Man Vs. Wild: How I Plan to Conquer The Animal Kingdom With My Fists

As a perfectly humble (and sexy and intelligent) human being, I find it easy to be in awe of nature and all of its tranquil, yet rugged beauty. In fact, if you’ve ever seen any artsy pictures that I’ve taken, you know that I mostly take nature shots. There is something so majestic about a forest of towering green conifer trees sweeping over rolling hills and around the base of an intimidating, rocky, snowcapped mountain, that it makes me wish I could be free of this ball and chain that is humanity and run naked into the forest to live in harmony with my animal brothers and sisters.

But I am a man. And it is in my nature as a man to destroy anything that is beautiful, whether it be mankind’s own creations, an entire ecosystem, or the future of a brunette coed at Myrtle Beach last summer (you cannot prove your baby is mine, Jackie, the DNA test came back inconclusive). So despite its beauty, I must conquer nature, and make it submit to me, the man.

I’m a man, Jackie. And a man does not submit to sending out child support checks.

I’m a man, Jackie. And a man does not submit to sending out child support checks.

Nature, however, has her own defenses- weather, seismic events, and other animals. Since I cannot control the weather, and since I don’t punch mountains with enough force to cause an avalanche (yet), that means to conquer nature, I must conquer fauna. So, below are five animals I would fight to conquer nature, why I chose them, how I would instigate them into fighting, what their strengths and weaknesses are, and whether or not I could beat them with my fists. Enjoy:

  1. Eagle
    Because the eagle is a symbol of freedom. The way it soars through the open air with its only concern being food, what animal could possibly be considered to be more free? A falcon? Please, we’ve turned falcons into pets. They certainly are not as free as an Eagle. And if the eagle is a symbol of freedom, that means we need something to be the symbol of society and its reigning in of freedom. I will be that symbol, and I will reign in the eagle’s freedom by raining my fists down upon it.

    How Would I Instigate The Fight?

    Well, all birds are protective of their young, so it seems that the best course of action for me would be to terrorize an eagle’s chicks and make it defend them. Unfortunately for me, Wikipedia tells me that eagles mostly nest in tall trees or on high cliffs, which means that I’m going to have either bring climbing equipment or fight the eagle one handed.Strengths/ Weaknesses?
    As I mentioned, it can fly. That’s a huge advantage since I do not possess that capability (yet). It also has sharp talons and a beak that is perfect for gouging out my eyes. However, if I’m able to bring it to the ground, then its strengths are useless. What good are those claws and dagger beak going to do when I’m on top of it, giving it a face full of fist? And there’s no way for it to take off if I have its wings pinned to the ground with my knees.

    The Winner?
    Given the scenarios I’ve mentioned, I’d have to assume that this would be a pretty well matched fight. Sure I’ve got size and strength on my side, but the eagle’s air strikes are swift and brutal. Even if I managed to get it to the forest floor so that I could properly lay down the hurt on it, eagles are large enough that it could very possibly wiggle out of my clutches and fly away. Because of this, I call the battle a draw. Good work, my feathered foe, I hold the utmost respect for you.

  2. Honey Badger
    I sense that a human has challenged me...

    I sense that a human has challenged me…

    Over the past couple of years, it has been agreed upon by the internet that the honey badger is the most badass mammal alive today. That’s right, not the wolf, not the bear, not even the lion- the fucking honey badger, an animal that looks like it would be an inadequate meal for any of the animals I just mentioned, is the most badass. But it’s true. Honey badgers eat poisonous snakes, get bit, and then sleep off the venom:

    How Would I Instigate The Fight?
    Fucking honey badgers are always looking for a fight. All I would have to do is find one and make eye contact with it. In the honey badger’s mind, that’s like an announcer yelling, “LET’S GET READY TO RUMBLEEEEEEEE!!!!!!”

    Strengths/ Weaknesses?
    It’s vicious. Plus, just as that video with the effeminate sounding male pointed out, the honey badger just doesn’t care. That’s Batman levels of crazy. Not to mention it has to be fast if it wants attack and eat poisonous snakes. I however still have my size and strength. It can charge at me with all of its claws and teeth, but all I need is one good tackle or one well place kick and I will have successfully subdued or punted that little dude.

    The Winner?
    Unfortunately for the honey badger, I’m going to have to say that I’m the winner in this battle. I mean, sure, it put up a really good fight, and it had a few good moves for an animal that just doesn’t care, but that was its undoing. Sure, it doesn’t care, but I’m out looking for a honey badger to fight with my fists, so it’s obvious that I don’t care either. In this scenario, it needed to care. Just look at the facts: it is now one of the most respected mammals on the internet (cat’s don’t count because we make fun of their poor grammar), so it losing to a human should be a huge embarrassment. By it not caring, it didn’t have the motivation to fight against someone who actually had nothing to lose. Sorry honey Badger, fight harder next time.

  3. Burmese Python

    Why?Here, watch this video of a boy playing with a Burmese Python:

    Isn’t that both heartwarming and amazingly badass of the kid? That kid looks like he could be a light snack for that monster, but no, they’re just goofing around and wrestling. And this is why I must fight the Burmese Python. It’s become so accustomed to humans that it would rather have one as a friend than have one as a meal. The Jungle Book taught me that that is total bullshit, and I must teach that species a lesson-with my fists. 

    How Would I Instigate The Fight?
    I would just tackle the damn thing. It would foolishly think, “Oh, cool, I get to wrestle with a human! Fun!” before I would let loose a tornado of hooks and jabs at its small, reptilian head.Strengths/ Weaknesses?
    Clearly the animal is bigger and ultimately stronger than me. And yes, I do have every intention of fighting a large one of these. All the other animals I’m planning on fighting are smaller than me, so I’d like to take that one advantage away from me to see how I’d fare against a larger beast. The Burmese python, for those of you who don’t know, kill their food by winding itself around its prey and squeezing the air out of it. This ranks up there as one of my least preferred ways to die along with “fire drowning,” and “being accidentally eaten by Oprah.” However, I have one important thing that the Burmese python doesn’t have: limbs. God had taken away the serpent’s limbs, and I shall use my God given advantage to pummel the ever loving fuck out of that animal.

    The Winner?
    With me tricking it into thinking that we’re wrestling, and with my limbs just itching to punch and kick the hell out of a giant reptile, no amount of squeezing was going to save the Burmese python. The winner: Me.

  4. Carpenter Ants

    Because I fucking hate ants. It’s just that simple. I hate all ants. Especially the big ones, and especially the destructive ones. But why carpenter ants in particular, you ask? After all, there are much, much worse ants out there. Fire ants. Bullet ants. And I just discovered fucking Electric Ants when I Googled “Worst ants in the world.” Seriously. Fucking Electric Ants. Just let those words sink in and let the Lovecraftian horrors fill your mind and rot your psyche. I’m choosing not to find out what Electric Ants are for the sake of my few lingering threads of hope that there is a kind, loving God.
    But I chose carpenter ants because of their proximity. Let it be known- we humans are at war with the ants. They may seem dumb on their own, but their hive mind makes them a formidable and deadly foe.  I chose to fist fight carpenter ants because those are the specific species of ant that will most likely try to invade my house. So as long as my heart still beats, my blood still flows, and my fists still punch, I will be bringing the war to their door before it gets to mine. I’m doing this for all humanity. You’re welcome. 

    How Would I Instigate The Fight?
    I’m just going to go into my backyard and start hammering the ground with my fists. It’s as simple as that. But just imagine what it would look like from the ant’s perspective. One’s just sitting on a blade of grass, chewing on it and taking a break between secret meetings about how they will destroy the “human menace” when, suddenly, the blue sky goes black. The sun has been blotted out somehow. But how? And then it notices my form towering over it. “Oh no!” it will cry in its dirty ant tongue, “How did they find out about our plans!?” Before it even has a chance to cry out a warning, fists literally rain down from the heavens and crush the bastard and every other carpenter ant around.(fun fact: if you picture this same scenario from my neighbors’ perspectives, you’ll know exactly why they want me to move out of the neighborhood.)

    "Honey,  Minigan’s punching our lawn again. Should I go out there and deal with him, or should we just call the cops this time?”

    “Honey, Minigan’s punching our lawn again. Should I go out there and deal with him, or should we just call the cops this time?”

    Strengths/ Weaknesses?
    Well, there’s a lot of them, so they have that going for them. They could quickly get the advantage if they swarm out of their hive or whatever and start climbing all over me. Also, if there are enough of them, they could be strong enough to pick me up and carry me off to the Ant leader. I’m not really sure how the ant hierarchy goes when the species join forces, but I assume they have to have some sort of ultimate ant king or something. Also, their bites kind of hurt and are really annoying. However, I do have my size, so it will still be like the Lilliputians going up against Gulliver. I promise that was not a reference to the Jack  Black movie, but the satirical fiction it was based on.

    The number 1 reason the ants want us dead… probably.

    The number 1 reason the ants want us dead… probably.

    The Winner?
    Despite their sheer numbers, I still call this one in my favor. We are talking about carpenter ants after all. If it were bullet ants I was punching back into the earth, then maybe things would turn out differently. But since I chose a homegrown enemy for this one, I must say that I am the victor.

  5. Octopus
    Since I’ve already fought animals of the air and the land, it only makes sense that I now engage in fisticuffs with a creature of the sea. Of course, an octopus seems like it would be an odd choice seeing as though the ocean is filled with dolphins (which despite their playful nature, love to kill them some porpoise), sharks, giant squids, and barracudas. And that’s not even counting that the world’s fresh water are inhabited by piranhas, lampreys, and Loch Ness Monsters. So why would I choose a creature that is basically just a squishy sack of suction cups on slime covered flaccid penises?
    Well, the shark would be an excellent choice, except that all it takes is a touch on the nose and the ocean’s most terrifying monster is left incapacitated.

    As for dolphins, they work with humans and aren’t one of our natural preditors, so they’re too close to us as a species for me to fight. They even help us catch fish, and I’m not even going to ruin that relationship by recklessly punching them, no matter how many porpoises they slaughter. Giant squids only live in the deepest parts of the ocean, and I’d only be able to reach one with a submersible, which kind of defeats the purpose of beating it with my bare hands. I’d be too distracted trying to sing the song “Barracuda” by Heart to actually fight one, piranhas are only as violent as we perceive them when we starve them, and lampreys are too small and defenseless for it to be a fair fight. And despite being a giant immortal aquatic dinosaur living in a Scottish Lake, no one can find the Loch Ness Monster. So, octopus it is.

    How Would I Instigate The Fight?
    I know that certain species of octopuses can camouflage themselves, so finding one in the wild will probably be difficult, but as soon as I do, I’m just gonna grab hold of it and get to punching.

    Strengths/ Weaknesses?
    I’m not an expert at identifying different species of octopuses, so I’m just going to list what I know some species can do: some can change the color of their skin to mimic their surroundings, some can mimic the appearance of other sea creatures such as the lion fish and manta ray, most squirt ink. However, all octopuses can stretch and squeeze into tight spaces, are incredibly fast, and can use their powerful tentacles to rip mollusks apart to get to the sweet, sweet, mollusk meat inside. Octopuses are also incredibly intelligent. Here’s one playing with a Mr. Potato head, so you just know that claim’s legit.

    “This is bullshit. What I really wanted was an Xbox.”

    “This is bullshit. What I really wanted was an Xbox.”

    The Winner?
    Did you even read that last paragraph? Octopuses are intelligent, fast, strong, can turn invisible, stretch and contort themselves, and can disguise themselves as other creatures. They’re just the ability to burst into flames and the ability to regenerate lost tissue away from being a Marvel  hero reunion in one fucking kind of animal. Oh wait, they can totally regrow their limbs, which they rip off themselves when they’re threatened. That’s just a level of crazy that I don’t think I can compete with. The only reason a superhero hasn’t been based off of the octopus is because it would kick so much ass in such a short period of time that it would just leave readers confused and aroused. An octopus themed superhero would be so powerful that even Superman would think its powers are a bit excessive, and he’s the hero that can vibrate to avoid getting his picture taken.
    What I’m saying is that there is no chance in ink squirting hell that I would win in a fist fight against an octopus. We humans are not living on our planet, we’re living on the parts of the octopus’s planet that they aren’t using right now. They’re just renting the land to us. And if you don’t believe that they’ll rise up and take what’s rightfully theirs, here’s a video of one ripping the scuba mask off of a diver:

    All hail our Octopus Overlords!


1 Comment

  1. The boy with the snake…that was fascinating, and I loved it. ❤

Comments RSS TrackBack Identifier URI

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

  • I am this popular!

    • 97,903 hits
  • Blast from the Past!

    April 2013
    S M T W T F S
    « Mar   May »
  • The Vault