Nostradamus was a Nostradouchebag

That’s right, I said it. And you know what? I am frankly a little upset that I am the only one on the internet (I did not fact check this statement) who is saying it. In lieu of that, I will say it again, Nostradamus was a Nostradouchebag. Or possibly a Nostradumbass. Here is my reasoning for it:

It really all comes down to a single question: Did Nostradamus know that he was predicting the future when he was writing those goddamned quatrains? Let’s take this question hypothetically and answer it as such.

If the answer is “NO”:

If he did not know that what he was writing down was “prophesies of things to come,” then why did write it all down? He felt compelled? Bullshit. I felt compelled to write a bunch of poetry in 2008, and all that came out of it was the realization that I cannot write good poetry.

“But what if he was given the ability to see future without knowing what it meant by a higher power?” you may be asking me. Which, in all honesty is stupid of you, seeing as though I cannot read your thoughts and I am probably not sitting in the same room as you read this. But I will answer it anyway because you want me to. My answer is this: God made Mohammed, Jesus, Moses, and Abraham prophets.  And all of them ( though they could very easily be considered crazy) at least preformed some kind of amazing feat. They were all able to back themselves up with the muscle of a higher power.  Hell, Moses was as crazy as you would expect a guy who was abandoned in a river and wondered through the desert for 40 years to be, but God still gave him a staff that could turn into a snake and the ability to murder the shit out of some Egyptians. God did Moses the favor of backing him up when shit was going to get real. He did not do that with Nostradamus. Nostradamus, just made some crazy claims in the forms of 4 line poetry.

Judging by some of the “predictions” it’s almost as if good ole merciful Yahweh didn’t even give a damn. Either God really stopped giving a damn after we killed his son (that would account for The Dark Ages), He ran out of good ways to tell us things, or Nostradamus was a shit-house crazy old man who lost it after his first family got murdered by the plague. I’m going with that last one; No one claims that Batman knows the future, and basically the same thing happened to him.

And that’s not even taking into account that if God really did give Nostradamus those predicitons, then why in the holy name of fuck did He code them in poetry? He gave us The 10 Commandments as 10 simple, easy to remember sentences, and we still get them wrong all the time. Why did He think we were going to be able to figure the quatirains out before the events take place? If He did have anything to do with Nostradamus’ prophesies, then He is either a total dick, or He fucking loves irony.

If the answer is “YES”

Then Nostradamus is a dick. It’s that plain and simple. He is a dick for seriously writing down every goddamn quatrain,  every line, and every word as a goddamned riddle. Here, this picture will illustrate what I mean:

http://xkcd.com/875/

If  he really knew that all these bad things were going to happen, he could of at least  wrote the warnings in clear, understandable prose that would be impossible to misinterpret. I mean after all, we are talking about massive wars and hu-mon extinction here. And yes, Prose did  exist back then because that’s how everyone talked. Thinking that people in the 1500s and 1600s talked like they were in a Shakespeare play is like people 500 years from now thinking that everyone from our time act like the drunk assholes from Jersey Shore.

Seriously though, Nostradamus really should have spelled it fucking out for us.

“Oh, Hister meant Hitler, and Hitler was born near the Hister portion of the Danube River? Well thanks for letting us know Nostradamus. I mean, yea 6,000,000 Jews are dead, all of Europe is one big pile of rubble, and Japan got nuked twice, but you still warned us. Sure it would have been great if you would have just told us flat out, so that way we wouldn’t have let things get this bad. But hey, hindsight is always 20/20, right?” Fuck you and your plague riddled family, you godforsaken charlatan.

Oh, and for those of you who do not know what quatrain I referenced in the previous paragraph, it’s this one:

Out of the deepest part of the west of Europe.

From poor people a young child shall be born.

Who with his tongue shall seduce many people

His fame will increase in the Eastern Kingdom.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     source

First of all, Hitler’s parent’s weren’t poor; sure they weren’t rich, but they had enough money to send him to school after all.

Secondly, what counts as “The deepest part of the west of Europe?” To me Deep Western Europe would be more west, not more east, but hey I’m only using logic.

And finally, the third line, “Who with his tongue shall seduce many people.” I wonder who else did that…

Muhammed Ali

Bill Clinton

Martin Luther King Jr.

Barack Obama

Glenn Beck

Sarah Palin

V

Ronald Reagan

FDR

Dane Cook

Jesus

I would like to point out that I did not have any order for the pictures above. I just brainstormed there. Deal with it. What I’m saying is that being a good public speaker and very charismatic will get you power, and you just have to hope that the person does not use that power for evil. I’m all for calling Hitler the Anti-Christ, but based on that quatrain, anyone can show up at any-time and fit that same description.  Hitler then becomes some evil prick that makes time traveling baby murderers something honorable.

Oh and in case you’re wondering where all this is coming from, I read this article a couple of days ago on Vice Magazine’s website. It was pretty interesting, but also pretty depressing, because they said that the world was going to end in 4 weeks. But they also said that it will be caused by a huge earthquake  traveling East to West with the new day. Apparently you cannot trust anyone in the priesthood when it comes to anything with geology.

What I am getting at with this ramble is that we don’t know when the world is going to end, and we never will. The only reason we do this shit is because we all love the “we’re all going to die” scenario, probably because we are all secretly hateful bastards and want to see our enemies die, while we stuggle heroically.

The thing is that we hu-mons will never know the future, and no amount of gypsy blood or DNA modification is going to change that.  This means that all the end of the world conspiracies are trying to say they are the needle in an infinitely large haystack. Even the prophesy that the 2 Northernmost countries in the world would destroy each other in a nuclear war. The two Northernmost countries, by the way, are Russia and…..

Well, shit

Hey,  If there are any Canadians reading this right now,  I am willing to sell you Alaska for $500 on the condition that you must take the entire Palin family with the deal. You may do with them whatever you wish.

I am not saying that we are going to be here forever, and I am definitely not saying that all the doomsday scenarios are not possible. What I am saying is that we humans are not privy to that kind of information. Only Yahweh, Allah, Vishnu, The Maya Death Gods, or Barack Obama know when that is going to happen. But if Yahweh is the one pulling the strings, Palm Sunday was pretty good proof that I am safe, or that God has a great sense of humor (see footnote for story… yea, there’s a footnote).

God fucking loves irony so much that he fucks it and calls it the next day.

Footnote: On Palm Sunday, I went to church with my mom, as all begrudgingly good Catholics do. At the end of Communion, I was kneeling in the pew, watching the distributers bring the Gifts (The Body and Blood, or the crackers and wine, depending on whether or not you are a heathen). And as I knelt there, I watched the last woman bring her plate o’ Christ up to the altar, and I couldn’t help but wonder “how funny would it be if she tripped right now? Those crackers would go flying everywhere, it would totally ruin the tone of the service from solumn to slap-stick. I just hope I could keep myself from laughing.” She made it up to the altar just fine, but when she was headed back to her seat, she tripped and fell  right in front of the entire congregation. Everyone, including myself, gasped. I thought it was funny, not because she fell, but once she did, I thought “Oh shit, did I do that?” My next thought was “Hey God, thanks for answering my question and all, but honestly, I was okay with letting that one go. I didn’t know the answer to that one. You really wasted your time on me when you could be helping the people in Japan right now. But still, thanks, I do know the answer to my question now : it was kind of funny.

Alright, I’m done.

Peace until the world ends in 4 weeks

Lenten Facebook Challenge: Day 21

Before I get started, I would like to note that at the time of writing this post, my blog has had 1,168 views during March.  This is entirely due to the whole “me not being on facebook” thing, so huzzah for me! But like every good thing, there is a downside. In this case the downside is that I don’t remember anyone of whom I was friends with from before 2 days ago. I see a ton of names in my phone, but other than the few people that I have seen within the past couple of days, I have no clue who these names belong to. So, if your name is “David Mears,” “Jerry Harper,” or if I have ever called you “Bahannah,” “Trux,” “Rondizzle,” or “Trashley,” could you please leave a comment on this blog explaining who you are, how I know you, and how you are doing (If you are a friend of mine, I can only assume that you are just as self-centered as I) it would be greatly appreciated.

Ok, moving on. As I said in a recent post, I have been spending oodles of noodles of time on Stumbleupon.com, more commonly known as the internet productivity blackhole. Since I have been off of facebook, the webpages that I like has gone from around 70 to 149. That’s right. Over 70 liked pages. That is both intense and sad, but also good for all of you, my mystery readers (most of whom I do not know who you are and why you think my words are important), because I am going to share the best ones with you. Here they are, enjoy:

While I stumbled, I listened to this: http://www.rainymood.com/

#149: www.gameboyonline.com

I spent a good 4 hours playing Pokemon on this damn website. I don’t even know why I did, I never played it when I was younger, and I was a little curious. Don’t judge me.

#147: www.livenirvana.com/pics/9309unk/images/vma_60.jpg

I like this one because it was the first image in a long time that made me want to make a motivational poster. Here it is below:

#142: images.dailydawdle.com/crying-onion.jpg

I have nothing to say that will add to this.

#139: www.polyvore.com/bro_tips/collection%3Fid%3D838819

I wanted to share a lot of these with my bros, but then I realized I didn’t know who my bros were anymore, so I’m just going to post it here and hope they see them.

#130: survivingtheworld.net/Lesson58.html

The guy from Survivng the World is a common face for me, and therefore, one of my only friends.  He dispenses wisdom in the only form that I understand: humor.

#127: www.inbflat.net

This took so much of my time simply due to all of the different combination of sounds you can make. It is really beautiful in a really weird way.

#116: www.funnyordie.com/videos/bfb12aea47/charlie-sheen-s-winning-recipes

This. Video. Is. Awesome. More and more, I’m realizing that Sheen’s meltdown was really one big publicity stunt that we all fell for. I mean, no one is that insane and entertaining without being in a mental institution or on an episode of Maury. In any case, all green things must die.

#105: www.inudge.net/index.en.html

Hey, you like music? Well fuck. Try this website out anyway; it’s pretty awesome, and also a hardcore music maker.

#101: www.nerdblerp.com/story/2011-02-02-7-grimm-fairy-tales-that-would-make-great-movies

I recently read that there are 3 new adaptations of “Snow White” coming out within the next 2 years, which proves that Hollywood is really goddamn lazy. Here Hollywood, someone did your research for you. Make these movies.

#97: www.toplessrobot.com/2009/07/the_10_creepiest_are_you_afraid_of_the_dark_episod.php

This is the article I wrote about a couple of posts ago, so I’m not going to explain it any further.

#92: www.viceland.com/blogs/en/2010/02/09/the-science-of-the-creation-museum

Now, I am already a fan of Vice Magazine, so I already liked the site. But it still seems fitting that stumbleupon takes me there occasionally. And even though I read this article a while ago, I still liked it because the first image they show is of Eve copping a feel of Adam. Stay classy Vice Magazine!

#89: www.andrewbosley.com/the-brainstormer.html

I loved this because it is a really effective way of getting an idea for a story that in no way, shape, or form is not a comedy. For instance, when I just clicked on the button, I got “Prey to Misfortune, Wartorn, Dwarf.” Comedy gold!!!

#80: www.soundcloud.com/tracks/search%3Fq%3DDon%2527t%2520Worry%2C%2520I%2527m%2520Yours%2520%28Jason%2520Mraz%2520vs.%2520Bobby%2520McFerrin%2520vs.%2520Israel%2520Kamakawiwo%2527ole%2

This is such a feel good song, in that they take 3 feel good songs and put them ass to mouth, like what you would expect if Human Centipede was an upbeat musical. This song also introduced me to Jason Mraz’s song “I’m Yours” which I now love.

 

Ok, the rest of my likes are ones that I would find useful for my random interests, or a lot like others that I found. I hope you waited to look at them all until now. No, that wasn’t a rule, I just thought you would be polite enough to wait until the end. You didn’t? Well, you’re a dick.

OK, I don’t have anything else left to say for this post, so I’m going to end it here. I’m going to go stumbeupon…

STUMBLE!!!!

P.S. I only have 19 days left until I can get back on Facebook. Hooray!

STUMBLE!!!

Lenten Facebook Challenge: Days 13-16

I woke up Monday morning (feeling like P Diddy… sorry about that) and realized that it was actually Thursday evening. I then noticed that my head had a huge lump, I was wearing lipstick, and that by butthole hurt. I decided to let myself believe that I was picked up by an incredibly attractive and equally freaky woman, and spent the next three and a half days  drinking and sexing it up before falling down where I broke my ass and hit my head. That joke was funny on account of the concussion. Anyway, I then realized that I was not at my house. Upon further investigation, I deduced that I was actually in the trunk of a car and not in my bed. Naturally, I was confused, but after a few minutes of kicking with my energy legs, I was able to awesome my way out of it. I would make Charlie Sheen proud. Anyway, as it turns out, I was just in an abandoned parking lot across town, so I was able to call up my mom and get her to pick me up and take me back home. She didn’t even realize I was gone. It’s good to know that she cares.

Well, after that whole ordeal, I found the video that is below. I think it might just answer some questions about why almost 4 days of my life are gone with me having no recollection any of the events that transpired. But I’m still not sure how the beautiful woman factors into all of this. While I try and figure it out, you can watch the video. Enjoy.

On the bright side of all of this, since I do not remember the last four days, that means being off of Facebook was super-easy. I like that trade off.

And here are some pictures of the damage done to my room. Some of the pictures are pretty interesting.

I don't really have good captions for these.

I feel that they speak for themselves.

Stop reading these captions and just look at the damn pictures.

Why aren't you listening to me?

Bart Simpson right next to Facebook Jesus?

And I'm spent.

Peace

Lenten Facebook Challenge: Day 9

 

Hello Everybody! I’ve missed you! Here, pull up a chair, and I will tell you all about my first week without Facebook. For those of you who aren’t going through this with me (which should be all of you), go fuck yourself. Fuck you. You think you know me? Bitch, I will straight jump through the fucking internet and strangle you with Google’s search algorithm. Don’t fucking test me; I am Minigan Blackwood: Internet Lord. YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY?! TWUNT, YOU ARE FUCKING NOTHING TO FUCKING ME. I WILL FUCKING FUCKING KICK BALLS TITTY SLAP SHIT COUGAR DOUCHE COCK HELL ADHKJDELSD KDMEKFDKDFK AKJD FEIAS TLKDMEM ASLKJ AIFJADKJF KDIEAGHKE COX SEIG AOIEADNMD DOID DFA………………………….

I'm sorry, the writer whose words you were reading, Minigan, just had a mental episode. Please make a note of it.

 

Sorry about that. My “Darkside” took over for a moment. Anyway, what I was going to say was that this is actually much more difficult than what I previously expected. I didn’t  actually think of the social ramifications that would come about from me not having a facebook. I have no clue as to what’s going on in any of my friends lives right now. If I want to know, then I have to ask them, and I don’t want that, because they will take it as an invitation to vomit out every little bad thing that has happened since the last time I talked to them. For instance, I found out today that one of my coworkers broke up with her boyfriend. This actually wouldn’t be news to me at all, if it wasn’t for the fact that everyone else knew about it but me. I know that I am not important enough to be kept in the loop for every detail of everyone’s lives, but c’mon people, at least clue me in on the important stuff.

But despite that, I think the worst part of not being on facebook is that it did not lower my time that I waste online. That was my main expectation: that since I was not wasting my time on facebook, I could do other activities like watch movies, read books, go outside, and be a member of a real society again, but this didn’t happen. The only thing that happened is that I took all the time that I was wasting on facebook, and dispersed it on many less worthy websites. The things I have been wasting my time with have also become increasingly weirder as well. I seriously spent two day watching old episodes of “Are You Afraid of the Dark” on Youtube (fun fact: when you watch the show now, you can tell that it is very Canadian).  And to be honest, for a kid show, they are actually pretty intense, in particular the episode below, “The tale of Dead Man’s Float.”

I remember this episode better than I remember many of the others specifically for the ghost in it. Before I watched it again I did not have a clear image in my mind of what it looked like, so when I got to the part when it rises out of the water for the first time, I said, partially in shock, “That ghost is horrifying.”

Sweet Merciful Fuck! This is from a kid's show!?!?

The episode itself isn’t all that dramatic, but the story is only about 20 minutes long, so that can be forgiven, especially after seeing that ghost. I may not have screamed when I saw it, but the fact that I actually said out load that something is terrifying is usually a pretty good sign that it is scary as shit. Seriously, look at that picture. Picture yourself standing at the edge of a pool when that thing comes out. If you do not see yourself emptying your bowels into your pants, then you are either stupidly cocky, or you have balls the size of aircraft carriers.

Anyway, another thing that has been stealing time away from me was this game. It is called Douchebag Workout, and in it, you basically lift weights and try to get your character to go from weakling to muscular douchebag. It kind of pissed me off because it makes it seem like the key ingredient to douchebag behavior is a muscular physique. And to stick up for my gym rat brethren (not myself- I have already proven that I am a douchebag), I would like to point out that most of the are good guys that do not have an over inflated sense of self-worth. But with all that aside, the fun thing about this game is that you can take illegal substances in the game like steroids and some radioactive Russian hormone booster. These are things that I would never try on myself, but If I am using it on a virtual person, why the hell not?  It is also pretty awesome to see results after only three reps, but hey, I’m not a personal trainer, maybe that is how it actually works and I’ve been wrong this entire time. Or, you know, it could be the steroids. Anywhoo, I beat the game in one day, and once I was done, I realized that I just wasted all that time doing something to a virtual person, only for me to turn around and go to the gym later that day. I might be obsessed with working out.

Despite both of those time wasters, Stumbleupon has been by far the most time consuming. I am not going to explain what Stumbleupon is, because you have already read its name, and your curiosity will draw you there either way. But, if you are so foolish to go looking for it, there is no saving you. You will be lost forever in the dense ocean that is the internet. You will be forever trapped in a limbo of websites. Some good, some bad, but each one beconing you to click that button again and see what’s next. It is internet crack. But it’s free, so you don’t need to suck anyone’s dick for it, so it does have that going for it.

I guess what this all comes down to is this: yes, facebook is a major time waster. Yes,  most of the shit that is posted on it is retarded, and is better left in the person’s head. Yes, people take it too seriously. But at least it is actually a form of social interaction. That’s right, I said it. It is a form of social interaction. You show your friends pictures, videos, random websites, tell them jokes, talk to them, let them know general information about you, of course that is social interaction. It is just through a new medium. And that is what is lacking from everything else that I have been doing online: that interaction. Despite the fact that I am looking at the same thing as a million other people, I am still completely isolated from them because of this whole Jesus thing. It’s kind of depressing when you stop to think about it. To counteract that, here is a picture of a puppy:

Well, that is all that I have to say about that.

Peaces and cream

 

The Lenten Facebook Challenge: Day 4

I’m not writin’ shit today. Watch this instead. By the way, since WordPress is a dick, I had to create a youtube account so that I could post it. Seriously, fuck you WordPress.

 

Blam.

Life off of Facebook: The Beginning

Hello World, and more importantly, hello Facebook friends. If you are one of my Facebook friends, then I am assuming you have been wondering why I only posted a blog and updated my status yesterday. If you noticed my lack of activity, then you Facebook stalk me and I am probably going to get a restraining order against you. Anyway, after I updated my status, I decided to give up Facebook for Lent. For those of you who do not know, I am Catholic (no need to apologize; it’s not your fault) and during the Lenten season, Catholics are supposed to give up something they enjoy for 40 days. This is supposed to represent the sacrifice that Jesus made by dying for our sins, because, as you can obviously tell, giving up chocolate for a little over a month is exactly the same thing as being sentenced to death, tortured, beaten, dragged through town, and nailed to a cross.  It’s the EXACT same goddamned thing. Another fun fact about Catholics during Lent: we are not allowed to eat the meat of land animals on Fridays, which symbolizes how fucking crazy Catholics really are.

But at least our priests look like pimps

So yes, I decided to be hardcore about it this year and give up facebook for Lent. And I am going to share the experience with you, so that you can learn from my mistakes. Hooray entertaining people at the cost of a lot of virtual social interaction!

The Rules:

  1. No logging into Facebook at all unless it is an emergency (I don’t know what scenario would lead to a Facebook emergency,  I assume it would be when Zuckerberg sends his thugs to forcibly log me in.) When I say at all, I mean that I cannot use a computer, phone, or iPod to get onto Facebook.
  2. I am not allowed to read the e-mail notification that Facebook sends me. I cannot promise not to open the e-mail, because my blackberry opens recently received e-mails when I pull my phone out of its sleeve.
  3. I am not allowed to have anyone post something for me, nor am I allowed to look over someone’s shoulder and read what is on Facebook.  That is like indirect facebooking, and is just as bad. And along the same lines…
  4. If I unintentionally do read what someone has posted via e-mail (it happens), then I am not allowed to respond to it via my blog. Also pertaining to my blog,  I am not to use it as a way to update my status. If I am going to write a blog, it has to be at least 500 words or a two minute video.

But what this means for all of you is that you can write diabolical things on my wall, and I will not be able to do a thing to stop it. You guys could have a blast with that. Be creative! Have fun!

Anyway, in an attempt to keep the readers of my blog (who may or may not be my facebook friends) informed on my journey through the next 40 days of Lent without facebook, I have decided to use my blog as a travel journal of sorts. Buckle up, bitches, the road is about to get all fucking Catholic up in here. Wow, that metaphor didn’t make sense.

 

Day 1

11:00 AM (or sometime around there)

The first thought after deciding to give up facebook was I should update my status so that I let all my friends know. I then noted that my immediate reaction of me giving up facebook was to talk about it on facebook. This is going to be a hard 40 days.

I then found out that a job that I am going in for will mostly deal with social media, you know, like facebook. This is going to be a really fucking hard 40 days.

2:30-3:30 PM

I spend most of this time pacing.  I don’t think that this had much to do with facebook, as it did with the boredom that I was feeling at the time.

5:30

I got home from the gym and really wanted to update my status about me dead lifting 405 lbs, which is a new record for me. I was really pissed that I couldn’t gloat about it, but I moved passed it.

The rest of the night went pretty smoothly. There were minor instances in which I had the urge to update my status or upload a photo. Luckily, 30 Rock, Parks and Recreation, photoshopping an image of myself and my last blog post kept me busy enough to forget all about Facebook for the rest of the night.

Day 2

I cheated a little today; Katie Waldrop was looking at my facebook page, and I asked her to tell me who liked the link to my last blog post. I’m pretty sure that by me committing such an infraction, The Pope is going to personally cut off one of my toes.

Katie Waldrop is a temptress from Hell

Even though I did slip up, right after that I came up with the rules you read above, so now I actually have guidelines I need to follow. The structure should make it easier for me.

The rest of the day wasn’t too bad. I spent my time after work at the gym, taking a shower, ruining waffles, and sleeping. However, I am already starting to forget important numbers from Facebook, like my friend and photo count. But hey, as long as I don’t forget who my friends are, it shouldn’t be so bad, right?

 

Ok, that’s all I have for now. I will be posting throughout the 40 days of Lent, so check back regularly to see where I am in this whole ordeal.

Also, If you clicked on the link from my Facebook page and got here, you are probably wondering how I posted this to my wall. Well, I had previously set up my WordPress account to automatically update my Facebook page whenever I publish a blog post. Since this was implemented long before Lent, I am going to allow it. Suck on that, Yahweh.

Peace

 

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