Why I Didn’t Post Anything to My Blog Last Week

I like to think that you (my readers and loyal followers) and I (Your Lord of the written word and Doctor of Awesome) have a pretty good relationship: I write things, post them with jokes that I think are funny, and you read them and share in my own stupidity. Normally, I wouldn’t feel the need to explain why I didn’t post last week, because no one ever comes after me about it. When I’m ready to entertain you, I will entertain you, and you get free entertainment. That is how this works. However, this time I feel that I do owe you an explanation. Usually, my excuses for not writing are good ones. I was in a different country, or I’ve been sick, or I just plain didn’t feel like making word sex for the world to see. But this time, even though I have several excuses as to why I didn’t write a blog, I still decided to explain why, because they’re such good goddamn excuses.

Okay, so my first excuse isn’t so much an excuse as it is a shameless plug for two of my friends. About two weeks ago, my friend and the owner of my gym, Cory Gregory, had his book published. The title is Habits of Success and Concentration.  Buy it

If his abs don’t get you to buy this book, nothing I write will ever convince you.

I don’t have the book yet, but I can tell you that it is a book about how to succeed in business and in life. Mixed in will be stories from Cory’s life including starting his gym and the supplement company MusclePharm, which he is the President of, and also that time he saved an entire Romanian Village from a monster known as the Shadow Beast using only his bare hands. You can buy it here:

http://corygregory.bigcartel.com/product/habits-of-success-concentration-by-cory-gregory

Then, last week, I found out that another friend, Jarod Anderson, got his book published. This:

It’s about a young man who wants to end the world, but once he gains the power to enact his plans, he realizes that he doesn’t want to end the world and decides to fight a witch that does. It’s a quick and easy read that is really difficult to put down. And I’m not just saying that because he used my name for one of the characters in the book. I got the book Monday, and I finished it today. I would have bought it sooner if it wasn’t for the fact that I had to write this blog. You should absolutely buy the book here:

http://www.amazon.com/Casting-Shadows-J-Kelley-Anderson/dp/1937593843/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1328665092&sr=8-1

I would like to say that that I am insanely jealous of both of these men, because I am. I feel like I should be a published author by now. I’m 23 Goddamn it! When is it my turn. I want to believe those things, but the truth is that out of everyone I know, including myself, Jared and Cory are the two most deserving to be published authors. They’ve payed their dues, and worked their asses off for this. I certainly have not. Hell, I’m only a year out of college. I’m no where near deserving a book deal. So, despite how jealous I may be of them, I recognize that their books are accomplishments that they both deserve, and I couldn’t be happier for them. You should absolutely buy both of those books. Just sayin’.

OK, I’m done sucking up to people who could land me a book deal in the future.

The second excuse I have for why I didn’t post anything last week is because of this picture.

If you don't find this picture to be impressive and amazing, then I quit Photoshop forever.

This picture took me four hours to make. And by four hours, I mean four hours to take all of those pictures. On the third attempt to take those pictures. The first two times, I accidentally moved the tripod and the lighting was all over the goddamn place. And those four hours aren’t even including the hours it took to Photoshop all those pictures together. Luckily, I thought it through enough in advance that I was able to create different variations, like this one where I’m not  wearing pants:

Or this one where all nine of me are cheering at something off screen:

Judging by my Steelers and OSU shirts, I’m going to go ahead and assume boobs

And those are the ones I have done so far. There will probably be 2-3 more.

The third reason is because I have been writing, just not a blog. I’ve been writing a short story about what happens to people’s souls after they commit suicide. Why, yes, I’ll give you an excerpt! But be warned, I have not had anyone look at this yet, so it is likely to be rough and possibly a little confusing. Enjoy:

********

I don’t know when I committed suicide, or what kind of person I was like I was alive, but I can tell you right now that I killed myself. It’s funny how the livin’ believe that the dead don’t know they’re dead, like we’re oblivious to the world around us after we’ve moved on. Let me ask you one thing: Does a babe not know when she’s been born? No. Bein’ born and dyin’ are the two things that every livin’ person has in common, and dyin’ is the biggest transition you’ll ever make. You can’t just ignore somethin that big.

So yes, I did die. Knowin’ that I died took all but a minute to figure out. I remember waking up under water and not needing to hold my breath, or take a breath. I knew somethin’ wasn’t right. I couldn’t remember gettin’ into that river, or anything before that, and I knew I didn’t bump my head on nothin’ (I didn’t have a goose egg at all) so I knew it wasn’t that amesia. Then, I realized that I was still under water. I still didn’t need a breath neither, and I had been tryin’ to remember what had happened for at least a minute. I never could hold my breath that long. That’s when it hit me: I drowned.

Now, like I said, figurin’ out that you’re dead is the easy part. The hard part is figurin’ out the rest. Someone had to tell me. His name was Mike. He was a funny little man with a set of teeth too big for his mouth and an oversized forehead due to his recedin’ hairline. I met him about a week after I woke up in the river while I was wanderin’ ‘round some town I found. I was sittin’ in the park, watchin’ the people pass me as if the bench I was sittin’ on was empty, when I saw him from across the pond. For a second, when I saw him out of the corner of my eye, I could’ve swore part of his face was missin’. Somethin’ about me musta caught his attention, ‘cause he did a double take on me too.

He hurried ‘round the pond, keepin’ his eyes on me the whole time, and asked, “So, how did you do it?”

“What?” I asked back, startled. This was the first time anybody had acknowledged my presence since I died.

“How did you kill yourself? Was it drowning? Your skin looks a little green and wrinkly.”

Well, after he said that, my hands went right up to my face and felt for that water-logged, spongy feel. Nothin’; it felt like a normal face. I musta had a weird look on my face ’cause his expression changed real fast.

“You didn’t know, did ya? I bet you haven’t looked at yourself in a mirror.”

“I knew I drowned,” I replied, with my hands still on my face and feeling insulted by his comments on my apperance, “But what do ya mean that I killed myself? I don’t think I would’ve done that.”

He smiled a sympathetic smile that worked hard on covering his teeth and said, “I know you killed yourself because we wouldn’t be talkin’ right now if you just drowned on accident. I wouldn’t of even noticed you if you didn’t kill yourself like the rest of us. We can always find each other. We have ways of knowing who’s dead and who’s alive.”

“But I still don’t think I killed myself,” I repeated.

“Do you remember anything about your life other than what you look like?”

I couldn’t answer, but he knew.

“Then you don’t know if you would have killed yourself or not.” His smile faded a little, and for one tense minute, we just stared at each other. Just tryin’ to figure one another out. After that minute, he said, “Come with me. I can prove it to you.”

He turned and headed to the pond. I got up, looked around to see if anybody was lookin’ our way (nope) and followed him down to the water. When I reached him, he was lookin’ down into the water. I stood next to him and looked at the side of his head. “Look at your reflection,” said without looking at me. I looked down at what was supposed to be our reflections. I shrieked and jump backward…

*******

Take this story and continue to write it, and I will hunt you down.

*******

OK, I’m done forcing you guys to look at how awesome my friends and I are. Go buy those books.

Peace.

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