The Chick TV Show That Every Guy Needs to Watch

So, my blog is (for reasons unknown to me) pretty popular with women. I think this is great, but I’ve always considered men my age to be my target demographic. That’s why this week I’m going to talk about the ABC Family show, Pretty Little Liars. No! Men, don’t leave!

No thank you, Mr. Blackwood. I’m just going to take my big gun and go home.

Pretty Little Liars, for you men who don’t have a sister/ girlfriend/ effeminate boyfriend (I’m not here to judge) who watches the show while you’re around, is a murder mystery/ high school dramathon for women. I want all of you to focus on the murder mystery aspect of this because it is absolutely crucial in you understanding why you should watch it. But before I get to that, let me introduce you to the main characters.

First off, we have the sexy piece of jail-bait and perpetually confused looking Aria:

She’s probably wondering what her weird ass name means.

Then there’s the kind of lanky, but still totally hot piece of jail-bait Spencer:

Can I take back that “Lanky” comment and replace it with, “Sexually aggressive?”

Our third main character is Hanna, who looks a lot like Tara Reid:

“I do not look like a washed up whore.”

Then there’s Emily, the Lesbian:

Did I mention that she’s an incredibly hot lesbian?

And last but not least, the very hot, total bitch of a best friend to the other four girls, and the one who ends up getting her ass murdered, Alison:

You just know that she knows she’s a horrific bitch.

Yes, Alison is the murder victim. Don’t worry, that isn’t supposed to be a surprise. That is pretty much given to you before the opening credits. And this is important to know because someone is stalking the other four girls, using Alison’s nickname, A, as their name. This “A” seems to know everything about the four girls, from the secrets that Alison knew (like how another hot chick named Jenna went blind) to the new ones that had come up since Alison’s disappearance.

This brings me to my first point. This really girly show with really girly drama has a pretty damn good murder mystery in it. Let’s look at this mystery. So fellas, Alison and the other girls are having a slumber party right before the start of their sophomore year of high school. When the four girls wake up, Alison is gone. Fast forward to a year later, Aria, Hannah, Emily and Spencer begin to receive texts from someone who knows all of their secrets, someone who only identifies themselves as A.

A, to put it simply, is bat-shit crazy good at stalking people. Here is a shot from the second season, where she left a single box of Alfa-bits for Emily to find that was filled with only the letter A and a note.

Seriously, this is expert level crazy. Heath Ledger’s Joker couldn’t fuck with this.

Holy shit. Just think of how much forethought that would take. You would have to know that Emily likes Alpha-bits, that she would want Alpha-bits that day, and even what box of Alpha-bits she would grab or be given. And while that may be the most extreme instance of stalking from A, this mystery person has a treasure trove of fucked up ways to torment these girls, like giving each a doll that commands them to ruin the lives of their loved ones, or replace their take out with earthworms, or making custom fortune cookies for the girls, or giving a massage to Emily without Emily realizing it, or breaking into their houses on a regular basis.

Unfortunately for the girls, they are kind of idiots (teenagers, Am I right?!) and instead of going directly to the police to tell them about their blackmailer who may have played a role in their friend’s death, they decide to not tell a soul and deal with this problem on their own.

Granted, it’s probably for the best, seeing as though the police in the town they live in are both corrupt and just plain terrible at their jobs. In the first episode, Hannah is caught shoplifting sunglasses, and her mom has sex with the one of the officers just to get the charges off Hannah. Not only is that bribery, I think that counts as prostitution as well. But not only that, these four girls were brought in for questioning multiple times and not once did the police think to check their cellphones for clues. They don’t even think to check the phone records. Hell, a season 2 flashback of Alison shows that she was smart enough to think of that. That means that a 15 year old girl is more adept at solving crimes than the entire police force of this town.

But all of this is why PLL is a great mystery. Alison, as you see through the flashbacks, is a ruthless bitch that treated everyone like shit, and held dark secrets of all her friends. But she is also disturbingly intelligent and had a knack for blackmail. Everyone, including her friends, had a reason to want her dead. Plus, her murder would be easy enough to pull off, since the police force in Rosewood in staffed with drooling idiots. This means that the girls have to solve the mystery on their own, without help from their parents or law enforcement. It’s like Harry Potter but with more murder, less magic, and more sexy underage girls… So it’s like a better version of Harry Potter.

And speaking of sexy underage girls- Men, I’m sure you all know the phrase: “High school girls are great because I keep getting older, but they stay the same age.” Well the town of Rosewood Pennsylvania takes that phrase and turns it into a way of life. In the first episode alone, there is one count of statutory rape, a referenceto when a college student made out with a high school student, and an implied future relationship between that same high school student and a goddamn medical student. And none of that is counting all the spying on teenage girls that goes on in that town. Oh, and that count of statutory? That was between a student and a new teacher. In the teacher’s defense, the high school student he boned did have a fake ID with her at the bar she was drinking at. However, the fact that he continued the relationship well into the second season kind of negates that. And sure, all these guys are in their twenties, so the age difference isn’t that bad, but it still crosses that age of consent line.

What I’m getting at here is that we men should watch this show simply because, let’s be honest, we all have those fantasies about getting with hot high school student, but we all know what those implications would be. We’d all get fucking arrested. But that isn’t a threat in Rosewood. It’s like the age of consent is two years earlier in this small town. Actually, no. It isn’t like the age of consent is lower; the age of consent has to be lower. It’s the only thing that makes sense. That’s the only way that that amount of relationships with minors could possible without the federal government starting to test the tap water for contaminants that could be causing this.

Dudes, I’m not going to sit here and lie to you and say that girl things and drama are not part of the show. They definitely are. Many episodes play out more like a soap opera rather than a murder mystery. But you have to make it through those episodes. After all, we’re men. We muscle through things, whether it be Russian Winters or really big hamburgers, we fucking fight to the end. And besides, it’s not like women have the market cornered on drama bullshit. Every single Crime Drama on CBS is filled with that garbage. If you ever watch a crime drama that has one male and one female lead, you know that at some point they’re going to bone. No pun intended, Bones.

Actually, I found that humerus.

And sure those shows have lots of shooting and explosions that feed our manly appetite for death and destruction, but that’s because those are action dramas. PLL is a mystery drama. There’s a difference, bros.
So I guess what I’m getting at is give the damn show a chance, fellas. I know that it’s targeted for younger women, but there’s stuff for us guys too. And If you’re a fan of mysteries as I am, then you can at least appreciate the mystery oriented episodes enough to tolerate the drama ones.
Also, did I mention that there’s a lot of scenes of girls kissing.

A lot of girls kissing.

;

Peace. Peace you so hard.

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