An Open Letter to The Friendly Neighbor Who Cleared off Everyone’s Driveway

Why are you enjoying this so much?

Who the hell do you think you are? What, since you have a snow blower you have to be a nice guy and use it one everyone’s drive way? I call bullshit. I know you have some kind of ulterior motive. That’s right. I’m on to you. Every time you walk past my house and notice me glaring out at you from my living room window, I’m one step closer to figuring out what you are planning. This is bad for you for multiple reasons: 1. because I write the most popular blog amongst our neighbors (or I should) and by me posting this on here, they are now wise of your devious plans, 2. I am armed with an odd array of blades, and 3. I am incredibly paranoid, so me suspecting you of anything could result in me attacking you for the truth. Also, I am not above waterboarding or other forms of torture to get the information I need.

And because I’m so sure that all of our neighbors read this blog, I am going to publicly announce my theories on what the fuck you’re up to.

1. Cat burglar

Please tell me this is not your costume.

My first theory is that you are a vagabond cat burglar that moves into a house, befriends the neighborhood with random acts of snow blowing kindness. Once you’ve schmoozed up to the neighbors enough with your friendly smiles and your snow blower use without any visible catch, you wait until they leave and then you rob the shit out of them.  And you use the snow blower both as a way to earn their trust and to keep a close eye on the neighbors so that you can figure out their schedules. Once you’ve observed us for long enough, you take the spare key that you have discovered, march right into the house, and leave with whatever you can carry. You’re one sly son of a bitch.

 

2. Some kind of Snow themed superhero

http://angel-t.deviantart.com/art/Iceman-92882822

Ice-man is a bit of an exaggeration, but what other snow themed superheroes are there?

Or is that what you want us to think? You want us to believe that you’re a cat burglar so that we don’t trust you and then you can rid our neighborhood of snow without being bothered. If this is true, I want to know what your end game is. Are you like Superman, in that your only motivation is that you’re life’s mission is to clear neighbors’ driveways of snow, or were your parents killed in a horrific snow shoveling accident which scarred you for life, like Batman? But either way, I know what the inevitable end is. You are going to, get tired of being the hero, lose your shit, and eventually turn on us. That is where I come in. See, while you have limited yourself to a snow blower-  tool you can only push around, I still have the freedom to use shovels, which are lighter and faster weapons. That is if I even choose the shovel. See, since I have not chosen one object to base my powers around, like you foolishly have, I have the freedom to choose anything from a blowtorch, to an axe, to a good, old fashioned gun.

3. A snow elf

This picture alone makes me hope that this theory is true.

I’ve heard that snow elves lurk around these parts (America). I’ve also heard that they’re mischievous little devils who like to freeze pipes and make the sidewalk icy. You bastards also get my mail wet. That pisses me off. I don’t know why you try to balance out one good deed with several dick moves, but I don’t think it’s necessary.  And why do you use a snow blower if you’re an elf? Can’t you just magic the snow away? I get that you guys don’t technically exist and therefore cannot get jobs, but I don’t think you guys are being all that efficient with your time. I don’t think that is asking too much, even though we still won’t pay you, what with us still needing proof of your existence and all.

 

4. A mafia member who threatens violence for those who do not want his services

You gonna let us shovel your driveway, capiche?

This one is pretty self-explanatory. You move into a neighborhood, make friends with all the neighbors, shovel their drive ways to get real close with them, and then you demand payment. When we refuse, you break our legs and tell us that your service is not optional. Of course you don’t need to break every neighbor’s legs, all you need to do is publically break the legs of one person. The rest of us will understand that that will happen to us if we don’t pay, and we’ll quickly cough up the money. If this is the case, may I suggest the person’s legs that you should break? Well, you can say no, but I’m going to write it anyway, so you might as well accept it. On the even numbered side of the street, there is a house with a large side yard and a swing set that is home to 3-4 young people. Break one of the men’s legs, preferably the one who smokes a lot. I’m not being inconvenienced by the smoking at all, but hey, if he wants to do that to his body, he’s going to suffer the consequences. Also, he’s young enough that his bones should heal up nice after a month or so. But the best reason for breaking that guy’s legs is because he is very much not me. I don’t know what he does for work, but I assume he sits behind a desk all day. I, however, use my legs all the time at work (I type with my feet). I also use my arms to slap around the new workers, so breaking my arms is out of the question as well. No, that guy is the best option for breaking someone’s legs as a lesson for the rest of us.

5. A sexual predator

No, that's not the 'sexual Predator' I was talking about.

Now this option is a lot like the cat burglar one, except you rape people instead of steal things. Another subtle difference is that you watch us to know when we are home alone so that you can sneak in- in more ways than one. I don’t know if you plan on raping every single one of the residents on this street, but I suspect that even if you try, the police are going to get pretty suspicious that several people on the same street were raped after you started shoveling their driveways on a regular basis. This means that you have to keep a low profile most of the year, maybe move from town to town, looking for other streets to victimize. Or if you’re planning on staying, you will at least need to spread out the assaults over the year so that you don’t look too suspicious. And then there will come the time that you foolishly decide to rape me. I work nights, so I usually sleep in the morning to early afternoon. You know that this is a perfect time to strike because most people are at their jobs by this point of the day. However, what you don’t know about me is that I sleep with a Coldsteel Bowie spike under my pillow. The second I feel your hand caress my firm ass, that knife is going straight into your thigh. You’ll be in a lot of pain, but you’re gonna want to hold me down because I’m going to be doing a lot more fighting than what you’re used to. If you put your hand too close to my mouth, I will bite off one of your fingers and swallow it. Ensuring that the police match you up as being my attacker. Now, you’re going to want to get that out of me. You could force feed me syrup of ipecac and make me vomit it up (you are a rapist, so I’d assume you’d have something like that on your rape utility belt). If you don’t have syrup of ipecac with you, you’re going to want to get your finger out of my stomach. In order to do that, you’re going to pull that knife lodged in your thigh out, raise it high above me and-  Wait, why am I helping you? You’re trying to rape me in this particular theory that I have made about you. If you find yourself in that situation, dude, you’re on your own.

 

But whatever the circumstance may be, I just want to let you know that I am on to you, you sneaky bastard. You can befriend me with all the snow blowing you want, but at the end of the day you’re just a humanoid, and all humanoids, be it elves, or mutants, or regular humans have ulterior motives. And as soon as I figure out what yours is, I’m going to exploit the hell out of you with it. And if you think I’m joking, you’re…. Wait, what’s that noise? [goes to window] Well, I’ll be. You’re clearing off my driveway!

OK, so I have another theory. You are the greatest fucking person alive!

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1 Comment

  1. Doug, it’s April. I don’t have any other readers yet, and actually I’m going to be quite choosy when picking who can view my stuff. But feel free to follow me on this blog.


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