Within the past couple of weeks, the hipster photography app, Instagram, went from a relatively unknown app that only snoody iPhone users to a Facebook owned by snoody iPhone users, and the RC cola drinkers of the phone world: Android users.
Since I’ve been a part of the first group for several months now, I’ve seen a lot of pictures on there. Some are amazing. Those are from the professional photographers. Some of the others are from everyday people who are taking impressive photos from their everyday live. I like these pictures too, and neither of these groups are the topic of this post.
There is a third group of people on Instagram that make me wish that there was some sort of screening process to prevent tools from using the app. If you see any of these kinds of pictures, the “photographers” absolutely deserve your hate.
1. Uploaded phone screenshots to Instagram
I’m putting this one first because I am guilty of this, but don’t think that that makes it the least despicable. No. If anything, that should prove that this is probably one of the worst types of pictures on Instagram because I’m a huge hypocrite and not to be trusted. Now that I got calling myself a hypocrite (and therefore making myself feel better about being a hypocrite) out of the way, let me explain why.
With Instagram and any other photo sharing app/ site in which you can edit your photos, the point is to take a beautiful picture of what you’re seeing or what is going on in your life that day and to make that picture’s beauty stand out. You are absolutely not doing that when you upload a screenshot from your phone. All you are doing (besides pissing me off) is making something look artistic when there is no artistic thought behind it. Sure, Instagram connects to facebook and Twitter, but since Instagram is on your phone, so does your fucking phone. There is no reason to put it through a filter on Instagram first. And there is absolutely no reason you should blur out everything except one app on the screen. I’m talking about you @RealYellaBoy, whoever the fuck you are.
2. Stolen funny pics from other websites which were then uploaded to Instagram
In my mind, this is worse than the previous entry, and not just because I have never done this. What makes this one worse is that at least when someone takes a screenshot of their phone, they’re the ones who are taking the picture. No matter how identical these pictures may look to me, there is a connection between the photo and the photographer. This is not so if you just steal the image offline and upload it yourself. These types of pictures are usually a joke of some kind, but whatever humor they once had is lost on me because I’ve been thrown into a blind and senseless rage over some douchebag stealing other people’s shit. Adding an “artistic flair” to the photograph doesn’t make it anymore the uploader’s as me gluing my ball hair to the Mona Lisa’s chin make that painting mine. Trust me, I know. I’ve been kicked out of The Louvre enough times (10 times to be exact) for to take that hint. Yella Boy is particularly bad at this, but so is my friend and workout partner Jay. Here is a motivational poster he uploaded, which I then took a screenshot of, e-mailed it to myself and uploaded here:
I know what you’re thinking: “Minigan, you’re so awesome, and talented, and smart, and sexy. And also, Did you ask Jay’s permission to use that picture?” For that first part, thank you. I am, aren’t I? And as for the question: no I didn’t because I wanted Jay to see how it feels. It doesn’t feel that great, does it Jay? All of a sudden people stealing your shit doesn’t seem so great. Well, welcome to the Internet, Jay.
3. Pictures taken of the food the “photographer” is eating
I shit thee not, if someone does this regularly, I will stop following them. On Instagram, on Twitter, on facebook, back to their house. I will no longer take an interest in that person’s life. It’s one thing to take a picture of a particularly difficult or uncommon meal that you made, but if it’s a chipotle burrito, go fuck yourself. You aren’t unique. And you especially shouldn’t share your pointlessness with the rest of the people on instagram.
Even if the food you’ve taken was food on vacation, you need to know that no one cares. In fact, you should know that because whenever I see one of those pictures, I scream, “no one fucking cares!” into my phone loud enough that you should be able to hear me. That is how I always assumed phones worked, after all.
4. Taking too many photos over the course of the day
This one isn’t necessarily a type of picture, but it still comments on the douche factor of the person who took those pictures. If you’re a professional photographer, then you have the right to post your work as much as you want. For the rest of us, give it a rest. My personal daily upload limit for Instagram is usually two. I might post three if I upload two in the morning and one in the evening. If you spread them out, then I should be OK not ripping your throat out. But if you upload so many that my feed has several of your pictures in a row, then I will stop looking at any picture you post while I daydream about you getting brain cancer from your phone.
Luckily, these people are probably the most detestable people on Instagram, because if they do this then they’re likely to take the other Instagram photos I’ve mentioned. And if they’re a woman, then you know they’ve most likely taken…
5. Pictures of painted nails while holding the bottle of polish in the same hand
I don’t know what exactly throws me into a violent rage over this kind of picture. It might be that, as a man (a big, strong man), I do not find painted nails interesting. At all. Ever. And I never will. Or maybe it’s because the stupid picture is so goddamn over done that every picture taken like this looks exactly the same to me. Or maybe it’s even the plain old stupidity of painting your nails a pretty color, taking a picture of it, and then distorting the color with photo filters so that the viewer has no clue what the original color was supposed to be. But whatever the reason is, I hate these pictures and I hate the women who take them. They make the girls on 16 and pregnant look like welcome members of society in comparison. That is, of course, unless that pregnant 16 year old is also one of the women who posted that kind of picture. If she did, then she’s worse that Hitler. I hate these pictures so much that no matter how hot a woman may be, no matter how cool, or how funny, or how much fun, or how great her personality is, if she takes a picture like this, I will not go out with her. And if I’m already going out with her, I will dump her ass faster than you can say “Go drink nail polish remover.”
OK, I’m done ranting.