A Romantic Proposition to Jennifer Lawrence

Hello, Jennifer, I hope you’re doing well. Actually, I am pretty sure you are doing well, what with your new movie, “The Silver Lining’s Playbook” receiving positive reviews and the fact that you are the one of the most sought after actresses in Hollywood. But more importantly, you are the most sought after woman in my heart.

Dawww!!!

As you may have noticed by the title of this post and by the last sentence in the opening paragraph, I have quite the fancy towards you, J-Lawr. Do you mind if I call you J-Lawr? Comment below if you do mind. Actually, comment either way, because that way I’ll feel validated and will be able to rub it in a few choice faces on Facebook. Anyway, yes, I think you’re great. And I don’t even mean that just because you are gorgeous, which you are. I mean that you, as a person, are great. I can tell by how you act in real life. You are modest and sincere, and just completely charming. Plus, the fact that you always play strong female characters (Ree from Winter’s Bone, Mistique from X-Men: First Class, Katniss Everdeen in The Hunger Games, Tiffany from Silver Linings Playbook). Sure the characters are flawed, but what person isn’t; your characters are relatable because they are strong despite being imperfect. And every imperfect person can relate to those characters. Well, everyone other than you. You’re perfect… Actually, I am (for this blog post’s purposes) perfect too. See! We’re both perfect! We are meant to be together!

Let me tell you about the first time I set my eyes upon you as a person, not as a character. See, in 2010, I watched Winter’s Bone. My mom had rented it, because renting a DVD was still acceptable in those days, and I just happened to be around to watch it with her. When I saw it, I was impressed with your acting ability as well as your ability to take a punch:

Did Peeta do this to you?! Tell me! I’ll take care of him!

But the real shock came Oscar night, when I saw what you look like in real life. I was amazed to how beautiful you are. Your stunning beauty made me completely unable to speak, which is normally impossible if you believe my friends, family members, enemies, acquaintances, and strangers I pass on the street. However, despite my shock at your aforementioned attractiveness, what really got me about you was the look on your face. You didn’t look smug. You didn’t look like you were expecting the Oscar. You didn’t look half-heartedly amused, self-entitled, or pompous; you looked grateful. You seemed to be just excited to be there at all. It didn’t look like you cared if you won, because being nominated was enough of a win for you. So yes, I did realize that you were beautiful (I’m still trying to figure out how I missed that sort of thing when I watched Winter’s Bone), but I also realized that you were actually an amazing person. You weren’t like those other, self-obsessed actresses, and that’s when I fell for you.

Of course, over the next few years I was able to disguise my desire to see your work as other things: “Oh man,” I would say, “That new X-Men movie sure does look good, boy howdie.” Or I would proclaim, “Gee wilickers! I think we should all go see this Hunger Games movie that the youngun’s are all clamoring about!” And once I’ve even stated, “Rest assured, I have only been snooping around this bathroom window because I’ve seem to have misplaced my contact lens, officer.”

So here are some reasons why you should date me that I’ll think you’ll find quite convincing:
1. I’m devilishly attractive

As an added bonus, I’m rarely ever cocky and in people’s face about it. On a totally unrelated note, you probably shouldn’t read any of my other posts on here. I’m sure they won’t interest you at all.

2. I’m hilarious to the right group of people

I mean my friends think I’m funny. Although, I do use the “fuck” words a lot, and I have a very raunchy sense of humor. So if any of that isn’t your cup of tea, we might have a problem. You know what? You’re reading my blog right now, you can read some of my old posts and find out if you share my sense of humor. Wait, shit…

3. I will never “Chris Brown” you

Nor will I ever “Rothlisburger,” “Shamwow Guy” or “Brad Pitt” you. I hope you get those references, because I’m not explaining them. I will totally respect you and simultaneously treat you like an equal and a queen. And not like one of those wicked queens that only get their asses murdered at the end of the story- a good queen. Think of yourself as a younger, hotter Queen Elizabeth.

4. I am independent and secure, so you don’t have to worry about me calling and texting you all the time

I am not a clingy person, so you won’t have to worry about me harassing you over your phone. Well unless I think you’re cheating on me. Are you cheating on me? Holy shit! Who is he?! I’LL MURDER HIM!!!

5. If we were ever set to fight to the death, I would totally eat the poison berries before you had a chance to kill yourself

And all I ask in return is that you see to it that a statue is made in my memory. Make sure it’s a tasteful nude of me and is very generous.

6. I am great with animals and children
Well, I don’t have any images of me being great with kids, so this picture of me and my dog will have to do:

Dawww!!!

7. I would saw off your dead father’s hand for you if the situation should ever arise.

I don’t know when this would ever come up, but I think that it’s an important situation that every adult couple has to go through.

8. I’m really open minded, so I probably wouldn’t care if you were a terrifying and deadly shape-shifting blue monster

Granted, I’ve never dated a shape shifting blue monster before, but hey, it could be hot- especially if you walk around naked all the time. If you want, I’ll dress up like Magneto and have a really hot role playing sesh.

I’ll wear it, but I’m warning you that I’m going to look like a total asshole in this.

And after a quick Google search, I found out that you have a boyfriend. Damnit! Every time I write one of these Romantic Propositions, this kind of thing happens! So, as for your stupid boyfriend, Nicholas Hoult- he’s a douchebag. He doesn’t deserve you, what with him just standing there, um… looking the way he does… with his face all… er… face like. OK, I actually don’t know who that is. Let me Google Image search this bastard before I start bad mouthing him.

Now that I know what he looks like, I can say this: NERD ALERT!

Man, does that guy look familiar. He can’t be an up and coming scientist because then I definitely wouldn’t know who he is. And he can’t be a part of the staff at Cracked.com because I follow all of them on Twitter and I also know where they live and hang out. Maybe he’s from some rival blog site… YOU BASTARD! FIRST YOU STEAL MY WOMAN, NOW YOU’VE COME TO STEAL MY BLOG FOLLOWERS?!?! I swear, I will get you for this, you mutant!

Wait a second. Mutant? Holy Buddah bitch slapping a priest! He was a mutant in X-Men: First class! He was Beast! He and Mistique’s (J-Lawr’s character) had a small romantic fling, but they didn’t up together in the end (sorry. SPOILER ALERT!). Awwwe! So the characters may not be together, but the actors do! That’s just plain adorable. Way more adorable than Kirsten Stewart/ Rob Pattinson. So you know what? I change my mind. Nicholas, you can have her. You win. Treat her well. And J-Lawr, remember me for how amazing to you I’ve been throughout this post, and if you and Beast ever break up, don’t hesitate to call me.

Peace be with you violently

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