Minigan Blackwood’s Official Christmas List For 2011


Well, Halloween is officially over, and you know what that means! It means that I’m going to start demanding that you, my readers, start buying me Christmas gifts. After all, you only have 54 more shopping days until Christmas, and I’ll be damned if you ungrateful bastards don’t get me anything for the third Christmas in a row. In 2009, I hinted that I really needed a girlfriend, or if not that, some high quality porno. In 2010, I decided to test you to see if you could come up with something all on your own. What did I get those two years? Nothing. This year, I am taking no chances, but instead posting my Christmas list to the Internet in the hopes that you might finally get off your lazy collective ass and get me something. I’m also going to do you a favor and give you an explanation as to why I want some of the items on the list. The list is ordered by how much I want the object from “Not much” to “I’ll rein down Hell fire if I do not get this.”

Happy Hunting!

  1. Peace on Earth.

    I’m not going to bullshit you here. I want this just about as much as you want it. I’m not saying that we are dicks, but World Peace seems like such a distant idea that we can’t really grasp it. So we all want it, but just not as much as we want, say, an Xbox. Which brings me to…
  2. An Xbox 360

    Now, I know that you must be saying to yourselves, “Minigan, you have a PS3, and you barely play that. Why do you want an Xbox?” And my reply to that is, “I thought that restraining is supposed to keep you 1,000 yards away from me and my house?” But in any case, you’re right. I don’t play my playstation all that often, so it doesn’t make sense for me to get another gaming console. However, there are games only for Xbox that I want to play, and every time I see a new Xbox game that looks kick ass, I get really pissed that I only have a PS3. Also, it really pisses me off when my PS3 needs to update right as I’m about to start a game, and I would like another game console to play just to make my PS3 jealous.
  3. A real dragon fruit/ acai berry/ non-dried prune

    What the fuck is this?

    Any one of these will do. I just want one because I am pretty sure they don’t exist. I assume that candy and yogurt companies came up with dragon fruit and acai berries respectively because they had this weird fruit flavor that didn’t match any fruit currently in existence. As for prunes, I’ve never seen a fresh, non-dehydrated prune, have you? I’ve come to assume that either prunes are another genetic abomination brought to you by juice and produce companies, or that they grow all wrinkly and oily like that in the wild. So yes, I would like any of these “fruits” just to be proven wrong and have definitive proof that maybe food companies aren’t lying to me all the time (I still haven’t forgiven Charms or Jolly Ranchers for letting me believe that blue raspberry is a real fruit). And I swear to God, if any of you bring me plums and try to tell me that they are the non-dried version of prunes, I’m going to shove the plums so far up your ass, you’re gonna have a tree growing out of your ass. And it will need regular pruning and special seats with holes in the bottom and will in general be a huge pain in the ass (no pun intended).

  4. The head of Santa Clause
    I simply don’t like the man. He spends most of the year watching our children all the time while also forcing elves to build bootleg name brand products. God knows what that is doing to the environment up there. So yes, I would like the head of the greatest night prowler in history, and I would like it given to me on a silver platter (the silver keeps him from regenerating the rest of his body.
  5. For everyone to start using the word, “holla!” as a reaction to a pleasant surprise
    Just say it that way. It’s awesome. Now, keep using it that way and don’t stop using it that way. Sorry Black people everywhere. The white man just stole another one of your words.
  6. A Real Doll

    I was gonna put a picture of a real doll here, but they were all too creepy, so here's a picture of a puppy instead.

    I assume you have a few questions for me about this one. For instance, if you don’t know what a real doll is, it is a realistic sex doll. And before you even think it; no, I do not want to have sex with it. I want to use it as a prop for practical jokes or as a Halloween decoration. Just think of how awesome it would be if you walked into my house on Halloween (or  any other Monday), and the first thing you see is a large chested, long haired brunette  hanging off the balcony banister with an extension cord wrapped tightly around her neck. This would also be great on April Fool’s Day when I “accidentally” let my neighbors see me drag a rolled up carpet with a bloody leg sticking out of it out of my garage and stuff it into the trunk of my car. That would be so funny until the police are notified. Then it would be hilarious. Oh, and yes, I probably would end up fucking it.

  7. Proof the existence of God

    I think this one is pretty self-explanatory. Though, I would like to point out that if I do get this, there is no way I wouldn’t rub it in Richard Dawkin’s smug face.
  8. A male sex slave

    This model would be great to play soccer with.

    I think this one, however, deserves an explanation. Now, I would like to say that I’m only going to use said slave to help me clean the house or lift heavy things, but then what is the point of getting a slave specifically designed for boning?  No. I want a sex slave specifically for sex. But not that romantic, heat of the moment, sexy, sex, I want power sex. That is why I want a man. If I wanted to make someone else feel good, then I would go for a woman. Oh no, I want to dominate another person, and why would I want to dominate a woman when I’m already making 30 cents more an hour than her. So, not only do I want a male sex slave, I want a male sex slave that fits the following criteria. he must be:
    1. Tall (at least six feet)
    2.A W.A.S.P (White Anglo Saxon Protestant)
    3. Muscular
    4. Arian (Blond hair, blue eyes)
    5. Heterosexual
    All of these conditions are symbols of power to make for the most ironic and spiting power sex possible. That means I need all of those criteria met, because if I don’t get all of those things in the form of a sex slave, then I’m just having sex with some random guy, and that would be gay.

  9. An open minded girlfriend who won’t rat me out to the cops

    Guys, this is my way of making it up to you for the dude up there.

    If you read my blog enough you know that roughly 70-80% of what I do constitutes a major felony or “highly immoral,” so I really need a girlfriend that will either join me in my debotchery or at least act as my permanent alibi. Hell, Maybe she’ll even be in on some humiliating power sex with my sex slave.

  10. The missing half of the Amulet of Isis

    This is what I have so far. I demand the rest of it.

    Don’t ask any fucking questions about it, just find it for me.

    Peace be with you, unless you don’t get me something for Christmas, then to Hell with you.


1 Comment

  1. […] the pendant of Isis! Becky- Wait, wasn’t that something you put on your Christmas list last year, along with world peace, a girlfriend, and a male sex slave? Jimmy- Oh, that reminds me. Minigan, I’ve been trying to find you a male sex slave, but none of […]

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