OK There are some pictures that my friends are drawing for me that I’m still waiting for, so you should probably check back within the next couple of days to see them. Trust me, these pictures will be amazing.
[Exterior: School yard. Snow is falling from the grey sky above, and it blankets the ground. Several yelling school children rush out of the old building and into the yard to play in the snow. Two of the boys start building a snow man and ask a girl named Karen to make the head. As she is rolling a snow ball, she sees two legs sticking out of a large snow drift.]
Karen- Hey guys! Look what I found!
[The kids rush over to see the pair of legs.]
Boy in brown sweater- What is it?
Boy in red sweater- It looks like a man!
Girl in pink skirt- He’s not wearing a shirt!
Boy in brown sweater- He’s gonna get sick that way!
Boy in blue sweater- I hate getting sick.
Man in the snow drift- [muffled by the snow] Will all of you please just shut the fuck up!
[The children gasp and look at one another. The man squirms and twists, but is able to free himself from the snow drift. He is, in fact, shirtless. He is muscular and has long curly brown hair. When he turns to face them, his expression immediately goes from angry to confused.]
Long haired man- What the fuck? Why do all of you look like that?
Karen- Like what, sir?
Long haired man- All big eyed and animated like? Thank God I don’t look like you freaks…[looks at his hands sees that they’re animated too.] Jesus Christ the snow plow driver! I’m animated too! My Face! My Beautiful, beautiful face! NOOOO!
(Pic to come later)
[The long haired man falls to his knees and begins to weep uncontrollably. The boy in the green hat and coat walks over and begins to pat him on the back.]
Little boy in Green hat and coat – It’s OK mister. You just look like the rest of us.
[With tears in his eyes, the long haired man looks up to the green hatted boy, and then to the group of confused looking kids.]
Long haired man- [pointing to the green hatted boy] Does this kid always say the stupidest things?
Karen- Yeah. We try to ignore him.
Boy in red sweater- So what’s your name, Mister?
[All the other kids chime in with that same question, making it impossible for the long haired man to talk.]
Long haired man- If you all shut the hell up, I’ll tell you!
Little boy in Green hat and coat- Is your name Oatmeal?
Long haired man- [stares at the Green hatted boy for a second and then says] If I wasn’t so sure that you’re retarded, I’d spit in your face right now. [He then looks to the rest of the kids] My name is Minigan Blackwood, and I am a Doctor of Awesome.
Girl in the pink dress- You don’t look like any doctor I’ve ever seen.
Minigan- Yeah? Well, you look like a bitch, and you’re wearing a short skirt in the middle of a blizzard, so you’re probably a dumb bitch.
Karen- C’mon guys. Let’s get back to building our snowman- this guy is really mean.
[The children leave Minigan, who at the moment seems more interested with the hole he had climbed out of than the children he was talking to. After rummaging around in the hole for a minute or two, he walks up to the children, who had almost finished their snowman.]
Karen- The head is the most difficult part!
Minigan- Are you high, or just incredibly stupid? You gave the snowman snow arms that hang down at the snowman’s sides, but to you, the head is hard?
Boy in brown sweater- Well, what do you do for a snow man’s arms?
Minigan- I use goddamn sticks!
Boy in red sweater- Sticks?! That’s actually a great idea!
Boy in brown sweater- That would save us so much time! Why hadn’t we ever thought of that?
Minigan- Because this entire universe is inhabited by idiots. Which, by the way, have any of you seen a magical top hat recently?
[The boy in the blue sweater places two pieces of coal where the eyes are supposed to go, and a button for the nose.]
Karen- [Ignoring Minigan] We should name him Frosty!
Boy in Brown sweater- Frosty?
Boy in red sweater- Yeah! Frosty it is.
[The children cheer and laugh and then they all join hands and begin to sing, “Frosty The Snowman”]
Minigan- [To himself] Oh God, I know what’s going on here. [He then yells at the singing children] Hey assholes! Have any of you seen a magical top hat? I need it to get back home!
[Just then, the doors to the school open, and Professor Ickle runs out, chasing a rabbit inside a top hat. He catches the rabbit, but the wind carries the top hat to Karen, who places it on the snowman’s head. The snowman comes to life.]
Frosty- Happy Birthday!
Minigan- SWEET VIRGIN MOTHER OF DIRTY FUCKS! POSSESSED SNOWMAN! KILL IT!
[Minigan pulls out a gun, and fires a shot right between Frosty’s eyes. Frosty tries to look at the hole in his head and lets out a dumb laugh.]
Minigan- Oh, he’s retarded too. [puts gun away] Of course- Every person so far has been a complete moron, of course an abomination snow man- an abomination-able snowman if you will- would be dumb as hell too. But all of that is beside the point. That top hat is what brought me here, and I need it to get back. The “It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia” Christmas Special is going to be on any minute back in my own, not retarded, universe, and that hat is my only way back there.
Girl in pink dress- But we found it! It’s ours now.
Minigan- Finding something does not mean you own it, you little snot, it means that someone is looking for it. And seeing as though I said I was looking for it before you found it, it is safe to say that it is actually mine.
Karen- That hat brought Frosty to life! It must be magic!
Professor/ magician Ickle- My hat, magic? If my hat is magic, then I want it back!
Minigan- First of all, who the fuck are you? And secondly, Is no one fucking listening to me? I brought it with me from my world.
Professor/ Magician Ickle- My name is Professor Ickle, the magician, and you didn’t bring it from your world; I accidentally summoned you. It’s still my hat, I just thought I had used up all the magic in it.
Minigan- What the hell are you a professor of? Asshattedness and old god-awful parlor tricks?
Karen- But then you threw the hat away Professor Ickle, which makes it ours for Frosty.
Professor/ Magician Ickle- And now I’m taking it back.
[The magician pulls the top hat off of Frosty’s head, turning him back into a regular snowman. He then grabs the red eyed rabbit, Hocus Pocus, and stuffs him into the hat.]
Minigan- Holy crap! Did you guys see that rabbit?! It’s eyes are blood shot! Oh man, that rabbit’s so high!
[Minigan falls to the ground, hysterical with laughter, and The magician marches off. When Minigan is able to calm himself back down, about a minute later, he climbed to his feet.]
Minigan- Hey! Where did that asshole magician go with that top hat?
Karen- He took the hat and told us that Snowmen can’t come to life. You saw Frosty come to life, didn’t you, mister?
Minigan- I sure did. And I’ll be damned if I let that douche take that hat away. [marches off to steal the hat back from the magician as the children cheer him on. Once he is far enough away from those gullible kids, he says to himself,] I don’t give a quarter of a shit if the magician keeps the hat, I just want to get back and watch the “It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia” Christmas Special. I’ll be damned if I let some fucking snowman or some magician with a weird chin and his stoner rabbit stop me from seeing it.
[Minutes later, Minigan catches up with the Magician Ickle, and tackles him]
Minigan- Give me the hat, you failure of a professor and a magician!
Professor/ Magician Ickle- Never! [he bites Minigan on the arm with his buck teeth, and Miniagan lets out a shriek. Unbeknownst to the two fighting men, the rabbit is hopping away with the top hat.]
Minigan- That hurt, you bastard! What kind of adult not high on bath salts bites another fucking person?! You are a fucking asshole, and I hope you die a fiery fucking death.
Professor/ Magician Ickle- Where did you learn to talk, young man? Your language is nasty, nasty, nasty.
Minigan-Yeah? Well, I may curse a lot, but at least I didn’t summon anyone into a universe full of morons and then refuse to send them back! And by the way, I was planning on letting you have the hat once I was done with it, but now I’d rather let those snot-nosed kids have it.
Professor/ Magician Ickle- But the hat is mine!
Minigan- Tough tits, Professor Shit For Brains!
[Both men then realize that Professor Ickle was no longer wearing the hat. After a few seconds of searching, they agree that Hocus Pocus must’ve taken it back to the children. Right as they’re about to head back to the school yard, they hear a scream from a couple of blocks away. Together, they run to where they think the scream came from to find a traffic cop yelling in the street, his pants wet with fear urine. With every breath he takes, he lets out a weird whistling noise.]
Minigan- Officer, thank God. Have you seen a bunch of children walking around with a living snowman?
Police officer- Aaaaahhhh! Yes! They just passed this way! I was about to fine the snowman when the kids told me that he had just come to life. That’s when I realized that I was talking to a snowman! [begins to hyperventilate, short peeps come from his open mouth.] They made me swallow my whistle!
Minigan- Oh that sucks- wait. Why did it take you until they told you that he had just come to life for you to notice that he was a snowman? That should be the first thing you notice, followed closely by how he’s making a bunch of kids march behind him. Seriously, is there anyone in this universe that isn’t dangerously stupid?
[Interior, train station. Minigan and Professor Ickle step away from the barred teller window after asking the teller if he had seen a group of kids and a living snowman come this way.]
Minigan- Yes. Every single person in this universe is dangerously stupid.
Professor/ Magician Ickle- There they are! [points out a nearby window to a refrigerator car on a nearby train where the kids and Frosty are standing] They’re trying to board the refrigerator car!
Minigan- Good! Let’s get that ha- [Professor Ickle hits Minigan over the head with a large steel bar, knocking Minigan to the ground.]
Professor/ Magician Ickle- Sorry, Mr. Blackwood, but if you get that hat, you’ll be taking it with you back to your world, and I cannot let that happen. That hat will make me a millionaire magician!
[Professor Ickle laughs as he leaves Minigan laying on the floor, not dead, but knocked out. Once outside, he yelled at the kids]
Professor/ Magician Ickle- Give me that hat, you kids! It is mine, and I will not let you take it with you- where ever you’re going.
Boy in red sweater- No! Frosty needs it to live!
Karen- We won’t let you take it. (The other kids chime in in agreement)
Minigan- Well, that sucks for all of you because I’m taking it. [Minigan is bleeding from the side of his head as he walks up from behind Professor Ickle and pistol whips him. He then pulls out a butane torch that he had stolen from the train station. He lights the torch, and aims it directly at Frosty’s face. He only had it against Frosty’s face for a second, but the damage was already done.]
Minigan- Take that you child abducting abomination-able snow man!
Frosty- ARGH!!! MY EYES! MY TWO EYES MADE OUT OF COAL! THEY’RE STILL BURNING! THEY ARE BURNING THROUGH MY FACE! IT HURTS, IT HUUUURRRTS!!!!
Boy in red sweater- Holy crap!
Boy in blue sweater- What the hell, Minigan?
Minigan- Hey, all of you decided to ignore me, and you decided to not give me the hat. Now you have to face the consequences of those decisions.
[As Frosty blindly flails his arms and screams in agony, Minigan pulls the top hat off of his head, turning Frosty back into a normal (yet disfigured) snowman.]
Minigan-[shoves the top hat onto his head and yells] Get me the Thumpity thump thump out of here!
[Just as he says it, the magician reaches out his hand and grabs onto Minigan’s ankle.]
There was a blinding white flash, and Minigan felt his feet leave the ground. His body began to twist and stretch in unnatural ways, like a Romanian contortionist, or the logic of Donald Trump. He could hear the magician’s laughter all around him, and suddenly, a foreign hand near his chest reached up and pulled the hat off of his head. Minigan began to spin uncontrollably, and then he fell into nothingness.
When Minigan awoke, he was tucked into bed,
praying that stupid douchebag magician was dead.
Minigan jumped from his bed and onto his feet,
he looked in the mirror and his eyes he did meet.
He cried, “Oh no! What the fuck?! God damnit, and boo hoo,
I am now a part of the awful race of the Who!”
(Pic to come later)
Then, from the den he heard such a suspicious noise,
and he knew some green asshole was stealing the toys.
He grabbed his bomboozler, his spring-Sprangler, and his gun,
cause he was gonna shoot the hell out of someone.
As he drew nearer, he heard not one voice, but two:
that piece of shit magician, and Cindy Lou Who.
He peeked through the door, and what did he see?
The grinch in the top hat, stealing the tree.
Minigan stormed into the room, waiving his gun carefree,
and said, “Grinch, you prick, let go of that tree!”
The Grinch set down the tree and grinned a grinch like grin,
“I swear I’m Santy Clause by the beard on my chin.”
Minigan was confused, and unsure of what to do-
how could that asshole magician be The Grinch too?
If The Grinch and the Magician were one in the same,
Clearly that stupid top hat was fucking to blame.
He needed that hat, and he needed it quick-
he needed to get it off that magical prick.
Minigan didn’t want to shoot in front of Cindy Lou,
but then he said, “Fuck it. Grinch, I’m gonna kill you.”
This statement gave Cindy Lou a teary-eyed pause,
“Why do you want to shoot jolly old Santy Clause?”
“That’s not Santa. It’s an imposter, a rat.
Not to mention he stole my magical top hat.”
“I’m not so sure,” said poor naive Cindy Lou Who,
“He wants to fix our tree, Minigan Blackwoo Who.”
“Look at him, he’s fucking hairy and green!
That’s not like any Santa I’ve ever seen!
Plus, his costume looks fake, from his boots to his hat,
how is your skull so thick that you cannot see that?”
Cindy Lou paused, and said, “I guess that makes sense,
Santy Clause, what happened to all our presents?”
The Magician turned Grinch cast a glare at the two Who’s,
this was a fight he wasn’t going to lose.
The Grinch said, “I’ll be up that chimney in a flash,
but first I’ll pummel you with this can of Who-hash.”
“You know what? You can go fuck yourself, you Oscar The Grouch knockoff.”
Neither the grinch nor Cindy Lou knew what to say,
for no one had broken the Who rhyme scheme that way.
After a minute pause, which all three were quite still,
The Grinch blew a whistle whose sound was quite shrill,
The Grinch laughed a laugh that was both grinchy and loud,
and he disappeared up the chimney in a black cloud.
At the last second, Minigan joined the ride,
and the next thing he knew, he was shivering outside.
With the Grinch in his sleigh, and the top-hat on his head,
he sneered at Minigan and to the hat he said,
“Oh magical top-hat, take me away!
Take me to where the infant lay!”
A second white flash blinded Minigan, but he still managed to grab onto the back of the professor/ magician/ Grinch. Once again, Minigan felt his body uncomfortably twist and stretch in unnatural ways, then there was a loud pop, and everything went black.
When Minigan awoke this time, he was in the dark, in a bed made out of straw. He reached for the nightstand, but there was only a single wax candle.
“Where am I know?” he said. He looked down to see his outfit. “Oh hell, I’m wearing a night gown. I better not be in “A Christmas Carol.” Those parodies are so tired. Anything that The Muppets have stuck their noses into is worn out and clichè.”
Minigan rose from his bed and walked to the door. When he exited his room, he had entered a candle lit hallway. At the end and down a set of stairs was a desk with the inn’s keeper. When Minigan approached, the clerk said, “Minigan, how was your rest so far? Do you want a key to another one of your rooms?”
And Minigan said, “No. I’m fine- wait, what do you mean by ‘other rooms?”
The inn keeper said unto Minigan, “You rented out all of my rooms for the night so that you could sleep in many different beds and find your favorite.”
And Minigan said to the keeper of the Inn, “Yeah- that does sound like something I would say… has anyone shown up in search of a place to stay?”
And the Inn keeper said, “Well, there was this man and his wife who requested a room. I told them that I had no room left, but I offered them the stable out back. The woman was pregnant and about to give birth.”
“The woman was in labor and you didn’t offer her one of my rooms?!’ Minigan said unto the Inn keeper.
The inn keeper reminded Minigan and said, “But sir, you payed for all the rooms and didn’t want to be disturbed unless it was an emergency. What was I supposed to do?”
“A woman giving birth is kind of an emergency!” Minigan replied, “I would have absolutely given up one of the rooms for her. You should’ve just asked me before you kicked her dilated vagina to the fucking barn! What kind of heartless monster are you?”
And with that, Minigan put on his sandals and headed out to the stable. For if this poor woman was about to give birth, she should do it someplace that is cleaner than a where animals defecate. On his way to the stable, Minigan accosted a shepherd, beat him, and then stole his cloak and staff.
Minigan said unto the shepherd boy, “I thank you, kind shepherd. May the Lord bless you and your loved ones on this holiest of nights.” Minigan then left the knocked out and bleeding shepherd, having gotten what he wanted from the young man. Minigan put on the cloak and entered the stable.
“Jesus Christ.” Minigan said unto himself, realizing what he had beheld in front of him. For the infant had been born and wrapped in swaddling clothes, and then placed in a manger. Mary and Joseph knelt before the new born child thanking the Lord for this gift. The animals all watched from their beds of hay, quietly staring upon the infant savior of man.
Mary noticed Minigan at the entrance of the stable, and said unto him, “Come in, good shepherd, and behold our Lord, Jesus Christ.”
Minigan stepped into the stable and said unto himself, “This is about to get all kinds of sacrilegious.”
As the three of them beheld the wonder of the sleeping infant king, a bright, dazzling light appeared outside. Beams of golden light shown through separations in the wood. When the flashing golden light stopped, The Magician entered the stable, looking like himself yet with large, majestic wings, and Minigan said unto him, “You! Get out of this holy place, for the Lord and Savior is born!” Minigan then said to the couple, “You shall not let this man in the presence of the savior! He is a trickster, a deceiver, a practitioner of the Dark Arts, and he is not to be trusted!” Minigan pulled out his gun once again, pointed it at the Professor/Magician/Grinch/Angel, and said unto him, “Give me that crown or be cast back into the inferno from whence you came!”
The Angel smirked and said to Minigan, “You wouldn’t dare lash out against me for preventing you from seeing your Television show, would you?”
And Minigan replied to the Angel and said, “Have you seen, ‘A Very Sunny Christmas?’ Danny DeVito’s character sows himself into a leather sofa and then climbs out of it naked in the middle of a party. It’s hysterical. And if killing you is how I’m going to see it again, then so be it.”
But right as Minigan was about to shoot, Mary stopped him and said unto him, “No! This is the angel, Gabriel, who visited me nine months ago to tell me that I were to give birth to the son of God.”
And Joseph said, “And he is the same man who came to me and told me to not divorce Mary. This is truly an angel.”
And the angel agreed with Mary and Joseph and said, “It is true. I am the angel Gabriel, and I am here to see the son of God.”
The angel leaned over the manger and whispered a prayer to the infant Christ. Minigan walked up to Mary and said unto her, “Virgin Mary, Mother of God, does the angel you see appear to have an overly large chin and two large front teeth, and is he wearing a strange black crown to you as well?”
Mary said to Minigan, “Of course, shepherd. He has told me that all angles look and dress the way he does.
“You sick son of a bitch!” Minigan said to the still praying angel, “I know exactly what you have done.”
The angel turned to Minigan and said unto him, “You shall not blaspheme in front of our Lord, Minigan, for this infant is the savior to humanity, and you should not speak of situations better left in the past.”
This Gave Minigan Pause. If he was to expose the Magician for what he really is, this could put Mary and Jesus in a lot of danger. But Minigan could not let this injustice go unpunished, so Minigan said unto the Angle/ magician/ professor, “Do you hear what I hear?”
As the magician was about to answer, Minigan pulled out his gun and shot him, sending a bullet into his head. The animals stirred, and the infant Jesus began to cry. Before Mary or Joseph could stop him, Minigan ran to the magician’s body, grabbed the top hat, and ran off into the night.
Minigan placed the hat on his head and said, “Take me home,” but nothing happened. He tried again, and said, “Take me home,” but still nothing happened. Minigan then pulled off the hat, threw it on the ground, and fired two shots into it. He then began to jump on the hat and yelled, “Take me fucking home!”
A light grew from inside the hat as Minigan stood over top of it. Small fissures began to grow around the sides of the crumpled hat and stretched up to the brim. The world began to shake. In an instant, a white flash pulsed out from the hat, blinding Minigan, and once again Minigan felt his body twist and stretch. However, this time, Minigan felt like he was going too fast. He spun out of control, even more than before, and he felt his body twist and roll in ways that felt uncomfortable this time. Then, everything went black.
When I opened my eyes this time, I was in my own bed. There was no Suessian rhyming, no stupid children and child abducting snowman, and no poor Israelites and barn animals! I was home! What Joy! Oh what luck! It was all a dream, a terrible, hard to follow dream! I hadn’t missed the “It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia” Christmas Special after all! I was about to go back to sleep when my mom entered the room.
“Minigan, Merry Christmas! I brought you up Aunt Clara’s present! Put it on then hurry up and come down stairs. Your brother, Randy, is already halfway through his presents, and if you don’t hurry, he’s going to open yours too.”
“Randy, my annoying little brother. Of course he would wake up early Christmas Morning and not bother to wake me. What an inconsiderate- I DON’T HAVE A LITTLE BROTHER NAMED RANDY OR AN AUNT CLARA!!!
I jumped off of my bed and shoved my glasses onto my face. How could this be? This was my room, but everything was slightly off. Everything was mine, yet unfamiliar. And I was wondering why my inner monologues were being voiced by a cheap, Adam West impersonator. Hey, fuck you kid.
I headed downstairs wearing Aunt Clara’s gift to me, because was a bastard and I deserved everything I got back then, and when my family saw me, they laughed and laughed.
I would have been upset with them, or even embarrassed, but I was too confused by the changes that had been made to my family to care. My parents and my house were the same, but I had a little brother that I didn’t have before. Damn it! When I destroyed the hat and demanded that it take me home it must have let some of “A Christmas Story” leak in! Oh God, please, please, please not let any other Christmas stories leak into my already mediocre universe! I heard sirens and saw flashing lights.
“Ooooohhhhhhh fuuuuuuuuuuuuuudge.” except I didn’t say ‘fudge.’ I said the big one. The one word that I’m not supposed to say. Again.
“Again!” My mom yelled as I ran out of the room. “Minigan, you’re gonna get it!”
I didn’t care, not then at least. I had to get outside to see what damage I had done. As soon as I did, I saw Cousin Eddy sticking a hose into the sewer drain.
He waived to me and called, “Merry Christmas! Shitter’s full!”
And oh no! Across the street and down one house down, at that creepy Kevin McCallister’s place, the police had gathered and were arresting two battered looking men. One man was screaming, “We are the Wet Bandits!” while the other was ranting about how he wanted to kill some kid; I assumed he meant Kevin.
I looked down the street and my heart sank even lower! Unnoticed by everyone but me, there was a large jet black Locomotive sitting in the middle of the street. A kid jumped out of one of the cars and ran into the nearest house. The train sped forward several yards and then vanished! Oh God, what have I done?! I fell to my knees, reached up to the God who had clearly forsaken me and screamed, “Noooooooooooooo!!!!”
And while Minigan screamed, Tim Allen was far, far away,
Climbing out of the last chimney this Christmas Day.
He jumped in his sleigh, and he flew out of sight,
yelling, “Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!”
But little did Santa know that in the back of his sleigh,
Was a nefarious, glue sniffing, white trash stowaway.
Once they were up, up high in the sky,
Charlie Kelly emerged and gave Santa the stink eye.
Charlie leaned to Santa’s ear, and after a pause,
Asked, “Did you fuck my mom, Santy Clause?”