OK guys, I’m drawing a blank this week. Give me something to write about, and I will. I do have one condition though: the topic cannot be about politics… or the government in general… or anything about the Hunger Games, I did that last week… or any books or movies that are out right now… or actually anything pop culture related. You know what, fuck it. I’ll just figure something out on my own. God, you guys are useless.
Actually, I was going to use this post to talk about my new dog, Tess the badass…
…but then I was watching late night TV and I saw a commercial that was particularly bad. I decided that sharing the video with you and making fun of it was a better use of all of our time. Sorry Tess.
Have you seen this video:
Holy shit, a lot just happened in this video. Let’s break it down.
There is what looks like stock footage of the outside of a church while music from a 90’s family sitcom plays in the background. This is the only acceptable part of the commercial.
We see the main characters of this commercial running through a hallway of the alleged church, apparently late for a wedding. I’m guessing that they just happened to arrive at the same time, because it takes the guy in the white suit to turn around and hurry the rest of the group to realize what the other guy, Sherman, is wearing. Sherman, for those of you who didn’t watch the video, is wearing a bright yellow Hawaiian shirt, beige khaki shorts, high black socks that only partially cover up his legs that are so pale that they are probably made out of wax, and, for some reason, bowling shoes. Sherman speaks and has the mannerisms of Curly from the Three Stooges, which is not a personality type that any person should have. Ever. As he’s over gesticulating, he explains that the invite said that it was an informal wedding. The woman to his left, who I’m guessing got “Wedding” confused with “High School Prom” again, exclaims, “It did?!” The group then follows a sign for the wedding, directing them off to the left.
In enters a security guard. Why does a church need a security guard? What kind of evil neighborhood is this church in that warrants a security guard to be on duty when a wedding is going on? Maybe the wedding is of someone important… but then why would they invite our main characters who are clearly a bunch of idiots, and why would they hire one measly security guard? And he’s not even a good security guard, because once he gets to the sign that the main characters pass, he realizes that it’s wrong. He flips it around to reveal that the direction the main characters were actually to a funeral. He then backs away slowly, making sure no one saw him change the sign.
OK, I have a few questions about this:
1. Why is a funeral and a wedding taking place at the same church on the same date and time? Even in small towns they have those ceremonies in separate places, and even if this particular town doesn’t have such amenities, they should have the common sense to not schedule the funeral at the exact same time as a wedding.
2. Why the fuck didn’t the security guard tell the main characters they were going the wrong way? Don’t even try to say that he didn’t see them. Look at where his eyes are pointed when he shows up:
Clearly, the security guard knew that they were headed to what they thought was a wedding, and he knew they were going to burst into a funeral mid-procession. So why didn’t he warn them? It’s not like he would’ve been in trouble, seeing as though he fixed the problem and then directed the guests to the right place. That is a goddamn security guard’s job, after all. This guy is the biggest dick in the entire video.
At this point, the woman who looks Danny Devito’s Penguin in drag speaks, and proves that she actually is Danny Devito’s Penguin in drag. She bitches about how boring weddings are and how there better be an open bar. You know what? I stand corrected. That security guard isn’t the biggest dick in this advertisement, this bitch is. The man in the suit reassures her that the gift he’s carrying will be the open bar. And this brings me to the gift. I guessed earlier that this group of inconsiderate douchebags must have come separately, because the guy in the suit would have to be a total asshole to wait to get to the wedding before bringing up Sherman’s horrible choice of clothing. But if that’s true, then Sherman, the stupid blond, and The Penguin just showed up in hopes that the dude in the suit brought a gift that they could add their names to. Fuck these people. Also, with the reference to the gift, we get our first reference to what the product their selling is. It comes in at about 30 seconds into the commercial. That means that within the time that most advertisements run, this commercial has just begun to actually hint that they have a product to sell. What the fuck? Are we actually watching an infomercial? Is this actually a poorly conceived made for TV movie?
Since the douchebag security guard didn’t warn this group that they were about to noisily crash a funeral, the group noisily crashes a fucking funeral. The Priest is talking, and once he sees the intuders, he shouts, “Lord!” because, you know, taking God’s name in vain is something all Catholic priests do. Clearly all the people at the funeral are pissed, as they should be, but despite the clearly visible coffin and mourning congregation, our walking piles of genetic mistakes don’t have a clue what is going on. The Penguin calls it the deadest wedding she’s ever seen, and the blonde jokingly asks if the ceremony is a wedding or a funeral. You can register the pure loathing on the mourners’ faces.
To make matters worse, the guy in the suit decides that the only way to save the situation is by opening the gift that he brought for the wedding (that he is clearly not at) and getting all of the mourners drunk off of mixed drinks. For some reason, he pulls the entire Party Bullet out of the gift box fully assembled and not in it packaging. That means he’s fucking used that exact Party Bullet before and was too lazy to put it back into its packaging. I was wrong again, the guy in the suit is clearly the biggest dick in this commercial.
At this point, the people at the funeral said “fuck it” to that stiff in the coffin, and decided to get wasted with the strangers who interrupted the funeral. There is also a disco ball in a church for some reason. Clearly these people really didn’t give two shits about the recently deceased.
Of course the guy in the suit makes a toast to long life… at a funeral… and nobody seems to care.
Sherman fucking hits on the widow. Really. She cries because, so far she’s only person in this video who doesn’t have sociopathic tendencies.
Oh, thank God. She’s dancing with Sherman. I was afraid she was going to be a frigid bitch just because her husband died.
The priest eventually shows up and reminds Sherman that they are, in fact, at a funeral. Sherman replies that, “You can’t spell funeral without, F-U-N, FUN!!!!!!” OK, so I was wrong again. Sherman is the worst fucking person in this video. The very next shot is of the priest dancing. I’m assuming that the priest finally pulled that stick out of his ass and joined the party. I’m beginning to think that everyone in this commercial was a rejected character from “It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia.”
We now see the man in the suit again. He’s chilling in front of the coffin while a dwarf wearing a shirt with the word, “Life” on it sits on top of the coffin. You just know where this is going, and the commercial doesn’t disappoint. Or maybe it does if you have any kind of soul at all. The man in the suit says, “Life is short.” The dwarf looks insulted by this joke, although he could just be disgusted by the horrible pun.
And look in the background. That’s the security guard dancing on the far right with the widow. So he’s unwilling to warn a group of guests that they’re headed to the wrong room, but he’s ok with getting hammered at a funeral while he’s ON FUCKING DUTY. I was right the first time. That bastard is the worst person in this video.
OK, folks, here’s the big twist. When the guy in the suit taps on the coffin, the person inside the coffin taps back. That means that that poor bastard is alive and trapped inside his own coffin at his funeral. He is forced to hear his supposed friends and loved ones drink and party like no one’s fucking died. Now he has to spend the last few hours of his life lamenting about how awful everyone in his life is. Holy fuck, could you imagine the universe of this commercial. If these twats are just everyday people, could you imagine what Hitler or Stalin were like?
So that is the Party Bullet video in all of its awful glory. Go buy one, I guess…
And Magic Bullet, I hocked your product on my blog. Can I have some money please?