A couple of weeks ago, I talked about the worst commercial I have ever seen. Unfortunately, the well of shitty commercials runs pretty deep, so I decided to point out the awfulness of a few more videos for you to marvel in.
Budlight Platinum- Factory
Beer commercials are pretty synonymous with terrible (as are Quizno’s commercials), so the fact that a beer commercial is first shouldn’t surprise you. What should surprise you is that this beer commercial isn’t completely bad. In fact, as far as commercials today go, this one is actually pretty good. It’s simple and easy to follow. Yes, it only mention the product they’re selling at the very end, but the commercial is only 30 seconds long, so that isn’t a big deal. Plus they actually mention the product, which is better then most of the commercials out there anyway. What’s wrong with it is the music they chose. What song is that you ask? Well it’s this one:
That is Kanye West’s song “Runaway.” If you didn’t listen to it, that’s OK. I hate Kanye too. What you really need to know is the lyrics to the chorus:
Let’s have a toast for the douchebags,
Let’s have a toast for the assholes,
Let’s have a toast for the scumbags,
Every one of them that I know
Let’s have a toast to the jerkoffs
That’ll never take work off
Baby, I got a plan
Run away fast as you can
So a But Light commercial uses a song that has the line, “Let’s have a toast for the douchebags.” Did they listen to the whole song? Were they trying to be funny? Was this commercial meant to insult the exact group of people who would buy a Bud Light Platinum? Were the advertisers trying to be that ironic? They must’ve been because no one who isn’t retarded would have chosen that song for that ad without listening to the lyrics first. That would be like PETA using Weird Al’s song “Spam” in one of their PSA’s.
Nicki Manaj’s Pepsi Commercial
Why fuck is Nicki Manaj’s face frozen like that? Is she about to suck out my soul? Does Pepsi do this to your face? Should I be worried that drinking Pepsi will turn me into a wax generic version of Lady Gaga? What scares me the most is that Nicki looks oddly aroused when she was frozen like that, which makes me afraid she may want to fuck me and eat me.
And on a side note: where the fuck are the security guards as this concert? Those people just magically appear on stage drinking Nicki Manaj’s freak-face inducing Pepsis, and then stage dive, and no one thinks that they might be trying to kill her- Oh, wait. Nevermind. That’s exactly why they let those two people who can teleport stay on stage. They were hoping they were going to kill Nicki Manaj. They must’ve been so disappointed when the mysterious couple stole the Pepsis and jumped off of the stage without killing her. It’s OK, security. We all were.
Coors Light: Bodyguard
What the fuck happened to you, Ice Cube? You were such a hard ass in NWA and the Friday movies. Now look at you. You’re starring in movies like “Are We There Yet?” and trying to intimidate bottles of beer with your… icy coldness, I guess. And not only are you going up against an inanimate object in this video, you have to bring back up, and you still get your asses kicked. Now, it may come as a surprise to my readers that I am white, but even though I don’t have any sort of street cred, I’m still pretty sure that trying to act like a gangsta while going up against a bottle of Coors Light (The Grand Wizard of Beers) is not gangsa at all. And (again this is the whiteness talking in) when did afros come back in style. I for one think they’re offensive to black people.
Usell.com commercial-The dude with the vest
God, what isn’t wrong about this commercial? The premise, the lighting, the product itself… Ok, to be honest, I don’t know anything about this commercial except for the dude. Whenever this ad comes on, I can never get past the thought of how much I want to punch the guy in the vest in the face. There is just something about him. Maybe it’s the way he talks: all hip and friendly like. You are not my friend, sir. If you were, I would have punched you right in your fucking mouth for talking like that and for having that stupid soul patch. And holy shit, let’s talk about that soul patch. No one should have a soul patch like that. And if they do, they shouldn’t be allowed to breed. A soul patch like that is just as good warning signal of a douchebag as a polo with a popped collar. Yeah, sure I could have a soul patch like that, but that’s only because my facial hair grows in all douche baggy like that. I choose not to let my facial hair grow that way; I’m not my brother.
And how about the fact that right at the beginning he said, “Do you want to know how I made $60 is 60 seconds? Uh, I know I do.” Number 1: Why don’t you know how you made $60 in a minute? Are you a prostitute with a brain condition like that guy in Memento? And number 2: What makes you think we care? We don’t. You should take that vest of yours and jump off a bridge.
Even this guy’s emphatic movements piss me off. It’s like he wants to befriend me. Well, fuck you, asshole. I may not have a lot of friends (Three is probably an overstatement), but I’m not so desperate for human contact that I would hang out with you.
Ugh, when did this guy get out of prison after beating up that hooker? And Holy shit, his name is really Vince Offer? I guess that means that spokespeople of shitty products are in line for fake names after gay pornstars.
Anyway, the product this creepy bastard is hocking is essentially those stretchy, sticky hands from grocery store vending machines wrapped around a tube. The product seems to work pretty well, especially for people who have a lot of dandruff, lint, or animal fur in one concentrated place:
And holy shit: That flight attendant used it on that dude, and was so aroused by the dead skin on his shirt that you can just tell that they’re gonna hump on the drink cart.
Vince even made a reference to the whole “hooker beating” episode. At least he has a sense of humor about disappointing his whole family. Again.
Alright. I’m done for now. Go criticize advertisements for yourselves.