Hey everyone, this is a continuation of last week’s post, so if you didn’t read that one, catch up here. Otherwise, let’s continue.
“Did you kill him?”
“Of course I didn’t kill him.”
“Because it kind of looks like you killed him.”
“I didn’t kill him”
“He does kinda look like he’s dead.”
“He’s not dead!”
“Did you check his pulse?”
“Then I guess you don’t know if he’s dead or not, now do you?”
“He’s not dead!”
“Who’s dead?” I mumbled.
“Oh good, he’s waking up,” I heard Lady Smash say.
“You’re dead,” Derren’s voice answered.
“Hey guys!” Jessie’s voice exclaimed, “Who killed Minigan?”
“Shut up, Jessie,” I snapped.
“See, he’s totally not dead,” Lady Smash confirmed.
I opened my eyes and found Jessie, Lady Smash, Phlegm, Criss, and Derren looking down on me. We were in my room. My head pulsed with pain. I tried to rub it, but I couldn’t move my hands. I looked to them and found that I had been bound to my bed with hot pink, fuzzy handcuffs.
“In case you tried to do anything stupid again,” Lady Smash explained as I pulled on the handcuffs.
“OK, well you can let me go now,” I replied.
“No can do,” Phlegm told me, “The last time we tried that, you tried to molest the TV.”
Damien, GMZ, Everett, and Nut’n Fancy walked into my room, each one holding their head and looking nauseous.
“And why didn’t you tie them to their beds?!” I cried.
“Because they weren’t trying to molest the TV,” Derren quipped.
“What happened, anyway?” Everett asked, “All I remember is watching TV, being interrupted and then thrown into the air.”
“I’ll tell you what happened,” Lady Smash snapped, “You all were so drawn into the cultural black hole that is ‘Keeping Up With The Kardashians’ that you didn’t even hear Phlegm and I come in. To get your attention, I turned off the TV. You all went bezerk, except for Derren and Criss, both of whom are not lousy pervs with poor taste.”
“Wow,” Jessie blurted.
“Yeah,” Phlegm replied, “I always figured Criss to be the most unapologetically perverted one in the group.”
“Oh, please,” Lady Smash scoffed at Criss, “You always go for the hottest chick to help you preform your magic tricks.”
I began, “That’s weird-”
“I know!” Lady Smash interjected, “Who uses magic to pick up women?”
“No, I meant it’s weird that the only reason we started watching in the first place is because GMZ had freaked out on me for interrupting him.“
“OK, so we pinpointed our patient zero,” Phlegm noted, “But we still don’t know why the show turned you all into drooling morons.”
Still strapped to the bed, I rested my head back on the pillow and recalled what happened before I woke up chained to my bed with kink handcuffs. The Ass. Its image was standing out clearly in my head, and it’s voice (which sounded a lot like Billy D. Williams) echoed in my mind clear enough that it could have been talking into my ear. I heard the echo repeat in its sexy, smooth voice “…You must stop them, even if it means killing them…” I opened my eyes again and gasped.
“Kim Kardashian’s ass! That’s what drew me in!” I exclaimed as I struggled against the restraints, “Her ass must have the ability to hypnotize people!”
“No,” Lady Smash said in a matter-o-factly tone, “You’re just a dirty pervert.”
With a condescending laugh, Damien added, “She’s right, Minigan, Kim Kardashian’s ass isn’t hypnotic. Obviously, that’s ridiculous. There has to be a more rational explanation. Maybe we ate something that had a weird effect on us.”
“Like what?” Derren asked, “Only GMZ ate the brownies, and Lady Smash was the one to make those.”
Everett added, “Yeah, unless Lady Smash put LSD or hallucinogenic mushrooms into all of our food, I doubt what we ate was the cause.”
“All I’m saying is that we should not start a crusade against the Kardashians just because we were acting a little weird,” Damien replied.
“A little weird?!” Phlegm cried. “All of you went bezerk.”
Lady Smash nodded, “Damien, dude, I love it that we are usually on the same side of arguments, but I think you should probably sit this one out because you’re not helping our side at all.”
“Ok,” Damien admitted, “Maybe we did get out of hand, but I still don’t think we were hypnotized my Kim Kardashian’s ass.”
“Where the hell were you when this happened, Damien?” I asked, “Did you not hear Billy D. William’s voice come out of her ass?”
Damien didn’t answer, but Lady Smash looked to Phlegm and then down to me. “OK, You guys are just fucking with us now, right?”
“Can someone please un cuff me from my bed?” I requested, ignoring Lady Smash’s question. I then asked, “And why did you guys use fuzzy handcuffs?”
“They were the only ones we had here,” Phlegm answered as she freed my ankles from their restraints.
“And who had sex handcuffs here?” Criss queried.
Phlegm and Lady Smash looked to a red faced Everett who threw up his hands and cried, “I don’t want to talk about it.”
Once Phlegm had freed my last wrist, I sat up and replied, “I think we need to talk about it.”
“Minigan,” Derren interrupted, “What do you want to do about Kim Kardashian?”
“Wait,” Lady Smash interjected, “You and Criss weren’t acting ‘hypnotized.’ Why do you believe this crap?”
“It didn’t happen to Criss and myself is because we both know how to hypnotize others, which makes it impossible to be hypnotized.”
“So you believe that the Kardashians are harboring a woman with magical ass powers?”
“More like Kardassians,” GMZ quipped.
“Good one, GMZ,” I replied, “Let’s all call her that when we go fight her.”
Lady Smash pinched the bridge of her nose and requested, “Can’t we at least vote on it?”
“Sure,” I replied, “Whoever thinks that Kim Kardassian really does have a hypnotic ass raise your hand.”
Everett, GMZ, Criss, Derren, Nut’n Fancy, and myself raised our hands.
“And whoever thinks that literally any explanation other than ‘Kim K’s ass is magic’ is a better one, raise your hand.”
Phlegm, Jessie, and Damien raised their hands with Lady Smash. She counted the raised hands and scowled at me.
I smiled back at her and announced to my group, “Well, it looks like we’re fighting Kim Kardassian. Everyone get ready.” I instructed GMZ to find the address of the Kardashian house, and to send the rest of the Kardashian Klan across town to what they think is surprise party for Kim.
“What should the reason be?” GMZ asked.
“I don’t know,” I replied impatiently, “To celebrate Kim’s acting debut, or maybe she won some award, or maybe even it’s a party to celebrate Kim simply to remind the rest of the family who the important one is. Any stupid explanation will do. These people are reality TV stars; they’re accustomed to being in terrible story lines.”
GMZ nodded and left, but the rest of my team waited behind.
“Can’t we please talk about this a little more? You’re doing the same bloody thing you did with Trump,” Damien pointed out.
“We put it to a vote, Damien,” I reminded him, “See, that’s how a democracy works: People vote, and the winners of that vote decide what’s going to happen. I know that this concept must be difficult for you to grasp, since you live under the rule of the Queen and all.”
“We’ve had a democratically elected Parliament for the past 208 years, asswipe,” Damien snapped.
“It would be much easier if we had literally any more information,” Lady Smash explained, “Like, how is Kim Kardashian’s ass hypnotizing people, or if it has other powers, like the ability to create clouds and thunder, or possibly if it could shoot deadly missiles.”
“Hey that’s a good idea,” I replied, “Theoretically, it could have some more mind manipulating- Wait, are you being serious, or did you just make a make a poop and fart joke.”
“I did. But that first part was totally serious.”
“It couldn’t hurt going into this fight a little better informed,” Everett added.
The others murmured in agreement.
“Fine,” I yielded, “We’ll prepare for the next four days. We’ll gather up intel on Kim, her family, and her ass, but we’ll have to do this the right way. Damien, Go up and tell GMZ to schedule the party for four days from tonight. Then plan out some cardio workouts for tonight to make sure we’re all in good enough shape to fight.”
Rather grumpily, he replied with a simple, “Fine,” and exited my room.
I turned to my two female teammates and said, “Lady Smash and Phlegm, since the ass has no effect on you, go up to the Watch Tower and find out what ever you can about it.” I turned to Derren and Criss and continued, “I’ll need you two to watch as much of ‘Keeping Up With The Kardashians’ as you can. We won’t be able to get a blueprint of their house without a permit or breaking into where ever those are kept, but we can learn enough about the layout from the show. Also look for any weaknesses she might have. Everett and Nut’n Fancy, do some research on friends and the rest of the family. Go back through the family tree. Look for anything that might be relevant. Also look into Bruce Jenner’s family. I don’t trust that face.”
“What do you want me to do, Boss?” Jessie asked in an upbeat tone. Despite having voted against the the idea that Kim Kardashian’s ass is hypnotic, he still seemed excited to go on any adventure at all.
“Do a walk through maintenance inspection on the Awesomecopter!,” I answered, “And try to make it as quiet as possible. We’ll be in a residential neighborhood, so we’ll need to keep it quiet.”
“You know that the Awesomecopter! is a helicopter, right?” He asked me, “I can’t just make it silent.”
“Fine,” I replied, “Do something to make the Awesomebus! quieter and more inconspicuous.”
He nodded and left, as did the rest of the team to carry out their various tasks. I stood up from my bed, paced across my room, and began brainstorming how we were going to break into the Kardashian residence.