A very mean spirited Christmas

Happy New Year, everybody!

I hate to start my first post of the New Year on a negative note, but do you know the one thing I hate about this time year?

Is it the cold and overall shitty weather?

OK, do you know the 2 things I hate about this time of year? Shitty weather and the lack of Christmas Spirit. Everywhere I look I see people tearing down Christmas lights and throwing pine trees, mounds of fruitcake and other unwanted gifts into the trash. Plus, I keep getting disgusted looks thrown at me whenever I try to sing Christmas carols at people. Yes, I do end up throwing my colorful array of curse words into the lyrics, but that only enhances the songs.

Anyway, to quell this humbuggery, I’m going to write a post about my Christmas, and what is likely to become a yearly yuletide battle between my brother and myself.

Every year, my brother decides to fuck me by making my gift either really difficult to open or, like last year, giving me a list of clues that lead me around the house and onto the roof before I ultimately find my gift. Despite being one of the cleverest and therefore best, Christmas gift ideas ever. Therefore, I had to at least try to one up him this year. This post is going to detail how I did just that.

I used an entire roll of wrapping paper on his gift. It was 40 square feet, which means I wrapped his gift 40 times. Throughout the layers, I posted notes insulting him along the way. All in all, it took me several hours over 6 days to complete it.

Here were my supplies:

Pictured: wrapping paper, tape, paper cutter, scissors, sharpie, DVD of "It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia," notes of insults, jamz, and hate.

Here is the finished project:

in all it's glory

And here are the notes:

Level 2-

Merry Christmas, Douchebag!

As I assume you noticed, your gift is still wrapped, even though you just pulled off the wrapping paper. There is an explanation for this. You suck as a person. Also, I wrapped your gift several times. I also hoped you noticed that I taped up the corners nice and tight for you so that it’s even harder for you to unwrap. And before you get any dumb ideas, don’t even bother trying to cut your way through the paper because 1. I’ll take the gift back 2. You may damage the gift and 3. I’ve hidden everything that I could think of that you could use to cut through the paper. Yes, you’re in this for the long haul. I guess you shouldn’t have made me climb up onto the roof for my gift last year, Huh?

Enjoy, ass skank!

Level 8-

I’m assuming you’ve been bitching this entire time so far. If you haven’t then this must be a personal record, you whiney prick.

Level 11-

Congratulations! You’ve reached the end. See, that wasn’t so bad after all. Here’s your gift. You’ve earned it…

Level 12-

Just kidding! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

Level 13-

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! What a dumbass! HA HA HA HA HA!

Level 14-

But seriously, I used an entire roll of wrapping paper on your gift, so you still got a ways to go.

Level 20-

Well a gift card to Cabela’s was supposed to go here, but I couldn’t find one in a grocery store, and the one I ordered online took too long to arrive for me to have it wrapped this deep. I might have it on me though. Ask me for it.

Level 21-

There, now you have part 1 of my gift to you, or, at the very least, an explanation as to why you don’t have part 1 of your gift. So, stop your goddamn complaining. And while we’re at it, by accepting the gift certificate to Cabela’s(or the promise of a Cabela’s gift card in your future), you promise to not shoot me with the gun you ultimately buy with it.

Level 26-

I was going to write these notes in quatrains like you did for the scavenger hunt last year, but I decided I didn’t want to waste any of my creativity on you.

Level 27-

Alright, I’ll do just one:

My name is Justin and I’m a smelly taint
I’m as loved as asbestos walls and lead paint
About me no one gives a fuck
But that’s because I really suck

You’re welcome.

Level 31-

I’m gonna go ahead and guess that you’ve said, “I hate you so bad,” at least 10 times to me so far. Well, I hate you too, you slimy twat. That’s the whole reason why I did this.

Level 37-

Sure, wrapping your gift this many times took up a lot of time that I would rather have used for sex, writing, or hunting man for sport, but wasting your time like this makes all of my time used well worth it.

Level 40-

OK, you’ve really reached the end this time. Was all of this necessary? No. Was your gift worth this much trouble? Probably not. But at least I wasted everyone’s time. Merry Christmas, cock fondler.

On the DVD-

P.S. I rubbed my balls on your gift.

And here is a video of my brother reading the first note. I would have recorded him reading them all, but I was way too busy laughing manically and unwrapping my own presents.

And here is a disorienting video of my brother and I wearing animatronic Christmas hats that our aunt got us:

What’s fun about these hats is that they’re incredibly annoying (my hat has the voice of an elf that has taken some meth. But not only that, if you stop it at the right moment, lit looks like my head has a huge boner.

This picture was taken close to the climax of the audio clip, if you know what I mean.

OK, well, that’s all I got for now. I will have something new year related next week, because I’ve decided that this year I’m going to do everything a week behind everyone else. Ha ha ha! I”m gonna have that market cornered!




  1. I will have you know my husband and I laughed at your awesome gift messages and loved the message you left on his present 🙂 Missyou!

  2. That was HILARIOUS!

  3. […] deserved, you friend stealing twat. Zac- I didn’t steal your friend! He kidnapped me! Justin- That asshole wrapped up my Christmas Gift 40 damn times last Christmas! [Everyone stopped arguing and stared at Justin.] Minigan- [after staring at Justin for a few […]

Comments RSS TrackBack Identifier URI

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

  • I am this popular!

    • 97,154 hits
  • Blast from the Past!

    January 2012
    S M T W T F S
    « Dec   Feb »
  • The Vault