Personality Flaws That The iPhone 4s Made Me Realize I Have

If you read Cracked.com as much as I do, you know that a part of my last blog post was a blatant rip off of one of Robert Brockway’s posts. Well, this post is going to rip off another one of his types of post. Let’s just get to that.

I just got the iPhone 4s this past Friday. Needless to say, it’s awesome. I spent a lot of my time fighting with it to set my friends’ ringtones, as well as asking Siri a bunch of questions and making her send text messages to random people. But the more I played with my new toy, the more I noticed the things I was doing with this new technology were morally ambiguous or at the least bizarre.

 

I hate things that are mainstream (until I get those things)

I need to explain this one with a story about Rome.  While I was there back in July, Jon, Paul, Brennen, CJ, Katie and I were eating lunch at a restaurant (this was the same lunch that CJ got the penis pasta) and we decided that we would give each other our phone numbers so that we could stay in touch after the trip was over. So we passed each other our phones and I realized that other than Katie and myself, everyone had an iPhone. I then thought, “man, these guys are such sheep. They have to get the iPhone just because it’s an Apple product. They probably didn’t even bother looking at anything that didn’t have a picture of a piece of fruit on the back.” So when I found out I was getting the iPhone, a part of me was a little confused about how excited I was for getting it, and why I didn’t want to look at anything else.  I basically decided that I was getting an iPhone and nothing else would do, and that I and the Jersey Boys aren’t sheep because we are all clearly smart enough to recognize a quality product when we see one. Of course, by thinking this, not only am I a hypocrite, I am also a sheep that is in self-denial, because of my refusal to look at any other kind of phone. No, I was getting the iPhone, and there wasn’t a goddamn thing anybody could do to stop me.

If something has a sense of humor, I easily fall in love with it.

I’ll admit that I noticed this long before I had the 4s, but it seems to be worse than what I originally imagined.  With Siri, I find my conversations with her usually start off innocently enough, but then turn funny, and then take a turn for the worse when I ask, “Siri, do you love me?”

I’m not hearing a no.

That is usually followed by an awkward silence and then some kind of joke like answer that makes me feel both alone and unloved by the world. But the more I have it joke with me, the more I trust it and love it. After I realize that I do this with Siri, I began to realize that I do that with anything that makes me laugh. My two favorite websites are Cracked.com and Tshirthell.com. All of my favorite TV shows are comedies (and they’re all either original programming for, or in syndication on Comedy Central). And I own more comedy movies than I do with any other genre. I understand why this is, of course. It’s because comedies make me laugh, and laughter is associated with happiness, and happiness feels good, so I am bound gravitate towards things that make me laugh and, therefore, feel good. That might be alright in itself, but I take it a step further and dissect comedy to see how it works. I spend more time dwelling on things that make me laugh than I do with anything else. That isn’t healthy. I believe that there should be a balance between everything in one’s life, but clearly my life is weighted down with things that make me laugh more than things that make me sad or angry or those other emotions we’re supposed to have. So I love Siri, despite the fact that she’s just a program and a voice and can never love me back. Hell, she doesn’t even have anything close to AI. Why should I expect her to love me? But I do, which leads me to…

I fully expect any gadget that I can talk to carry on conversations with me.

I think this one is what bothers me most, not because I expect this, but because it doesn’t happen. That pisses me off. See, being as what you Hu-mons call “Hu-mon,” I have been raised on having full conversations with other Hu-mons. So now, I have this peculiar rectangle that talks to me and answers when I ask questions/ tell it to text people/ make it play music/ hit on it. The problem is that now that it has given me a small taste of a conversation with a robot, I fully expect that every conversation I start to end in both of us laughing hearty laughs, or me getting whatever information I need. Sadly, that does not happen. If I say, “Hablas Espanol?” Siri answers with, “I’m sorry, but I don’t understand, ‘I’ll bless a spaniel.” Sure I laughed at that, but it wasn’t a “shared experience” laugh, it was more of a “stupid technology” laugh. But I keep trying. And I won’t stop trying until it finally works the way I want it to (never).

If given the option, I will refuse to use my fingers to do anything

This was the final thing I noticed about my personality via my iPhone.  It started off slowly; I woudn’t use my fingers out of sheer novelty of Siri, but now if the text I need to send is more than 10 characters long, you can bet your tech-loving asses that I’m going to dictate my text message to Siri. Hey, I’m a busy guy. I’ve got apps to download and games to play and friends to not text. Do you think I’m going to spent  the majority of that time pushing buttons that aren’t really there? Hell no. The only button I need to press to listen to the song I want or to text Paul or Jimmy is the circle button at the bottom. And you know what? I just fucking found out that I don’t even to press that button. All I need to do is raise the phone up to my ear and the Siri tone beeps in my ear. If I download a wordpress app for my iPhone, I may never need to use my fingers for any kind of technology ever again. And isn’t that everyone’s dream?

This is soo my future. Well, this but whiter.

Peace

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1 Comment

  1. […] something for that. [Reaches into his pocket and pulls out his iPhone.] Minigan- [into his phone] Siri, tell these people where they can stick their intervention. Phone- I shouldn’t, Minigan, it’s impolite. Minigan- Damn it, Siri, tell them or […]


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