The American Douchebag’s Guide to Europe: Germany

Yes, I did party in Germany with George W. Bush, twin Justin Biebers, and the lead singer of the Red Hot Chili Peppers


Germany is one of the newest countries in Europe, it being founded in the mid-1800s after conglomerating a bunch of different Germanic states, including Prussia, into one large Germanic state. They quickly launched themselves onto the global scene by colonializing parts of Africa and then Invading France. The latter event was a little snaffoo known as World War 1, which was, as American History has told me, all Germany’s fault. Although, has shown good evidence that it was actually a sandwich’s fault.

Then there was a little kerfuffle known as World War 2, which I’m going to assume none of you care to hear about right now. Therefore I’ll just give you a few important words that should give you an idea of what it was all about: evil mustache, Yakama camps, human suffering, the fires of a thousand suns.

Since then, Germany has certainly liberaled up. What with their equal rights and so forth. They are also really into weird shit when it comes to the bedroom.

Initial Thoughts

This is Bull. Shit. I can’t believe that I have to pay a Euro just to use a public restroom. This is by far the worst atrocity that Germany has done against humanity, and that includes keeping David Hasselhoff’s comatose career alive. I swear to Odin that this better be the best bathroom I’ve ever pooped in, or I’m going to tear down the economy of all of Europe. I mean, there better be a solid gold toilet seat and a poo butler to wipe my butt afterwards. Seriously, I will break the economy of all of Europe if it doesn’t ha-

“Guten Tag!” said a funny looking old man wearing a sharp black suit.

I eyed him curiously and then returned his greeting, completely mispronouncing it as it rolled lazily out of my mouth.

“Ah you must be an American!” he exclaimed a thick German accent, “Velcome to ze men’s room at ze train station of Koln, Germany! I am your Hüttediener, or poop servant. How may I be of assistance?”

“Oh wow,” I stammered, completely taken aback by the existence of a poop servant. I was just being sarcastic when I thought that, but I decided to see what else they’ve got. “Take me to your golden seated toilet, please,” I said in a dignified manner after regrouping. The man bowed, revealing a perfectly circular bald spot on the top of his head, and lead me to the nearest stall. He opened the opaque glass door for me and I stepped in. Immediately I was bathed in a golden light. Right in front of me stood a golden toilet that sat on a pediment of white marble.  I walked to it slowly, just soaking the image and the moment in. It was truly the most magnificent thing I have ever seen. I pulled down my pants, and chills went up my spine as I rested my cheeks on the comfortably warm, golden seat. Instantly a choir of angels erupted into a glorious rendition of the Hallelujah Chorus from Handel’s symphony, Messiah.

After I was finished doing my business, the Hüttediener asked me if I wanted him to wipe me, which I politely declined. He respected my refusal, but insisted that he wash my hands for me. As he lathered up my hands, I commented on my disbelief that they had solid gold toilets in Germany, and how utterly amazing the experience was.

“I’m glad you enjoyed yourself, herr Blackwood,” the man replied, “But zose toilets are only gold plated. Solid gold toilets vould be das crazy ya!”

I stood there, frozen, for a couple of seconds before I was able to speak. When I did, the words shook with anger, “You mean those toilets aren’t solid gold?”

Fear washed over the man’s heavily lined face. He gulped, “No, I’m sorry sir but zose would be too AAAARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!”

I grabbed the man by the side of his face and slammed him into the mirror over the sink. When I let go, the man fell into a wet and bloody heap on the floor. I then raised my fists to the air and screamed, “EEEEEEUUUUUUUURRRRRRRROOOOOOOOPPPPPPPPPPPEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Within minutes I was back on the bus. I was the last one in, and it looked like everyone was waiting for me. “C’mon, Andy, Let’s go,” I snapped as I walked down the aisle to my seat behind Brennen, “We need to go now. I need to enact some revenge against Europe as soon as possible. Also, I might have killed a guy back there.”

And that is why Europe’s economy is going to Hell and Germany is going to have to bail out the entire continent.


I don’t really remember much about where we stayed in Munich, except that the place was called the Atlas and I might have had to carry my luggage up the stairs to my room. My roommate also didn’t get any pictures of the room, so I think it is safe to say that the lack of information on the Munich hotel is mostly his fault.

However, I do remember the place where we stayed in Heidelberg.  The place was actually pretty magnificent. It had a large indoor courtyard area whose ceiling was nothing but glass. The rooms were a descent size, and my room had a view to an outdoor courtyard.  This Hotel was also within walking distance to a bar, so that was pretty cool also. But the coolest thing from the hotel room was this:

That is a leather recliner, and after 10 days of nonstop Eurotouring, this was the greatest thing that ze Germans could have given me. I only got to sit it for about 30 seconds, but was an amazing and relaxing 30 seconds. That would be my last time to relax until we got to Altenmarkt, Austria. And even then I had hiking and white water rafting before I was able to get to the relaxing part. [sigh] This trip was such an ordeal.

(Note: this next section will feature jokes about the Holocaust, so strap in!)


One of the first places we saw was the Cathedral in Cologne, or Koln (pronounced Kuerrn) if you’re a self-righteous douchebag like Jimmy Kohlberg. It was pretty cool. I didn’t go inside because I was hungry and needed to piss (what else is new?) but I did get a good look at its impressive façade,  and I’ve got to admit, it was a cathedral. It was all church like and everything.

Pictured: the only thing worth seeing in Koln Germany according to our tour guide, Andy.

The next thing we did in Deutschland was go on a cruise down the Rhine river. I saw castles! I saw a statue of a crying woman! I saw water! I saw it all while drinking beer and chilling on a boat with Zack and the Jersey boys, John and Paul.

One of the many castles I will own (or haunt) one day.

Then I saw this concentration camp:

Never Forget

People pretended to be confused when I started to act all solumn and yelled at them for not being somber in a place like that. “You’re insane, Minigan,” They said. “That’s just a playground,” they said. Really? It’s a playground? And where are the kids, in school? Bullshit. This was a concentration camp, and I had the feeling in my gut to prove it. They’re just haters. That’s why they gave me dirty looks and refused to talk to me for the rest of the day.

Anyway, after the surprise concentration camp visit, we visited the Heidelberg Castle and got to see the giant vats of wine, and also, ruins.

Yes, the cask is so big that people can throw a party on them.

I was disappointed with the Blackforest. Not because it was unimpressive or where we stopped was boring, but because it rained the entire time we were there, and I was really hoping  on going on a quick hike there. Especially because I wanted to have a run in with a wolf. Let me explain. My name, Minigan comes from the Native American word “mingan” which means “wolf.”  I would like to hope that my last name is self-explanatory (for those of you who don’t know, it’s Blackwood, it’s actually Scottish, and also, you suck). This means that my name means “Wolf of the Black Woods or Black Forest.” I also firmly believe that my spirit animal is a wolf, mostly because that is what every personality quiz on Facebook has told me. I wanted to meet a wolf in the Black Forest because I expected us to have one of those moments where we’re spiritually linked. You know, like how Frank Reynolds from “It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia” did with that rabbit.

Like this, only with a wolf and me not wearing a leather suit

Anyway, since it was raining, I didn’t get to do that, and that means that the entire Black Forest visit was a waste for me. Well, not a total waste, I did try schnitzel there (I’ll come back to that later).

Then we were on our way to Munich, with a brief 2 day side stop in Switzerland and Lichtenstien. (I’ll talk about those in a different blog post.) While in Munich, we stopped in the famous Hofbrauhaus, the very same one in which my friend, Connor Randal’s penis exploded six years before (That’s also a whole other story, and one that I need permission to tell). Anyway, my group partied there, we chatted with the locals, my roommate found someone that he knew from school but did not go on the trip with us, and nobody’s penis exploded. Overall, I think it was a successful trip to the Hofbrauhaus.

The Hofbrahaus is, in every sense of the word, amazing: it is a maze that will zing you with amazement (See what I did there?). It has the look and the feel of an giant cafeteria, except with fancy paintings on the wall, polka bands playing, and tons of beer.  It’s one of those places that you immediately feel at home in. You don’t have to fight for a place at the bar; the beer comes to you. Well, at least it did when I was there. Anyway, it had an old world feel to it, which made it comfortable, but  it still felt like a place that should exist in our time. Basically, I loved that place.

What could follow a night of drinking at the legendary Hofbrauhaus? A trip to the concentration camp, Dachau, that’s what. Compared to what I originally assumed was a concentration camp, Dachau was really depressing. There were barbed wire fences with watch towers, a gas chamber, and no playground equipment. Clearly horrible things occurred there. On the whole, Dachau was pretty depressing, what with the memorials to the people who suffered there, to the spots where the barracks used to stand, and all the pictures of when it was a functioning concentration camp. And what was with all the drab colors and peeling paint? C’mon Germany, the least you could do is spruce the place up a little bit. It’s not like I’m asking you to commit genocide. Besides, you should be comfortable with that already. Ooh! Zing!

lol but seriously, terrible things happened here


When you think of German food, you usually think of Bratwurst and sauerkraut, maybe even schnitzel depending on whether or not you consider food stolen from Austria “German.” In this case I am. I did have all three of those food, the first being the bratwurst and sauerkraut. For a person who doesn’t really like sauerkraut, I didn’t have to force myself to eat their sauerkraut, but that could have something to do with the fact that I had to cut it with mashed potatoes. The bratwurst, simply put, was amazing. It was the best brat that I’ve ever eaten, and I know this because when I got back to the states, I ate one at a party and was immediately disappointed.

Then there was the schnitzel. Jesus yodeling Christ. Schnitzel is literally the best thing I’ve ever eaten in my entire life. After the first bite, it became my new favorite food. The fact that I haven’t eaten it since I returned from Europe is a travesty all within itself. In all honesty, I would push an old woman down a well just to get some delicious, delicious schnitzel.

The Bavarian food? Eh- not so much. In Munich, we ate at a Bavarian restaurant and had some kind of pork and gravy dish with a potato dumpling. And by “potato dumpling” I think they meant, “glue ball.” That is sure what it’s consistency was like. As for the pork and gravy, it kind of reminded me of a TV dinner, and I don’t mean that in a good way (wait, is there a good way?).


Oh German beer, you set the standard for all of the world’s beer. And the rest of the world fails miserably at keeping up to that standard. German beer is strong, and delicious, and cheap, AND you get a lot of it.

Why liter beers didn't migrate over to America with the Germans who founded Pennsylvania is beyond me.

Germans, especially southern Germans, drink beer from liter steins. Liter beers might be mankind’s greatest invention since God, or war, or “God of War.” After drinking a liter of beer from one of the giant-ass mugs, you cannot help but think, “Germans have to be good people. No evil person could have ever come up with something so perfect. I think we should let that WWII thing go already. It’s in the passt… I’ve been wunderin’ why Waldo keeps hindin’-hic-. Is he in sum kind of witness projection-hic- program? If he is, he should-hic- stay out of-hic- big crowdz… BLUUUUURRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHH”


Shortly put, Germans are weird. While I was walking around the streets of Munich, I saw one guy is leather short shorts and a vest with chains on it, a little while later I saw a woman with blue hair. I would like to point out that this woman’s hair looked like it would be a black fro if she let it grow out, and no, this woman was white. Really. I swear if I would have gotten pictures of these people I would have posted them here. I would have also dedicated my entire post on Germany to making fun of these people.

However, the Amazing Paul Khoo (That’s his full name) did manage to get a picture of this German man and his “stepson.”

They are the two on the left- the two that clearly look like they belong there.

I’m going to give you my theory on this one. Don’t take it to heart and go to Germany to find this man, but I don’t believe that that is that man’s step son. I believe that he bought that boy was stolen from his home in the war torn parts of Coloumbia, and was shipped to Germany to be a sex slave to Baron Von Count up there. Look at his pretty, youthful, obviously non-Arian face. It screams, “Help me, he keeps me locked in a dungeon.” Granted, I believe that every German resident owns a sex slave that they keep locked up in the dungeon of their castle, so I might be a little biased on that one.

Brennen's exact thoughts at that moment: "Oh my God, this guy's hand is on my leg. It's moving higher, higher HIGHER!!!! I NEED AN ADULT!!!!

Overall Atmosphere

Germany is kind of all over the place with “overall atmosphere.” It’s like judging the overall atmosphere of America after seeing New York City, The Smoky Mountains, Las Vegas, and a Native American Reservation all within 2 days. You’ve got the business like atmosphere of Koln and the majesty, mysteriousness of the Black Forest and the Rhine River, and then there’s the party place that is Munich. And to top it all off, you have the areas that stand as testaments to human cruelty. But Germany is a spectacularly beautiful country. I’m not really sure why they would want to invade or colonize any other country (especially Russia) if every square meter of their country belongs on a postcard. And yes, I am including Dachau in on that statement.

I have a sneaking suspicion that I might just go to Hell for this.

OK. Time for more pictures!

The view from atop the castle at Heidelberg


This is a church that was near our hotel in Munich.

The door to the gas chamber

This would be a really depressing way to end this blog, so here’s a picture of me in front the Glockenspiel in Munich.

Ta da!

Peacen schrouten!



  1. I do actually read your blog when you go all updating fb with, “read this!”.
    I’m glad you had so much fun in Europe, and I hate you for it.
    See you around Halloween-ish 🙂

  2. Funny and entertaining. I spent 3+1/2 years there in the Army. The people are weird. The food is awesome. I thought the beer sucked ass, but then I’m not quite right.

    • Well agreeing on two out of three things is pretty good. And in your defense, after a few liters of beer, I stop caring about the taste and start debating on what felony I’m about to commit.

  3. […] you are dangerous and should be locked away. You almost threw me into the Canal at Venice. Andy-And you killed that poor Hüttediener. Zack- And you released the Kraken. Paul- And you smuggled drugs into Switzerland! Brennen- And you […]

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