To be read at my Funeral/ Wake/ Memorial Service/ Execution

Is it just me, or are tombstones the most metal way to celebrate someone’s death?

To my Friends/ Loved ones/ Coworkers/ Esteemed enemies/ Fellow inmates/ my douchebag of a brother, as I hope you have realized, I am currently dead. That’s why my corpse is somewhere in this room and this Friend/ family member/ coworker/ prison guard/ random filthy hobo [being payed for reading this with booze] is reading this to you all. [note to the reader: do not read what’s in the brackets. Those are notes specifically for you. However, you must read everything else in this letter. Every word. I want to let you know that my spirit is in this room, watching you and making sure you do this right. If you don’t, I’ll haunt the shit out of you.]

By now, it should have become abundantly clear that I have failed at my attempt at immortality. To the families of the people whose souls I tried to steal: My bad. I totally thought that would work. If you are expecting any kind of repercussion for me, I would like to point out that I’m dead, and that I had successfully avoided such repercussions. So, in your face, grieving families.[do the Jersey Shore Fist pump here. DO IT! I swear to God that if you don’t do the fist pump, I’ll be the most annoying ghost to ever haunt you.]

I know that you must be going through a hard time with all of this. The weight of the pure sorrow and despair in your hearts must make every heartbeat an unbearable sting. You’re currently standing at the edge of a precipice in time; everything behind you is bright and filled with happy memories of me, like that time you caught me trying to suck the soul out of a person with a vacuum cleaner hose. Yet, everything ahead of you in your life is a swirling vortex of crushing depression, simultaneously making you feel like your heart could explode and collapse in upon itself at any moment. And all these feelings come from the fact that I am no longer around to give you laughs/ unwavering loyalty/ amazing, totally true stories (I swear I released the Kraken!)/ an enemy to fight against/ someone to lead prison riots/ someone to go to Slayer concerts with you because your friends hate you. But you must fight on! Just because I’m gone, it doesn’t mean you have to put a hold on your currently obsolete lives! You need to fight! You need to be strong! You… probably need to clone me. I’m not going to bullshit you; I cannot imagine what life will be like without me there, because I was your whole world, so I can only assume that all of you will probably commit suicide out of sheer boredom. So, yeah. Clone me. You have my body (or what’s left of it) right here. Just take a chunk of my ear, or maybe a patch of my skin, ship it off to some crazy Euro-science wizard place like Hogwarts or CERN and bake yourselves up a fresh clone of me. Hell, make multiple clones of me. That way each of you can have your own private Minigan Blackwood to make memories with. This is an awesome idea. Do it. [Note to reader: Granted, if my clones should ever meet, there is no way we wouldn’t team up to take over the world, but don’t tell them that. For real, speak none of what I just wrote here. If you do, I will leave ghost-poops in your bed.]

You know you want this to happen for real.

On the off chance none of you want dozens of Minigans scampering about like long haired, chocolate and booze fueled gremlins, then I hope that all of you find a way to fill the void that I left in your hearts by selfishly dying and not taking any of you with me. And please, do not harbor any hard feelings towards the dozens of innocent/ probably evil people I took with me. They will spend eternity in either Heaven or Hell without me, as I fully plan on staying here on Earth, haunting the person reading this if he/she doesn’t read exactly what I’ve written down here. [Note to reader: Why did you even choose to read this. How did you not know where this was headed? Do you even know me?] If you want, I can visit all of you in your dreams, like Freddy Kruger, except less facial deformities and scarring and 100% more nude. All of you are welcome. Of course, there will be a fee for me to do this, so once I figure out how transactions between the living and the dead work [Note to reader: virgin sacrifice maybe?] I will start up the dream invading.
But in all honesty, the dream invading sounds pretty dumb, right? Doesn’t it make the cloning idea better? I personally think that is a more realistic option. I don’t even know if I’m able to hijack people’s dreams. I know that I can possess people [Note to Reader: Like I’ll do to you if you don’t read everything I tell you and if you read the things I tell you not to read. Like this.], but infiltrating dreams? I seriously doubt I can do that. That doesn’t mean that I won’t try to hijack people’s dreams, mind you, it just means that I don’t think it will be in my haunting wheelhouse. And let’s be honest here: it’s not likely that those clones will be totally like me. They will have to have some different personality traits. Afterall, it won’t have the same memories or sense of humor that I have. Trust me on this. I tried it and it was a complete fiasco. It was too busy calling me “demented and immoral” to realize how ferociously funny I am. That’s why I had to kill him. With this knife. [Note to Reader: show them the knife. You know which one.]
I know that sounds like a bit of a downer, the clone not being exactly like me, but trust me, it will work out better for you guys. First of all, cloning technology is much more efficient and easier now (whenever this is) than when I originally cloned myself in 2010. Also, I’ve been sending copies of my brain waves that map memories and personality traits to CERN so that the scientists can create a more accurate clone of me. They aren’t perfect, of course, but they are certainly close enough for my standards. [Note to Reader: Certainly close enough for me to possess them and have a new soul host.] So wipe away your tears! Leave this church/ cemetery/ morgue/ prison and leave the lump of meat that was once me behind you! For once you send in a piece of my DNA (along with a $30,000 cloning fee) I will be with you again. And this time I’ll never leave you, because this time I will have unlocked the secret of immortality. Be joyous because my second coming is close at hand! [Note to reader: You’ll want to make sure that they do go ahead and make a clone of me. If you don’t, I’ll possess your body instead. Get on that.]

What are you all waiting for? Cut off pieces of my flesh and mail them to CERN.

Also, Peace.

Minigan Douglas Blackwood: Currently Deceased Doctor of Awesome

1 Comment

  1. Yay my very own minigan blackwood! sweet.
    Although ghost poop would be hysterical. 🙂

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