Minigan Blackwood: Photoshop Wizard

If you read my blog regularly, then you should know by know that I like photoshop. Actually, no. That’s an understatement. What I really mean is that if Photoshop was a woman, I would make passionate love to her all night and then call her the next day.

What I particularly enjoy about Photoshop is that it gives anyone with the know how and the patience the ability to manipulate reality.

Let me explain this through Photoshopped pictures.

Let’s start off with a simple photo modification to prove this point. Look at this picture of the Cocoa Puffs bird.

Image

Now, if you have watched a television within the past couple of decades, you know that this bird is “kookoo for Cocoa Puffs,” and if by “kookoo” he means, “has a debilitating chemical dependence for.” seriously, he’s bursting through a goddamn wall in this picture. He’s not just dependent, he’s at the point of dependency that he is certifiably insane. Unfortunately, this picture doesn’t show how batshit insane this poor bird is for the chocolate cereal.  So, with the magic of Photoshop, I can fix that:

Image

Just be thankful that isn't a knife he's holding.

And for some extra fun, here’s the same bird on the cover of Cocoa Puffs brownie crunch box:

Image

If you haven't tried this cereal, it tastes just like the original, only squarer.

See that chocolate on his mouth? Watch how quickly that turns from brownie batter…

Image

fudge?

…to feces.  See how powerful Photoshop is? You can take a character that has a mere chemical dependency and make him look like he’s crazy enough to eat his own feces.

But Photoshop can do so much more.

For instance, take this image of Paula Deen:

Image

gross

I personally don’t trust Mrs. Deen for a couple of reasons: 1. I think she is using her show to see to it that Americans get so fat that we won’t be able to protect ourselves from whatever invasion is next, whether it be Communists, Iran, or another wave of British rockers. With us being so rotund from Paula Deen’s diabetes inducing meals, we would get overrun in a heartbeat. But that’s mostly because Americans’ heartbeat will drop down to once a week. #2 is because of her face in every picture. Seriously, google her. She has that dead eyed stare in just about every single picture. I’m beginning to suspect that she died a couple of years ago and they just keep taking new pictures and claiming that she’s still alive.

And because of that second theory, here is Mrs. Deen with a really dead eyed stare:

Image

That actually helps a little.

I would have made her look like a zombie, but someone already beat me to that:

Image

She somehow looks more alive in this picture.

But there’s more to Photoshop than just fucking around with people’s eyes. Like, did you know that I was (and still consider myself) the 5th Beatle? Here is me with George, Paul, John, and the drummer on the cover of Sgt. Pepper’s:

Image

Sure, one can argue that that is a fake, and they could be right, but then again, there I am. Standing right next to my fellow Beatles with my trombone. Who’s to say that this picture isn’t real? History? Well fuck History. You can make your own history with Photoshop. And I’m not even the first. When Osama Bin Laden was killed a Photoshopped picture of some Mexican guy who kind of looked like Bin Laden was spread across the internet as the actual death photo of Bin Laden. Then there’s the picture of the lone Chinese man taking on a line of tanks at Tiananmen square in front of a large group of people, except that big group of people wasn’t actually there at all. They were added in after the fact.

So history is malleable. I guess that is what I’m trying to prove here. Well, either that, or that I’m awesome at photoshop and I wanted to see it for your selves. After all, I did make this picture a reality, despite God not wanting it to exist.

Image

That pussy is afraid of what 9 Minigan Blackwoods would do to the World. Which he shouldn’t because they would probably just be in the most narcissistic and creepy orgy ever.

OK, that’ all I wanted to talk about today. Peace out, and as always…

Image

Lenten Facebook Challenge: Day 26

OK, only 2 weeks left! I am beginning to think I will be able to to make it through this despite what those disembodied voices keep whispering in my ear. And because of this accomplishment, I am going to treat you all to an irrationally long, 13 minute video. Get yourself a hard drink, some tissues, and a crucifix, because this is about to get all kinds of offensive, sexy, and sacrilegious up in here.

P.S. Sorry about the length of it (That’s what HE said!), especially since I do not use it well (That’s also what he said!)

(Note: to any of you uptight people watching that that also do not know me, first of all, thank you for watching. Secondly, I am not a killer of babies. That was a joke. Get over yourselves and get a sense of humor, you prudes.)

Lenten Facebook Challenge: Days 13-16

I woke up Monday morning (feeling like P Diddy… sorry about that) and realized that it was actually Thursday evening. I then noticed that my head had a huge lump, I was wearing lipstick, and that by butthole hurt. I decided to let myself believe that I was picked up by an incredibly attractive and equally freaky woman, and spent the next three and a half days  drinking and sexing it up before falling down where I broke my ass and hit my head. That joke was funny on account of the concussion. Anyway, I then realized that I was not at my house. Upon further investigation, I deduced that I was actually in the trunk of a car and not in my bed. Naturally, I was confused, but after a few minutes of kicking with my energy legs, I was able to awesome my way out of it. I would make Charlie Sheen proud. Anyway, as it turns out, I was just in an abandoned parking lot across town, so I was able to call up my mom and get her to pick me up and take me back home. She didn’t even realize I was gone. It’s good to know that she cares.

Well, after that whole ordeal, I found the video that is below. I think it might just answer some questions about why almost 4 days of my life are gone with me having no recollection any of the events that transpired. But I’m still not sure how the beautiful woman factors into all of this. While I try and figure it out, you can watch the video. Enjoy.

On the bright side of all of this, since I do not remember the last four days, that means being off of Facebook was super-easy. I like that trade off.

And here are some pictures of the damage done to my room. Some of the pictures are pretty interesting.

I don't really have good captions for these.

I feel that they speak for themselves.

Stop reading these captions and just look at the damn pictures.

Why aren't you listening to me?

Bart Simpson right next to Facebook Jesus?

And I'm spent.

Peace

Top Internet Videos of 2010

If any of you remember the last post I wrote of 2009, you probably remember it being so awesome that you came after every 5 minutes of reading my pure word sex.  You may also remember that I chose the viral video of the decade to be the one about that batshit insane kid who owned a magical stripping blanket and sodomized himself with a remote. Im going to be honest about that video, I still firmly believe that it deserved to be the video of the decade, but that is because I had first saw it that year. I do not remember any of the other videos I had seen during that decade. What if there was one that made me question life more, but I simply forgot due to how fast things come in and out of our collective conscience. What of the other videos that were hugely influential to my development? I don’t remember any of them, partly because of the collective conscience thing, partly because I was in school during this entire decade, and had to push it out to absorb more useful (not really) information, but mostly because during that decade I began to hit the sauce.

Well, this decade is going to be different. For this decade, I am going to be proactive and post videos of the year so at the end of the decade, I will have a list to choose from.  That means that below is my list of videos for 2010. I am going to admit, there is none of this double rainbow nonsense. Seriously, fuck that hippie. Fuck him right in the ear.

So yes, here is my video choices of 2010!!! Woo multimedia and/ or intertextuality!

 

Videos of the year

Huntsville Bed intruder song

It only makes sense that this is the first video on the list; this has got to be the most entertaining music video of the year, other than “The Way you lie” by Eminem and Rihanna (That one where we get to see Dominic Monaghan domestically abuse Megan Fox), but this video takes one family’s pain, and turns it into entertainment for the rest of us. It is essentially doing what most reality TV shows do, except in a shorter, easier to digest clip. It also takes the editing that is done on reality TV to a new level, making the changes blatantly obvious. It is almost as if the video is saying “Look at me! I am an over the top parody of an eccentric person. I am making them into cheap caricatures of them former selves. They will forever be known for the editing job that has turned them into a walking soundbyte!”

Eva Mendes Sex tape

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/0a4d42beff/eva-mendes-sex-tape

What’s great about this video is Eva Mendes’s complete acceptance that men only like her cause she is oh so fuckablé. Instead of being offended or disgusted like some prudes would, she laughed it off and decided to play a joke on us all. This intentionally cheesy commercial and Mendes’s purposely horrible acting is even funnier with the lack of understanding that Mendes seems to have. So, while she is confidant and enthusiastic about her product, those of us with penises (and a few of us with vaginas (and even fewer of us with  both)) are surprised and somewhat heart broken when we saw that her sex tape was actually sex tape. I salute you, Miss Mendes. If you keep this up, I might actually begin to respect you as an actor and not just as a piece of meat to oogle.

Karma Sucks

You see, although many of you probably believe that I am an intolerable Douchebag (I wouldn’t consider you wrong there), my douchebaggery is more or less just an act to entertain you.  Having said that, it is not hypocritical of me to say that I hate douchebags in all of their forms. Sure, I have friends that are douchebags, and I like them fine, but I still know that they are douchebags, and therefore, I do not trust them. Now, we have this video. If you ever wanted proof that God/ Allah/ Buddha/ Karma/ whatever fucking loathes douchebags, here it is. This particular video shows what happens when the teenage brand of douchebag gets his comeuppance. I personally did not laugh at this video (at least not after the first few times I watched it), but I do feel an overwhelming surge of good feelings every time it is played. At the least, I feel nothing towards that hipster skateborder who attempted to take out a bike rider and was smacked by the angry front driver’s side bumper of the Lord. Amen.

Honest Grad School Video

http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1944515

It takes a certain level of brutal honesty with oneself to admit that they are in no way, shape, or form ready to handle the bullshit that exists in the real world. You can bet your ass that I am not that honest with myself. I am like 99% certain that I am going to be a famous novelist/ actor/ publisher/ billionaire playboy one day, despite the fact that I know deep down that it is never going to happen. But these kids, they’re self aware. They know exactly why they are staying in school longer, and it ain’t their love for academia. (Note: “ain’t” would be considered poor grammar to anyone with more than a Bachelor’s degree, but fuck them. I’m outta school, and my parents couldn’t be prouder.)

Ginger video

This video made it onto the list simply because this kid shot himself right in his pale, freckled foot by making this video. I am now so much more terrified of Gingers than what any episode of South Park could have ever made me. He does a good job at keeping himself calm and dignified, at least until 34 seconds in, when he loses his shit. In fairness to this freak, he is a teenager, so he is all angsty and doesn’t know what he is doing. But if that is the case, what the Hell was with that  thing at46 seconds in? Is that the Ginger mating call? Or is it how they alert others that they are making a kill and that it is time to feed? I also like how he is demanding an answer from us, the viewers, the ones who are watching months after this was put onto the internet, and flips out when we don’t answer him immediately. Either the red hair has infected his brain and he thinks the camera is people,  or this young man can see through the lens and at everyone who has ever watched this video. If it is the latter, then that would explain why he goes apeshit so fast. Think about it, you’re self conscious about how you look so you decided to make a video explaining why what people are saying is hurtful. You want to be eloquent, but all of a sudden, you see millions upon millions of people laughing at you. What would you do? I think your answer is go apeshit- crazy, redheaded freak apeshit.

Oh, and I need to thank Southpark for their parody of this video, if only because they probably pissed this kid off more:

Southpark Ginger video

like a g6

To make sense of the next video, you need to watch the video above.

 

like it’s quidditch

Yes, I like this video because of the hot Asian chick with the amazing rack, but I also because the video is about Harry Potter, and I have a total man-crush on Harry Potter. I would like to point out that I do NOT have a man-crush on Daniel Radcliffe; he fucks horses, but on the character himself.  Because of this, this video is great because of all of its references to the book series. And they allude to the Bernie Bott’s Every Flavor Beans with better rap skillz than the people in the original video. If you didn’t notice, they rhyme Three6 with G6. That is not even rapping, that is the same goddamn word. Fuck you, Far East Movement, YOU PAY NOW!!! Anyway, although I like all those things (and the fact that they make fun of Tilight) I’ve got to say that my favorite part is definitely the chick with the nice tits.

And since we are on the subject of Harry Potter:

Harry Potter Puppet Pals: Wizard swears

This video is on the list (even though I first watched it this side of 2011) because it answers a question that has bothered me for the past decade: Are there any cuss words in the world of Harry Potter? And if so, what are they? Well guess what you blast ended skanks, there are wizard swears and they are awesome! Expecto-patronads! But the best part of this video to me is how Neville is a squash voiced by Gollum. That is how I had always envisioned him before the movies came along and fucked all that up.

 

Well, that’s all I got. I am not choosing the definitive video for 2010, mostly because I’m lazy, but also because it will give me a ton more ideas for when I actually vote for it. Sure that just gives me a ton more work at 2019, but  who knows if im still going to be alive in 2019, let alone writing in this blog. So, yea, that’s about it for now.

You Hu-mons have a good evening.

The News Has Never Been So Sexy, or Disturbing.

Have you noticed how depressing the news is anymore? It doesn’t matter what news station you watch, because after five minutes of any station, you will have a sneaking suspicion that someone is trying to kill you. Also, have you noticed how incredibly hot the Anchor ladies are becoming? Seriously, some of these women need to pose for playboy, or at least Maxim. Shit, I would settle for a Tijuana bible of some of them.

Breaking News: I am pitching a tent!

But it makes sense, you need incredibly attractive women reading the news or ranting incoherently like all pundits, because, lets be honest- the world is not headed to Hell, it is sprinting there, knocking over little old ladies that get in its way. We need hot anchor ladies just because boobs make men smile, and we need something to make us feel better after watching anything on Fox News or MSNBC. This does cause some problems however. For instance, it starts arguments between my dick and my brain about what we are going to watch. My brain doesn’t like to watch the news, because the news makes my brain cry. My dick loves watching the news because the anchor ladies makes my dick cry in a good way. This would lead to many a evening where I would have a headache and be left feeling very frustrated (if you know what I mean.)

This went on for several days before my dick and brain decided that their silly arguing was not getting us anywhere. The three of us decided to search for other means of entertainment. We started with (much to the chagrin of my brain) sticking my dick in random objects. This lead to some comedic and oftentimes tragic consequences, and I am sure one of said consequences ended up on youtube somewhere.

Anyway, from there I discovered a little invention called the internet. It was amazing! All of the most beautiful women in the San Fernando Valley were all in this one place, getting fucked 24/7. I was going to attempt to break into the internet and see if I could get in on the action, but then I discovered the true face of the internet. S&M,  Simpson anime porn, and most evil video of all: 2 girls 1 cup. I had to take three showers after watching that video, and I still felt unclean. And then there was this thing (I swear, Cracked.com showed me this.)

when photoshop goes horribly, horribly wrong...

After that, I decided to quit arm wrestling the Cyclops, and went out to look for some sweet panooch myself. As it turns out, I am incredibly awkward, do not know how to flirt, and second guess myself when I think a girl likes me. Oh, how I wish those were jokes.

The point I am trying to make is that I used up all of my other resources for arousal; I only had three options left: becoming a peeping tom, gay porn (there’s got to be some chicks in it, right?), or the news. Deciding that the former two were more illegal and contained waaay too much sodomy than I care for, I decided to go back to the news. My brain developed a plan to deal with all that noise that those pretty on air personalities produce. That plan was called “Operation: Mute That Bitch.” I would turn onto the news station with the sexiest anchor ladies, and press the mute button. I would then imagine what these women were saying to me. I will give you a brief example of our conversations.

Jillian Hottits- Thank you for watching Minigan Blackwood, I missed you. I missed you so hard.

don't speak, just look pretty for the camera.

Me- I missed you too baby. What do you want to do tonight? What the Hell is he doing here?

Douchebag Scallywag- Sorry Minigan, but I will be jumping in between you two to sporadically kill your erection.

what a douche

Jillian- Your huge, throbbing, man erection

Douchebag- Yes, I will be deflating that. By the end of this program you should feel like your dick is bipolar.

Me- Get off the Screen, Douchebag!

Jillian- Sorry Minigan, but you know the rules. Anyway, did you bring the whippedcream?

Me- I sure did!

Jillian- Good, now squirt it on my big fake boobs.

Me- But you are just a TV screen, I can’t put on your che-

Jillian- JUST DO IT!!!

Me- OK, OK, just calm down. [sprays the whipped cream on the TV, over Jillian’s chest]

Jillian- Oooohhh baby, yea just like that. Now lick it off.

Me- oh, yeah! [starts licking] mmm… you taste so good. Do you like the way I lick you, baby?

Me- Baby?  [looks up] Oh, what the fuck!

Douchebag- This just in: Minigan Blackwood is licking whipped cream off of my suit, proving once again that he is my bitch.

Me- Fuck you

Douchebag- No sir, fuck you.

Me-Put Jillian back on, you slimy, cock gobbling excuse for human placenta!

Jillian- What did you call me?

Me- I didn’t call you anything, baby. Now, where were we?

Jillian-  I was just about to tell you what I want you to do to me.

Me- What do you want me to do to you?

Jillian- I want you to-

Douchebag- suck my old hairy balls

Me- NEVER!!!!

Douchebag- and then I want-

Jillian- you to gently kiss me all over my body. Start at the neck, and slowly work your way down to my navel. Then, before you head down south, I want you to lick my belly button while you –

Douchebag- fondle my big, floppy man boobs. Then you should-

Random black buy that stands in front of a map of the US- DIE MOTHERFUCKER!!!

the most terrifying weatherman ever

Me- Oh, shit no! the racist stereotype is back! Please don’t shoot me, For the love of Yaweh!!!

Stereotype- IT’S GONNA RAIN, BITCH!!

Me- Please, I’ll do anything! Just don’t kill me!

Stereotype- Fine get down on your knees.

Me- Ok, Ok. [begins to sob like a little girl]

Jillian- seeing you cry like that makes me so hot. Mmmm yea, sooo hot!

Me- Thank God you’re back! That racist and inaccurate stereotype was going to kill me.

Jillian-  It’s ok, baby. I’ll make-

Douchebag- You toss my salad, then I’ll-

Stereotype- MAKE IT RAIN, MOTHERFUCKER!!!!!

Me- fuck it, I’m done with this shit. [turns off the TV, wipes away the remaining whippedcream. goes into the bathroom, turns on the shower, climbs in, and curls into a ball and weeps uncontrollably]

I may go to Hell for this post.  Hope you enjoyed it!

Reese’s Peaces are nothing but feces

pictured: a pile of shit

Jimmy, you’re welcome.

Blogs

I am a hypocrite. I need to say that right off the bat, just because you will say it to yourself at least once while you are reading this. Since this is my first time blogging I want you to be gentle (but seeing that this is a blog, I expect you will make my soul bleed.)

I am writing on blogging for my first topic for a couple of reasons:

  1. To become a better writer. (that is why i write to begin with)
  2. So that when I start really getting into blogging, I can look back at this post and be amazed at how much I have changed. I’ll probably laugh at how stupid I was too.
  3. So that I can point out that I am a hypocrite so that there is no confusion about it.
  4. And because sometimes, I just feel like standing on a soapbox and ranting to anyone within earshot about random crap.

Well, seeing as I’m on my soapbox right now and everyone who can read English and has internet access is within earshot, I guess I should start my rant.

The fact of the matter is that I hate blogs. I honestly do. And yes I do see the irony in this blog post. I know that I shouldn’t hate blogs, because many of my friends have blogs, and I still like them despite this major character flaw. In fact, one of the aforementioned friends actually suggested this site to me. Thanks Trashley!

megan_foxOne of the main reasons I dislike blogs is because of how everyone who writes one thinks their opinion is important to be shared with everyone. Whether it’s politics, music, or how Megan Fox is the hottest women alive, everyone has an opinion and they insist upon having strangers read it.

The internet has made it so easy for people to share their thoughts and ideas to the online community that they have forgotten that their opinions do not matter. I am not saying that everyone who writes a blog shouldn’t have their opinions heard, just the vast majority. The people who have actually researched (I.E. politicians, or the people who work in that field of study) what they are blathering on about should have their blogs red. Not Bill from accounting who only repeats the talking points that his friends spewed off only an hour ago.  There are over 6 billion people on this planet, and every one of them has an opinion. Why should someone be able to preach it to the rest of the world about what they think just because they believe that they have it all figured out. This includes me. Not only is this my first blog, but I have read very few. This should make every argument that I make invalid, but I continue to stand on my metaphorical soap box and preach to you, even as I begin to come up with rebuttals to each of my arguments. I would put them in this blog, but I feel that I will have done enough to make my view point irrelevant by the end that if I add more, this blog post will go from hypocritical to a full fledged paradox.

And besides, what is the definition of an opinion? An opinion is “the view somebody takes about an issue, especially when it is based solely on personal judgment” so sayeth Microsoft Word. Anymore, people are regarding their opinions as facts, and it makes me lose my faith in humanity. A personal opinion is one that cannot be proven or disproven, because it it based on how one person thinks.

It also annoys me how self important people who write blogs are. This is actually why it took me so long to actually start writing a blog. Why should anyone listen to me? I am not important enough for my rants to be posted to the internet. What the fuck do I know? How is my viewpoint any different (or any better for that matter) from dozens, or hundreds, or thousands of people who think like me? All I can think about as I am joaquinwriting this is how I doubt any one will care. This seems futile to me. But I continue on, Goddamn it, because what I am saying needs to be said, even if the crowd of people has moved on from me and my soapbox and started listening to someone who actually believes that they are making a difference. I am like an internet homeless person. I may be right in some of my arguments, but my mental condition has caused many people to not trust what I am saying… Being white is a mental condition, right? That’s that the goblins told me.

Anyway, on to the comments. Now as I said, I haven’t read a lot of comments on blogs, but I have read enough to see that they can be just as pointless as the blog itself, if not more so. I think a video from college humor put it best. Here are some of the lines from their video “We didn’t start the flame war.”

  1. First post!

Fucking gay

  1. Second post!

Go away!

  1. Stupid picture
  2. Simpsons did it
  3. South park did it too.
  4. ROFL copter
  5. Really stupid
  6. I don’t know, I kinda like it.
  7. I hate Cindy
  8. I hate Mindy
  9. I hate fags and jews

Eh, it is not as funny with out the video. Watch it here:

http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1907543

The comments would make sense if someone actually wrote constructive criticism in them, but usually they’re filled with mindless dribble. As if all the fluff wasn’t enough, there are the people who post links to whatever they are affiliated with, and the people who spout overly creative insults at the blogger, or their fellow commentator. I am not saying you should not disagree with the person who wrote the blog, I am just saying instead of insulting them, debate with them. Show that your point of view is equally valid.

I’m finished.  Fire at will.

Peace on the floor

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