Why I Should Be Cast as Finnick Odair in The Next “Hunger Games” Movie

by CCs-Graphix

This is, like, TOTALLY my motto!

OK Hollywood, you and I have had a love/ hate relationship over the past few years. Sure you’re making sequels to Anchorman and Dumb and Dumber, but you still let Robert Patterson and Tyler the gay werewolf be famous. Clearly there’s an issue between you and I that needs to be fixed. Luckily, that fix is an easy one. Let me play Finnick Odair in “The Hunger Games” sequel, “Catching Fire.”
For those of you who don’t know what “The Hunger Games” are, I would first like to congratulate you on finally getting internet access for that rock you’ve been living under. Secondly, “The Hunger Games” is a book trilogy set in a future North America where each district (There are 12) has to send in a boy and a girl into a fight to the death for the entertainment of the citizens of the Capitol. Also, Katniss, the main character who has to fight in the Hunger Games, has to choose between which boy she like the most. Really.


Why don’t you two share her? The guy with the smoldering good looks can have her Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, and the blond dude who looks like he’s probably a good person can have her Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday. Sunday will be 3-way day.

Finnick shows up in the second novel, and was the winner from the 65th Hunger Games. He is supposed to be incredibly sexy and have had a lot of sexual conquests in the Capitol. He is from District 4 (The fishing district) and is deadly with a trident.
Anyway, Hollywood, I want that part. But I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “Why should I let some unknown blog writer play a major role in what will be a successful film trilogy?” Well, continue reading and I will tell you.

1. He is my favorite character from the book series
This might not sound like much of a reason to hire me than as a reason I want the part, but I assure you that it’s both. Yes Finnick is my favorite character from the books, but that fact should assure you that I will do my best not to fuck up his character. I’m not saying that if you cast me as a character I don’t like, then I will do a bad job, because I will learn to like that character. But I will not need to try to like the character of Finnick because I already do. And believe me when I say that I will work harder than I ever have in my life in order to get the part of Finnick right.

2. He and I have a lot of personality traits in common
This will make it very easy for me to get into Finnick’s head. And as you know, the easier it is for an actor to become the character they’re portraying, the more convincing they will be in that role. And I do have a lot in common with Finnick, personality wise, especially when it comes to our sense of humor. If you read my blog regularly (and you absolutely should), you should know that my favorite thing to make fun of (after celebrities and minorities) is myself. Hell, I regularly call myself out as a hypocrite and I even made this picture:

It makes more sense if you read the blog this comes from.

Of course our senses of humor are different, what with Finnick not being based on me and all, but I can be the most humble person ever, and that is what you need from the person to play Finnick. Plus, how many actors will be okay with playing a character who constantly knocks himself down through humor? Probably a lot, admittedly, but they do not have the experience that I do. Well, maybe Brad Pitt or Tom Hanks, but neither of them look young enough to play a twenty four year old. Which brings me to…

3. He and I have a lot of physical traits in common
Not to toot my own horn (I’ll save that for after I finish this blog), but it is feasible for me to play Finnick just because of how I look. Take this picture of me:

Seriously, take it. This is my headshot.

Clearly, I’m muscular enough, but I am willing to get more so if you want “god body” instead of “demi god body.” Also, I’ve got a good face:it has dimples, a cleft, a good smile that you cannot tell that I have from that picture, and it’s masculine without being overly meat-headish. But really, most actors that aren’t Michael Cera or the dude who played the Facebook guy can fit into that image. That is why I…

4. I am willing to do my own stunts

This is really important because this is what sets me apart for those other, “more qualified” actors. I am totally willing to risk my life to play this role. You need me to run while carrying Peeta and Mags? Bam! Done. I will train so that I can carry 200+ pounds while running. You want me to know how to fight with a trident? Boom! I’ll learn. Need scenes where I’m swimming so well that I look more natural in water than I do on land? Blamo! It shall be done. Seriously, whatever stunt you need done that doesn’t require a professional stunt man, I’m your man. The only thing that makes this better is that…

5. I have acting experience
That’s right, Hollywood. I do have acting experience, so stop thinking that I talk some big game but cannot follow through with actual talent. First of all, I can cry on command. I’ve been teaching myself how to do this over the past couple of years for no better reason than “It could come in handy someday.” If you give me this part, all my time wouldn’t have been wasted. Secondly, I acted in my High school’s rendition of Guys and Dolls. Sure, I wasn’t a main character, but I did have lines, and I acted the shit out of them. I played Lt. Brannigan, or as I liked to call him, the sarcastic dick cop. It was a part that I really got into. So into, in fact that I refused to break character whenever I was in costume. Well, I wasn’t Daniel Day Lewis levels of in character, but spend most of my time scowling and refusing to interact with anyone. I’ll admit that that that high school musical was six years ago, which means I’m a bit rusty with the acting, but I’ll sure as hell make up for that in determination and enthusiasm because…
6. I am desperate for a job that will bring me closer to my goal of writing for TV and movies

I may have acting experience, but I don’t consider myself an actor. I’m a writer, and I always will be. However, I think me gaining some notoriety via acting cred could help jump start my writing career. If Snooki can write a book with her meat paws just because she’s famous, then I should be able to write a book that actually has some redeeming quality to it and use my new found fame from playing Finnick. So if I have so much of my future at stake with this part, then you can bet your ass that I work hard for this part. That’s how you know that you can count on me for this part. Unlike all of those other real actors whose careers can bounce back if they suck in one movie, if I fuck up, then my writing career is as good as done. And don’t try and say that me being bad in “Catching Fire” won’t fuck my career, because that will come up every time I try to get a book published. That will be the main thing people will talk about any time a book of mine hits shelves, “Oh, hey, did that dude that did a shitty job playing Finnick in ‘The Hunger Games’ write this?”

7. I am NOT Robert fucking Patterson

This is the most important point ever, Hollywood. I am not that pale, skinny, limey, Brit. The bastard’s already been in the Harry Potter series and the Twilight series, and now he wants to be in the “Hunger Games?”Does he really need to be a part of another franchise? The answer is Hell no. Besides, he’s already famous; this movie trilogy doesn’t need another famous person to play a part. It already has Woody Harrelson as Haymitch, Donald Sutherland as President Snow, Elizabeth Banks as Effie Trinket, and Jennifer Lawrence as Katniss, does this series really need another accomplished actor to join the ranks?

I was joking at the beginning when I mentioned him. Then I saw this and declared fucking war.

Besides, do you know what is going to happen if you let Robert fucking Patterson join the cast? He’s going to seduce Jennifer into going out with him. Then, when their alone, he’ll replace her body with a cyborg clone that cannot display basic human emotions. He’ll then impregnate the cyborg with his vampire seed which will germinate into a tiny monster that will burst out of the Fake Jennifer’s stomach like a deleted scene from Alien. To be fair, I might be unintentionally mixing the Twilight movies with reality, but do you really want to take that chance?


See, he’s already done this once!

I’ll be expecting your call.

And to everyone who is not Hollywood that is reading this: make sure this post goes viral. They won’t be able to ignore our protests then! Mah ha ha ha!



1 Comment

  1. Great post! Thank you for sharing!

    … following your blog …

    ~ Oh God, My Wife Is German.

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