The Weirdest Items I Never Knew I Desperately Wanted

If you haven’t guessed already, I spend a lot of my free time on the internet. Since you’re reading my blog, which is essentially the dregs of the non-porn internet, I assume you all do too. But that’s great! That means that we have something in common! Let’s be friends. Here: I’ll even kick things off with a funny video that you’ve probably already seen. And if you haven’t, then your entire life has been wasted up until this point. See! Friends helping friends!

Anyway, what I was getting at before was that since I spend a lot of time on the internet, I have begun to spend good chunk of my time shopping for things on the internet. This trend started off normally enough- T-shirt Hell T-shirts, movies and CDs (yes I am the backwards person that still buys those) that I cannot find in the store, sex toys, really obscure gag gifts for friends- you know, things you couldn’t or wouldn’t want to purchase from another judgmental human being. (For instance I once bought a Kama Sutra for a friend and his girlfriend for Christmas. It didn’t go over well.) But over time, just like porn, my online shopping habits evolved, and due to the sheer overwhelming variety of weird shit you can purchase online, my most recent online purchases include a ceramic lighted fish market for my Christmas Villiage, and yards of fabric for this year’s Halloween costume.

But those things are still somewhat normal compared to these next items, because you know that the items above exist offline. These following items are things that I probably would have never guessed existed, and probably wouldn’t exist, if it wasn’t for the internet’s demand of products that compliment every flavor of crazy. But the worst thing about all of these products is that they’re things I’ve always wanted, but I never knew it until I found them.

  1. Batman Motorcycle Helmet (Dude I Want That)
    batman-motorcycle-helmet
    I’m going to level with you right now: I don’t ride motorcycles. However, I would absolutely start riding if I had this helmet. It is honestly the only thing that would motivate me to go out and get a bike. Hell, just imagining me speeding down the freeway on a jet black bike with that helmet on, the visor down and transforming me into Gotham’s Avenger of the Night makes me want to sell my car and hitchhike to the nearest Crotchrocket dealership
    However, My mind doesn’t stop there. I think about protecting my body with Batman themed bike gear. And that’s when I remember that Dude I Want That has already answered that prayer too with this:
    the-dark-knight-rises-motorcycle-suit
    Really Internet? You know me so well that you saw to it that a Batsuit was made specifically for riding motorcycles, let me see it and forget about it, and then introduce me to a motorcycle helmet with Batman ears just so that I buy it all? Just please do not tell me that I can buy a working replica of the Batcycle from the movies. I don’t think I’d be able to resist becoming The Batman if I knew I could buy that too.
  2. Assorted wall mounted hand decorations (Jack Threads)
    Wall Mounted Hands
    Quick, what’s the best way to make your friends and neighbors think you’re a serial killer while simultaneously making acid trips in your house terrifying? The answer to that question is these wall mounted hands. These hands will cost you anywhere from $30 to $79, but they practically pay for themselves once you factor in how few parties you will have to host once you install them. And just imagine waking up from a nightmare  where people were coming out of the walls, and seeing actual hands reaching out from the walls. There’s no way that story ends without you setting fire to your place before you realize what you saw.I honestly don’t know what kind of person would want these wall mounted hands, but I do know that I am among them. I kind of see them as disembodied servants: taking my keys, my coat, my spare change, and flicking me off, right as I walk in the door every day. Plus, they give me an interesting place to rest my arm when I’m suavely welcoming guests to my (nonexistent) abode. I guess I like them because I think they’re so unusual that I’d be the only one I know with them in my place. And sure, my friends and relatives might begin to suspect that I’m a psycho killer and tip off the cops, but they won’t find anything- I keep my “souvenirs” hidden in my shed in the woods.
  3. Demon Bells (Dude I want that)
    Demon Bells
    For those of you who don’t know. I work out. A lot. And I even use Kettle bells from time to time. But I work out at a gym, and they have their own kettle bells. Stupid ones without demonic faces on them. I know, it’s pointless to use them if they don’t have demonic faces on them, but I’ve already shown them to both owners of my gym, and they didn’t seem too eager to buy a set of them.
    I’m compelled to buy these myself. I look into their eye holes and I feel compelled to throw my money at my computer screen. “Buy us, Minigan,” they chant as their eyes begin to glow, “Buy us all, and attain the strength of the Gods! Then you can smite those heretics who refused to buy us in the first place!”
    And I totally would, if it wasn’t for the fact that I’m sure that I wouldn’t work out if I only worked out at my house. I need that gym atmosphere, not a bunch of demonic weights lurking in my basement. Maybe one day I’ll have a private gym in my house. And if that day comes, then you can bet that these Demon bells will be there, threatening me with ass rape so that I do one more rep.
  4. Dumb And Dumber minimalist poster (Etsy)
    Dumb-And-Dumber-Poster
    I don’t know about anyone else, but I just cannot figure out why I like minimalist posters so much. Is it because they’re all about a reference to a random part of the movie. Are they to show the world how big movie buffs we are because we “get” those references? Is it because of their purposely cruddy quality that we think they’re oldschool even though Dumb and Dumber is from the 1990’s? Is this what hipster culture has come to?
    The answer to each of those questions is a “yes.” I’m a hipster movie lover who wants everyone to know how knowledgeable I am with 90’s pop culture trivia. And clearly I’m not the only one, because you can find minimalist movie posters on just about every website that sells artwork.
  5. Zombie Annihilation Crate (Man Crates)
    zombie_annihilation_crate
    I have a confession to make with this one: I’m not nearly into zombies as everyone I know thinks I am. Don’t get me wrong: I love “Zombieland,” “Shawn of the Dead” is amazing, and I have some very compelling arguments why “Zombie Strippers” is the movie with the best handled Zombie Apocalypse, but the entire genre seems a little stale to me. Sure “The Walking Dead” as proven to be successful, but I cannot get into it because every time I tune in, I see, maybe, one zombie slaying. Meanwhile, on the internet, everyone is playing Who’s Our Favorite Character Roulette. I’m sorry pop culture, but there’s only one part of the whole “Zombie Apocalypse” trend that I’m into- Thinking that I would evolve into a total fucking badass if the zombie apocalypse would occur. That’s why I want this. Because whatever the statistics surrounding a zombie epidemic may say (mostly that the despite how badass you think you’ll be during the zombie apocalypse, you’re still more likely to end up as a shambling corpse than one of the ragtag survivors), I’m still going to genocide the hell out of some zombies. And while there are many different kinds of zombie slaying kits out there, this one is the most comprehensive for the least amount of money.
  6. Super Hero Under Armour (Under Armour)
    Spiderman Under Armour
    It’s about goddamn time, Underarmor! Do you know how many times I’ve put on my regular, non-superhero themed Under Armour shirt and felt like I belonged in my own comic book? Like, Everytime! Ok, folks, this one doesn’t fit with the rest because I always knew I wanted this, and I had been waiting patiently for someone to make it a reality.  The rest of the things on this list, I can honestly say that I never realized I always wanted them until I saw them for the first time, but I knew I wanted Superhero Under Armour ever since I first tried on my first compression shirt. There is no way I’m not buying one of these.Wait a goddamn second. Look at this screenshot from the Under Armour’s website:

Under Armour's Lies
They’re only for kids?! But I checked a goddamn month ago and they had adult sizes too. Damn you Under Armour for getting my hopes up like that. This is my own private Hell.

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