Insulting Celebrities That are Better Looking Than Me

I’m not going to lie to you. Despite how unfathomably awesome I am, I still am insecure. It’s true, just read my journal (Don’t fucking read my journal). And I am also a competitive dick, so I tend to hate celebrities just for looking better than me and because I know that I’ll never be as attractive or as successful as them. I know that it’s “What’s on the inside that counts.” At least, according to ugly people it is, but how is a moderately attractive fellow such as myself supposed to compete with all these goddamn handsome celebrities around? I’ll tell you how. By making them look bad by way of insults. That’s what I’m going to do here. I should point out that the ten celebrities below aren’t the only ones that are better looking than me; they’re just the ones that I think I’d have the best insults for. Some honorable mentions are: Jake Gyllenhal, Ryan Gosling, Adam Rodriguez, Wilmer Valaderrama, and Channing Tatum. Fuck every single one of those guys too. Here is my list.
1. Matt Bomer

He actually looks a little terrifying in this picture.

Who the fuck do you think you are, Bomer? You bore into my soul with those disturbingly dreamy blue eyes, and it’s like you think you’re better than me. Well, lick my tits, Bomer. All you are is Ian Somerhalder without the jawline or the crazy eyebrows. Seriously, you two look identical. Get an original fucking face Matt. Also, I’ve never watched your show, White Collar, because if I wanted to watch something with the exact same premise as Catch Me If You Can, I would fucking watch Catch Me If You Can. And weren’t you the guy who really dicked over Chuck from the show Chuck? Yeah, fuck you for that too. He was your best friend, you twat.


2. Brad Pitt

I hope you ruin your molars by grinding your teeth so much.

How do you make fun of Brad Pitt? Seriously, he’s been a sex symbol for women for so long, that it’s safe to assume that women will still want to ride him when his dick and his back are no longer up for the challenge. The best way to make fun of him is to either criticize him his hair back in the 80s or for his choice of leaving Jennifer Aniston for the potentially insane Angelina Jolie, but the hair jokes are irrelevant now and Angelina jokes get old. Plus, once she stops being so obsessive over Cambodia, Angelina is going to divert all that crazy energy back at Brad. Do you remember that vial of blood she wore around her neck? It’ll be like that, only worse. Brad Pitt and his pretty fucking face don’t even stand a chance.
3. Ryan Reynolds


“Hey asshole, how about you save of those some abs for the rest of us!”- apparently no one in heaven when Ryan was picking out his body parts. There are fat people in this world right now because Ryan Reynolds dicked them over when God was creating them. He and is 100 fucking abs should dive head first into an empty pool. That would kill most people, but I suspect that he has abs protecting his head and spinal cord from injury. The good news is that even his abs couldn’t prepare him for how big of a flop the Green Lantern was. Score 1 for us, World!!!

4. Kate Beckinsale

I’ll tell you what, Kate. You go on a date with me, and I’ll take back every mean thing I say about you.

OK, I figured I needed to have one woman on this list because all these back handed complements to male celebrities has me feeling all weird and confused inside. I would have done more, since there are so many women that are hotter than me, but I felt that woman’s attractiveness is different than men’s attractiveness. After all, Hugh Laurie is considered hot by women, and he looks like he probably does some drugs. So,this is my token woman on the list, and I didn’t choose her because I think she looks manly (she doesn’t). Besides, if I wanted to make fun of a sexy female celebrity that looks a little manly, I would’ve chosen Hillary Swank. No, I chose Kate here because she is the only female celebrity besides Olivia Wilde that really need to tone down how hot they are (You don’t need to change a thing, Olivia. Call me!). How the fuck am I supposed to care about who’s ass you’re kicking in any of the 5,000 Underworld movies if every time I see you, I just imagine us making out. You’re looks are distracting all of us men who came to watch some good, old fashioned, Werewolf killin’ with your ridiculous good looks. And how was I supposed to laugh at all of the midget jokes in Tiptoes with you looking so serenely beautiful all over the place. Ugly yourself up for God-sakes.

I’m being told that this was not a comedy about midgets

5. David Beckham

Ello, ello you bloody little wanka, you.

You know that no one over here cares about soccer, right? Unless they have a six year old kid, or their city’s soccer team is the only professional team their city has, not a single American gives a hot damn about Euro-“Football.” Why don’t you stick to doing those Burger King commercials- Oh, Holy shit! The Burger King Commercials! I almost forgot about those! Why would you even consider taking your shirt of in a place that has hot oil all over the place? Not only is that horribly unsanitary for the customers, that is probably in serious violation of OSHA standards. And how is it that you don’t know how to work a blender, David? Have you been rich for so long that you’ve forgotten that you need to put the lid on, or is Harry Potter an accurate description of what life is like in modern day England? OR are you just an idiot?

6. Michael Ealy

Wait… who the fuck are you? What have you been in that I would’ve seen?

WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU, AND WHY CAN’T I GET YOUR DREAMY GODDAMNED FACE OUT OF MY HEAD?!?! It’s like you’re smile has been permanently burned onto my retinas. It makes me want to die.

7. Zac Efron

I was trying to keep the number of shirtless pics of these dudes at 0, but I really didn’t want two different Zac Efron searches in my Google search history.

For a dude that’s pretty jacked now, you sure did look like a pussy back in those High School Musical movies. I’m just thankful that you haven’t made any movies that I’ve ever wanted to see. Besides the three High School Musical movies, you were in that movie about Saints and Clouds or something, the overly marketed The Lorax, and a movie that was based on any Nicholas Sparks (They’re all basically the same plot). You should look to Liam Hemsworth (Aka the guy who isn’t Thor); he’s going to be in action movies, he’s been in movies that people will actually remember him for, and he’s banging Miley Cyrus. You just know he’s all up in her Hannah Montana and seeing to it’s a party in the U.S.A. You should act more like him- as in not be a show off douche. By the way, I’ve already made fun of you once in my blog, and I have every intention of making fun of you again. Why? Because for some dumb reason, I have a man-crush on you, and this is how I deal with that.

8. Hugh Jackman

Even your hair looks better than mine. Fuck you, Hugh Jackman.

Mr. Jackman, with you, I feel that I need to counter act your sexiness with an embarrassing photo of you right away, so here we go:

It’s Hugh Jackman in Herp di Berp di Dippity Derp!

OK, now that I got that out of the way, and am no longer intimidated by the fact that you pretty much are Wolverine at this point, let’s get down to knocking you down a peg or two. Since when, Hugh, did Wolverine ever dance around like a nancy theater geek on Broadway? I’m gonna go ahead and assume that’s a never. That means that every time you do a show on Broadway, you kill Wolverine a little. That should be impossible! I swear to Everything that is holy and right in this world, if you ruin the Character of Wolverine for us, I’m going to hire a guy to hire another guy to hire yet another (much bigger and stronger guy) to attack you with a pillowcase filled with your Tony Awards. Just Kidding Wolverine! Please don’t kill me.

9. Mario Lopez

E! Exclusive! Mario Lopez’s dimples plot to blot out our sun!

What’s your fucking deal, anyway? What do you do? Do you even act any more, or do you just ask stupid questions for the E! Network? By the way, If E! is the reason the world ends, I’m holding your fucking dimples responsible, Mario. Why couldn’t you have fallen in line with the other stars of Saved By the Bell and get uglier as you get older? And I hope you now know that mullets are a bad hairstyle choice no matter what race you may be. Get your shit together, Mario, and stop working for Television’s asshole. No, I did not mean the Fox News Network. Nor VH1 nor MTV. Yes, Television has four assholes, but E! was the original. Go act in a movie or something.

10. Patton Oswalt

Patton Oswalt, seen here begging for table scraps.

Pfsh Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha! What the fuck are you doing on this list, you little troll? Don’t get me wrong, man. I love your stand up, and I think you’re hilarious, but you are not better looking than me. You look like someone who should be an extra in the Shire scenes of Lord of the Rings. And you have the face of a down syndrome baby. You think you are better looking than me. Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha- [gasps for air] AH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!! What a loser!!!!!
Alright, I think I’m done for today. Everyone have a good week.



  1. I love reading your blog.. That dreamy blue eyed light skinned man is unreal. Personally you should do an ugly celeb one with jessica burciaga first on the list (she’s not but I’m jealous)

  2. […] Kate- You said that I was too hot and that I need to tone down my hotness a little! And you also made fun … […]

Comments RSS TrackBack Identifier URI

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

  • I am this popular!

    • 97,903 hits
  • Blast from the Past!

    July 2012
    S M T W T F S
    « Jun   Aug »
  • The Vault