, Dumbledore did rig it so that anyone who wanted to use the stone could not get it, but that still did  not stop the most dangerous wizard in history to break into the school and threaten  all of the student’s safety, including the only wizard who was going to be able to stop him. That wizard, by the way, was only 11 years old and only found out that he was a wizard a couple of months before.

Also Dumbledore, I would seriously reconsider your security tactics if 3 eleven year old kids can get through most of your traps. That is, unless your security tactics are solely based on “Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader” logic.

According to Dumbledore: no, no you're not.

On to Book 2. Yes, I am going through the books in order. There is a whole fucking lot to deal with. In The Chamber of Secrets, Hogwarts, the safest place for children in the wizarding world, was attacked by a monster in the Chamber of secrets. As it turns out, a first year girl was hypnotized into opening the chamber and releasing the monster by a possessed diary. Really. While all the teachers have their hands up their asses about who is responsible, the three main characters are the ones doing the active detective work to find the chamber. The teachers were pretty sure that the chamber was just a myth because no one could find it… well, except for a few second years and the Slytherin prefect from 50 years ago (Yes, the chamber was opened before, while Dumbledore was a professor no less), so let’s just chalk that up to the ineptitude of the Hogwarts faculty.   Also, while it’s good that no one died this time, the only reason there were no deaths the second time around was because of sheer luck. Every person that was attacked just happened to see the basilisk indirectly. So, for the second year in a row, the students in the school are saved and Lord Voldermort was prevented to return to power thanks to some kid who can’t seem to mind his goddamn own business sometimes.

Book Three: OK, let’s just start with the most obvious fact: Dumbledore hired a werewolf. Yes, he was a good guy when he is in his human state, but when he was in wolf form, he cannot stop himself from attacking people in his way. That is kind of a bad thing when it comes to him living in a place with thousands of children, especially because these children have a tendency to sneak around at night.

No, it's cool. I've got tenure.

Speaking about sneaking around at night, the murderer, Sirius Black, was able to sneak not only past the dementors, and into the castle, but he was also able to break into the Gryffindor tower  and attempt to take a boy’s rat (what he was really after, because it was actually the person he was accused of killing in the first place… SPOILER ALERT!). How does something like that even happen? Harry cannot sneak out at night without running into at least one teacher or over hearing a plot forwarding conversation, but a convicted murderer can simply stroll into the school and up to the Gryffindor tower without any teacher crossing his path or any of the talking portraits questioning what he was doing.  I really hope that the teachers aren’t getting paid extra for their guard duties.

And on a side note, I should mention that in book three, we learn why the school decided that a tree that attacks anything that gets too close would be a great addition to the scenery of the grounds. It should also be noted that in book 2, Harry and Ron accidently fly a car into it. And while they narrowly escape death via foliage, the professors are more concerned for the tree’s well being. I’m beginning to think that the staff at Hogwarts want all children dead, and they’re none too secretive about it.

So, you're saying that this tree will attack anything that comes too close, and that it's a dangerous thing to keep near meddlesome children? Great! I'll take 5!

Book 4: This one doesn’t directly endanger any of the students other than Harry, but due to this lack of logic, they inadvertently endanger the entire world and cause many, easily avoided deaths. What I’m talking about is that someone put Harry’s name into the goblet of fire, and, as per the rules of the tournament, once a champion is selected, he/she must compete. But why? That is never explained; all the reader knows is that it is a rule that cannot be broken. But from what we see from the rest of the book, the goblet plays no importance at all. In fact, after it has chosen the champions, the goblet’s fire is goes out and doesn’t relight until the next tournament. Human judges, not the cup, give out the scores. So, why do they need to enforce that rule, or rather, what is going to enforce that rule? Sure, the Goblet is magic and holds blue flames, but it’s just a cup. What the Hell is it going to do if one of the champions does not compete? So either Dumbledore really wanted Harry to risk his life every year he attends Hogwarts, or Dumbledore and the other teachers simply forgot that a cup cannot tell you what to do because it’s a fucking cup.

I, THE GOBLET OF FIRE, DEMAND TO BE FILLED WITH THE BLOOD OF THE POTTER CHILD!

Book 5: Actually, I don’t have anything to say about Hogwarts from this book. It was actually pretty safe during this year. I hate to point it out, but maybe that evil bitch, Umbridge, was the best thing to happen to that school.

Book 6: In this book we find out that there is a pair of magical cabinets that transport someone from one to another despite the distance. We also find out that one of those magical cabinets is located in the Room of Requirement, aka the room where all students stuff their illegal items in. where’s the other one? In Knockturn Alley, a place where only dark wizards congregate. Of course Dumbledore might not have known about the cabinet, but he certainly did know about the room and it’s special ability to suit the user’s needs, so he should have known about its use as a store-house and cleaned it out years ago. That is, after all, how a bunch of bad guys broke into the school, attacked a bunch of students, and eventually lead to Dumbledore’s death (SPOILER ALERT– I don’t think I’m doing that right).

Seriously, with all the shit that goes down at Hogwarts, I’m amazed at how no students die on a regular basis.

Peace, Muggles.

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