My Many Failed Attempts to Draw Thanksgiving Hand Turkeys

Guys, I have a confession to make. I know that all of you think that I am perfect, and while that is nearly the case, It is not completely true. Yes, despite my good looks, my rockin’ bod, my intellect, my writing ability, and my enchanting singing voice, I do have one failing. That failing is drawing hand turkeys. I’m telling you this now because Thanksgiving is a mere two days away, and I’d be thankful if you guys didn’t make such a huge fucking deal about it.

For those of you who don’t know what a hand turkey is, I’d like to apologize for your terrible and joyless childhood. Really, just how awful were your parents and teachers?  You should probably go have a talk with them about it. But until you do, Hand turkeys are an arts and crafts project done by children around thanksgiving to celebrate the animal we are going to roast and devour. You create them by tracing your hand onto a sheet of paper, drawing a beak, an eye, and a turkey’s neck-scrotum (does anybody know what those red dangly bits are called?) onto the thumb, and then coloring it in with fall colors. Here’s an example of what one looks like. No, I didn’t draw this one, you insensitive dicks.

This person is an artist at hand turkeys, which is both impressive and sad at the same time.

 

Unfortunately, I can never draw a hand turkey that amazing. It’s just never going to happen. And to prove it to all of you, I’ve posted many of my own attempts at drawing this tricky finger-fowl. I am posting them here in confidence that you will respect my sensitivity on this subject and not criticize me for my shameful attempt to draw such a clearly difficult animal. Here are some of my pathetic attempts to draw hand turkeys:

 

Aww! This one reminds me of a depressing, yet genetically feasible Catdog. They clearly don’t want to be attached anymore, but sadly for them, their only escape is in the bony hands of death.

 

 

AHH! Get it away! Get it away! Please, someone, make the screaming stop! WHY WON’T THE SCREAMING STOP!!!!

 

 

OK. I’m beginning to see a pattern emerge. It’s not that I cannot draw my hand or that I cannot draw the turkey’s face, but that I get a little confused on the minor details of it all. The first one had both hands drawn on top of one another, and on this one, I clearly moved my hand at one point, giving this turkey four extra plumage feathers. Then there’s the second one where I nailed the hand part, but instead of a turkey’s face, I drew a face of unlimited horrors. I need to find the balance between those two…

 

 

Damn it! I was so close! I almost had drawn the perfect hand turkey, but then I got the feet all wrong. These feet look like poorly drawn pitchforks instead of normal birds feet. Oh, and there’s also the whole part about the turkey looking like it did a bunch of psychedelic drugs and then got it’s neck and feathers caught in a taffy puller. This is the first happy looking turkey, though, so you have to at least give me credit for that.

 

 

I don’t even know what happened here. I think I just got so excited that I was making some kind of progress that I couldn’t keep my fidgety hand still long enough to draw this one correctly. Luckily for you, I was able to label (Heh, that rhymes) each finger so that you aren’t confused. You’re welcome, readers.

 

 

Well, this one is technically in the spirit of Thanksgiving isn’t it? What with all the murder we caused to get where we are today, and of course the slaughter of countless turkeys in this celebration of gluttony… Oh, wow do I sound like a no-good, filthy hippy. Truthfully, I love eating turkey. In fact, every year I have to be locked in a room away from the turkey because if I see it, I will take a bite out of it and declare myself the king of Thanksgiving. I’ve ruined so many family get togethers. But all of that is beside the point; what I should mention here is that, even though this one is really close to what I was trying to draw, I’m still not quite there yet. Let’s keep looking…

 

 

And somehow, I’ve regressed again. Are those supposed to be extra turkey necks jutting out of the back of the main turkey’s head? What kind of water treatment plant was that turkey raised near? And do you think the extra turkey necks will make the gravy extra delicious?

 

 

Oh wow. I don’t even know how to feel about this one. A hand turkey made entirely out of penises is on the one hand (no pun intended) hilarious, but on the other hand, really creepy and gross. I bet it would taste bad too. But then again, think of all the gravy, basting, and stuffing jokes that you can make with this. For instance, “You don’t want to try this turkey’s gravy.” Plus, this Penis-Hand Turkey reminds me of my blog post about how I prevented the Mayan apocalypse, so there is also a nostalgia factor to it too.

 

 

This one… Well, this one is probably the best so far. It’s clearly a hand turkey. There’s nothing weird going on with the fingers. Nothing is shaped like a dick. I think I’ll go ahead and call it early, but this one is my pick as the winner. There wasn’t really a contest, but This turkey just seems to have the attitude of a winner. He’s all up in your stupid face about how he don’t care. I respect that when it comes from creatures I eat.

 

 

What kind of turkey am I looking at? Is it two turkeys fused together at the neck? Is it a moose with really tiny eyes on it’s antlers? But then how does that explain the feet? Maybe we’re just looking at some freak bird from above.

And on a side note, I don’t even know how I drew this one. With my mouth, maybe? Maybe I’m telekinetic and forgetful. Or maybe I had someone draw my hands for me. Well, whatever the case maybe, it gave me a good idea. As you may have noticed, all of the previous hand turkeys were drawn with my left hand. But the thing is, I’m right handed. Maybe if I switch to drawing my left hand with my right I’ll have better luck.

 

 

Gah! I’m getting so close! This one was almost perfect until I got the holidays mixed up. I’m so stupid! Arrgh!!!

On a side note, the Jack-O-Turkey really doesn’t seem to appreciate the fact that I mixed up the holidays, either.

 

 

This hand turkey looks like a creature you’d find in Lewis Carroll’s Wonderland. Maybe this is a Jabberwock. Do you think it can uncurl it’s face? What possible function would that serve? I doubt it would be useful for foraging. Hmm… Maybe it uncurls it’s face to attract a member of the opposite sex. OR maybe if you blow up it’s butt they uncurl like those party favors. That might sound gross, but that would be the greatest party noise maker ever. You know I’m right about that.

 

 

No lie, I may have dropped acid when I drew this one. And look at the bird’s eyes. He’s experiencing some weird shit too. I wonder if he saw where the gorilla who stole my pants ran off too. I would ask him, but all this turkey does is mutter about how every atom is it’s own galaxy and how all of our souls are one soul. Stupid hippy turkey.

 

 

Oh, not cool, hand turkey, not cool. We were all just enjoying this blog at my expense when you had to ruin it and dress up like a clan member. If you wanted to make a joke about white people, why did’t you dress up as a Hand Jive-Turkey? This is seriously not funny at all. And where did that burning cross come from?! I swear I didn’t draw that! That’s it. I give up. I don’t care if I cannot draw hand turkeys. This isn’t cool, and I wash my hands of the whole thing.

Have a happy (and hopefully racist free) Thanksgiving.

Oh, and this is my 97th post, which means I only have two more to go before My 100th Blog Post Spectacular! You might want to read up on all of my old stuff- Just sayin’.

Peace on Earth… and on my foot.

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6 Comments

  1. Well, here in Romania we don’t celebrate Thanksgiving but when I was a kid I used to draw my hand, but I only did it to color my nails in different colours. Did that count?!Just kidding. Anyway, since Thanksgiving is just few days away, I wish you a Happy Thanksgiving! PS: Your blog is awesome:D:P Bye!

  2. I hate to disagree with you….but your hand turkey skills are not as bad as you are trying to report. Stop trying to be like the rest of us by minimizing your talents or trying to appear ‘average’ in some way. It’s just a pitiful attempt. Stop it.

  3. I liked this only because you’re a completely self-absorbed douchebag who suffers from self assured delusions of grandeur…like me. Only difference is I’m the real deal where you’re still showing off your failures rather than focusing on joining my fan club and learning to truly do something worthwhile with your hand.


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