Minigan Blackwood: Photoshop Wizard

If you read my blog regularly, then you should know by know that I like photoshop. Actually, no. That’s an understatement. What I really mean is that if Photoshop was a woman, I would make passionate love to her all night and then call her the next day.

What I particularly enjoy about Photoshop is that it gives anyone with the know how and the patience the ability to manipulate reality.

Let me explain this through Photoshopped pictures.

Let’s start off with a simple photo modification to prove this point. Look at this picture of the Cocoa Puffs bird.

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Now, if you have watched a television within the past couple of decades, you know that this bird is “kookoo for Cocoa Puffs,” and if by “kookoo” he means, “has a debilitating chemical dependence for.” seriously, he’s bursting through a goddamn wall in this picture. He’s not just dependent, he’s at the point of dependency that he is certifiably insane. Unfortunately, this picture doesn’t show how batshit insane this poor bird is for the chocolate cereal.  So, with the magic of Photoshop, I can fix that:

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Just be thankful that isn't a knife he's holding.

And for some extra fun, here’s the same bird on the cover of Cocoa Puffs brownie crunch box:

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If you haven't tried this cereal, it tastes just like the original, only squarer.

See that chocolate on his mouth? Watch how quickly that turns from brownie batter…

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fudge?

…to feces.  See how powerful Photoshop is? You can take a character that has a mere chemical dependency and make him look like he’s crazy enough to eat his own feces.

But Photoshop can do so much more.

For instance, take this image of Paula Deen:

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gross

I personally don’t trust Mrs. Deen for a couple of reasons: 1. I think she is using her show to see to it that Americans get so fat that we won’t be able to protect ourselves from whatever invasion is next, whether it be Communists, Iran, or another wave of British rockers. With us being so rotund from Paula Deen’s diabetes inducing meals, we would get overrun in a heartbeat. But that’s mostly because Americans’ heartbeat will drop down to once a week. #2 is because of her face in every picture. Seriously, google her. She has that dead eyed stare in just about every single picture. I’m beginning to suspect that she died a couple of years ago and they just keep taking new pictures and claiming that she’s still alive.

And because of that second theory, here is Mrs. Deen with a really dead eyed stare:

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That actually helps a little.

I would have made her look like a zombie, but someone already beat me to that:

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She somehow looks more alive in this picture.

But there’s more to Photoshop than just fucking around with people’s eyes. Like, did you know that I was (and still consider myself) the 5th Beatle? Here is me with George, Paul, John, and the drummer on the cover of Sgt. Pepper’s:

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Sure, one can argue that that is a fake, and they could be right, but then again, there I am. Standing right next to my fellow Beatles with my trombone. Who’s to say that this picture isn’t real? History? Well fuck History. You can make your own history with Photoshop. And I’m not even the first. When Osama Bin Laden was killed a Photoshopped picture of some Mexican guy who kind of looked like Bin Laden was spread across the internet as the actual death photo of Bin Laden. Then there’s the picture of the lone Chinese man taking on a line of tanks at Tiananmen square in front of a large group of people, except that big group of people wasn’t actually there at all. They were added in after the fact.

So history is malleable. I guess that is what I’m trying to prove here. Well, either that, or that I’m awesome at photoshop and I wanted to see it for your selves. After all, I did make this picture a reality, despite God not wanting it to exist.

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That pussy is afraid of what 9 Minigan Blackwoods would do to the World. Which he shouldn’t because they would probably just be in the most narcissistic and creepy orgy ever.

OK, that’ all I wanted to talk about today. Peace out, and as always…

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