Websites Past Me Never Would Have Thought He Would Frequent

For those of you who’ve read my very first post to this blog (and who hasn’t read that gem?), you may remember it being about how I dislike blogs. But everyone should notice that 102 blog posts after that first one, I still have no intention of ending this blog, nor do I hate still blogging. It’s one of those whole “People change” kind of deals. Well, since I was thinking about how my views on blogs had changed over the past three years, I’d figured that I should also look at what websites I frequent now and compare them to how I felt about them back when I started this blog. This should be a journey for all of us.

Twitter

Twitter logo 2012

Website Description

-For those of you who don’t know what Twitter is, I’m assuming this is your first time on the Internet. If that’s the case, then welcome and thank you for choosing my blog to be the first site you go to. I have all the information you’ll ever need. Also, just wait until you find the porn here. The floors of the Internet are practically caked with it.

I don't think that's porn...

I don’t think that’s porn…

Anyway, the best way to describe Twitter objectively is like this:

Imagine you’re in a giant room that is filled with millions of people. Now, imagine that these millions of people are shouting things at no one in particular. Yes, every once and a while you’ll see someone turn their head and shout something at someone, or maybe they’ll shout a response to someone else’s shout, but for te most part, they are just standing there looking over everyone’s heads and shouting things. Maybe they’re shouting a joke. Maybe they’re shouting about what their doing/ watching/ listening to. Maybe they’re shouting an inspirational cliché that they had heard once but weren’t clever enough to come up with on their own. And maybe they’re shouting about what they’re eating while waving around a filtered image of the food. This is what everyone in this room does. Every hour of every day.

And there are celebrities in this room, and these celebrities are also shouting things or shouting responses to other celebrities shouts or even shouting things that help promote important dates for them. And the rest of the people in this room will listen to those shouts and will shout back compliments or insults, depending on whether they like the celebrity or not.

And finally, up on one of the walls of this vast room of shouting people is a board. On this board is a list of things that people are shouting about the most at that particular time. This encourages more people to shout about it too. And every person is shouting with the millions of other people that are shouting, In the hopes that for once their mindless shouts are heard.

That is Twitter.

How me from 2009 feels about it

-Quite honestly, Twitter was the stupidest idea on the planet. Why would anyone want to waste their time on a website where all you can do us regularly post status updates. That is pretty much the most annoying part of Facebook. Like I want to see nothing but passive aggressive ventings about exes or updates where people fish for sympathy. It would drive me crazy and I would probably want to punch the people I follow so hard in the face that my hand would get stuck in the hole I’d create in their self-obsessed faces. There is no way in Hell I would ever get a goddamn Twitter.

How I feel about it now

-Oh my God do I love that site! OK, well that’s a little hyperbolic, but I do enjoy the site greatly, and that is largely due to the people that I follow. I’ll admit, when I first got on Twitter, I had a cruddy phone that wouldn’t let me get on the site whenever I was away from my computer. Unfortunately, the whole point of Twitter is being able to get on wherever you are. So, once I got my iPhone, I downloaded the app and started getting on the site more often. I eventually followed all the Cracked.com columnists, even the ones I didn’t have a man crush on, and then quickly moved on to random stand-up comedians, other internet comedy writers, and twitter comedians, all of whom fill up my Twitter feed with awesome jokes 24 hours a day. And as of writing this, two of the hilarious twitter comedians, Ephing Adoraballs and Kay Marvin are now following me, which makes me feel like I have been made a junior member of the Twitter Comedian group. Now if I could only get Soren Bowie, and Easy_Tiger_ to follow me, maybe I could be considered a part of the handsome ones. This is my dream. Don’t judge me.

Etsy/ Fab

etsy-logo

Website Description

-Etsy and Fab are websites dedicated to selling quirky-not necessarily nerdy- things. sure you can buy beard knit beanies, but you can also buy anything from colorful antique knick knacks to hand made light fixtures to T-shirts or other forms of clothing for the hipster in you.

How me from 2009 feels about it

-Well, I don’t think Etsy or Fab existed in 2009, but I don’t mean those websites in particular, but just what kind of website they are, which is a website where you can buy quirky housewares. There is no reason why I should want to go on there. I don’t live on my own, in an apartment, a house, or a trailer in the woods; I live with my mom, so why would I even consider buying myself a bookshelf shaped like the Bat Symbol, no matter how badass it is?

which if you were wondering, is incredibly badass.

which if you were wondering, is incredibly badass.

And then, there is the fact that I probably know nothing about how to decorate a home. I get that certain colors go together and that all the wood in a room should be the same shade of brown, but who am I, [looks up HGTV hosts] Mike Holmes? My house will probably be so stylistically confused, it would probably look like the house equivalent of a masculine straight man trying on his first dress.

How I feel about it now

-I am thankful that I don’t have more money to spend, otherwise I’d go broke on Etsy. I discovered the website officially through Dude I Want That when I saw this picture:

This will class up every bathroom everywhere.

This will class up every bathroom everywhere.

I just knew that I had to get this picture for my uncle for Christmas. And being the determined little asshole that I am, I immediately signed up to Etsy and bought the picture. And then I started browsing the site. Holy Hell. It’s like all weird things that I could ever want for a house were put on this one website for me to buy. I cannot tell you how many hours I’ve spent looking through the categories on either of these sites, but let’s just say that they really help me procrastinate writing for this blog, and even this blog post. And on a related note, I am totally going to buy that picture of Sasquatch for my bathroom.

The Onion

Onion- Logo

How me from 2009 feels about it

-Now, let me clarify, It’s not that I don’t like The Onion, or that I have any kind of reason to not read it, it’s just that Cracked.com takes up so much of my free reading time that I pretty much forget that The Onion even exists unless someone posts a link to facebook. And even then I might not even read it, because hey, Cracked posted three new articles, a new video, AND a new Photoshop contest today, and I am still in college so I still have homework and two jobs to do. Who the hell am I, Jesus? Sorry Onion, but you were going to have to wait.

How I feel about it now

-I love that website, and I’m there all the time, but I’m still smart about it. I only read the articles that sound most interesting to me. Usually when I do this, I find myself hoping that the article I chose is an actual article and not just a picture or one of their local news pieces. I have, however, gotten so good at knowing which is which just by judging by the title, but every once in a while they trick me. But that’s OK, because their actual articles and videos are usually hilarious and I kind of hate myself for not reading more of their articles over the past three years.

Threadless

Threadless_logo

Website Description

-For those of you who never read a banner on a non-porn website, Threadless is a T-shirt selling website that is largely powered by its fans. Fans submit their shirt designs, fans vote on the designs, and fans probably whip the child slaves who print the shirts. You know, circle of life.

How me from 2009 feels about it

Threadless? What the Hell is Threadless? A t-shirt site? I refuse to go there. T-Shirt Hell has my complete and unwavering loyalty. Why in God’s salty name would I buy from or even browse another t-shirt site? It would be like I was cheating on T-Shirt Hell, and T-Shirt Hell would know. They have ways of knowing these things.

How I feel about it now

-It took some time for Threadless to win me over, what with me being so stubborn about T-shirt Hell, but eventually some of the really cool- not funny designs got a hold of me, and I started shopping there. Now, I have around eight shirts from that site, including this one, which is a funny shirt. So clearly, I’ve completely given up on my college days morals of corporate loyalty. Sorry T-shirt Hell. I still love you fuckers, but Threadless has this shirt of a screaming Native American Chief, and it is one of the coolest shirts I own. So you’re just going to have to deal with the fact that you aren’t my soul site for awesome clothes anymore.

All Recipies

All-Recipies-logo

Website Description

-Allrecipes.com is a website with recipes on it. Like Threadless, most of the recipes on All Recipes was submitted by a user. That is pretty much how the entire internet works now, so that shouldn’t come as much of a surprise. I’m beginning to think that these descriptions are a little condescending to you guys, and if that’s true, I’m sorry.

How me from 2009 feels about it

-I’ll admit, I’ve been to this website. Once. And that was for my super-awesome-totally-sexy-guacamole recipe. I only went there for that recipe, and only until I had the recipe memorized. Granted, I do cook for myself a lot because I’m living at home and I am this weird kind of lazy where I’d rather make food than go out and get food made for me, but I never needed a recipe website. I know what I’m going to cook for dinner, and damnit, I’m going to cook the shit out of it. I am the fucking master of chicken stir fry and the grill!

How I feel about it now

-Now, I want to make weird things. Like soup. Homemade soup! And schnitzel! And homemade macaroni and cheese! I don’t how to make any of these fucking things! Where the hell is the real adult that lives here! I NEED HER TO COOK FOR ME! I NEED FOOOOOOOOOOD

What is that, stomach? Eat the cat? I don't think I should... Well, if you insist...

What is that, stomach? Eat the cat? I don’t think I should… Well, if you insist…

Ok, I’ll admit, I do not use their exact website, but I do have their app on my phone, so I think it still counts. Now, whenever I feel like making something random, like jerk chicken, I have a recipe on hand. (I’ve never actually made jerk chicken. That was just an example. You get the idea. Stop being dicks about this.) Plus, I can access the app when I’m at the store so that I know what ingredients I need for the jerk chicken. (Seriously, shut up.) And then the instructions help me to jerk that chicken real good. (OK, now you’re just thinking up masturbation jokes… That one might be on me. My bad.)

Alright folks. That’s it for this week. And next week I’m probably not going to post anything, since I want to write another Awesomesquad! Assemble! post next. Just as a teaser, I’m going the flashback route again (kind of) and we’re going fight a certain fame monster. That should’ve just given it away. So until then, go follow me and those people I linked on Twitter. Do it!

Peace

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1 Comment

  1. […] couple of months ago I mentioned a hilarious man that I am following on Twitter who goes by the moniker @Easy_Tiger__. If you’re […]


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