The Most Tolerable Work Self-Evaluation Ever

A couple of weeks ago, I received my annual performance review from my job, and being the absent minded person that I am (most of my brain power at work is dedicated to imagining I’m anywhere but work) I forgot to turn it in. Being the persistent jerks that they are, they gave me another to fill out. So I did, and turned that one in, leaving me with an unused copy to do with what I like. And that is why we are here today. You cannot tell if you’re not in earshot of me, but I’m cackling manically right now. Lightning is even flashing across the sky- so you know this is going to be good.


If this isn't the face you’re imagining, then you aren't doing it right.

If this isn’t the face you’re imagining, then you aren’t doing it right.

Anyway, I absolutely hate these performance reviews, which I suspect are only used to get retail workers in a room with their boss so that the boss can tell them how shitty of a job they’re doing, and talk about the worker’s future in what is, in reality, a soul sucking dead end job. Basically, the worker fills out the form giving themselves a 1-5 for each category (5 being awesome, 1 being just below a rotting mushroom in usefulness, or “needs improvement” as they call it). Then, the worker has about a 1 inch by 4 inch rectangle to explain why they think they deserve the number they chose. Maybe a week or so later, the worker is sat down in an office with a manager, who filled out the same form for the worker with his/ her own opinions, and then “discusses” with the worker why the worker was wrong for choosing those numbers. Finally (at my job at least) the sum of the boss’s numbers is calculated, and if it’s above 20, the worker gets a higher raise.  Because of this, that usually means that I tend to low ball my scores so that my bosses have no choice but tell me I’m doing a better job than that, which is something I already know. Yes, I’m a manipulative prick, but it makes me feel better about myself, so don’t judge.

As you can tell from these last two paragraphs, I don’t take this process seriously at all. I may have the self-restraint of some kind of superhuman wombat or something while I write out my annual performance review, but all I want to do is make jokes. Because, at the very least, it will make reading my review more entertaining for my bosses and it will make writing it less of a chore for me.

Sure that superhuman wombat remark was a little out there, but if it wasn’t for that this picture wouldn’t exist. And I for one think this picture is too cute to not exist.

Sure that superhuman wombat remark was a little out there, but if it wasn’t for that this picture wouldn’t exist. And I for one think this picture is too cute to not exist.

So below is what I would have written if I had the creative freedom to say what I wanted and not get penalized by not getting a raise. And since that at the time of posting, my bosses had given me my review and my well deserved raise, I have no qualms of posting this to the internet. Prepare your buttholes, because this is about to go in dry:

Prompt 1: Understands and follows company standards on safety.

  • Follows safety and health rules
  • Takes ownership of spills and eliminates unsafe working conditions
  • Works safely with equipment
  • Wears personal protective equipment as required

Team Member Rating: 5

Reason: I make it a point to never bring vials of flesh eating bacteria into the store, despite the store being a convenient place to try and sell them (After all, super villains need to buy groceries too). I always take ownership of spills by planting my personal flag over the spills and treating any situation in which a person tries to clean up the spill or walk through the spill as an act of war. I like to think I work safely with the equipment, that is, if you consider me riding the power jack around the back room while wearing a tri-corner hat and screaming “I’m fucking Nipple-Leon Boner Fart!” working safely.  I think it should count, since I haven’t caused any injuries or loss of product yet this month. As for the personal protective equipment, I would wear them when I’m required to, but I’ve made it a personal rule to NEVER have sex with someone while at work, therefore I have no need to wear condoms. I’m not sure why you guys even allow that. Is it because you can watch on the security cameras, you dirty pervs?

Prompt 2: Understands and follows company standards on sanitation and cleanliness.

  • Follows food preparation/ storage/ return guidelines
  • Properly maintains cleanliness of equipment, tables, utensils and floor
  • Contributes to an organized work environment
  • Contributes to department/ store passing Steritech and health department inspections

Team Member Rating: 5

Reason: Well, I’ve never seen the “Food preparation/ storage/ return guidelines” of legend, but I do have a basic understanding of keeping cold stuff cold, warm stuff warm, and frozen stuff frozen, so I think I have a handle on that one. Thanks for indirectly asking if I’m retarded. I used to do a very thorough job of cleaning the tables, but the folks in Prep Foods demanded that I stopped washing them like I was a sexy coed washing a car, so I stopped washing them all together. Those ungrateful bastards can wash their own tables. I always contribute to an organized work environment. If there is anything that I take seriously at this job (there isn’t) it’s that. In fact, the work environment would even be more organized if you would just let me open all the M&M bags and reorganize them by color and then staple them back together like I wanted. That one’s on you guys. Way to drop the ball. As for the Steritech and health department inspections (I assume you don’t capitalize Health Department because you’re rebels against authority) I have made it a point to never release rats, cockroaches, or lice infested howler monkeys into the store whenever those inspections occur.

Prompt 3: Understands and follows company standards on shrink.

  • Helps control shrink by properly handling product, perishable go-backs and/ or damaged items
  • Adheres to trim standards and portion control
  • Avoids over-production of product or over-stocking shelves
  • Rotates product properly (FIFO)
  • Accurately prices/ scans merchandise
  • Accurately verifies items received in order
  • Conducts regular display case/ cooler temperature checks and/ or scale checks

Team Member Rating: 5

Now, I would have given myself a 4 for this, but your blatant use of the word “Fifo” is offensive to my people, the giants (it comes from “Fee-Fi-Fo-Fum” from Jack and the Beanstalk, if you didn’t already know). I was deeply offended by your thoughtless and malicious use of that word, and I felt that my compensation should be a higher score. See, I am a quarter giant (it only shows in the one place it counts, ladies), and as I’m sure you know most of the Giant race were mercilessly slaughtered by your people centuries ago. To this day, we have not been able to get our population levels back up, and many of my species has resorted to inbreeding, which as you could guess, and resulted in some unfortunate genetic mutations, like “Screeching Uterus” and “Arm Pit Testicles.” I escaped that fate only because my human grandfather was really into some big boned women.

But as I said, if it wasn’t for that horrible slur you used, I would have given myself a 4 because while I do everything else perfectly ( I handle the shit out of product until that fucking shrink is no longer interested in it) I do have a problem with rotating. My problem is that I’m not sure to what orientation do you want me the product. How much do I rotate? 90 degrees? 180 degrees? 270 degrees? No one ever told me; I was just told to rotate and was left to stare at the product and figure it out like some idiot. Since everything fits on the shelves so perfectly, I assume that you didn’t mean along the x, y plane, but instead along the x, z plane, so I’ve been rotating all the product so that the labels face the shelf. It seems kind of dumb to me, but hey; it’s your rule, not mine.

No one ever said that I was going to have to know fucking geometry for this job.

No one ever said that I was going to have to know fucking geometry for this job.

As I said, I do everything else correctly (you refuse to let me price or scan merchandise, so I don’t do that perfectly as well), but I want to give another example just to drive that point home. I check the temperatures in display cases/ coolers by hiding various alcoholic drinks in them for me to retrieve and consume throughout my work day.

Prompt 4: Understands and follows customer service strategy.

  • Welcomes and acknowledges customer with a smile and/ or friendly greeting
  • Asks and fulfills customer’s needs
  • Goes the extra mile and gives customer full attention
  • Thanks and invites customer back
  • Diffuses situation when an unpleasant shopping experience occurs
  • Seeks out customer contact
  • Solves customer problems
  • Answers and uses telephone/ intercom professionally

Team Member Rating: 4

Reason: I think we all remember the situation I’m referencing when I say “The Troll Fight Incident,” but in case you forgot, here it is. One day back in March I was going about my business, rotating the cereal so that you only saw the backs of the boxes, when a troll wandered into the store. For those of you who are unaware, trolls are the natural enemies of giants, and we had been at war with them long before Hu-mons walked the earth. So naturally, I grunted at it menacingly to let in know that it had stepped into giant territory and that it should leave, but it ignored me. As standard practice of my people, I cried my war cry, and then hopped on its back and attempted to bludgeon its head with my club. Well, hilariously, it turns out that it wasn’t a troll at all, but instead a rather large Hungarian woman named Ivana Hurkelmonchiconk (that isn’t her real last name; I just slammed my fingers on the keyboard. It produces the same effect of having a Hungarian last name, so I’m sticking with it.) I’m sure she’s laughing about the mix up now just as much as I am. Maybe more because I bet those prescription pain killers she got are probably very strong.

Other than that, I tend to think that I treat customers very well. I never spit in their faces (despite how much I think they deserve it), and I always answer the phone and use the intercom professionally after I’m done whispering “hard nipples” into it. However, as I mentioned earlier, I have made it a personal rule to not have sex with anyone while at work, and that has always included customers. But when I look at this review, it dawns on me that I might be not following one of the store’s rules by not having sex with them. After all, this prompt does ask if I, “Fulfill customer’s needs,” “Go the extra mile and give customer full attention,” and “Seek out customer contact.” Clearly, you want me to perform the Spring Break Tumble with our customers, so I promise to start propositioning them at my first opportunity.

Prompt 5: Attendance and Punctuality

  • Reports to work for scheduled shifts
  • Comes to work on time
  • Follows break and lunch guidelines

Team Member Rating: 2

Reason: I come to work whenever the hell I feel like it, I take my breaks whenever the hell I feel like it, and I leave whenever the hell I feel like it. You like that I’m a rebel, don’t you, baby. That’s right, I’m bad news. Also, I have no clue what my schedule is like each week, because you guys have forgotten to put me on the schedule for the last two years. If you fix that, then I will know what time to come it (and I will promptly ignore it).

Prompt 6: Grooming and Apperance

  • Presents a professional appearance
  • Adheres to the dress code policy
  • Personal hygiene
  • Appropriate body language
  • Approachable
  • Has a positive attitude about his/ her job
  • Wears a name tag

Team Member Rating: 5

Have you fucking seen me? I’m glorious. Every time I enter the store, I am carried in by millions of butterflies as golden beams of light wash over me and celestial horns ring out a melody so heavenly, that even the angels fall to their knees and weep tears of exuberant joy. Instinctively, customers, coworkers, bosses, and security guards  bow to me and avert their gaze, knowing that the embodiment of perfection is before them, and that their puny, mortal, Hu-mon eyes could never register something so beautiful without catching on fire.

And since no one looks directly at me, go ahead and assume I’m properly dressed, and not at all naked 100% of the time.

Prompt 7: Job Knowledge and performance

  • Knows his/ her job responsibilities
  • Understands and follows department and company policies
  • Communicates well with others
  • Uses time wisely and effectively
  • Gets along well with fellow team members
  • Adapts well to change

Team Member Rating: 1

Reason: Let’s be honest, I have no clue what the fuck I’m supposed to be doing when I come in to work. I assume it’s to test the delicious, delicious food for poisons to protect the customers. I don’t have the slightest knowledge of the department or store’s policies, let alone understand them, I don’t communicate well with others (no one here speaks giant), I only use my time wisely and effectively if taking regular naps and poop breaks are wise and effective uses of my time, and I only get along with my fellow team members if they respect my glorious image and remember that are lowly Hu-mons deserving of my hatred. And as for change… Change? WHO SAID ANYTHING ABOUT CHANGE?!?!?! MINIGAN FEARS CHANGE!!! AAARRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!!

OK, who mentioned the word “change” to Minigan again?

OK, who mentioned the word “change” to Minigan again?


Alright, that’s all for now. Peace be with you-violently.

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