That Time I Spent the Day With a Jonas Brother

[Interior, dressing room. Nick Jonas, a member of the uncreatively named boy band, The Jonas brothers, sits in front of his oversized mirror, strumming his acoustic guitar and mumbling lyrics to himself.]

Jonas brother- Everyone’s allergic to poison ivy/ Everyone’s allergic to poison ivy…

[There was a light knock on the door.]

Jonas brother- Come in.

[A large, surley looking man wearing an ear piece and a Kay Jewelers worth of gold chains stepped in]

Big dude- Nick, the winner of Chewy Granola Bars’ Superstar search is here. He says his name is Minigan Blackwood. Would you like me to let him in?

Jonas Brother- I thought the winner was a girl. [shrugs] I must’ve misheard. Sure, let him in.

[The big dude turned out of the doorway, and a second later returned with a muscular and long haired guy, not too much older than Nick, who sauntered into the room. He wore a black T-shirt featuring a picture of Jesus on the cross and the words, “Men who wear sandals get what they deserve.” The big dude left the room, closing the door behind him.]

Jonas Brother- Hello, Minigan. Congratulations on winning the-

Minigan- Wow, Jonah Hill, you lost a lot of weight!

Jonas Brother- Um, I’m not Jonah Hill. I don’t even look like Jonah Hill. I’m Nick Jonas.

Minigan- Oh, sorry about that Norah Jones. I didn’t mean to insult you or your vagina.

She looks like she isn't above stabbing a man and looking cute while she does it.

Jonas Brother- [pauses] No. I’m Nick Jonas… From the Jonas Brothers. C’mon, you won the contest to meet me.

Minigan- Oh yeah. [looks around the room] Shit, is all this stuff yours? [he walked over to one of the Camp Rock posters on the wall.] Damn, who’s that fine bitch?

Jonas Brother- Oh, ha ha, that’s Selena Gomez. Yeah, she’s pretty cute.

Minigan- You hit that?

Jonas Brother- Me? Uh, no. [He raised his hand and pointed to the ring on his finger] I am keeping my promise to God that I won’t have sex before marriage.

Minigan- A purity ring, huh? That’s gotta be a great way to avoid vagina.

Jonas Brother- Yes, it is- Oh. I see what you did there.

[Minigan wasn’t paying attention. He had pulled out a box cutter and begun to cut away at one of the posters. With long and crazy swipes, he somehow managed to cut a perfect square around Selena Gomez’s face. He folded up the picture and put it in his front pocket.]

Boom. One down.

Minigan- I’m gonna need that for later.

Jonas brother- You ruined my poster!

Minigan- huh? Oh yeah. Sorry about that. But, you know, shit happens.

Jonas Brother- What do you mean, “That word happens?” You did that!

[Minigan looked back at the shredded remains of the poster. He had slashed at it in such a way that, with the red wall the poster was attached to, it looked like each of the Jonas Brothers had a deep gash in their necks.]

Three more down.

Minigan- You’re a Jonas Brother, you say?

Jonas Brother- [irritably] Yes. How do you not know that? You signed up for a contest with my name on it.

Minigan- Eh, I sign up for a lot of contests. Actually, all contests. Any time I see one, I sign up for it.  Half the time, I’m tripping on something fierce when I sign up, and the only way I know I entered is when I win something. Which reminds me, what are we going to do today? We’re in L.A. so I have to assume it involves lots of drugs and prostitutes.

Jonas Brother- [raises his hand with the purity ring] Um, hello? Purity ring? Remember?

Minigan- Oh, that’s right. You prefer male escorts. Boom! Second gay joke I made in 5 minutes! I’m on a roll today!

Jonas Brother- OK, I’ve had it with you. Turk! Can you please come in here and escort Minigan out!

Minigan- Who’s Turk? That big guy? He can’t hear you right now. You see, right before he let me in, I injected him with some rhino sedatives. That shit’s powerful. I mean, I’d be surprised if he wasn’t in a coma right now.

Jonas Brother- I’m calling the cops.

[Nick pulls out his phone and begins to dial 911, when Minigan swipes it out of his hand and hurls it at the far wall. It shatters into several large, yet still very broken pieces.]

Minigan- I’m not going to let you do that. Not when I have this much drugs on me.

Jonas Brother- [now terrified] You brought drugs here?! Why?!

Minigan- Well, I was told you’re a big music star. I assumed you partied.

[Minigan pulled out two baggies from the same pocket he stuffed the Selena Gomez picture in. The first one was filled about half full with a powder that has hot pink. The other had barely anything in it, but what was in it was dark grey and flaky.]

Jonas Brother- Are those even drugs? One looks like candy powder and the other looks like ash.

Minigan- Oh ho ho these are drugs! I have no clue what the pink powder is called, but I like to call it, “Olivia Wilde,” because the last time I was on it I made out with Olivia Wilde. My friends tried to tell me that it wasn’t Olivia, but actually my other friend, Brennen, but I am pretty sure they were just mad at me because I took all the drugs.

Why haven't you called?

This dark grey dust is pure Charlie Sheen. That man, let me tell you, is crazy. If you think I’m deranged, you should meet Sheen. He makes me look like the President. When I went to get this, I thought I was going to have to sneak into his mansion and cut off one of his fingers with my pruning shearers, but he let me in, took me into the kitchen and let me choose which finger I wanted. Then the bastard cut it off! Himself! He even offered me the entire hand at a really good price, but I was pretty sure that amount of drugs could bring about the end of days. Also, he apparently regenerates lost limbs. I’m tellin’ you; the man is nuts. And, by the way, he takes forever to burn down into a powder. [He shook the bag] this was the best I could do.

Jonas Brother- Really, Charlie Sheen? C’mon that joke is so last year.

Bam! I'm on a roll today!

Minigan- [He glared at Nick Jonas] Well, I’m talking to a Jonas Brother right now, so I’m clearly not going to focus on anything that’s relevant.

Jonas Brother- That hurt.

[Minigan buried his face in the bag filled with the Olivia Wilde powder. From the looks of it, Minigan was not snorting, but eating the powder. When he pulled his face away, bag was licked clean, and eyes were dilated spinning in opposite directions. Without skipping a beat, Minigan tore open the bag of Charlie Sheen, wrapped the bag around his nose and mouth, and inhaled it all. Within a second or two his eyes stopped rolling and looked right at Nick.]

Jonas Brother- I think we should talk about Jesus.

Minigan- And I think we should talk about how you religious types try to force all your beliefs down everyone’s throat. Jesus honey glazed Christ, doesn’t it say in the bible “Judge not, lest ye be judged?” And Besides, it’s not like Jesus didn’t die for my sins. As a Christian, I’m in the clear with the man upstairs. Now, give me your keys. I feel like a drive.

Jonas Brother- You just did more drugs than I think is humanly possible. I am not giving you the keys to my car.

Minigan- We’ll just see about that.

***

[Exterior, parking lot. Minigan and Nick Jonas just got into Nick’s brand new SUV. Minigan was in the driver’s seat, revving the engine, and Nick was sitting in the passanger’s seat, tightening his seatbelt and saying a silent prayer]

Jonas Brother- Wait a minute, how’d we get down here? And how’d you get my keys?!

Minigan- Duh, I’m writing this. [Minigan then put the SUV into drive, and pressed the gas pedal to the floor. The SUV sped foreword and over some bushes before swerving onto the street.] And since I’m writing this, all I have to do is add a cut scene if I want you to do something.

Jonas Brother- Oh jeez. Like what?

Minigan- Well, anything really. I can make you highway surf while I take a nap while driving the car, I could make you talk some shit on some Hell’s Angels, or I could make you suck my dick.

[Nick’s face had a look of pure horror on it.]

Minigan- I’m kidding! Well, not really. I could make you suck my dick, but I really don’t want you too. Tough break for you, I’m afraid.

Jonas Brother- [after shaking the thought of oral sex from his head] OK, that doesn’t make any sense at all.

Minigan- It is a cheap trick I learned from watching reality TV. But here is something that is really well thought out.

[Minigan removed both hands from the steering wheel (Nick grabbed ahold of the steering wheel) Minigan pulled the Selena Gomez picture out of his pocket, cut out the eyes with his box cutter, and then taped it over his face.]

Minigan- I’m doing this so that when I run red lights, the cops won’t know it’s me. Ha ha ha- the perfect crime.

Jonas Brother- Please grab the wheel. Please.

[Minigan eventually grabbed the wheel. And Nick leaned back in his seat. He was exhausted from meeting Minigan, but he was too afraid to go to sleep. Especially since Minigan kept his promise and ran every single red light. Nick stared out the window and did his best not to look at Minigan. Minigan tried to ease the tension.]

Minigan- So, you’re a Jonas Brother you say?

Jonas Brother- [sigh] yes.

Minigan- So which one are you?

Jonas Brother- I’ve already told you, I’m Nick.

Minigan- I meant you’re not the one with straight hair, and you’re not the puffy one, so what does that make you? The whiney one? You’ve been doing a lot of bitching today. Maybe that’s what you add to the group.

[Nick didn’t reply]

Minigan- C’mon, I’m joking! I’m just trying to get you to loosen up! If you don’t you’re really going to kill my buzz when I burn down the halfway house we’re headed to.

[Nick still didn’t answer. After about a minute, though, he saw a young kid walking on the sidewalk, talking on his phone. Nick pointed to the kid.]

Jonas Brother- Hey! That’s Justin Bieber! You’d love him, Minigan! He just loves drugs, sex with prostitutes, and arson!

Minigan- Who is this Justin Beaver? Is he another one of the Jonas Brothers?

Jonas Brother-Wha- No. He’s another famous Pop star. He’s actually more famous than me and my brothers now.

Minigan- So he pushed you guys out of the spotlight?

Jonas Brother- Well, I wouldn’t put it that way. He’s just the ne—AAARRRRGGGGHHH!!

[Minigan swerved to the right, cutting off the cars behind him and got half of the SUV onto the sidewalk.]

Minigan- [screams] Open your door and hit him with it when we pass!

Jonas Brother- No! I will absolutely not do that!

Minigan- Fine then.

[Minigan steered the SUV so that all four wheels were on the side walk. Several people on the sidewalk jumped out of the way. One person, a skinny white teenage boy, didn’t jump fast enough, and got crushed by the SUV’s tires. Minigan swerved the car back onto the road and raced through his 45th red light.]

Dead? Check. Dead, caught looking like a flashy lesbian? Double check.

Minigan- Was that him? Was that the Bee-burr you were talking about? Cause if it was? I think we got him!

Jonas Brother- Oh my gosh! I want to cry so bad right now!

Minigan- Tears of joy right? I totally killed off your competition in the music industry! Young adolescent girls will be hot for you all over again!

Jonas Brother- I never said I wanted that!

Minigan- You might not have used those words, but you did suggest that I go hang out with him because, [Minigan did his best to mimic Nick’s girl voice] “You’d love him, Minigan! He just loves drugs, sex with prostitutes, and arson!” Don’t try to pretend like you’re innocent in all of this. You were selfish enough to think that it would be OK to pawn me off on someone else. Bee-bur’s  blood is on your hands, Jonas. Just be thankful that we didn’t try to run over Zac Efron. That dude got crazy ripped. He’s probably total your car. How do you think he got that ripped, anyway? Steroids? I bet he got really weird with the steroid useage.

I'm positive you dope, you sexy, sexy bastard. Also, 7 down.

[Nick didn’t answer but wept silently for a minute or two, and Minigan held up a tape recorder in order to, “record the sounds of someone’s sanity falling apart.” Then, sirens and red and blue flashing lights came from behind them.]

Minigan- Good, the cops. Now the real fun begins!

Jonas Brother- [To God] Please Lord, rescue me from the situation.

Minigan- [Mimicking a ghost’s voice] IIIIIIIIIII heeeeeeeellllllllllp thoooooooooose whooooooooooo heeeeeeeeellllllllp theeeeeeeeeeeem seeeeeeeeeellllllllllllllllllllllves!

Jonas Brother- Can’t you just pull over. Or at the very least slow down enough so that I can jump out?

Minigan- No can do, Jonas brother. They could possibly run you over, or worse, have you testify against me! I cannot have that. But I’ll meet you half way. Call up Miley Cyrus, and tell her the situation, then give the phone to me, and I’ll confirm it.

Jonas Brother- How the hell do you expect me to do that? You ruined my phone, you prick!

***

[Chino Valley Freeway, late afternoon.  Minigan and Nick Jonas sped down the freeway with a long line of cop cars, about twenty or so, on their tail. Minigan was giggling about the word, “Chino,” and Nick was calling Miley Cyrus on his phone.”

Jonas Brother- [To Minigan] how do you keep doing that? [to Miley Cirus] Hey Miley, How’s it going? A friend of mine wants to talk to you.

Miley Cyrus- Nick? Are you OK? Taylor Swift and I have been watching the news. You’re all over it. They say that you and Selena Gomez hit Justin Bieber with your car and have been leading the cops on a several hour long chase. We’re so shocked you would do something like this, Taylor especially. Well, she’s always shocked about something.

It kind of looks like she's eating that check mark. At the very least, she's deep throating it.

Jonas Brother- Miley, you need to listen to me. It’s not my fault. And Selena Gomez isn’t here with me; it’s some crazy person wearing a picture of her as a mask. You’ve got to believe me! I’m a hostage here!

Minigan- [takes the phone and speaks into it with a convincing Selena Gomez impersonation] Miley! What up, you slut! Don’t listen to Nick. He’s such a little lair. I’ll tell you the truth. We both decided that we were tired of Bieber and his stranglehold on the tween pop market, so we decided to take matters into our own hands.

Jonas Brother- [yells so that Miley can her him] Miley he’s lying. His name is Minigan Blackwood. Minigan Blackwood! I promise you I’m telling the truth!

Miley Cyrus-Selena, Nick sounds like he’s afraid. I’m going to hang up tell the cops what he said.

Minigan- Don’t you dare you bitch or I’ll make sure that there are no more parties in your U.S.A!!!

[Minigan then rolled down the window and tossed the phone out of it.]

Aaannnd I've attacked my quota of celebrities for the week in this one post!

Minigan- Oh good, we’re here!

Jonas Brother- Where?

Minigan- Here. Where I built a ramp specifically to be used for us to jump this car off of so that we could get away from the cops.

[Minigan pointed to a large concrete shape in the distance. A little further from that was an overpass.]

Jonas Brother- Oh, God. You’re not going to try to land on that, are you?

Minigan- Not at this pansy speed, I’m not.

[Minigan pressed his foot all the way down on the accelerator, and the car sped foreward, topping out at 120 mph. Nick and Minigan yelled as they hit the ramp which sent them flying through the air. The SUV turned to the left, and cleared the first side of the overpass. Then it cleared the second side of the overpass. The SUV hit the freeway with its passenger side tires, and rolled several times before it finally came to a stop. Nick Jonas stumbled out of the twisted hunk of metal that was his SUV with his hands raised. Police cars surrounded him and the car.]

Jonas Brother- [He cried to the cops] I swear I didn’t do anything! It’s that man in the driver’s seat. He held me hostage!

[A cop walks up to the driver’s side of the SUV, gun drawn. After a second or two the cop walks back to Nick]

Cop- There’s no one else in that car.

Jonas Brother- No. It can’t be!  [limps to the window to get a look for himself. The seat was empty. He turns to the cop.] I swear he was holding me hostage. His name was-

***

[Interior, Court room. Nick Jonas is sentenced to two years in prison for drug charges. Evidence proves that he did not drive the car, but there is also no evidence that Selena Gomez was driving the car either, mostly because she was out of the country when the incident took place. Eventually, no one was charged for the death of Bieber, despite Nick Jonas’s best efforts to pin it on the Ohio Native, Minigan Blackwood who was proven to be in Ohio during the incident.]

Jonas Brother- [Looks up to the ceiling as the bailiff cuffs him and screams] Damn you, Minigan Blackwood!!

***

[Exterior, prison parking lot, two years later. Nick Jonas is walking out, parolled and free. Minigan Blackwood is standing there waiting for him]

Minigan- Joan of Arc! How’ve you been, buddy? How was prison?

Jonas Brother- [Lurches at Minigan, hands outstreached and aiming for Minigan’s throat] You son of a Bitch! It’s your fault I was in there. I’ll kill you!

Minigan- [dodges Nick’s attack] Nick, How was I supposed to know you’d get pinned with drug charges?

Jonas Brother- Then why didn’t you stay and take the blame! The least you could’ve done is taken me with you so that neither of us would’ve been caught!

Minigan- I would have loved to. Just think about how the News would’ve felt about that! The cops chase you throughout most of Southern California, only to realize that you’ve been in Ohio the entire time. God, that would have hilarious.

Jonas brother- How’d you even disappear anyway? The cops said that there wasn’t even a trace of you in the car.

Minigan- Well, I was tripping so much balls on Olivia Wilde and Charlie Sheen that I actually ceaced to exist in this level of being. Hell, I’m still tripping on that shit.

Jonas Brother- How? It’s been two and a half years?

Minigan- For you. For me, it was like 20 minutes. I was able to travel to the moment you got sentenced and this moment right here. It’s actually pretty awesome.

Jonas Brother- Does that mean you can go back in time and get me not arrested.

Minigan- [Beginning to fade into nothingness] I’m sorry, I cannot help you. I must go back to the paaaaaaasssssssssstttttttttttt.

[Minigan disappeared]

Jonas Brother- Goddamn it.


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3 Comments

  1. […] a party in the U.S.A. You should act more like him- as in not be a show off douche. By the way, I’ve already made fun of you once in my blog, and I have every intention of making fun of you again. Why? Because for some dumb […]

  2. […] Well, I would have gone with my twin or that one Jonas Brother, but both of them are in jail. And then I was going to go with Russel Crowe, but fuck him, so I […]

  3. […] Mike Thompson- Oh really, did he trick the police into thinking you were him? Nick Jonas- No. He ran over Justin Beiber with my car, and then left me to take the blame. Jimmy- But Beiber’s dead, so some good came out of it. Zac- Shut up, Jimmy. Minigan Kidnapped […]


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