Creepiest Things People Have Googled to Get to This Blog

Last week (the 13th if you want to be specific) marked the 3 year anniversary of this blog. And none of you ungrateful bastards got me anything. I’m hurt. Anyway, since it’s been three years, I thought I’d do a little bit of a look back on some things that disturb me about how people make it to my blog. Namely, Google Searches. You should already be afraid.

Corrie Loftin
This one is probably only creepy for me because I didn’t know who the hell Corrie Loftin is. Every time I saw the name, I said to myself, “Who is this Corrie Loftin dude, and why is everybody looking for him on my blog?” Well, as it turns out there is a very good reason why people have been searching for Corrie on my blog, and that reason is this:

Damn!

Holy shit! THAT is Corrie Loftin?!?! How did I not know this? But this totally makes sense- I mean, of course people would choose that picture. She’s gorgeous and in a bikini. They would have to be blind to choose a different picture. It’s also pretty fitting that I use this picture of her for the “A girlfriend” entry on my Christmas list. So, what do you say, Corrie, will you be my girlfriend?

Yvonne Strahovski (or any other female celebrity) naked
This one is only the generic level of creepiness expected from internet users. And it’s not like I don’t have scantily clad pictures of female celebrities, so it’s understandable that I get that kind of traffic. But it still makes me feel dirty. It kind of makes me a smut peddler. Granted, my blog is pretty smutty, but it’s not so much sexual smut as it is comedy smut. So when I see my blog stats showing me how people come to my blog to stare at famous boobs and not understand the context of it all, it makes me uncomfortable. Visit my blog for my content, fellas, not my assets.

My abs are epic
This might not sound so bad, until you see what comes up in the search results:

Holy shit! The top line, the picture to the far right. Holy hell! I am the first people with pretty decent abs in this search. That’s me. Jesus Christ, I’m Internet famous!
Wait a minute… People have been clicking on this picture- after searching for “My abs are epic”- which means that they were looking for a guy with good abs to look at. Oh god, I am being ogled by Internet perverts! Is this how porn stars feel all the time? I don’t like it. It doesn’t feel clean.

Big floppy dildo
This search term is different from the rest in 2 very different ways: 1. it’s the only one I stumbled upon myself instead of me looking at my Blog stats, and 2. the results of the search are so innocent that it makes me wonder if the Internet is an inverted version of reality.
Let me explain how I discovered this one. Despite what you may suspect of me, I was not Googling “big floppy Dildo for personal reasons, but for last week’s blog post. This is what I saw on page one of Google Image search:

Note the distinct lack of big floppy dildos. You really don’t get into the fake dicks until page 9. And once you get down to page 11, you see a thumbnail of this picture:

Sorry, Kate, but I kinda just made it worse by adding this picture under the entry, “Big floppy dildo” and then writing it in the caption. My bad.

That’s the picture of Kate Beckinsale from a blog post about a month ago. In case you have not read that post, I make fun of Celebrities that are better looking than me, but at no point do I call Kate Beckinsale a big floppy dildo. Or any kind of dildo, for that matter. The reason it showed up is because I make fun of Ryan Reynolds’ Green Lantern Movie and call it a flop. What the fuck, Google?
…You know what? I don’t think I took it off Google Safe search. Let’s try again without it on. Sorry folks, you are not getting a pic of this. Do it yourselves if you want to see it so bad…
Oh, my God. WALL OF BOOBIES!!!!! Now that was fun and all, but even turning off the safe search filter did not produce me more pictures of dildos. In fact, I think there was even less pictures of dildos than when the safe search was on moderate. Really, What the fuck, Google?

Ugly gay dude
This one’s just plain weird. Other than Perez Hilton, everyone knows that ugly gay guys don’t exist. They’re like unicorns, or Pegasus, only more associated with rainbows. But why are people searching for this? What exactly are their motives? Is the person searching for ugly gay guys a woman who has a weird fetish for unattractive men who like men? Is this a gay man with really low standards? Or is this some douche bag that needs to find a picture of an ugly gay dude for a blog that only he and a few other selected demented individuals find funny? But if it’s that true, then why did this loser come to my blog. After all, I’m nothing like that douche bag, and my blog is quality entertainment for the entire family!

Chicken Fuck
I refuse to Google search this one. I’d deserve to be put onto a Government watch list if that is one of my search terms in Google Images. My best theory is that at some point I used a picture of the guy from South Park who had sex with chickens to teach Officer Barbrady how to read. And that’s the theory I’m sticking with, goddamn it.
Money Shot
For the life of me, I cannot remember using the phrase “money shot” at any point in my three years of me writing in this blog. I’m not saying it’s impossible, mind you, only that I don’t remember using it. In what blog post would I talk about money shots? My post about what I should rename my penis? The one where I hypothesize that I’m actually a robot from the future? One of my Awesomesquad! Assemble!, “Lenten Facebook Challenge,” or “American Douchebag’s guide to Europe” posts? Really, where is this search term coming from? It’s a mystery that involves a very specific shot of pornography, which is actually an old CSI episode. I guess I could solve the mystery and just Google it myself, but after all the things I’ve Googled for this blog over the past three years, I just know that the folks at Google think that I am the most twisted, most sexually deranged person alive.

Kim Kardashian is Gross


Ha! Like this needs actual Googling. Everyone already just kind of knows that Kim Kardashian is gross. Although, in her defense, Kim’s mom, Kris (really) is at least 10 times as gross and pathetic as Kim is. But someone still Googled this as if they didn’t know, and that is both sad and terrifying. I hope they were just looking for the Entertainment Weekly cover that asks just how Gross Kim Kardashian really is. What’s creepy about this is that there is someone out there who might not be so sure of Kim’s Grossness so they went to the web to find out for sure. And the do this research, completely ignoring the best example of her being gross is her sister, who is clearly one of the last of the race of giants. And also the sex tape, but that’s just a given.
Hypnotic ass
Hey, speaking of Kim Kardashian, have you seen her ass? It’s pretty nice. However, if you’re one of the people that got to my blog via Google image search for “hypnotic ass,” then you already have seen the picture below. Also, welcome to my blog, funny pervert!

Classic Kim! With her wondrous hypno-booty, of course people were clicking on the picture. But let’s think about this for a second. They weren’t looking for a “nice ass” or a “fine ass” or even a “hot ass,” but a “hypnotic ass.” Why? Does someone really want to see an ass that they literally cannot look away from? Are they planning on using the hypnotic ass to control people? Have I just stumbled upon the plot of some kind of butt-themed super-villain? Will anyone answer these questions?!

Window Prostitute
This one is Googled pretty often for some reason. My guess is that people want to know if it’s real. Well it is, and I have the picture to prove it:

They do exist!

So of course people are going to get to my blog because I actually have evidence of prostitutes selling their bodies from behind glass doors. But is this really something that so many people should be looking for? That cannot be a good thing. The hooker in the picture above is lucky that you cannot make out her face, because that would be so embarrassing. Especially since so many people are looking at it. But then again, she is a dirty whore so she is probably dead inside anyway.

Siamese Twin Porn
For those of you who don’t know (AKA the ones who still have their souls), there is a type of niche porn called “the ultimate taboo” which is essentially when twins have sex with each other. I learned the term recently, which only just gave a name to something that Rule 34 promised me existed. I mention all this not to give you a hint to my sexual preferences (accurate as it may be), but to point out how fucked up this search term is. Think about it: Siamese twins are twins that are connected by some part of their bodies. This isn’t all that common, so back in the day when freak shows were both inoffensive and profitable attractions, Siamese twins were something fun to gawk at. Now add in the concept of twins having sex on camera for the erotic entertainment of perverts all over the world, and you get this search term. You also create something beyond the ultimate taboo, and you break the internet’s morality barrier. Way to go creeps.

Jew Killer
This one freaks me out a little bit. Why are people doing Google searches for a Jew Killer? Are they fellow Jew Killers? I don’t want that kind of traffic. That will be bad for business if my core fan base is Anti-Semites. Or what if the people looking up Jew Killer are bad ass Jews who want to fight some Jew Killers. This is even worse! I don’t want to fight Jews! If I lose then I got my ass kicked, but if I win then there’s no way people won’t believe that I committed a hate crime. It’s a lose/ lose situation for me, and I don’t like it.
Besides, the only reason I used the phrase “Jew Killer” was to describe Jibbles, who is neither a Jew Killer nor a supporter of Jew killing; I just thought it would be a funny nick name. Please don’t kill him or try to get him to join your Jew killing ways. And if you are a part of that “Pro- Jew murder” group, please stop visiting my blog. I don’t want your support. But congratulations on figuring out that “fancy porn viewin’ box.”

Tommy Lee Penis/ Steven Tyler Naked
Gross. Really, internet? These are search terms you want to exist? I get the reason there are so many searches for naked female celebrities on my site- those women are attractive and desirable. But Tommy Lee and Steven Tyler?! Jesus Christ, Internet, you might as well add Iggy Pop and every member of the Rolling Stones to make your weird fetish for drug worn, irrelevant rockers. And I’m pretty sure there have been some scientific studies done about looking at a video of Tommy Lee’s dick and getting hepatitis by proxi.

;

OK, I’m done. If you still want to get me something for me for my bloggerversary, how about you share this blog with your friends and help make me internet famous. Well, internet famous for my writing ability, not for my hot body.

Peace, y’all!

Advertisements

5 Comments

  1. Sorry about the BIG FLOPPY DILDO. That was me.

    • Thank you for your honesty. And your comment wins as my favorite comment on my blog. Congratulations! You don’t actually win anything other than my respect. And that doesn’t account for much. Sorry.

      • I appreciate your respect. Being a big, floppy dildo aficionado doesn’t bring in the kudos one might expect.

      • And that’s a damned shame. This world is so unfair sometimes.

  2. I clicked on this article from the twin search. But it was a “does it exist?” kind of search.


Comments RSS TrackBack Identifier URI

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

  • I am this popular!

    • 93,978 hits
  • Blast from the Past!

    August 2012
    S M T W T F S
    « Jul   Sep »
     1234
    567891011
    12131415161718
    19202122232425
    262728293031  
  • The Vault