Preventing the Mayan Apocalypse With Zac Efron

http://www.crystalinks.com/mayancalendar.html

Apparently, twice a year we have to punch an orange tooth monster in the mouth until it sees discolored targets.

 

[Inside- arcade. Minigan Blackwood is in the left seat of a racing game. In the right seat sits Zac Efron sleeping. Minigan grabs a large tree branch from his side and whacks Zac with it.]
Minigan- Wake up, asshole, and watch how awesome I am at this game.

Zac- [Opens his eyes wider than what they should open and clutches tighter to the seat. His voice cracks with panic] Please, whoever you are, just please stop hitting me with that branch and let me go. I promise not to go to the cops.

Minigan- I would love to stop hitting you with my wakin’ stick, Zaccy Effs, but you keep falling asleep and missing my sweet driving skillz on this video game. I’m dodging the shit out of these cones!

Zac-Dude, whatever you’re high on must be some powerful stuff, because we’re not playing a video game. You pulled me out of my trailer and into this car. You have been driving erratically for the past twenty minutes.

[Minigan takes both of his hands off of the wheel and turns to his left to see a car window floating in front of him. All around it is the arcade, but on the other side of the widow are trees and a four lane highway rushing passed. The interior of a car grows from the window, blocking out every inch of the arcade and replacing it with dark grey fabric.]

Minigan- Holy shit! You’re good at this game!

Zac- Are you even listening to me, man?

Minigan- No. I absolutely am not. Besides, I didn’t take the drugs. You did. I would know if I was bending reality at my will. Do you not remember you taking the drugs?

-Earlier-

[Inside. Zac’s trailer. Zac sits in his trailer, going over his lines. His security radio crackles to life and a panicked voice yells through]

Panicked Voice- we have a security breach at the studio 12 entrance. The perp is a long haired male who is claiming to be a doctor. Everyone in the studio 12 area are advised to stay in their trail-

[several screams came from the background a new voice drowns out the others]

The new voice- Everybody calm the fuck down! I’m a doctor!

Zac- [to himself] Shit, I’m near studio 12.

“I would be afraid, but I’m way too busy trying to figure out how to put on this hat.”

Panicked voice- Somebody shoot him!

[Zac is paying full attention now. There are the sounds of a struggle, gunshots, and then a weird spitting sounds and terrified screams. This was followed by silence. Seconds later, a long haired man, about Zac’s age, bursts through the door.]

Long haired man- Zac Efron, my name is Minigan Blakwood, and I need you to come with me. I need your help in saving the world.

Zac-But the security guard told everyone near studio 12 to not leave our trailers.

Minigan- I know what that man said, but that man was stupid and had a big nose. Trust me; I’m a doctor. A doctor of Awesome.

Zac- Wait a minute… You’re the dude they were warning us about. I am absolutely not going anywhere with you.

[Minigan sighs]

Minigan- I was afraid you’d make this difficult. [Minigan pounces on Zac and manages to pin the actor to the floor using only his legs. As Zac struggles, Minigan pulls out a baggie of hot pink powder that has swirls of dark grey. He leans over Zac and says] Open your mouth.

[Zac shook his head, keeping his lips pressed tightly together.]

Minigan- [Sighs again] Fine, have it your way. [Minigan takes a deep breath in and releases it as the spitting sound Zac had heard on the security radio. Minigan’s hair stands straight out from the sides of his head and makes a fan around his face. Zac screamed, and Minigan poured the pink and grey powder into Zac’s mouth. Zac stopped struggling and screaming, and his pupils dilated to the point where his irises were barely visible.]

I was doing something like this, except with my hair and I am way more muscular that this scrawny bastard.

Minigan- [letting go of Zac] Now, Zaccy Effs, we really need to get going. What do you say?

Zac- [sitting up] I say we hit up the arcade like it just gave us lip. [Zac blinked, and when looked back around his trailer, he was actually sitting on the floor of an arcade.

-Back in the Present-

Zac- [relaxing a little] Oh yeah! I remember all that happening.

Minigan- I hope you would, this all happened in the span of 20 minutes for us. Shit, was this what I am like when I trip on Olivia Wilde and Charlie Sheen? Oh man, I’m a dick.
Zac- Probably. So why did you need me to come with you so bad anyway?

Minigan-[Still not holding the wheel or paying attention to the road (The car is speeding down a busy stretch of beach, people are avoiding the car by diving into the water.)] Shit! I got so distracted by the video game and you bending reality that I forgot to tell you our mission. We need to stop the Mayan apocalypse from happening.

Zac- How in the crap am I supposed to stop that?

Minigan- With the drugs you are currently tripping your shit on. The Pink powder is what I like to call Olivia Wilde, which is a powerful hallucinogen. [He nonchalantly grabs the steering wheel and gives it a good jerk to the left, dodging a sleeping sunbather] When that is mixed the dark grey powder, which is Charlie Sheen ash, the person who takes them is able to warp reality. Anything from the sequence of events to fucking with the fields of space and time. Hell, even shape shifting is possible. If you wanted, you could change me so, I don’t know, that I’m made entirely out of flaccid penises. But please don’t do that.

-Moments later-

Zac- [laughing really hard at the penis monster in the driver’s seat] This is the greatest thing ever!

The Penis Monster- God damnit, Efron, turn me back to normal. [He shakes his finger, but since it’s a flaccid penis, all it does is flop around. Zac laughs harder]

Zac- [Once he’s finished laughing] No can do, Minigan. You are so much funnier this way. Plus, you did just say that you were a dick. I just made you into a writhing mass of dicks! Ha ha ha!

Minigan- [using his penis fingers, fumbles around in his pocket and pulls a second bag of pink and grey powder] Zac, if you don’t turn me back into my normal self, I am going to take this bag of Olivia Wilde/ Charlie Sheen, and trust me, you don’t want me to do that.

Zac-Ok, ok. I’ll change you back, Captain Buzz-Kill. [Before he does, Zac takes a picture of the Penis Monster Minigan and has another good laugh at his expense]

-Another few moments later-

Zac-[To the non-penis monster Minigan] so can nothing hurt me while I’m on these drugs?

Minigan- Nope. Not as long as I don’t take my bag.

Zac- I’ll keep that in mind. Do you want to see the picture I took?

Minigan- [after a pause] Sure.

[Zac shoved his phone’s screen in front of Minigan’s face. Both men burst into laughter. Minigan looked almost exactly the same as he normally did, except in the photo he was made entirely out of penises. There are long corcscrew penises for Minigan’s hair, two thin, pink penises for his lips, and his eyes are the heads of two more penises . Once they were done laughing, Zac asks]

Zac- so, where are we going now? You said something about a Mayan apocalypse?

Minigan- Yes! We need to stop it. And we need to go where all the Mayans used to live: The Yucatan Peninsula.

Zac- So why did you choose me to help you?

Minigan- Well, I would have gone with my twin or that one Jonas Brother, but both of them are in jail. And then I was going to go with Russel Crowe, but fuck him, so I chose you.

Even he knows it.

Zac- I don’t get your logic, bro.

Minigan- Damn right. And don’t even try.

-Several hours later-

[Enterior. Car in the The Yucatan Peninsula. Both men are wearing sombreros, ponchos, and fake mustaches. Minigan is passionately singing along to a song and Zac is silently judging him.]

Minigan- If you see that the one that understands you/ been here all along/ so why don’t you see-ee-ee/ you belong with me-ee-ee/ you belong with me

Zac- You know that you singing that song when only the two of us are around makes me a little uncomfortable, right?

Minigan-Gee, thanks Zac eFrown, you somehow managed to make things weirder than when you turned me into a bunch of penises . [looks out the windshield and pays attention to where they’re headed for the first time in hours] Hey! We’re getting close!

Zac- Good. Dude, how famous do you think we’ll be once we save the world? Man, I’ll probably get so many more chicks after me.

Minigan- In that case, I hope no one finds out that we prevented the apocalypse.

Zac- Dude. Not cool. And I thought the Mayans predicted the end of the world was going to be in December?

Minigan- I thought so to until I found the tablet- Holy Shit! I haven’t told you how I found out about the real date of the apocalypse. I discovered an ancient stone tablet a couple of days ago when I got really fucked up on Olivia Wilde and somehow managed to make it to the ruins of Uxmal. I thought I was being chased by phantom bird-men, which turned out being plain old birds that were pissed at me for stealing their eggs, and I dove into a ditch. Except the ditch wasn’t so much a ditch as it was a tunnel. I think it might have been for either irrigation or sewage. Hell, maybe both. Who knows? Anyway, since the bird-men didn’t follow me down, I decided that I must be safe down there and decided to check out the place. After a few minutes, I tripped over what turned out to be the remains of some explorer. His dead expression was twisted with fear, and if I had to guess, he died staring at something at the wall behind me. When I turned around to see if I was right, I saw a golden tablet, the size of the wall itself. After rummaging through the explorer’s belongings (and taking his money) I found several large sheets of paper and a charcoal pencil. I used those to make a copy of the tablet. I then repositioned the corpse so that it looked like it was having a vigorous masturbation sesh, took a picture, and left. When I made it back home, I was able to translate everything most of it. And at one point it mentions how it will happen tonight.

Zac- Shit. What were the two symbols that you couldn’t translate?
Minigan- The location. [Minigan pulls a sheet of paper out from his pocket and points to two of the symbols enclosed by a circle of red ink] The sentence says that, “the column of white fire will rise from_____ ________ and the sun God will fall from his throne and crash into the Earth.

Zac- how did you translate it all?

Minigan- Google Translate. I mean, sure, it came out in broken English, but if you read it enough times, you can understand what they meant.

Zac- Google Translate can translate ancient Mayan to English?! How did you even type the characters into the box?

Minigan- [impatiently] Look, I can try to explain how I typed a dead language with unusual symbols into my computer, or you could not waste our time asking stupid questions and we can save the world. Now, let’s go find a Mayan and make them decipher this last symbol.

[Minigan slams on the brakes, and the car goes into a tailspin. Zac and Minigan casually hop out of the car as it spins out of control and into a ravine. They walk away as it explodes]

Minigan- We just looked so badass just now.

Zac- I know. Awesome.

Minigan-[refocusing on the task at hand] OK, now we need to ask around until we find a Mayan. We’ll have to hurry; we only have a half an hour left.

[They hurry into the small Mexican village that Minigan deliberately wrecked the car near. Despite it being so late, there were still plenty of locals in the square in front of the church.]

Zac- [looks around at the village they’re in] this place doesn’t look like Mayan ruins, and none of these people look like Mayans… What do Mayans actually look like? Would they still wear grass skirts and war paint?

Minigan- I assume they’ll look like normal Mexicans. They’ll want to blend in with society as to not draw too much attention to themselves.

Zac- Good point. Those sneaky bastards.

I’m on to you, you son of a bitch.

Minigan- But we still need to figure out who’s a Mayan and who’s just a regular, boring Mexican.

Zac- Dude, hold on a sec. I have an idea. [Yells out to no one in particular] All Mayans that can decipher these symbols glow in the dark.

[Almost instantly, several people start to emit a faint orange glow. One man sitting on the ground near a well is glowing the brightest.]

Minigan-[pointing to the glowing man] That one right there looks like he’s our best shot.

[The two Americans are instantly upon the poor Mexican, and are shouting questions at the man in such a way that he can neither understand what they are asking nor have a chance to answer them if he did. After thirty seconds or so of this, Zac grabs the man by the chest of his poncho and lifts him off the ground. Minigan shoves the paper in from of the man’s face and points to the two untranslated symbols.]

Minigan- What do these two symbols mean? I demand the answer, Mayan.

Mayan Man- Please don’t hurt me, señors.

Minigan- We cannot be held accountable for our actions. Just tell us what they mean. Where is the Apocalypse going to start at?

Mayan Man- [after studying the symbols] Chichen Itza. You’ll want to head that way. [He points off to the north.] Please let me go.

Zac- [shaking the man] Chicken Pizza? What do you mean by Chicken Pizza? Where do we find Chicken pizza in this country? Your pizza is just a poorly bastardized version of our bastardized version of pizza! TELL US WHAT YOU MEAN!!!

Minigan- Dude, I think he said Chichen Itza. That is a Mayan city.

Zac- No, man! This bastard said chicken pizza! [to the Mayan] TELL US THE TRUTH OR I’LL GUT YOU!

Minigan-No he didn’t. I learned about Chichen Itza in high school.

Zac- Fuck you and your high school, Minigan. This man is lying.

Minigan- Hey, don’t get mad at me for you not knowing history because you spent your entire high school career singing and dancing.

Who didn’t sing and dance all their problems away in high school?

Zac- Oh my god. That was a movie! How can you get reality mixed up with fiction this bad.

Minigan- I CAN SEPARATE FICTION FROM REALITY JUST FINE! [He shouts as Batman and Harry Potter chase a unicorn behind Zac. Minigan shakes his head to refocus and says] Look what this tricky bastard is doing. He’s trying to pit us against each other so that we don’t stop the apocalypse!

Zac- [To the Mayan] You bastard!

Mayan Man- Ayudame! Ayudame!

Minigan- Cierra la boca o te rajo!

Zac- [stops shaking the man, but still holds the man by the chest of his poncho] What did you just say to him?

Minigan-I told him to shut his mouth or I’d cut him.

Zac- Dude, where did you learn that?

Minigan- High School Spanish class. I lived in a terrible school district.

Zac- I’m actually not all that surprised by that.

[The Mayan pulls himself out of his poncho and runs away screaming. Zac starts to chase him, but Minigan holds Zac back.]

Minigan-No, we got all we need from the man. Let’s go. When we get back, we’ll fuck that guy up.
[The two men sprint off towards the north side of the town and run into a dense wall of forest.]
Zac- Get the fuck out of my way, trees!

[The trees jump to either the left or the right, apologizing as they do so, and clear a long, wide path ahead of Zac and Minigan. [After sprinting for as far as they can (about twenty yards or so) they both stop, completely winded.]

Zac- You know what, fuck this. I have a better idea. [He snatches a moth out of the air, puts his hands up to his mouth, and starts whispering. Once he’s done, he lets the moth go, and two giant eagles swoop down and pick up the two men. As they fly towards the ever growing pyramid in the distance, Zac calls to Minigan] It’s just like the Lord of the Rings!

Minigan- Yeah! Except, you didn’t save the most efficient way to travel until the end of the goddamn trilogy like that inefficient bastard, Gandalf.

[They both share a good laugh at Tolken’s expense]

Minigan- What did you say to the moth?

Zac- Well, you can’t tell what Gandalf says in the movies, so I just sexually harassed it. That seemed to do the trick. [Both men laughed even harder.]

[Within minutes they arrive at Chichen Itza and the eagles drop them off at the Pyramid.]

http://www.world-mysteries.com/chichen_kukulcan.htm
Zac- [Looking around] Ok, so we’re here. Now what?

Minigan- Hmm… I’m not sure. The tablet didn’t really say. [looks at watch] Shit. We only have five minutes left. Maybe we need to find another clue.

Zac- Within five minutes? Minigan, this place is huge. Even with the drugs in my system are telling me it’s impossible. Why didn’t you come here earlier? Maybe then you wouldn’t have dicked over the entire planet, Blackwood.

Minigan- I don’t want to hear shit out of you, Charlie St. Cloud. You just sit up there on your cloud, um, being all saintly and shit and judging me.

Zac- You never saw that movie, did you?

Minigan- Nope, and neither did the rest of the country. Burn.

Zac- Well, first of all, go fuck yourself. And secondly, let’s save the fighting for later; we really need something to help compensate for your shitty planning.

Minigan- Go suck Lorax dick, Efron.

Zac- Yeah, bro? Well at least I didn’t doom the world!

[Minigan opens his mouth to let out more movie themed insults, but a rustling of grass comes from behind them silences him. From the darkness emerges a large brightly feathered serpent. It looks more like a long, flamboyant chicken with no wings or legs than a serpent. It slithers I between the two and coils into a tight loop at the bottom step of the pyramid.]

Minigan- Did you summon this?

Zac- No, man. I’m not sure what the fuck to make out of what’s happening right now.

[The serpent begins to quiver and swell. Its feathers turn jet black, and all down its body Jade colored square spirals form, making it look like the serpents depicted on the pyramid. It lifts its head, and pulls itself into an upright position so that it can look the two men in the eye.

The Serpent- Welcome Humans. I am-

Zac- GIANT TALKING SNAKE!

Minigan- KILL IT!

Zac- [pulling two machetes from their sheaths on his back and hands one to Minigan] Here bro!
[Minigan and Zac hack at the serpent with their machetes, the blades clanging against the hard magic feathers and bouncing right off.]

The Serpent-[whips his tail and knocks the machetes out of Minigan and Zac’s hands] Your puny knives are useless against me. Plus, I’m here to help you. I am the Mayan god Kukulkan.

http://www.epilogue.net/cgi/database/art/view.pl?id=56895

Now I know I’m high as shit.

[Zac pulls another machete out and tries to behead the serpent. It bounces off its neck and the serpent bites the blade off.]

Kukulkan- [in a slightly annoyed tone] You must get to the top of the Pyramid. Once there you will battle the Sun God. Defeat him and you will become gods yourselves. But be warned, this Pyramid was designed to prevent people from climbing to the top. Scaling it will be no easy tas-

Minigan- Wait a minute, Kuku…Cockol… Wait a minute, Comic-con, what do you mean by “become a god?” Will we get super powers?!

Kukukan- Perhaps. What are these “super powers?”

Zac- Dude. Superpowers? Fuck yes!

Minigan- Holyshit! I totally call being able to control electricity!

Zac- [to Kukulkan ] Wait, do we both get superpowers?

Kukulkan- If you both defeat the sun god, then yes.

Zac- [Zac’s face hardens and he looks from Kukulkan to Minigan] Sorry, Minigan, but I want to be the only god on Earth. I’m not sharing power with you.

Minigan-What?!?!

Zac- But look on the bright side, man, there is no way you’d be able to defeat the sun god since you’re made entirely out of flaccid penises. See ya!

[A giant eagle swoops in and picks up Zac, carrying him up to the top of the inexplicably growing pyramid. Several dark shapes form on the pyramid, monsters maybe, and swipe at Zac and the eagle. Then all the vertical and horizontal facings on the pyramid shift, creating a smooth slope to the top. ]
Penis Monster Minigan- [his floppy penis fingers fumbling for the plastic bag in his pockets] Damn it Zac!

[The eagle carrying Zac swoops back down to the ground and hovers over the serpent and the penisfied Minigan.

Zac-[calling down to the penis monster Minigan] Oh, and by the way, your penis fingers are way too big to fit into your pockets to get your bag of magic powder. That’s gotta really suck for you! Ha ha ha!
[Minigan looks down at his hands to see that his penis fingers are now at least eight inches each. He then looks over to Kukulkan who seems to be entertained by Minigan’s predicament.]

Minigan- Comic-con, help!

Kukulkan- I am not allowed to interfere.

Minigan- Look, I get it you have a rule you have to follow, but do you really want [pointing up to Zac] that douche nozzle to become a god like you? Is that something that you want to deal with for all eternity?

Kulkulkan- I think you would be just as bad as him, if not worse.

Minigan- Yeah, Comic-con? Well, snakes aren’t supposed to have feathers so you look real fucking ridiculous. [Calms himself down] What if I promise to never bother you and see to it that Zac doesn’t either? Will you help me then?

Kukulkan-[Thinks it over] Which pocket is the magic powder in?

Minigan- Good man-er-snake god. This pocket right here. [points to his front right pocket.]
[Kukulkan slides his tail into Minigan’s pocket and fishes out the powder. Minigan opens the baggie and dumps the contents into his mouth.]

Minigan- [after swallowing the last bit of powder] It’s fucking on now, Efron.

Kukulkan- Where did all the penises go?

Minigan- No time to explain. I am currently holding a rope that is attached to the Eagle Zac is riding up the pyramid. It’s going to tow me. [The rope tightens and begins to pull Minigan up the pyramid.] Thank you for your help, Comic-con!

[Zac is still laughing about dicking Minigan over, not knowing that Minigan is pyramid skiing up the pyramid, pouncing the shit out of Mayan monsters as they try and stop him from reaching the top. The eagle carrying Zac reaches the top, and without stopping, drops him off and dives over the opposite side of the pyramid. Seconds later, Minigan comes shooting up over the ledge of the pyramid, does a couple of midair somersaults and lands only feet away from Zac. The kidnapper and kidnapee, turned drug user and penis monster, turned allies, turned friends, turned rivals, glare at one another.

Minigan- [Shouts] Damn it Efron, if I wanted a celebrity to try and fuck me, I would have just given a massage to John Travolta.

Zac- How did you even get that bag of powder out of your pocket with those giant penis fingers I gave you, dude?!

Minigan- Zac, I’ve been getting high off of Olivia Wilde and Charlie Sheen for a while now. You’re gonna have to get pretty damn creative in order to stop me. I’ve learned a shit ton of methods to get things to go my way. But that isn’t important now. What’s important is the ass kicking of epic proportions that I’m about to lay down across your, well, ass.

Zac- [pulls out a lightsaber from its clip on his belt.] Bring it on, Blackwood. I’ll go The Empire Strikes back on you, bitch.

Minigan- [Smirks for a second, but then his expression goes serious and dark. He yells out to the air around him] I call upon my spirit animal; my guide, my kindred spirit. [a lightning storm begins overhead, sending long streaks of white light across the sky. Despite all the lighting, Minigan’s acid green aura begins to show. It radiates and pulses outward with each word he speaks.] I call upon lupus, o lýkos, el lopo, the mingan, the wolf. CHANGE ME INTO YOUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!

Zac- [to the large, jet black wolf now standing in front of him] What the fuck, Minigan?!

Wolf Minigan- Give me your best shot, Zaccy.

Zac- Alright, then I call upon my spirit animal and the natural enemy of the wolf, the velociraptor! CHANGE ME INTO YOUOARRRRRRRR!

Wolf Minigan- How can a velociraptor be the natural enemy of the wolf? They never coexisted at the same time!

Raptor Zac- Dude, are you going to fight me or what? Maybe instead of penises, I should have changed you into vaginas.

[Wolf Minigan leaps at Raptor Zac and manages to sink his fangs into the velociraptor’s neck before the raptor uses his claws to rip the wolf off. Despite bleeding heavily from the neck, the raptor pounces on the wolf and delivers a vicious bite to its side. The wolf yelps, but manages to free himself before any serious damage is done. He then jumps onto the velociraptor’s back and bites the neck once again. Neither animal notices that the altar in the center of the floor has begun to spin and glow. As they continue to fight, the altar is giving off a blinding white light which shoots up into the sky like a column of white fire. When it hits the clouds, they erupt into a fury of lightning strikes. From the swirling clouds descends a fiery orb. It follows the beam of light and once it reaches the altar, it grows into the form of a giant man bathed in fire.]

He’s probably mad because of how ugly he is.

Man on fire- Mortals, behold that your end has arrived. For I am the god of the sun, Kini-

Raptor Zac- Excuse me, dude, but can’t you see we’re having an epic battle right now?
Wolf Minigan- Yeah! You can give your speech and be on fire all you want when were done kicking each other’s asses and then kicking the ass of some stupid sun god.

Sun God- How dare you mortals speak to me this way! I am the sun god Kinich Ahau, and I shall crush you in the palm-

Wolf Minigan- Yeah, yeah, ok Knish Asia, you can crush us in the palm of your hand all you want later, but right now, the men have to settle their differences. [to Raptor Zac] Jeez this guy is both flaming and attention starved. He’s almost half as bad as Ryan Seacrest.

Raptor Zac- Boom! Nice one Wolf! Interspecies high five!

[The two of them high five. But then Kinich Ahau sends a blast of fire at them and knocks them both backward, and back into their human forms.]

Zac- Dude, what the fuck?

Minigan- Yeah, total dick move, bro.

Kinich Ahau- You arrogant mortals are going to fight me. Now.

Minigan- OK, Zac, it looks like we’re gonna have to stop fighting now and fight this needy asshole. [To Kinich Ahau] Jeez Knish Asia, you’re one self-obsessed pri- Oh, Jesus!

[Kinich Ahau hadoukens a blast of fire at Minigan, who narrowly avoids it.]
Minigan- [standing back up] Oh yeah, you fiery douche? Well, how about we hose you down? [lifts his hands and head to the sky] Sky! [the sky answers back with a low and ominous rumble of thunder] Give this “Knish Asia” here a drink.

[Everything goes still, and neither Zac, nor Kinich Ahau are sure what to do next. Minigan stands perfectly still, fists clenched, staring at Kinich. The silence is interrupted by a sudden rush of rain that sweeps across Chichen Itza and up the pyramid. The rain drops are large and abundant, and the three fighters are soaked within seconds. Taking this as his cue, Zac pulls a tomahawk out from behind him and throws it at Kinich Ahau. Despite his flawless aim, the tomahawk bounces of the god’s chest.]

Minigan- Our mortal weapons will be no use against a god, Zac. We’re gonna have to kill this man with our fists and the copious amounts of reality bending drugs in our systems. Which reminds me, [yells out to no one] Zac and I have our own magnetic fields.

[Kinich sends out another fiery blast which Minigan doesn’t bother to avoid, but it doesn’t get within two feet of him before it’s redirected by his magnetic field, creating an aurora borealis around him. Kinich stops, confused, which gives Minigan and Zac an opportunity to attack. Zac jumps on Kinich’s back and starts biting his neck. And while Kinich tries to pull Zac off, Minigan is repeatedly kicking him in the balls. Kinich finally manages to pull Zac off, and throws him at Minigan, sending the two humans almost over the edge. They both get up, and together charge at the god, tackling him. Kinich stays standing for a moment or so, but then topples backwards and down the slope of the pyramid, Zac and Minigan riding him like a sled.]

Kinich Ahau- You fools! If I touch the floor of Earth, then your world will cease to be! You have let me win!

Zac- NO! I wanted my superpowers! Minigan how did you not know this?!

Minigan- When the tablet said the sun god will crash to earth, I kind of figured that was what happened when he appeared.

Kinich Ahau- And because of your assumptions, I shall end the world! Ha ha ha ha!

Minigan- I don’t think so. [Yells to no one] None of this actually happened! This is all just a drug fueled fantasy!

[Nothing happened. The three of them are still sliding down the pyramid, the pouring rain making them move faster and faster towards the earth. Zac and Minigan close their eyes and wait for the end of the world.]

[Exterior. Midnight. The Luxor Hotel in Las Vegas. Three bloody and soaking wet men lay at the base of the pyramid, each sporting a series of bite and scratch marks. The man on the bottom, a security guard for the Luxor, is having trouble breathing and opening his swollen eyes. The two men on top of him roll off of him, groaning. A crowd of shocked on lookers begins to gather.]

Minigan- Fuck. That hurt worse that what I would have expected. [slowly stands up and surveys the crowd.] Zac, get up. We need to get out of here now.

Zac- [once he sees the gawkers, he stands up, and announces] Move along, nothing to see here. What? Can’t three dudes get slide down the Luxor hotel without people staring at them?

A man’s voice- That’s them! That’s them! [There is a rustling in the crowd, and a homeless man, his face wet with tears, pushes through with a reporter and camera man, both with TMZ name badges.] Those are the men who attacked me! They demanded that I tell them what the drawings on this napkin are. [holds out napkin] When I told them, they said that they didn’t believe me, and that they’d gut me if I didn’t tell the truth. BUT I WAS! The pictures on the napkin are of a chicken leg and a slice of pizza. Chicken Pizza! Chicken Pizza! [The homeless man broke into tears and collapsed into the TMZ reporter, who looked very uncomfortable with the situation.]

TMZ Reporter- Zac Efron, is it true that you assaulted this homeless man and threated his life?

Zac- No, dude, it’s OK. I didn’t know he was a homeless man at the time. I thought he was a Mayan, and I was trying to prevent the apocalypse!

TMZ Reporter- So you think it’s ok to beat up homeless people as long as you think they might be Mexican? Is that what you’re saying?

Zac- No, man! That’s totally not what I meant!

Minigan- [to Zac, whispers] Don’t worry, I’ll handle this. Play along. [to the crowd and the reporter] It’s true! We did beat up and threaten that homeless man thinking that he was a dirty, dirty Mexican!

Zac- Dude…

Minigan- But I have one more thing to confess! This [ushering to Zac] is not actually Zac Efron! No! This is an imposter! An imposter whose identity will be learned now! The imposter is [Minigan strides back to Zac, grabs some of Zac’s neck skin and pulls. With ease the mask comes off] Jeremy Piven!

“I also like to dress like a Mexican when I beat them up.”- Jeremy Piven

[The crowd gasps in horror. One woman screams and then faints, and a man throws up into his hands]

Jeremy Piven- [understanding what Minigan meant by play along] That’s right, I am celebrity Jeremy Piven, and I love beating up homeless Mexicans. But this man [Points to Minigan] isn’t just some crazy nobody! This is actually [pulls at Minigan’s neck skin and removes the mask] Chelsea Handler?

Classic drunk off her ass Chelsea

Chelsea Handler- Woo! That’s right I love getting drunk and into fights with people that I think are Mexican! [takes a swig from the vodka bottle in her hand. After she swallows, she points to Jeremy Piven] I fucking love this douchebag! [She hugs him, but he pushes her off]

Jeremy Piven- Ugh, you smell like Russian vomit.

Chelsea Handler- And you smell like a soulless Hollywood prick! WOO!

[Exterior. Hollywood theater lot. Zac Efron and Minigan Blackwood creep right outside of Zac’s trailer.]
Zac- Bro, I’m confused. Did any of what I remember from last night actually happen, or did we alter reality to the point that none of it was real?

Minigan- Well, the Mayan thing stopped being real once we were in Las Vegas, but then we turned ourselves into other celebrities, so that stopped being the real us, which made the Mayan thing real again. Honestly, we just needed something to keep Knish Asia from hitting the ground. And we did just that. [nods his head over to the Camaro with the sun god tied to the roof.] Right now, the world is safe.

Zac- What are you going to do with him?

Minigan- Well, I’m first going to shrink him to the size of a Barbie doll, and then I’m going to launch him into outer space. I’m thinking I’ll send him back into the sun, where he belongs.

Zac- Dude, won’t he die?

Minigan- He just tried to end the world, why should we care about that?

Zac- Good point. [after a brief period of silence] I have another question about the whole “Jeremy Piven and Chelsea Handler posing as us” thing. If that wasn’t really us, then how did their story go down?
Minigan- Well, their story was pretty similar to ours… They probably got really high and thought that the adventure we had was actually theirs.

Zac- I’m sure they’ll be feeling the effects of that this morning.

Minigan- Actually no. It is actually the same morning that we set out for Mexico. I time traveled us back here.

Zac- Why?

Minigan- Well, this will be a smooth transition for you, because we haven’t left yet. And also now we can see the shit that Jeremy and Chelsea get into in real time.

Zac- What do you mean we haven’t left yet?

Minigan- I’ll let him answer for me [a second, much less battle worn Minigan appeared right next to Zac, making him jump away. The second Minigan winks at the first Minigan, and then bursts through the trailer door.]

Zac- My head hurts.

Minigan- Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you. Coming down from Olivia Wilde and Charlie Sheen is a bitch. You are going to feel like you are going to die for, like, two days. Nothing except hiding away in your house with all the blinds closed is going to help.

Zac- [beginning to feel the effects of the drugs wearing off] Damnit. Really dude?

Minigan- Really, dude. And since you were a bastard and changed me into a penis monster twice, you’re going to be a giant pussy for the entire duration of you coming off of those drugs. That’s gonna really suck for you! Anyway, I need to get going. I need to shrink this Mayan god and keep him off of the ground until sometime tomorrow when it’s safe to launch him into space. See ya, Zaccy Effs! [Gets into the Camaro and drives off]

Zac the Giant Vagina- Damn you, Minigan Blackwood!

The End???

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7 Comments

  1. haha I think I might love your mind. I write satire as well but I love this!

  2. […] try this turkey’s gravy.” Plus, this Penis-Hand Turkey reminds me of my blog post about how I prevented the Mayan apocalypse, so there is also a nostalgia factor to it […]

  3. […] take the blame. Jimmy- But Beiber’s dead, so some good came out of it. Zac- Shut up, Jimmy. Minigan Kidnapped me, force fed me drugs, took me to Mexico, turned into a wolf and fought me, and t… Jimmy- You got what you deserved, you friend stealing twat. Zac- I didn’t steal your friend! […]

  4. […] She rolled her eyes (what a bitch) and headed back to the house. She and Matt entered, and I stood there, one hundred yards from what was possibly the gates of Hell, when I realized that I was all alone. Before I knew it, I was sprinting back to the house, thinking to myself, they’ll probably need my help anyway. I am  the only one who has fought immortal monsters before. […]

  5. […] is a sequel to an earlier post. You might want to read that […]


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