A Short Story For My Cousin on His Birthday (Which He Ignored)

Hi friends! No, I’m not dead (at least not physically). For those who have read my blog before, sorry I haven’t posted anything in a year. I promise to finish the Kim Kardassian posts soon. For those of you who are unfamiliar to my bullshit, welcome! Thank you for wasting your time with me.

I assume you’re happy to be here as well.

So, the reason I called you all here is because the worst thing that could ever happen to a person happened to me a few weeks ago: I wrote an excellent Happy Birthday post on my cousin’s Facebook page and he ignored me.

I know. I was mortified too.

Here’s what happened- last month, I was with my immediate family when my sister pointed out that it was our cousin’s (whom, for purposes of this blog, we shall call Joey Jojo Shabadoo) Birthday. But since I was with family, I chose to wait until later to wish Joey Jojo a happy Birthday. And then I forgot. I’ll be the first to admit that that part was on me. And I felt bad that I missed it, so I decided to write a story for him as an apology/ a birthday gift, because who doesn’t love being forced read things shortly after their birthday?

So, I wrote him the story, a story that centuries from now will be hailed as the greatest literary triumph of our time, and posted it to his page a mere two days late. Two! And he didn’t even “like” it, the monster.

So that’s why I’m posting it here today, because someone needs to read it. And if it won’t be the intended recipient, it will be strangers on the Internet.

Enjoy!

Happy Belated Birthday Joey Jojo! I’m so sorry I missed your birthday Sunday, but I have a really good reason! See, it was midday on Sunday, and I was sitting outside at one of the hundreds of French bistros that litter Columbus Ohio, eating a croissant and drinking a latte that Columbus is known worldwide for, when I checked my phone and saw that it was your birthday. “I must think of something profound to write my cousin on this day,” I thought to myself, “he only deserves the best.”

I closed my eyes, just for a moment, to concentrate on the perfect musing to send your way. As I concentrated, a sentence formed in my mind. It shown like a golden beacon of enlightenment amongst an impenetrable night of mindless well wishes. I had found my profound wish to you.

But when I opened my eyes again, my phone was gone! Snatched! Pilfered!

“Son of a wrench… bojangles… Smith!” I thought to myself. “Sweet Virgin mother of dirty fucks!” I shouted because that’s far more coherent than what I thought. I turned to my fellow diners and asked if they saw the phone thief. They all babbled unintelligible nonsense, but all pointed the same direction: towards a weaselly looking man running towards the river. I gave chase, and almost immediately toppled over some weird guy in a beret.

“Sacre bleu!” The human obstacle cried.

“Lousy gibberish! I yelled back.

I continued my chase through the scenic beauty of Columbus Ohio until phone thief and I reached the Scioto river, or as the locals call it, the Seine.

By mistake, the villain ran onto a bridge that was closed halfway across due to construction. I had him trapped.

“Give me back my phone, fuck stick,” I ordered.

The weaselly man gave me a weaselly smile, and without a word, dove over the railing. I ran to where he jumped off and looked over the edge. And wouldn’t you know it, that phone thief landed right on one of the used Kleenex barges that traverse the river every hour. The man waved goodbye to me and laughed a weaselly laugh as he passed the Eiffel Tower.

Wait. Eiffel Tower? Of course! I wasn’t in Columbus at all- I was in Paris! Normally, finding yourself in Paris is a bad thing, but it just so happened that I have a friend who lives in Paris that has helped me in many similar situations before. I needed Draxyl.

Draxyl was one tough customer with a pale fa with small, black triangles tattooed above and below his eyes. Beyond his intimidating exterior, Draxyl was a man of few words and many actions; and he isn’t like that just because he’s a mime.

No one ever suspects the mime. But you should.

I found Draxyl on his normal street corner, performing a mime show for a group of tourists. As soon as he saw me amongst the gawkers in the crowd, he collapsed to the ground and began faking a heart attack. Many of the tourists groaned in disappointment and shuffled away. See, most tourists don’t realize that mimes are actually people, so when one dies, they move onto the next one. Draxyl uses this ignorance to his advantage.

Once the crowd had dispersed, Draxyl stood up, brushed himself off, and gestured for me to follow him.

He lead me, as we walked against the wind, to his hideout, which was an abandoned warehouse in the middle of the city.

He opened the door for me, and as soon as I entered, I was greeted by the thick, musty air and a thin young man with tan skin babbling at me.

“Minigan welcome. We’ve been expecting you,” the young man said to me in a Brooklyn accent , “I am Vinny Tyrese Archibald Patrick Saiid Makoto Borowitz-Gutierrez, but you can call me ‘#TheMouth.’

“Uh, hey,” I replied, “why were you expecting me?”

“Because we knew you were coming,” two voices answered in unison from behind me.

I turned to see a pair of identical twins, dressed in the same out fit and identical haircuts on their blond heads, staring past me.

“We are the Sagittarius Twins,” they said in unison again.

“Nice to meet you,” I replied, “but why Sagittarius? Shouldn’t you call yourselves the Gemini Twins?”

“No,” they said together, “because our last name isn’t Gemini.”

“Fair enough.”

“The Sagittarius Twins are our experts in the mystic arts. They melded their minds about three years ago, and now they are one being in two different bodies,” #TheMouth explained. “We have one more teammate for you to meet,” he continued, “once she decides to make her entrance…”

“I’m coming, I’m coming,” a seductive Russian voice said from the shadows.

From those shadows emerged a stunning woman with jet black hair and hips that swung from side to side with every step she took in her black leather catsuit.

With a seductive smile, she stepped in close to me and breathed, “Hello, Minigan, I am Svetlana Lustnaughtlov, and I am-how do you say- charmed to meet you.”

“Well, Svetlana,” I replied with a smile, “It’s a pleasure to meet you too.” Then, putting my hands on her shoulders, I added, “Now, if you would please step the fuck off, you’re crowding me.”

I pushed her by her shoulders three full fucking steps backwards. Her smile melted into a look of shock and rejection. Fucking Russians, man.

“So, Minigan,” #TheMouth said, “we knew that you were coming, but not why. So, what brings you here looking for our help?”

“Someone stole my phone!” I cried.

The team began to gasp, but then exchanged puzzles looks.

“You can get a new phone. You don’t need us for that.”

“You don’t understand,” I pleaded, “today is my cousin’s birthday, and I need to wish him a happy birthday. He is such an amazing, such an opulent specimen of humanity that he makes makes all other humans, but especially my siblings, look like sweaty garbage. ” I then explained the words of wisdom I wanted to share with you. Their jaws dropped. The air became less musty. The Sagittarius Twins shed identical tears.

Draxyl looked at me with awe and said, “Minigan, you slick son of a-“

“Ok we’ll do it!” #The Mouth interrupted, “I’ll get on my computer and track your phone number. Svetlana, I want you to use your spy connections to find out why someone would take Minigan’s phone. The Twins, I need you to search through Minigan’s memories for any clues.

It took twelve hours. Twelve. Fucking. Hours. Before anyone was able to find anything. And the entire time, #TheMouth talked at me about mundane bullshit that wasn’t about where my phone was. Apparently, my phone was stolen in a worldwide, coordinated attempt to use a app to gain control over the world’s volcanos.

“That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.” I said to this group of idiots wasting my time.

“It’s true, Darling,” Svetlana replied, “My sources told me that an American’s phone is the key to taking control of the volcanoes. I believe that it’s your phone.”

“What? Why my phone?”

The five of them shrugged.

“Great,” I sigh, “well, what are we going to do now? It’s already passed midnight here, which means that it’s 6:00 in the evening back in the States. I only have 6 hours left to get my phone back.”

“And save the world!” #TheMouth added.

“Meh, let’s get my phone first, then we can worry about the world.”

“Alrighty then,” #TheMouth replied, “Let’s get a move on then. We need to get to Mount Vesuvius in Italy. That’s where the chain reaction is supposed to start.”

Great. First it ruins Pompeii, and then it’s central to a nefarious plot to steal my phone. Ugh. This mountain is the worst.

Draxyl lead us to the chopper, and within minutes, we were darting across the Parisian night sky on our way to Italy.

At some point during the trip I fell asleep, and when I awoke, the morning sun was already peaking over the horizon and #TheMouth was still taking about whatever the fuck he was talking about before we left. Shit. I asked for the time. It was 7:15. Double shit. I missed your birthday by an hour and a half. But I knew I could recover from that, as long as I could deliver the musing to you soon.

“We’re getting close!” #TheMouth yelled, “I can see Naples now.

“What’s our plan once we get there, Mouth?” I asked.

“Huh?” He replied, “That’s not my nickname.”

“Sorry. #TheMouth.”

He gave me a weird look. “Hey, you’re pronouncing the first part of my name all wrong. You need to say it like someone who isn’t a millennial.”

I was about to respond when an explosion rocked the cabin of the helicopter. Alarms went off. Svetlana and I screamed. She tried to grab onto me, but I swatted her away.

“We’ve been hit!” #TheMouth yelled from his seat up front, “We’re going down!”

A couple enemy helicopters flew past us, then turned to face us head on.

“Sagittarius Twins,” #TheMouth yelled, “Do something to stop them!”

The Sagittarius Twins stood up from their seats, and pressed their hands against the window. Suddenly, the cabin shook again, and I watched as a Great white shark flew past us and towards our attackers. In no time at all, the shark had destroyed the helicopters and vanished into nothing.

We all cheered.

“Great job you two!” I said to the Twins.

Draxyl called back from the pilot’s seat, “Minigan, you slick son of a-“

The cabin door exploded open, and the resulting pressure drop pulled one of the twins out of the cabin. The remaining one fell to the floor, thrashed and shrieked for a few seconds before laying comatose on the floor.

We were still going down- barreling straight towards The side of Mount Vesuvius. Reaching as far as I could, I grabbed the remaining Sagittarius Twin and pulled him close to me. We hit the ground on an angle, and we all lurched forward until the mangled remains of the fuselage came to a stop.

I got up from my seat, my head pounding and my legs weak, and rushed to the twin, who had slipped from my grasp when we hit ground.

“Other Sagittarius Twin, are you ok?” I asked as I shook him.

He didn’t respond.

“I think this one is Scorpio,” #TheMouth replied.

I looked at him, “really? Scorpio Sagittarius?”

“Yep. The other one was named Taurus.”

“I don’t know their parents, but I already hate them,” I spat.

#TheMouth scolded me, “Don’t day that! Both their parents died last year!”

“That is terrible!” Svetlana cried as she wrapped her arms around me, making

sure to place one hand on my chest.

I slapped her away. “What the fuck did I tell you? Stay out of my personal space!” Then, looking to #TheMouth, I asked, “How did they die?”

“Cancer.”

“You’ve got to be shitting me.”

Deafening pangs of metal against metal shook us from our conversation and

brought us back to the task at hand.

#TheMouth said, “Minigan, go with Svetlana and Draxyl and get to the peak of Vesuvius. I’ll stay here and tend to Scorpio.”

Draxyl handed me a gun with a wink, and then kicked open the still intact door and started firing. He then grabbed onto an invisible rope and pulled himself out of the mangled helicopter. Svetlana and I followed.

Shots rang out from all around us as we sprinted for cover and fired at any enemy we saw.

When we made it part way up the mountain, the gunfire stopped and everything was still. The three of us took a sigh of relief and lowered our rifles. Draxyl strode ahead of us and then stopped abruptly. He put his hands out in front of them, and they hit an invisible barrier. He spun around, annoyed, opened his mouth to say something. But before he could say anything or even take a step, he hit another invisible wall. Svetlana and I ran to him. He pounded on the walls of the invisible box he was trapped in. Screaming things that couldn’t reach our ears.

“Look!” Svetlana yelled as she pointed to a nearby boulder, “An axe!”

She was right. Sitting against the boulder was a gleaming axe. She ran for it and brought it back to us.

“I’ll get you out of there, Draxyl!” She screamed as she swung the blade at the prison.

The axe passed through the invisible barrier and missed Draxyl by a fraction of an inch. He jumped back and screamed something we couldn’t hear. He pointed to the ground. There was nothing there. He made a chopping motion and then pointed to the same spot. I shrugged to Svetlana and reached to where he was pointing. Then, my hand touched something where there was nothing. I grabbed ahold of what felt like a handle, and moved my hand up to find a head. It was an axe.

I spun back to Draxyl and raised the invisible axe above my head and swung down. There was a crack and then a shatter. Draxyl tumbled out of the broken box.

“Minigan,” he gasped, “You slick son of a-“

“Thank me later,” I said, pulling him to his feet, “let’s just get my phone and stop this volcano thing or whatever.”

We reached the top of Vesuvius within a half an hour and without further altercations. The crater atop Vesuvius was deserted. We looked over the side. Down, deep in the crater we could see the glow of the magma, smell the stench from the sulfur, and feel the heat hitting our faces.

Just as we were about to step back from the precipice, three sets of arms grabbed ahold of us and dragged away.

“Well, well, well, it looks like we found our intruders,” a man with a British accent and an eyepatch said to us. “You must be the famous Mercenary Draxyl Gruntmuffin. Then this must be your sexy assassin Svetlana Lustnaughtlov.” The man looked to me and gave me a cruel grin. “I take it that you are the owner of this phone.”

Belligerent Crumblebrunch! I should have known!

He waved my phone at me. I tried to lunge for it, but the goon holding me was too strong. The man laughed.

“It is perfect that you came here, because it turns out that I need you to open the app that starts the chain reaction.”

“I never downloaded any app that controls volcanoes, idiot. You got the wrong guy.”

The man smiled and replied in a calm tone, “but let me ask. If you had downloaded the app, would you tell me you did?”

“Well, no.”

The man’s smirk grew.

“Ok,” I conceded, “Give me the phone and I’ll open whatever app you want.”

The goon let me go, and Eyepatch handed me the phone. I let out a sigh of relief feeling my phone back in my hands. And then, I kicked the goon that was holding me in the stomach and ran off. The goon stumbled backwards and fell screaming into the crater.

“GET HIM!”

I sprinted to the other side of the mountain, looking through the apps to find the one they were looking for. Hidden deep on the third apps page was “Volcano King 2000!” I opened it. Suddenly, the earth shook around me. J looked up and found myself on the other side of the crater from Eyepatch and his goons.

“HE OPENED THE APP. GET THE PHONE FROM HIM!”

The ground rumbled again, and the crater in front of me grew. The earth crumbled beneath the goons feet, and the two of them tumbled in. Then, Draxyl picked up the invisible axe and swung it at Eyepatch’s face. He dodged the attack, only to get kicked into the fiery hole by Svetlana.

I jumped and cheered for the team. And then I felt the ground give way below my feet. I dove away from the hole, but it wasn’t enough, and I was just able to grab onto the ledge with my free hand.

Svetlana was the first to reach me.

“Give me the the phone,” she ordered.

“Pull me up!” I yelled back.

“No. You refused my advances all this time. Give me your phone. I shall be the one controlling the world’s volcanoes.”

“Ok first of all, I rejected your advances because you kept getting in my space.”

“And what’s second?” She asked.

“This,” said a voice from behind her.

Svetlana rose into the air on her own, and then soared down into the magma pool, screaming until she was submerged.”

Gross… that she always insisted on invading my personal space.

“Scorpio!” I cried as he pulled me out of the hole, “You saved me!”

“I am not Scorpio.”

“Taurus!?”

“No. Taurus managed to assimilate three others before he died. We are now the

Sagittarius Quadruplets now.”

“Oh ok,” I replied, “That’s not alarming at all.”

I deleted the app off my phone, and once I did, I could feel the Earth go calm.

Draxyl walked up to me and clapped his hand on my back. “Minigan, you slick son of a-“

“Draxyl, take me home.” I interrupted, “I have a birthday apology to write.

And that (plus the fact that this totally real explanation of totally real events took me a day to write) is why my birthday greeting is so late. And I would share with you the profound musing I came up with, but in all the excitement, I totally forgot what it was. Sorry, and I hope your birthday was amazing.

See? That totally deserved a response, and not just a measly Facebook like. Anyway, I hope you all enjoyed the story more than my ungrateful cousin. And together, maybe we can shame him into reading it and basking in its glory.

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Awesomesquad! Assemble! 2! (Revisited!)- Part 2!!

Hey everyone, this is a continuation of last week’s post, so if you didn’t read that one, catch up here. Otherwise, let’s continue.

Kim Kardassian

*****

“Did you kill him?”

“Of course I didn’t kill him.”

“Because it kind of looks like you killed him.”

“I didn’t kill him”

“He does kinda look like he’s dead.”

“He’s not dead!”

“Did you check his pulse?”

“No.”

“Then I guess you don’t know if he’s dead or not, now do you?”

“He’s not dead!”

“Who’s dead?” I mumbled.

“Oh good, he’s waking up,” I heard Lady Smash say.

“You’re dead,” Derren’s voice answered.

“Hey guys!” Jessie’s voice exclaimed, “Who killed Minigan?”

“Shut up, Jessie,” I snapped.

“See, he’s totally not dead,” Lady Smash confirmed.

I opened my eyes and found Jessie, Lady Smash, Phlegm, Criss, and Derren looking down on me. We were in my room. My head pulsed with pain. I tried to rub it, but I couldn’t move my hands. I looked to them and found that I had been bound to my bed with hot pink, fuzzy handcuffs.

“In case you tried to do anything stupid again,” Lady Smash explained as I pulled on the handcuffs.

“OK, well you can let me go now,” I replied.

“No can do,” Phlegm told me, “The last time we tried that, you tried to molest the TV.”

Damien, GMZ, Everett, and Nut’n Fancy walked into my room, each one holding their head and looking nauseous.

“And why didn’t you tie them to their beds?!” I cried.

“Because they weren’t trying to molest the TV,” Derren quipped.

“What happened, anyway?” Everett asked, “All I remember is watching TV, being interrupted and then thrown into the air.”

“I’ll tell you what happened,” Lady Smash snapped, “You all were so drawn into the cultural black hole that is ‘Keeping Up With The Kardashians’ that you didn’t even hear Phlegm and I come in. To get your attention, I turned off the TV. You all went bezerk, except for Derren and Criss, both of whom are not lousy pervs with poor taste.”

“Wow,” Jessie blurted.

“Yeah,” Phlegm replied, “I always figured Criss to be the most unapologetically perverted one in the group.”

“Hey!”

“Oh, please,” Lady Smash scoffed at Criss, “You always go for the hottest chick to help you preform your magic tricks.”

I began, “That’s weird-”

“I know!” Lady Smash interjected, “Who uses magic to pick up women?”

Criss Angel Trick

Criss, seen here seducing the women in the crowd with his magic.

“No, I meant it’s weird that the only reason we started watching in the first place is because GMZ had freaked out on me for interrupting him.“

“OK, so we pinpointed our patient zero,” Phlegm noted, “But we still don’t know why the show turned you all into drooling morons.”

Still strapped to the bed, I rested my head back on the pillow and recalled what happened before I woke up chained to my bed with kink handcuffs. The Ass. Its image was standing out clearly in my head, and it’s voice (which sounded a lot like Billy D. Williams) echoed in my mind clear enough that it could have been talking into my ear. I heard the echo repeat in its sexy, smooth voice “…You must stop them, even if it means killing them…” I opened my eyes again and gasped.

“Kim Kardashian’s ass! That’s what drew me in!” I exclaimed as I struggled against the restraints, “Her ass must have the ability to hypnotize people!”

“No,” Lady Smash said in a matter-o-factly tone, “You’re just a dirty pervert.”

With a condescending laugh, Damien added, “She’s right, Minigan, Kim Kardashian’s ass isn’t hypnotic. Obviously, that’s ridiculous. There has to be a more rational explanation. Maybe we ate something that had a weird effect on us.”

“Like what?” Derren asked, “Only GMZ ate the brownies, and Lady Smash was the one to make those.”

Everett added, “Yeah, unless Lady Smash put LSD or hallucinogenic mushrooms into all of our food, I doubt what we ate was the cause.”

“All I’m saying is that we should not start a crusade against the Kardashians just because we were acting a little weird,” Damien replied.

“A little weird?!” Phlegm cried. “All of you went bezerk.”

Lady Smash nodded, “Damien, dude, I love it that we are usually on the same side of arguments, but I think you should probably sit this one out because you’re not helping our side at all.”

“Ok,” Damien admitted, “Maybe we did get out of hand, but I still don’t think we were hypnotized my Kim Kardashian’s ass.”

“Where the hell were you when this happened, Damien?” I asked, “Did you not hear Billy D. William’s voice come out of her ass?”

Damien didn’t answer, but Lady Smash looked to Phlegm and then down to me. “OK, You guys are just fucking with us now, right?”

“Can someone please un cuff me from my bed?” I requested, ignoring Lady Smash’s question. I then asked, “And why did you guys use fuzzy handcuffs?”

“They were the only ones we had here,” Phlegm answered as she freed my ankles from their restraints.

“And who had sex handcuffs here?” Criss queried.

Phlegm and Lady Smash looked to a red faced Everett who threw up his hands and cried, “I don’t want to talk about it.”

Once Phlegm had freed my last wrist, I sat up and replied, “I think we need to talk about it.”

“Minigan,” Derren interrupted, “What do you want to do about Kim Kardashian?”

“Wait,” Lady Smash interjected, “You and Criss weren’t acting ‘hypnotized.’ Why do you believe this crap?”

“It didn’t happen to Criss and myself is because we both know how to hypnotize others, which makes it impossible to be hypnotized.”

“So you believe that the Kardashians are harboring a woman with magical ass powers?”

“More like Kardassians,” GMZ quipped.

“Good one, GMZ,” I replied, “Let’s all call her that when we go fight her.”

Lady Smash pinched the bridge of her nose and requested, “Can’t we at least vote on it?”

“Sure,” I replied, “Whoever thinks that Kim Kardassian really does have a hypnotic ass raise your hand.”

Everett, GMZ, Criss, Derren, Nut’n Fancy, and myself raised our hands.

“And whoever thinks that literally any explanation other than ‘Kim K’s ass is magic’ is a better one, raise your hand.”

Phlegm, Jessie, and Damien raised their hands with Lady Smash. She counted the raised hands and scowled at me.

I smiled back at her and announced to my group, “Well, it looks like we’re fighting Kim Kardassian. Everyone get ready.” I instructed GMZ to find the address of the Kardashian house, and to send the rest of the Kardashian Klan across town to what they think is surprise party for Kim.

“What should the reason be?” GMZ asked.

“I don’t know,” I replied impatiently, “To celebrate Kim’s acting debut, or maybe she won some award, or maybe even it’s a party to celebrate Kim simply to remind the rest of the family who the important one is. Any stupid explanation will do. These people are reality TV stars; they’re accustomed to being in terrible story lines.”

GMZ nodded and left, but the rest of my team waited behind.

“Can’t we please talk about this a little more? You’re doing the same bloody thing you did with Trump,” Damien pointed out.

“We put it to a vote, Damien,” I reminded him, “See, that’s how a democracy works: People vote, and the winners of that vote decide what’s going to happen. I know that this concept must be difficult for you to grasp, since you live under the rule of the Queen and all.”

“We’ve had a democratically elected Parliament for the past 208 years, asswipe,” Damien snapped.

“It would be much easier if we had literally any more information,” Lady Smash explained, “Like, how is Kim Kardashian’s ass hypnotizing people, or if it has other powers, like the ability to create clouds and thunder, or possibly if it could shoot deadly missiles.”

kim kardashian ass 1- censored

It’s probably best if we didn’t take any chances.

“Hey that’s a good idea,” I replied, “Theoretically, it could have some more mind manipulating- Wait, are you being serious, or did you just make a make a poop and fart joke.”

“I did. But that first part was totally serious.”

“It couldn’t hurt going into this fight a little better informed,” Everett added.

The others murmured in agreement.

“Fine,” I yielded, “We’ll prepare for the next four days. We’ll gather up intel on Kim, her family, and her ass, but we’ll have to do this the right way. Damien, Go up and tell GMZ to schedule the party for four days from tonight. Then plan out some cardio workouts for tonight to make sure we’re all in good enough shape to fight.”

Rather grumpily, he replied with a simple, “Fine,” and exited my room.

I turned to my two female teammates and said, “Lady Smash and Phlegm, since the ass has no effect on you, go up to the Watch Tower and find out what ever you can about it.” I turned to Derren and Criss and continued, “I’ll need you two to watch as much of ‘Keeping Up With The Kardashians’ as you can. We won’t be able to get a blueprint of their house without a permit or breaking into where ever those are kept, but we can learn enough about the layout from the show. Also look for any weaknesses she might have. Everett and Nut’n Fancy, do some research on friends and the rest of the family. Go back through the family tree. Look for anything that might be relevant. Also look into Bruce Jenner’s family. I don’t trust that face.”

“What do you want me to do, Boss?” Jessie asked in an upbeat tone. Despite having voted against the the idea that Kim Kardashian’s ass is hypnotic, he still seemed excited to go on any adventure at all.

“Do a walk through maintenance inspection on the Awesomecopter!,” I answered, “And try to make it as quiet as possible. We’ll be in a residential neighborhood, so we’ll need to keep it quiet.”

“You know that the Awesomecopter! is a helicopter, right?” He asked me, “I can’t just make it silent.”

“Fine,” I replied, “Do something to make the Awesomebus! quieter and more inconspicuous.”

He nodded and left, as did the rest of the team to carry out their various tasks.  I stood up from my bed, paced across my room, and began brainstorming how we were going to break into the Kardashian residence.

Awesomesquad! Assemble! 2! (Revisited!)

Hi Everyone! I know it has been almost a year since I posted anything, and even longer since I posted anything book related, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t been writing. I started a new magazine with my boyfriend (check it out here), so I’ve been primarily busy writing the articles for that, and I have been working on my book, just nothing that you’ll see here. I did, however, finish the battle between Kim Kardassian and our gang of lovable idiots.

For those who have never read an Awesomesquad! post of mine before, welcome! This should be exciting for you. You’ll probably want some background info, whether you’re new or just need a refresher, so check this page out. It will give you the information you need about the team.

Other than that, enjoy!

Kim Kardassian

*****

It was about a month after I introduced Phlegm to the team before we had any celebrity fighting mission. I actually remember the date- September fifth. The date itself isn’t all that important; I’m just impressed that I remembered it.

Anyway, the guy installing our Satellite TV service had just left, and Derren, GMZ, Criss, and myself were changing back out of our cult garb. Damein, Everett, and Nut’n Fancy were out in the woods surrounding the Awesomebase!, building our obstacle course. Jessie was in the Awesomehangar! working on the Awesomecopter!, and Phlegm and Lady Smash were out buying supplies. Feeling that yet another day would be ending early for me, I headed up to the kitchen to gather up some brownies Lady Smash had baked, and then catch up on some TV. However, when I got to the Great Room, I found that the TV and the brownies had already been claimed by GMZ.

As I approached, I noticed something off. He stared at the TV, his expression blank, and he was barely holding onto the half-eaten brownie in his hand. I watched him for a few seconds, expecting him to snap out of it. He did not.

“Hey, GMZ,” I called to him.

I got no response. I repeated myself, but still didn’t even get a murmur from him.

“LISTEN UP, YOU LOUSY SACK OF DISGARDED LLAMA PLACENTA!” I yelled.

When he didn’t answer to that, I marched towards him, grumbling, and nudged the side of his head. He toppled over, but he snapped out of it.

He jumped back to his feet, his face scrunched up and red with anger, and screamed, “WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU DO THAT ALL I WAS DOING WAS WATCHING TV WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM?!?!”

“Whoa,” I cried as I dodged his swinging fist, “Calm down. I was just trying to get your attention.”

“CALM DOWN?! NO I WON’T CALM DOWN!!” He took another couple swings at me, which I batted off. He then yelled in my face, “YOU ATTACK ME AND THEN SAY I NEED TO CALM DOWN.”

“What the bloody hell is going on here?” Derren asked as he and Criss rushed into the room. Raul came running into the room from the lab, holding a mop in one hand and a scalpel in the other.

GMZ cried, “I was just watching TV when this psychopath attacked me!”

“I nudged you!” I retorted, “And I only did that because you weren’t answering me!”

“Both of you, calm down,” Derren commanded. He then looked to GMZ and said, “Tell me what happened.”

Damien, Nut’n Fancy, and Everett entered the Great room just as GMZ started his story. GMZ told Derren how he was sitting quietly watching TV and eating a brownie, when I, in a jealous rage, stormed into the Great Room and began beating him over the head. Derren nodded and asked me to tell my side of the story. I explained to him what really happened, and while I did, Derren didn’t take his eyes of me.

Once I was finished telling my side of the story, Derren stood quietly for a couple of long seconds, and announced, “I think they’re both telling the truth.”

“What?!” GMZ roared.

Derren clarified, “I don’t think Minigan actually attacked you, GMZ. None of his body language is coming off as if he’s lying. But I think that you believe that he attacked you, because other than you being livid right now, your body language is saying the same thing.”

“No!” GMZ cried, “He did attack me. He’s just jealous of my relationship with her!”

“With whom?” Derren asked.

“With her!” GMZ shouted as he pointed at the TV screen. The six other men rushed around the couch to get a good look at whom GMZ was pointing.

I looked down to see a towering, vaguely humanoid creature stomping around in the yard. Judging by its surroundings, I figured the beast had to be at least ten feet tall. I could only assume it was a woman by its hair and clothing.

“That mountain giant?” I asked.

“No, not Khloé,” GMZ snapped at me, “Her.”

khloe Kardashian

AAahhh!

 

 

What came onto screen next made me gasp. An ass- but not just any ass- a perfect ass. It was big but toned, round but perky. It was like someone had stuck two balloons under a skimpy red dress. I could not look away. Even the rest of the body attached to the beautiful ass was amazing, but my focus kept getting pulled back to that butt. It was like it was speaking directly to me. And then, it did.

“Minigan, baby,” The ass cooed at me, its rich, smooth chocolaty voice making love to my eardrums, “Just sit down and look at me. I’ll take care of everything you need.”

I believed this ass. I believed it would take care of me. In only that brief amount of time since I had met it, I had never felt anything as strong as the love I felt for it. Even after those few short moments together, it had become more than just my world, it became the whole reason I exist. The answers to all of life’s greatest mysteries were nestled between those firm, cushiony butt cheeks, and I was sure it wanted to confide in me, so I obeyed it.

“I will do anything to make you happy” I heard my self say. I think I heard other people say it too, but they didn’t matter. They were so far away, and their voices were so small, that I knew that they weren’t talking to the stunning ass I had said it too. In fact, not a single thing those voices mattered. The only thing that was important to me anymore was keeping that ass happy.

The Ass replied in it’s deep, seductive voice, “Good. Now, what I want you to do is to send me all the money you have. I need it to make myself look good for you. You’re so handsome and muscular. I want to be the best that I can be for you.”

“What’s going on here?” I heard a faint woman’s voice say. I didn’t answer.

“Hey, guys, what’s wrong?” Another woman, this one just as uninteresting as the first, asked.

“Baby,” The Ass warned, “Two jealous she-devils are trying to keep us apart. They are here now. You must stop them, even if it means killing them. Do it, for uh-“

The world went black, and suddenly, I was thrown into a cruel, hideous world where the Ass was no longer present. In front of me were the two she-devils I was warned about: Lady Smash and Phlegm. The Betrayers! I thought, I bring them onto my team, and they take the love of my life away from me?!

I and several of the men around me screamed at them both. I was in such a mindless rage, that I cannot remember what I, or the rest of them, said, but I do remember screaming to the point where drool was running out of the side of my mouth. Looks of fear were carved onto Lady Smash and Phlegm’s faces, which only made us angrier. I lunged at Lady Smash, who dodged me, threw me to the ground, and drove her boney knee into my spine.

“What the hell is wrong with you?!” She yelled, the anger in her voice barely covering up the fear.

“You took The Ass away from me!” I managed to sputter out with what little air my lungs were getting.

“What?!” She, Phlegm, Criss and Derren cried.

I was starting to get a better sense of my surroundings. At the edge of my peripheral vision, I could see forms floating somewhere above Lady Smash’s head. They were the bodies of Damien and Nut’n Fancy.

“What the hell is Minigan Talking about Derren?” Phlegm asked.

“I don’t know. We were just watching ‘Keeping Up With The Kardashians’ when they all went into some bizarre trance.”

Lady Smash grunted and replied, “Why were you watching that garbage anyway?”

“GMZ said that he was in love with someone on there, and he was trying to show us who,” Criss answered.

“Lady Smash,” I gasped, as I squirmed under her knee, “Could you ease up a little bit? I’m sorry I tried to attack you. I’m better now.”

She warned me, “If you try to attack any of us, I’m going to tase the figurative and literal shit out of you.”

“I promise I won’t,” I said with sincerity.

She released her knee from my spine, and immediately I scurried on my hands and knees to the TV and turned it back on. After an entire lifetime crammed into a single second, The Ass returned to me.

“Minigan, baby,” it cooed seductively, “I missed you.”

 

The voice wafted out of The Ass and into my ears, assuring me that it would take care of me, and I was lost to it again.

Kim Kardashian 1-censored

I tried to reach for it, just to touch it and let it know that I was real and there for it, but it vanished and I felt a wave of burning pain crash through my muscles. I tried to scream, but my jaw, vocal chords, lungs, and brain stopped working. My arms and legs twitched as the Great room came back into view. Lady Smash, Phlegm, Derren, and Criss were standing over me, and a pair of wires lead from somewhere in my chest to Lady Smash’s Taser. Then, everything went black.

An Adventure in the World of WTF

OK, so I honestly have no idea what this story is about, let alone named, so let’s just say the title of this blog post is the working title. Also, sorry this is so long. But to be fair, if you’ve read anything of mine before, you should have expected it to be that way. If you’re new to my blog, Welcome! This is going to be the weirdest shit that you’ve ever experienced. Enjoy.

~~~

I sat down on the toilet and commenced my daily routine of relieving myself of bodily waste. Just as I finished releasing the first fudge basilisk into the icy toilet water, I felt a sudden, sharp pain inside my ass.

“Fucking Arby’s” I grumbled as I strained to release whatever diabolical creation their food formed inside my digestive tract.

My butthole released a small fart, and then my whole body started shaking. And I don’t mean that I began to convulse or that my hands became unsteady, I mean every inch of my body began to vibrate. From somewhere inside my gut, a 40 foot long steel girder shook me from the inside out. The girder rocketed out of my asshole and into the toilet, the force of which sent me flying off of the seat and into the corner of the wall and the ceiling.

Somehow, I managed to slide down the wall with my face until it was wedged in the corner of the floor and wall, and my ass in the air.

I turned my head as best I could, and found that it wasn’t a steel girder erupting from my butt, it was a rainbow.

“Nope,” I grunted, “this isn’t from Arby’s. This is definitely Chic-Fil-A’s doing.”

If Chic-Fil-A isn't ruining your heart, it's making you shoot rainbows out of your ass.

If Chic-Fil-A isn’t ruining your heart, it’s making you shoot rainbows out of your ass.

The colors of the shit rainbow pooled at the ceiling, each growing denser and denser, until the pressure from the light blasted the entire roof off of my house. Once the shit rainbow had finished erupting out of my asshole, and I realized that I was not only alive, but feeling better, I climbed out from under the rainbow. The arch stretched up into the blue sky and vanished around the top. All along the rainbow were smatterings of my shit. I stared up, both dumbfounded and agast at what my butthole had produced and what that creation had done to my house. Then, at the top of the rainbow, a glimmering, white object appeared and ran down the leg. It was a horse. As it got closer and I could see it in better detail, I saw a single horn on its head and its tail and main colored like a rainbow. It was a unicorn.

“What the fuck?”

“Hey, dawg,” The unicorn said do me once it reached my bathroom, “Yo, listen, my name is Loquacious, an’ I need you to climb up on my back and come with me.”

“What the fuck?!” I repeated

“Listen fool!” The magical horse screamed at me, “Ya’ll need to listen to me and listen good, ya herr? Ya’ll need to come wit me back to my world. We got a job that only you can help us wit.”

With my pants still around my ankles, I replied in an even tone, “I would love to travel up the rainbow that just shot from my ass, but I have some shit I have to deal with right now.” Then, pointing to the toilet and where my roof used to be, I added, “both literal and figurative.”

“We ain’t got time for that, bitch, we gots to go now!”

“Holy shit, what did you just sa-AAHHH!” I began before the Unicorn scooped me up with is head (my buttcheeks being cradled by his horn) and threw me onto his back.

He sprinted  back up the rainbow as I held on to his body and screamed in fear. The unicorn bounded up the arch, dodging my shit clumps all the while with graceful leaps. Within seconds, we were hundreds of feet above my neighborhood, coming up to the curve of the rainbow. Then, I remembered about how the rainbow ended.

I stopped screaming, and asked Loquacious, “What happens at the end of the rainbow?”

“We jump!” He replied merrily. Then in a firm tone he added, “But you gotta think happy thoughts or we’ll just fall back to your world.”

“How the Hell am I supposed to think happy thoughts with this shit happening?!”

“I dunno, dawg. Focus or some shit.”

We crested the curve. The end of the rainbow was only a football field or so away. Fuck. I closed my eyes and concentrated. Think happy thoughts. I told myself. What are the things that make me happy? Girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes. Snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes- Gah! Fuck Julie Andrews!

"Do you see? Do you see all the fucks I give about your opinion of me?" -Julie Andrews

“Do you see? Do you see all the fucks I give about your opinion of me?”
-Julie Andrews

I could feel Loquacious’s body tense up, and then feel my own go weightless. Stupidly, I opened my eyes for long enough to see the pimple sized houses of my neighborhood scroll beneath us.

“FUUUUUUUCCCCCKKKK!” I screamed before clamping my eyes shut again.

I was weightless for only a moment or two, but for those brief moments I wondered what poor life decisions I made that lead me to this moment.  Was this karmic justice for all the shitty things I’ve put my friends through? Did I just take a Mexican Cartel’s worth of drugs? Was God just being kind of a dick today? I decided it was probably the last one.

We hit the ground-actually, no, we didn’t hit the ground. We landed lightly on what I guessed by the sound was a soft patch of grass. I kept my eyes closed and my body wrapped tightly around the horse.

“Yo, get off me fool. We’re here.” Loquacious stated.

I opened my eyes and they were immediately assaulted with vibrant color. I threw up right on the patch of technicolor green grass. To be honest, I wasn’t sure whether it was the near death experience or the color that caused me vomiting, but either way I hoped that my vomit would create a dragon or some other weird shit that would take me back home. No such luck.

“Damn, dawg, you nasty,” the unicorn laughed.

“Where the hell are we?” I asked after I spit the last bit of vomit and saliva from my mouth.

“I told you, son, we’re in my world now.”

“But How? I didn’t think a single happy thought.”

The stupid unicorn erupted with stupid, hysterical laughter, “Sheeit, I didn’t think you’d believe me! Dawg, I was fuckin’ wit choo! I don’t need no happy thoughts to cross dimensions. What do I look like, that Peter Pan faggot?”

“OK, listen up you magical bucket of glue and Canadian steaks, if you-“

I was interrupted by a joyous hum and the pattering of little feet from behind me. I turned and found myself being surrounded by dozens of small animals. There was a turtle whose shell was covered in multicolored flowers, tiger and leopard cubs, several white baby seals, two green aliens driving a hippy VW bug convertible, and several puppies and kittens. Every single animal had big, unnaturally colored eyes, and a happy smile on their face. Shining down from the sky above us was a giant yellow face. It smiled at me. The sun smiled at me. Already fuck this place.

Lisa Frank- Aliens

Lisa Frank- Turtle

Lisa Frank-Cat-Dog

Seriously. Fuck this place.

“You brought him!” a bright yellow golden retriever puppy squeaked, “I cannot believe he’s here at last!”

From the back of the group, a creature was forcing its way towards Loquacious and me, while demanding to other animals, “Step aside please. Yes you too. Can’t you see the mayor coming through?”

The crowd parted, and a penguin wearing a blue bow tie waddled towards us.

Lisa Frank-Penguin

“Good Gracious, Loquacious, How’d you get so bodacious?!” The penguin cried as it waddled past me and up to the unicorn.

The unicorn held out its hoof, and the penguin slapped it with his wing. They then began to excitedly whisper to one another while glancing towards me. I took this time to pull my pants back up. As I did, I looked around to the various animals in the crowd, and each of them had their eyes fixed upon me. They watched every move I made with awe and excitement. Buckling my belt received a collective “ooh” from the crowd, while flipping them off had them react in unison with “Ah!”

“So why the hell am I here?” I yelled at the penguin, getting tired of being the brightly colored animals’ side show attraction.

The penguin turned to me and replied with a bow, “I, Mayor Ed Quinn the Penguin, would like to formally welcome you, for this is our magical land of the rainbow hue!”

“I shit myself to death, and I’m currently in Hell, aren’t I?”

“Oh no!” Ed Quinn the Penguin shouted, “I don’t know of this place you call ‘Hell’, but we call this place Puffoots upon Atell!”

“Really, I retorted, “Because it looks like I got sucked into a Lisa Frank notebook cover.”

“Lisa Frank is a cunt!” a magenta kitten shouted from the crowd.

“Wait,” I replied skeptically, “You have no idea what Hell is, but you know enough about Lisa Frank to hate her?”

“Yo dawg, She is the one of the only other humans that’s come here,” Loquacious explained, “And dat bitch used her visit here to make her millions, witout givin’ us shit for using our likenesses.”

“So is that why I’m here?”

“Of course not, my human tot,” Ed Quinn the penguin answered, “For you, I have the most important of tasks. I want you to hunt for the 7 Crystaline-“

“Gigglebugs!” a voice cried from just  over a nearby hill. Seconds later, the owner of the voice, a purple husky puppy riding on the back of a polar bear, crested the top of the hill. It screamed again, “Gigglebugs! They’ve breached the Sunshiny Wall!”

Panic and chaos followed the announcement. Screams erupted from the crowd of animals as they ran different directions, stumbling over each other in blind fear. The polar bear mounted husky rode down to where I, Loquacious, and Ed Quinn the Penguin stood. The Polar bear was out of breath, and both had traumatized looks on their faces. Behind them, a golden cloud rose above the hill. As I looked closer, I realized that it wasn’t a cloud, it was a swarm- a swarm of golden beetles the size of teacups.

The swarm arched up high in the air, catching the attention of the panicking animals, and descended upon them. They gathered on the turtle first, which began to laugh hysterically and writhe (as much as a turtle can, anyway) on the ground.  The turtle continued to laugh as the bugs ripped the skin off of its legs and face and into its muscles and organs, until only the shell and the bones were left. It only took twenty seconds at the longest. I didn’t think to time it.

“Jesus Hamster chucking Christ!”

“Snow puff and Frosty paws, we  have no time for you to pause,” Ed Quinn commanded, to the polar bear and husky puppy, “Take as many of our towns people as you can find and hide them in the glitter mines.”  He then turned to Loquacious and added, “Take the human and flee. Head to the tie-dye mountains, just past the Friendship Tree!”

Pictured: The Rainbow Mountains, right past the Friendship Tree

Pictured: The Rainbow Mountains, right past the Friendship Tree

“Wait,” I cried as the penguin mayor waddled away, “What am I doing here? What do you want me hunt for?”

Ed Quinn turned around to answer me, but as he did, the golden cloud of giggle bugs landed on him. He collapsed into a laughing pile on the vibrant green grass and batted at the insects as they ripped the flesh off of his body in tiny strips. The penguin writhed and laughed as the bugs tore down to the bone. He only stopped when the gigglebugs chewed into his throat. The golden insects reached his sternum, and his organs began to spill out of the newly formed hole. Holy shit did that drive the gigglebugs into a frenzy.

Screaming, I jumped onto the back of Loquacious. Just as he was turning to sprint as far away from the nightmare that had just unfolded in the meadow, I felt several sharp stabs in my legs.

“Argh, fuck knuckles!” I screamed, “I’m bit!”

“Shit dawg!” Loquacious cried, “What should I do?”

“FUCKING RUN, ASSHOLE!”

He sprinted, and I took one last look back at the gore behind us. Ed Quinn the Penguin had stopped moving. I sighed. I never got an answer to my questions. I felt another sharp pain form in my leg, just above the knee this time. Wait, I thought, Why aren’t I laughing? I looked down to find the magenta cat, the one that called Lisa Frank a cunt, clinging to my pant leg, and incidentally, me. I grumbled, grabbed the cat by the scruff of its neck, and pulled it off of my leg. He squirmed in my had, clawing at my wrist and throwing out a torrent of curse words at me, each offensive phrase more colorful and offensive to the senses than the surrounding landscape.

“What the hell do you want?” I asked the cat.

“To not fucking die, dipshit,” The cat retorted.

“Well, then stop being an asshole, and I won’t throw you back to the gigglebugs.”

The cat’s adorable eyes grew wider, and it replied, “I’ll be good.”

“Good,” I answered as I plopped it down on in front of me on Loquacious’s back.

“Aieee! Dawg! Get the giggle bugs off my back, yo!” Loquacious cried as he began try to buck the cat and I off.

I wrapped my arms around the unicorn’s neck and screamed, “It’s a cat, it’s a cat!” He either didn’t believe me or didn’t hear me, because he continued to try and buck us off. His spine crushing my dick and balls with every kick and junp.

“It’s Honeypuss, you fucking idiot,” the magenta cat yelled over Loquacious’s whinnying, “Stop trying to kill me and the human.”

Loquacious heard this and stopped. I fell off of his back and curled into the fetal position on the ground, cradling my balls.

“Good going cock nugget,” the kitten snapped at the unicorn, “You ruined the human’s brain.”

The unicorn turned around and put his face close to mine. His breath was sweet, as if every single one of his meals consisted of brown sugar and carrots. “Shit, dawg, sorry for crushing your brain, yo.”

“Human,” Honeypuss added, “I bet you’re really fucking concussed right now, but we need to get moving. Those goddamn bugs will chase us for miles, and we didn’t make it that far.” The kitten then muttered to the Unicorn, “At least everyone else got to go to the glitter mines. But we’re fucking stuck with this douche as he wimpers about how much his head hurts and how he doesn’t know what he’s supposed to do.”

“First of all, fuck you, cat,” I grunted as I slowly climbed to my feet, still holding my junk.  Then, I continued, “Secondly, I’m more than happy to go back home and leave you rainbow colored animals to whatever happens if I don’t do what it is I am supposed to do. I have absolutely no stake in any of your survival. And Thirdly, my brain is in my head, Loquacious hurt my dick and balls.”

“Your brain is in your head?” Honeypuss asked, “That’s weird as shit that doesn’t smell like flowers.”

“So, shit?”

“Your shit,” the kitten clarified. “Anyway,” he continued, None of us have that junk you have in between your legs, we all just assumed that’s where you humans keep your brains.”

I stopped and couldn’t help myself from studying their crotches. Nope. Nothing. There was absolutely no genitalia.

“How do you guys reproduce if you don’t have genitals?”

The unicorn and kitten gave me a weird look, “Reproduce?”

I sighed, and for the next hour or so, I walked beside Loquacious and Honeypuss and described (in detail) what reproduction meant. They listened with a glint of excitement in their big, colorful eyes as I discussed what sex was. They urged me to give them more and more information. I covered positions, and oral, and anal, and assholes, and the female and male G-spots, and boobs and fetishes and porn and masturbation and orgies and everything else on the topic I could think of until, finally, I said all that I could say on the topic.

“That sounds like the coolest shit ever, homie!” Loquacious exclaimed.”

“Fuck. Yes.” Honeypuss added, “Too bad we can’t do that stuff. We don’t even know where our young come from. We’ll have to ask Dr.McRibbit when we get back.”

I'm a Frog, but also a doctor, but also uncomfortably sexual.

I’m a Frog, but also a doctor, but also uncomfortably sexual.

“If he’s still alive, Sheeit, he could’ve gotten eaten fo’ all we know!” Loquacious replied.

“Fuck. You’re right. If he hadn’t gotten the shit eaten out of him by those bugs, we’ll ask him.”

“Ok, now I have a question,” I interjected, “How in the Hell did you animals think a wall was going to keep out bugs that can fly?”

“Huh?” the unicorn and kitten answered in unison.

“The Sunshiny Wall. The husky puppy said that those bugs breached the sunshiny wall. But the bugs can fly, so why even use a wall as a defense?”

“Because it’s not the fucking wall, but what’s covering it that makes it our most important goddamn defense.”

“What’s covering it?”

“Glitter. Those fucking giggle bugs fucking hate anything sparkly. They won’t pass it when the sun shines on it. That’s why Ed Quinn had everyone flee to the glitter mines. That’s the only place that’s safe if the glitter on the sunshiny wall fails to keep them back. But one gust of wind usually blows an gap in the glitter for the gigglebugs to pass through.”

“Why not just glue the glitter onto the wall, or your houses, or the roads in your town for that matter?” I asked.

“Using what? Our piss?” Honeypuss retorted.

“Well,” I started, nodding at Loquacious, who wasn’t looking at me.

Loquacious noticed the silence, looked back to find me nodding at him, and said “Nah, fuck dat, man. Ain’t no one making me into glue.”

We walked in silence for a little while after that- Then because, I assume, they were wondering if there were any survivors, me because I didn’t want to talk to either of them. After some time, the giant yellow sun, whose stupid fucking face was still shining down on us, had begun to set on the horizon. Periodically, it would yawn. I wanted to punch it in its stupid mouth.

I was about to vocalize my desire to beat the shit out of their son of a bitch sun, when Loquacios cried with joy, “We’re almost there, dawgs! Dat’s da Friendship tree up ahead!”

I looked. Not that far ahead of us was a lone tree. Its leaves were a deep green, and it was spotted with fruit of different colors. The tree itself swayed and bobbed up and down, as if it were dancing in place to a song I couldn’t hear. Beneath it was a still pool of blue water that reflected the tree and sky like glass. I licked my lips. After everything that happened over the past few hours, I didn’t have time to think about how long it had been since I had eaten or drank anything. But now the thirst and hunger came pounding on my stomach.

Smiling tree

“Hey, do you mind if we stop at the tree. I’m kind of hungry and thirsty.”

Loquacious and Honeypuss looked at one another and then to me. “You don’t want to eat and drink there, dawg. You won’t like dat tree.”

“I only have to tolerate it long enough to get some water and some of its fruit,” I replied, “Then it can eat a dick, for all I care.”

I ran ahead of the protesting unicorn and kitten, and, begrudgingly, they followed.

“But that’s the fucking Friendship Tree!” Honeypuss cried.

“So it should be friendly enough to let me eat and drink, so no problem!” I yelled back.

As I got close enough, I noticed that the tree was dancing to a song, but that the song was one it was singing to itself. I walked up to it. It continued to sing and bob around without noticing me.

“Hello?” I called up to it.

“I love my friends/ I love all I see/ I share my love/ I’m the friendship tree!” The tree sang to itself  in a deep voice.

“Hey, Tree!” I yelled.

Startled, the tree looked around before spotting me. “Why hello little fella!” the tree exclaimed, “Are you my new friend?”

“Sure, whatever,” I said, “Can I take a drink from your pool and eat some of your fruit?”

The tree reached out one of its branches, wrapped it gently around me, and lifted me into the air. The tree was almost all face. It’s big eyes and mouth were made up of the arrangement of the branches, twigs, and leaves. Those branches and twigs shifted as the eyes and mouth moved, creating a low creaking sound that was only partially masked by its voice. As the tree lifted me up so that I was face-to- giant face with it, another branch stretched out and patted me on my head.

“What did you want again?” The tree asked as its branch caressed my cheek.

I batted it away and repeated, “Can I take a drink from your pool and eat some of your fruit?”

The tree smiled a wide, gleeful smile, “Why of course new friend! I love doing favors for friends! But can you do me a favor too?”

I sighed, brushed the branch away from my face again, and grunted the question, “What favor do you want?”

The tree didn’t answer, unless you call tightening its grip on me and feeling me up with its branches an answer. Which I guess in this case you could, I guess. The tree licked its leafy lips with its wooden tongue as it felt me up, more aggressively with each touch.

“Uh, guys?” I called back to Loquacious and Honeypuss, “A little help?!”

“Sorry, dawg,” Loquacious called from what sounded to be far away from the tree, “We ain’t comin’ a hoof closer to that tree.”

“What does it want to do?!” I cried.

The Friendship Tree wrapped its branches around my ankles and spread my legs apart. Then, I felt a branch slither up my pants. I struggled. The tree tightened its grip on me.

“Guys! do something!” I screamed. I thrashed, but that only seemed to make the Friendship Tree more aroused.

“What in the high flying fuck do you want us to do?” Honeypuss called back, clearly enjoying watching me suffer.

I bit down on a branch that tried to enter my mouth and screamed back, “I dunno! Loquacious, you have some kind of rainbow power don’t you? Use that!”

“I can’t do dat, homie” Loquacious answered.

“JUST FUCKING TRY SOMETHING!”

“Oh, I’m about to, new friend!” The Friendship Tree replied. Then, after a pause, it added, “You did say ‘try fucking’ right?”

“Shit.”

Just then, a bright beam of light shot under me and hit the pool of water. It reflected off of the pool, and then the rainbow colored beam hit the trunk of the Friendship Tree, causing it to burst into flames. The tree wailed and thrashed, throwing me back down to the soft grass as it tried to extinguish the multicolored flames that had spread across its body. I stumbled, crawled, and then ran back to Loquacious and Honeypuss. From behind me I heard a loud splash of water, followed by a pained groan.

Try not to be weirded out by The Giving Tree after reading that.

Go ahead and try not to be weirded out by The Giving Tree after reading that.

“Ho-lee sheeit! I can shoot rainbows out of my mouth! Dis is da best day ever, yo!”

“Come back, friend!” The Friendship tree called weakly.

“Go fuck yourself,” I replied between deep breaths, “And I mean that literally.” I turned back to Loquacious and Honeypuss, both of whom were smiling faux innocent smiles at me. I screamed, “WHY IN THIS TECHICOLORED WORLD OF FUCKS WOULD YOU NOT WARN ME THAT THAT TREE RAPES WHOEVER GETS TOO CLOSE!?”

“Well, we never had a word for what it does until know,” Honeypuss answered flatly.

“So why do you call it the ‘Friendship Tree’ and not the ‘Stay Away Tree?’”

“Because everyone just fucking knows to stay away from the tree. We only use it as a land mark because everyone knows what and where the Friendship Tree is, and we all know to keep a safe distance away from it. You’re the dumbass who didn’t listen to us.”

“But on the bright side, dawg,” Loquacious added, “You just gave us its new name, the “Rape Tree.”

“Eh,” Honeypuss replied, “I think Friendship Tree has a better ring to it.” Then to me, he added, “Now if you’re done letting yourself get raped, we have to get you to the Tye-Dye Mountains. It’s going to be fucking night soon.”

Clenching my fists, I seethed, “I hate literally everything in this stupid world.”

Neither the unicorn, nor the kitten paid attention to me, and the three of us walked on, ignoring the calls from the Friendship Tree for me to return to it.

At some point, maybe an hour or so after the Friendship Tree incident, as I was walking far ahead of the unicorn and kitten, Honeypuss asked, “So, are we just going to ignore the fact that you had Loquacious shoot a rainbow laser out of his mouth, even though he’s never been fucking able to do that shit before?”

I didn’t answer.

“I guess not.” Honeypuss mumbled to Loquacious.

As we walked on, day melted into night, and the grinning sun gave way to a smattering of giant, neon stars and planets across the night sky, which kept the world about as lit as before, but with a more “Christmas Lights on an explosive amount of steroids” feel to it.  Loquacious was telling some story about how he befriended some woman that lives in a bubble and her green lesbian lover during one of his many travels to different worlds. Honeypuss and I listened as we both searched the horizon for anything that looked like the Tie-Dye Mountains. Other than three small objects ahead of us, there was nothing but the green grass plane all around us for miles.

Bump.

“Did you hear that,” Loquacious asked as panic crept into his voice.

Bump.

“Hear what?” I asked.

Bump.

“That.” Honeypuss replied, “What the fuck is that?”

Bump.

“Aw fuck nah, man, fuck nah,” Loquacious groaned as he darted around me, looking off in the distance. “We need to find someplace to hide, now.”

“Why?”

Bump.

“Teddy Bear Vikings!”

Teddy Bear Vikings are almost as bad as Hip Hop Teddy bears.

Teddy Bear Vikings are almost as bad as Hip Hop Teddy bears.

“Fuck nuggets!” Honeypuss replied, “Those things on the fucking horizon are their land ships, and they’re headed right fucking for us!”

Bump.

“We need to hide, dawgs. We def don’t wanna have a run in with them.”

“Well, where are we going to hide?  There is nothing around us. Not even a rock to lie behind,” I noted.

The next bump was noticeably louder, and the ships had covered half the distance to us since we first spotted them.

“Shit.” Honeypuss added, “The Human is right. There’s no escape from them now.”

“Escape from what?” A gruff voice asked from behind and above us.

We turned. Behind us towered a Viking ship, specifically, the Viking ship that would be the death of us. Emblazoned in gold on the blood red flag was  bear paw. Along either side were a set of paddles equipped with boots to push the boat forward, and a series of shields with a teddy bear’s face painted on them. Each plank of wood that made up the hull was of a different color, which I couldn’t help but notice that the ship would just as equally be at home in a gay pride parade as it would here. From the deck above jumped the captain Teddy bear, whose body squeeked when he landed on the grass.

He was about my height, but his horned helmet and thick boots made him look much taller. Over what would probably be an adorable teddybear face was a long dirty beard that hung down to his stomach. He carried an axe at his side, its blades were chipped and dulled from years of conquering, plundering, and murdering.

“What are you three doing out so late?”

None of us answered. The three ships from the horizon were upon us now, effectively surrounding us.

“Come on now.” He added as he walked back and forth in front of us, “Tell me, what are you three doing out here. It’s not safe to wander out on the Happyness Meadow at night. You could get killed by what lives out here. Or worse…”

“Yeah, we know,” Honeypuss answered. He nodded towards me and added, “We had to rescue this dipshit from the Friendship Tree.”

The Teddy Bear Viking Captain, as well as many of his crew, laughed hearty laughs at my expence. “Human, eh? Your kind is rare in this land. Demanding a ransom for you will feed my clan for years!”

I laughed a nervous laugh and explained, “Guys, don’t listen to the Unicorn and the cat, I’m not human! I only look like I’m human. I’m actually just a boring old, uh, xenomorph?” Shit. Hopefully they don’t know what that is. “Yep. Xenomorph. I’m totally one of those. We’re very common and not worth kidnapping.”

Xenomorphs are surprisingly common in the Lisa Frank Universe.

Xenomorphs are surprisingly common in the Lisa Frank Universe.

The Teddy Bear Vikings moaned in disappointment. Holding up his paw to silence them, their leader replied, “That’s too bad, xenomorph. You would have been a great hostage. But I guess we’ll have to kill you and your friends instead.” He drew his sword, and his fellow Teddy Bear Vikings jumped down from the ships, each one squeaking on their landing.

I held my hand up in front of them, took a step back towards Loquacious and Honeypuss, and yelled, “You don’t want to kill me! As a xenomorph, my blood is actually a highly corrosive acid. Killing me could potentially kill you all as well. Also…” I grabbed Honeypuss by the scruff of her neck.

“Hey! What the fuck are you doing?!” Honeypuss thrashed.

“This!” I chucked Honeypuss at the Viking leader’s face. Instinctively, Honeypuss latched on, and dug her claws deep into his face.

The Teddy Bear Viking roared in pain and slashed blindly at the air with his sword, slicing the throat of one of his fellow Vikings. White stuffing poured from the ghastly wound, the bear held his paws up to the wound, but it didn’t help. The bear was completely deflated in less than a minute. I jumped onto the back of Loquacious as the rest of the Vikings tried to get the magenta kitten off their leader’s face. One of the Vikings prepared to stab Honeypuss with is sword.

“Honeypuss,” I cried, “Jump here!”

Honeypuss launched herself at me with a “You lousy, pale skinned, motherfucker!” and dug her claws deep into my chest. Just in time, too, because the Teddy Bear Viking drove his sword at where Honeypuss was and ended up stabbing his captain in the face. The Teddy Bear Viking Captain screamed and ran in circles with the sword sticking halfway out of his face, and Honeypuss began to alternate swearing at me with biting my neck.

“Loquacious,” I screamed, “Get us out of here!”

“Straight up, dawg!” Loquacious lowered his head, began to shake, and then vomited a blinding rainbow laser at the teddy bears. The bears dove out of the line of light at the last second, so the beam torched a long hole in the hull of the ship in front of us. The wood moaned, and then began to collapse down on us.

The leader of the teddy bears saw this and gasped, “He’s the chosen one! MEN, QUICK, KILL THE CHOSEN ONE!”

“TAKE US OUT OF THIS WORLD, NOW, LOQUACIOUS!” I roared.

“Gotcha.” The unicorn charged forward, blasting through the crumbling Viking ship, and below us a rainbow road formed. Loquacious kept gaining speed until we were far enough away from the Teddy Bear Vikings. Up ahead, I could see the rainbow coming to an end. Loquacious was still speeding up. The three of us screamed. We reached the end of the road, and we vanished.

~~~

To Be Continued…

…I’m not sure when, but eventually…

Peace

The Most Tolerable Work Self-Evaluation Ever

A couple of weeks ago, I received my annual performance review from my job, and being the absent minded person that I am (most of my brain power at work is dedicated to imagining I’m anywhere but work) I forgot to turn it in. Being the persistent jerks that they are, they gave me another to fill out. So I did, and turned that one in, leaving me with an unused copy to do with what I like. And that is why we are here today. You cannot tell if you’re not in earshot of me, but I’m cackling manically right now. Lightning is even flashing across the sky- so you know this is going to be good.

 

If this isn't the face you’re imagining, then you aren't doing it right.

If this isn’t the face you’re imagining, then you aren’t doing it right.

Anyway, I absolutely hate these performance reviews, which I suspect are only used to get retail workers in a room with their boss so that the boss can tell them how shitty of a job they’re doing, and talk about the worker’s future in what is, in reality, a soul sucking dead end job. Basically, the worker fills out the form giving themselves a 1-5 for each category (5 being awesome, 1 being just below a rotting mushroom in usefulness, or “needs improvement” as they call it). Then, the worker has about a 1 inch by 4 inch rectangle to explain why they think they deserve the number they chose. Maybe a week or so later, the worker is sat down in an office with a manager, who filled out the same form for the worker with his/ her own opinions, and then “discusses” with the worker why the worker was wrong for choosing those numbers. Finally (at my job at least) the sum of the boss’s numbers is calculated, and if it’s above 20, the worker gets a higher raise.  Because of this, that usually means that I tend to low ball my scores so that my bosses have no choice but tell me I’m doing a better job than that, which is something I already know. Yes, I’m a manipulative prick, but it makes me feel better about myself, so don’t judge.

As you can tell from these last two paragraphs, I don’t take this process seriously at all. I may have the self-restraint of some kind of superhuman wombat or something while I write out my annual performance review, but all I want to do is make jokes. Because, at the very least, it will make reading my review more entertaining for my bosses and it will make writing it less of a chore for me.

Sure that superhuman wombat remark was a little out there, but if it wasn’t for that this picture wouldn’t exist. And I for one think this picture is too cute to not exist.

Sure that superhuman wombat remark was a little out there, but if it wasn’t for that this picture wouldn’t exist. And I for one think this picture is too cute to not exist.

So below is what I would have written if I had the creative freedom to say what I wanted and not get penalized by not getting a raise. And since that at the time of posting, my bosses had given me my review and my well deserved raise, I have no qualms of posting this to the internet. Prepare your buttholes, because this is about to go in dry:

Prompt 1: Understands and follows company standards on safety.

  • Follows safety and health rules
  • Takes ownership of spills and eliminates unsafe working conditions
  • Works safely with equipment
  • Wears personal protective equipment as required

Team Member Rating: 5

Reason: I make it a point to never bring vials of flesh eating bacteria into the store, despite the store being a convenient place to try and sell them (After all, super villains need to buy groceries too). I always take ownership of spills by planting my personal flag over the spills and treating any situation in which a person tries to clean up the spill or walk through the spill as an act of war. I like to think I work safely with the equipment, that is, if you consider me riding the power jack around the back room while wearing a tri-corner hat and screaming “I’m fucking Nipple-Leon Boner Fart!” working safely.  I think it should count, since I haven’t caused any injuries or loss of product yet this month. As for the personal protective equipment, I would wear them when I’m required to, but I’ve made it a personal rule to NEVER have sex with someone while at work, therefore I have no need to wear condoms. I’m not sure why you guys even allow that. Is it because you can watch on the security cameras, you dirty pervs?

Prompt 2: Understands and follows company standards on sanitation and cleanliness.

  • Follows food preparation/ storage/ return guidelines
  • Properly maintains cleanliness of equipment, tables, utensils and floor
  • Contributes to an organized work environment
  • Contributes to department/ store passing Steritech and health department inspections

Team Member Rating: 5

Reason: Well, I’ve never seen the “Food preparation/ storage/ return guidelines” of legend, but I do have a basic understanding of keeping cold stuff cold, warm stuff warm, and frozen stuff frozen, so I think I have a handle on that one. Thanks for indirectly asking if I’m retarded. I used to do a very thorough job of cleaning the tables, but the folks in Prep Foods demanded that I stopped washing them like I was a sexy coed washing a car, so I stopped washing them all together. Those ungrateful bastards can wash their own tables. I always contribute to an organized work environment. If there is anything that I take seriously at this job (there isn’t) it’s that. In fact, the work environment would even be more organized if you would just let me open all the M&M bags and reorganize them by color and then staple them back together like I wanted. That one’s on you guys. Way to drop the ball. As for the Steritech and health department inspections (I assume you don’t capitalize Health Department because you’re rebels against authority) I have made it a point to never release rats, cockroaches, or lice infested howler monkeys into the store whenever those inspections occur.

Prompt 3: Understands and follows company standards on shrink.

  • Helps control shrink by properly handling product, perishable go-backs and/ or damaged items
  • Adheres to trim standards and portion control
  • Avoids over-production of product or over-stocking shelves
  • Rotates product properly (FIFO)
  • Accurately prices/ scans merchandise
  • Accurately verifies items received in order
  • Conducts regular display case/ cooler temperature checks and/ or scale checks

Team Member Rating: 5

Now, I would have given myself a 4 for this, but your blatant use of the word “Fifo” is offensive to my people, the giants (it comes from “Fee-Fi-Fo-Fum” from Jack and the Beanstalk, if you didn’t already know). I was deeply offended by your thoughtless and malicious use of that word, and I felt that my compensation should be a higher score. See, I am a quarter giant (it only shows in the one place it counts, ladies), and as I’m sure you know most of the Giant race were mercilessly slaughtered by your people centuries ago. To this day, we have not been able to get our population levels back up, and many of my species has resorted to inbreeding, which as you could guess, and resulted in some unfortunate genetic mutations, like “Screeching Uterus” and “Arm Pit Testicles.” I escaped that fate only because my human grandfather was really into some big boned women.

But as I said, if it wasn’t for that horrible slur you used, I would have given myself a 4 because while I do everything else perfectly ( I handle the shit out of product until that fucking shrink is no longer interested in it) I do have a problem with rotating. My problem is that I’m not sure to what orientation do you want me the product. How much do I rotate? 90 degrees? 180 degrees? 270 degrees? No one ever told me; I was just told to rotate and was left to stare at the product and figure it out like some idiot. Since everything fits on the shelves so perfectly, I assume that you didn’t mean along the x, y plane, but instead along the x, z plane, so I’ve been rotating all the product so that the labels face the shelf. It seems kind of dumb to me, but hey; it’s your rule, not mine.

No one ever said that I was going to have to know fucking geometry for this job.

No one ever said that I was going to have to know fucking geometry for this job.

As I said, I do everything else correctly (you refuse to let me price or scan merchandise, so I don’t do that perfectly as well), but I want to give another example just to drive that point home. I check the temperatures in display cases/ coolers by hiding various alcoholic drinks in them for me to retrieve and consume throughout my work day.

Prompt 4: Understands and follows customer service strategy.

  • Welcomes and acknowledges customer with a smile and/ or friendly greeting
  • Asks and fulfills customer’s needs
  • Goes the extra mile and gives customer full attention
  • Thanks and invites customer back
  • Diffuses situation when an unpleasant shopping experience occurs
  • Seeks out customer contact
  • Solves customer problems
  • Answers and uses telephone/ intercom professionally

Team Member Rating: 4

Reason: I think we all remember the situation I’m referencing when I say “The Troll Fight Incident,” but in case you forgot, here it is. One day back in March I was going about my business, rotating the cereal so that you only saw the backs of the boxes, when a troll wandered into the store. For those of you who are unaware, trolls are the natural enemies of giants, and we had been at war with them long before Hu-mons walked the earth. So naturally, I grunted at it menacingly to let in know that it had stepped into giant territory and that it should leave, but it ignored me. As standard practice of my people, I cried my war cry, and then hopped on its back and attempted to bludgeon its head with my club. Well, hilariously, it turns out that it wasn’t a troll at all, but instead a rather large Hungarian woman named Ivana Hurkelmonchiconk (that isn’t her real last name; I just slammed my fingers on the keyboard. It produces the same effect of having a Hungarian last name, so I’m sticking with it.) I’m sure she’s laughing about the mix up now just as much as I am. Maybe more because I bet those prescription pain killers she got are probably very strong.

Other than that, I tend to think that I treat customers very well. I never spit in their faces (despite how much I think they deserve it), and I always answer the phone and use the intercom professionally after I’m done whispering “hard nipples” into it. However, as I mentioned earlier, I have made it a personal rule to not have sex with anyone while at work, and that has always included customers. But when I look at this review, it dawns on me that I might be not following one of the store’s rules by not having sex with them. After all, this prompt does ask if I, “Fulfill customer’s needs,” “Go the extra mile and give customer full attention,” and “Seek out customer contact.” Clearly, you want me to perform the Spring Break Tumble with our customers, so I promise to start propositioning them at my first opportunity.

Prompt 5: Attendance and Punctuality

  • Reports to work for scheduled shifts
  • Comes to work on time
  • Follows break and lunch guidelines

Team Member Rating: 2

Reason: I come to work whenever the hell I feel like it, I take my breaks whenever the hell I feel like it, and I leave whenever the hell I feel like it. You like that I’m a rebel, don’t you, baby. That’s right, I’m bad news. Also, I have no clue what my schedule is like each week, because you guys have forgotten to put me on the schedule for the last two years. If you fix that, then I will know what time to come it (and I will promptly ignore it).

Prompt 6: Grooming and Apperance

  • Presents a professional appearance
  • Adheres to the dress code policy
  • Personal hygiene
  • Appropriate body language
  • Approachable
  • Has a positive attitude about his/ her job
  • Wears a name tag

Team Member Rating: 5

Have you fucking seen me? I’m glorious. Every time I enter the store, I am carried in by millions of butterflies as golden beams of light wash over me and celestial horns ring out a melody so heavenly, that even the angels fall to their knees and weep tears of exuberant joy. Instinctively, customers, coworkers, bosses, and security guards  bow to me and avert their gaze, knowing that the embodiment of perfection is before them, and that their puny, mortal, Hu-mon eyes could never register something so beautiful without catching on fire.

And since no one looks directly at me, go ahead and assume I’m properly dressed, and not at all naked 100% of the time.

Prompt 7: Job Knowledge and performance

  • Knows his/ her job responsibilities
  • Understands and follows department and company policies
  • Communicates well with others
  • Uses time wisely and effectively
  • Gets along well with fellow team members
  • Adapts well to change

Team Member Rating: 1

Reason: Let’s be honest, I have no clue what the fuck I’m supposed to be doing when I come in to work. I assume it’s to test the delicious, delicious food for poisons to protect the customers. I don’t have the slightest knowledge of the department or store’s policies, let alone understand them, I don’t communicate well with others (no one here speaks giant), I only use my time wisely and effectively if taking regular naps and poop breaks are wise and effective uses of my time, and I only get along with my fellow team members if they respect my glorious image and remember that are lowly Hu-mons deserving of my hatred. And as for change… Change? WHO SAID ANYTHING ABOUT CHANGE?!?!?! MINIGAN FEARS CHANGE!!! AAARRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!!

OK, who mentioned the word “change” to Minigan again?

OK, who mentioned the word “change” to Minigan again?

 

Alright, that’s all for now. Peace be with you-violently.

The First Ever Bearly Legal Sketch!

If you were expecting another Awesomesquad! Assemble post from me today, then 1- you’re going to be dissappointed. Sorry. And 2- You clearly didn’t read the title of this blog post. That one’s on you.

But instead of us arguing of who’s fault it is that you clearly should’ve read the title before starting to read the blog, let’s just get into the blog itself.

So, other than Awesomesquad!, one of my many creative projects has been trying to form a comedy skit group with my friend Jeremiah Campana. You may remember him from this video:

Anyway, that was from back in March, when we still hadn’t bothered to come up with a name for our skit group yet. Well, now we have it. And if you’ve read the title of this blog post by know (which you totally should have- seriously, what’s wrong with you if you haven’t?) then you know that our sketch group name is officially Bearly Legal. Yes, we already have some awesome sketch ideas in the works, and we hope to bring them to you very soon.

Until then, enjoy our first offical sketch. It’s only 6 seconds long, so feel free to watch it a dozen or so times.

Also, prepare you assholes for another awesome Awesomesquad! Assembe! post. It should be up by Wednesday at the latest. (Please don’t hold me to that. We all know how this works- I make the promises and totally underestimate my inability to shut the hell up, writing-wise.)

Tee a coup (Peace Out)

Della’s Birthday: A Tale of Horror

“What the hell do you want this time, Minigan?” an ungrateful Della grumbled when she walked into the dark room. For a brief second, a flash of lightning from the roaring storm outside  illuminated the room, and for that second, I could see her face clearly. Her eyes were squinted with suspicion, as if that was going to help her see into my head. Foolish girl, she should’ve known that I was prepared for such mental attacks. That’s why I was wearing the foil hat.

“Hello Della” I said as creepily as I could.

She didn’t respond, but glared at me and let the white noise from the rain fill the void of silence from her lack of words. After the few seconds of tense silence between the two of us, she added harshly, “And why are you naked in my living room?”

Oh, and also that. But don’t worry, my hand was covering up, well, mostly everything.

“Oh God, are you here to rape me?” She asked.

“Wha- NO!” I cried, “What kind of monster do you think I am?”

“Do I really need to answer that?”

“No, please don’t,” I replied. There was another flash of lightning and an explosion of thunder. The winds picked up and made the entire house creak as it fought against the gusts. “I’m here to celebrate your birthday!” I exclaimed, trying to ease the newly formed tension.

“Those six words have never been more terrifying to me than they are right now.”

“Hey honey,” Della’s husband, Matt, began as he walked in. He immediately stopped once saw me sitting on his couch and then continued with the question, “What in the flying hell is going on here?!?”

“I’m going to celebrate Della’s Birthday with you guys!” I answered brightly.

“My birthday was last week.”

“I know that,” I replied, “but it snuck up on me so I had to wait until today to celebrate it with you.”

“But why are you naked?” Matt asked, clearly jealous of my awesome body.

“To keep Della distracted enough so that she cannot read my mind.”

“Then what’s the foil hat for?” Della queried.

“It’s another preventative measure to keep you from reading my mind,” I explained.

“You know when I said that we were mentally connected THREE DAMN YEARS AGO, I was only joking around, right?” Della asked, with some pity.

“Yeah, OK,” I scoffed, “You say that so that I will let my guard down and then you’ll invade my mind, make me eat garbage and then steal an elephant. I know your little games, you vile temptress. You just want my treasures, the ones in and outside of my head.”

“First of all, the eating garbage and stealing an elephant was all your idea. Don’t you dare try to blame that on me. Secondly, I doubt you have any treasure in that waste of neurons you call a brain. And finally, I cannot imagine there is anything you have that I would ever want.”

“Oh, yeah?” I shouted as I jumped to my feet. I then pressed my bare ass against the back cushion of the couch and began to slowly drag it up and down. I stared directly into their eyes as I cried wildly, “How about now, Della, now do I have something you want?! Huh?!”

“No because now all I want is for you to stop rubbing your ass on my couch!” She yelled. Even through the dark I could tell that she had tears in her eyes. Man, I’m just so bad at celebrating friends’ birthdays. I promptly stopped rubbing my buttocks on her furniture and sat back down. She took a deep breath and then asked, “How was that supposed to make me want whatever it is you want me to want, anyway?”

I paused for a moment to gather my many well thought out intentions and then replied, “I dunno. I guess I just figured it would work. Did it?”

“NO!” Della and Matt said in unison.

Offended, I retorted “Fine. Well I guess I’ll just put my pants back on and we can get to your birthday surprise.”

“Yes,” Della sighed with bitchy relief, “Let’s do that.”

I grumbled to myself as I rerobed, and reached over the couch for my gift to Della. The wind was picking up, and the hard tapping on the roof assured us that the hail the weatherman had promised had arrived.  Another lightning strike cracked the sky and briefly broke the dense black of the night. With some effort and careful balance, I lifted her present up from behind the couch and placed it on the coffee table in front of me.

Neither Della nor Matt spoke, clearly in awe of my awesome gift. It was a cake- but not just any cake- it’s the most beautiful and perfect cake ever created by man’s imperfect hands. It was a star shaped tower with five tiers. The icing was a golden yellow with silver fondit stars arranged in a complex wave pattern. Trailing each star was a light dusting of a glittery substance which I assured them was edible. When another strike of lightning illuminated the room, the cake’s decorations shimmered and dazzled those of us lucky enough to witness it.

“Who did you steal that from,” Della snapped, completely ruining the moment, the bitch.

“No one!” I shouted over the booming thunder, “I made it with my bare hands! I slaved for you!”

“I don’t believe you,” that awful woman said coldly, “You must’ve stolen it from someone.”

“NO!” I cried as I held the palms of my hands out to her, “These hands! These hands held the whip that I used to encourage a slave to make this cake. It was tough, grueling work, but I struggled through it for you, Della!”

“So that whole, ‘I slaved’ part…”

“Yes,” I replied frankly, “That was a pun.”

“You’re a terrible person.”

“A terrible person that brought you the greatest cake ever!” I exclaimed as the wind howled outside the window, “Now who wants a slice?”

I pulled out my trusty machete and was about carefully carve into the cake when Matt suggested that he go get a “proper knife” for cutting the cake. As he left the living room, he tried flicking the light switch on, but it didn’t work.

“The power must be out,” he said rather stupidly. It’s not like the light switch just decided to not work that day.

“Must be,” I decided to say instead of, “No fucking shit.”

He hurried back with some candles, a lighter, some plates and forks, and a less manly knife. Over the pounding rain, and the howling wind, you could hear the snapping of nearby tree branches. There was a loud bang, and then the wind flooded the house. It flew down the hallway, picking up an old newspaper, and carried it, sheet by sheet, into the living room where it swirled over us like a vortex of bad news and poorly written editorials. Matt ran back out of the room and slammed the front door closed. The wind died, and the sheets of newspaper wafted down to the floor.

“That was weird,” Matt quipped as he reentered the living room, “I remember locking the door when we came in.”

“C’mon,” Della said, sounding exhausted, “Let’s just get this over with.”

Matt (not trusting me with the lighter) lit the candles and we sang for Della. I made sure that I snuck in as many curse words as I could. Della managed to blow out all of the candles with one breath, which shouldn’t have surprised me what with that big, gaping mouth of hers. She then sliced the cake and handed a piece to Matt and me. She then took a piece for herself. Then, they both waited.  So did I. We stared at one another, not saying a word, as the storm raged on outside.

Finally, Matt asked, “Aren’t you going to try the cake that your slave made for you, Minigan?”

“It’s impolite to eat before the birthday girl,” I replied merrily.

Della and Matt had a grim looks plastered on their faces. Clearly they didn’t trust me, the jerks.

“Fine,” I said, “I’ll take the first bite. But I swear I didn’t do anything to the cake.”

I took a bite. Sweet diabetic fuck, the cake was delicious. The cake itself was a dense chocolate chocolate chip, but there pieces of strawberry baked into it too. The icing was a standard buttercream, but it also had the light taste of strawberries added to it too. Within seconds, I was scarfing down my slice of cake and ready for another. More confident, Matt and Della tried their pieces, and then began to shovel the dessert into their mouths like a couple of savages.

We each took a second piece. And then a third. I eventually took a fourth, and by the time I had finished that piece, we were leaning back in our seats with no desire to move.

“Ok, Minigan,” Della said as she stared lazily up at the ceiling, “This officially makes up for half of the horrible things you’ve ever done.”

“Yep,” I murmured as I let the heavy cake settle in my stomach. I was about to let myself drift into a sugar induced coma when the entire house began to shake.

I sat up, as did Della and Matt. I looked out the widow behind me, and realized that the storm had become “end of days” bad.  The wind picked up from a howl to a roar, and you could see it uprooting trees like they were weeds in loose soil. Lightning was flashing so often that was as if someone turned on a strobe light right outside the window. The pounding rain sounded like thousands of fists punching the room and the siding of the old house, which creaked like it was about to fall apart any second. And while I could figure out what was causing all that stuff, I couldn’t figure out an explanation for the walls shaking.

Apparently, neither could Matt or Della because in unison, they said, “What the hell is going on?!”

“Is that something that all married couples do, or are you two just especially creepy?” I asked.

Before they could answer (or probably ask what the hell I was talking about) a faint hissing started from behind the wall. The shaking and the hissing grew louder, and before long, it became obvious that both were coming from within the walls themselves. The banging on the inside of the walls grew to be so strong that dust started to fall from the newly formed cracks in the ceiling.

And that’s when the snakes started pouring into the room… from the walls.

Della shrieked in terror as the cracks in the drywall spread apart and snakes started pouring in like a scaly, hissing waterfall.

“You did this,” Della shouted as she jumped onto her chair, not noticing the crack above her head. The crack spread and dumped dozens of the limbless creatures onto her unsuspecting head. Della thrashed her head around, trying in vain to remove the serpents from her hair.

“How would I have done this, Della?” I shouted back at her.

“You put some of your crazy hallucinogenic drugs into the cake you dick!” she snapped once she got the last snake out of her hair. “You’re probably controlling this whole situation!”

“I swear I’m not!” I cried, “I have no clue what’s going on right now, I promise!”

The last snake slithered out of the hole in the wall, but the banging had become deafening. It was the pipes. You could see them banging against both sides of the wall, cracking the dry wall more and more with each hit. Then, all at once, the pipes cracked and started spraying sewage onto the living room. Almost instantly, the floor was covered and the stench assaulted our nostrils

All three of us screamed as much as our lungs would allow, and headed for the hall. We were fighting over who would get through the doorway first when the banging and sewage spraying stopped, and was replaced with a weird bubbling sound. Slowly, we turned around, and what we saw will probably haunt Della and Matt for years to come. From the lake of sewage that used to be their living room floor, reached a long and strong looking arm, made entirely out of shit. We stood there, petrified, as we watched the arm grow a shoulder, and then a torso, and then another arm, and then legs, and finally a head. The shit creature stood before us, standing at a good eight feet tall, and roared at us.

“Fuck this!” I screamed as I squeezed past Della and Matt and ran into the hall. They immediately followed, and we raced towards the front door. With one powerful kick, I blasted the door off its hinges and I sprinted out into the violent storm, screaming like a manly little girl. Della and Matt Followed.

Shielding my eyes from the rain’s vicious assault, I ran as fast as I could through the rising water. I heard Della and Matt shout things from behind me, but my own survival out ranks my listening capabilities, especially when it comes to cruddy friends that blame things on me. Unfortunately for me, they somehow caught up with me.

“What the hell was that about, Minigan?!” Della ask-screamed.

“I don’t fucking know!” I scream-screamed back.

“Well, this shit all started when we ate the cake you brought,” Della snapped, “What did you put in the cake?”

“I DIDN’T PUT ANYTHING IN THE GODDAMN CAKE!” I roared, “If I survive this, I promise to ask my gypsy slave what he added to it, but I’m still going to have to survive this ordeal with you two dicks first.”

“Wait,” Della said as she grabbed me by the shoulder and pulled be back to face them, “You enslaved a gypsy?”

“Well, who was I going to enslave? A black guy? That’s kind of illegal, Della.”

“I’m pretty sure enslaving anyone is illegal,” Matt added.

“Ooh,” I retorted as I threw my hands up in the air defensively, “Look at the cop lecturing me on what’s legal.”

“But why would you choose a gypsy?” Della asked, “You know they can curse you right?”

“What?!” I cried, “Oh, I’m going to fuck that guy up when I get back home.”

A faint scream made all three of us look back at Della’s now battered looking house.

“Hannah!” Della gasped, “Oh my God. We left her in there with that thing!”

Dell and Matt turned around and hurriedly sloshed through the water back to the house.

Staying far away from that doomed building, I called, “Just leave her! It isn’t worth it!”

“But it’s my sister!” I heard Della reply foolishly.

“I’ll buy you a new one!” I yelled back.

Impressively, this stopped the normally foolish Della. She turned back to face me, and with a concerned face, she asked, “Why do you always treat other humans as objects?”

“Hu-mons aren’t objects?”

She rolled her eyes (what a bitch) and headed back to the house. She and Matt entered, and I stood there, one hundred yards from what was possibly the gates of Hell, when I realized that I was all alone. Before I knew it, I was sprinting back to the house, thinking to myself, they’ll probably need my help anyway. I am  the only one who has fought immortal monsters before.

I kicked the front door open again (I had to prop it back up in the doorway first- I wanted to make an entrance) and sprinted back into the living room, where the sewage monster had Della, Matt, and Hannah cornered. The wall of stench nearly knocked me out, but through my own heroic fortitude, I muscled through the smell and grabbed my abandoned machete.

I stepped up behind the monster, plunged the machete through its back and muttered, “Eat shit and die.” Then, with both hands, I pulled my blade up, slicing the monster in half.

For a second, the monster stood there as if what I had done had no effect on him. But then, it fell to the ground and melted back into a pool of pooey filth water. The rain stopped pounding. The lightning stopped flashing. The wind stopped roaring. When the lights came back on, the four of us finally caught our first glimpse of the damage done to the living room. There were holes in the walls and ceiling large enough to fit a midget through. Various pipes- I doubt that all of them were for sewage- stuck out from those holes. The floor was littered with thousands of poo covered snake corpses, and hundreds more terrified snakes had gathered on the various pieces of furniture.

“My house is ruined!” Della cried.

“Yeah,” I replied as I scratched the back of my head, “My bad.”

“I’m never going to get the smell of shit out of the carpet,” she muttered, tears pouring out of her eyes and down her rain and poo water covered cheeks.”

“I know Della, I know,” I cooed to her, “And I know that this Birthday gift to you was kind of a bust…”

“KIND OF?!?!”

“But I have an idea that might make you feel better,” I continued as if I hadn’t been so rudely interrupted.

“Nothing will ever make me feel better, Minigan!”

With a fiendish little grin, I replied, “Not even force feeding the rest of the cursed cake to my gypsy slave?”

Immediately, she stopped crying. She looked right at me. Her eyes were still red and puffy, but the glimmer behind them told me she liked what she heard.

“That would actually make me feel better,” she answered, and for the first time ever, I had respect for her.

“Awesome!” I exclaimed, “Now Matt, load that cake into my car. I say it’s about time we serve some payback to a goddamn two timing, curse happy, gypsy slave.”

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