Awesomesquad! Assemble! 2! (Revisitied!)- Part 3!!!

 

This section is long, so I’ll  get right to it. Here are parts one and two if you haven’t read them or need to be reminded of what happened. They are much shorter. Enjoy

Over the four days leading up to our coup of the Kardassian residence, not a single thing went as we hoped. Wait, that’s not true; Damien’s workouts were going perfectly. Damien was pushing us harder than he had ever done before, making himself resemble more of an overaggressive drill Sargent rather than a coach. But as for everything else: Shit went to hell fast. Our one potential lead on Kim’s ass, a blogger who once hated Kim Kardassian but suddenly became her biggest fan, was too mentally far gone to be of any real help, so Lady Smash and I had basically spent an entire day following a red herring, Jesse was still having issues with the Awesomebus!’s engine, Everett misplaced several of his tools, and Raul had disappeared. While searching the base for Raul, Lady Smash and I told the team about our meeting with the blogger and formulated our plan for the break-in.

By the ninth, the day our break in and overthrowing of Kim Kardassian was planned, we still had not found Raul. So while Jesse finished working on the Awesomebus!, the rest of the team did a sweep of the base and surrounding areas. Of course, Nut’n Fancy had to voice his opinions about it.

“I always said we shouldn’ trust Raul,” Nut’n Fancy reiterated for the 3,000th time, “I said that he’d hightail it outta here first chance he got.”

“His car’s still out front, Nut’n Fancy,” Everett said, “He couldn’t have gone anywhere without his car.”

“Except maybe Mae’s Woe,” GMZ noted. He then turned to me and asked, “Has anyone checked there yet?”

“Criss, Damien, Derren, Lady Smash, and Phlegm are searching the town right now. They haven’t found him yet. Do you have the keys to the jail cells?

“Hey guys!” Jessie exclaimed as we came back from checking the cells, “I got the Awesomebus! fixed! We’re ready to go now.

“We can’t, We still have to find Raul,” I told him.

“No, Minigan,” GMZ argued, “You do. The rest of the Kardashians will be leaving for Kim’s fake surprise party, and it took me all of the past three days making calls to make it work. If you screw this up, we won’t get another chance- mostly because I won’t do it again.”

I sighed, “Fine, let me get the rest of the team back here.”

I paged the team scouting for Raul in Mae’s Woe through our earpieces, and then Nut’n Fancy, Everett and I headed to the armory to gather up our weapons while Jesse went back down to the Awesomehangar! and GMZ made his way to the Watchtower. Slowly, the five team members made their way to the Awesomebase! and into the armory.

As the final member, Damien, walked in, he asked, “What’s happening? Why did we call off the search?”

“We need to go on our mission,” I answered, “We’ll resume the search when we get back.”

“But he’s been gone three days! He could be bleeding to death in a ditch somewhere!”

“Well,” Everett interjected, “If he has been bleeding in  ditch for three days, he’s probably already dead.”

We all stared at Everett.

“What?!” he cried, “I’m just stating the facts!”

“I still don’t think we should give up now,” Damien said, “Raul is one of us. He should be a priority.”

Just then, GMZ marched in and announced, “I’ll keep looking for him while you guys go fight Kim Kardassian. I’ll just watch all the security footage and find where he went.”

“You didn’t do that first?!” Lady Smash shouted.

“I’m sorry I was too preoccupied with putting this whole diversion together to do something anyone else on this team could have done,” GMZ snapped at her, “but now that I have the time, I can.”

“OK, so it’s settled,” I said, “GMZ will watch the security footage.” I turned to Damien and added, “Do you want to stay here and help him with that? You do seem pretty concerned for Raul.”

“No,” Damien replied in a defeated tone, “GMZ’s handling it. I’ll come along with you.”

With that, Team Pugnastics and Team Prevention separated and prepared themselves for their tasks ahead. Phlegm would be in charge of getting us into the Kardashian house and taking control of their security cameras.

About five minutes later, everyone heading out was suited up, armed, and ready to take down Kim Kardassian. We boarded the Awesomebus!, and Jesse drove us through the Awesomehangar!’s tunnel and onto the road. The trip to LA was a dull one. It was Everett’s turn to choose the music we listened to, so he chose “Run This Town” by Jay-Z, which prompted me to retell the time I nearly crashed through his window during our fight with Donald Trump.

We got to Kim Kardassian’s neighborhood around 9:00. The road was quiet but well lit. Jesse killed the engine, and we sat quietly, waiting for Phlegm to do her job. After a minute or so, the streetlights above us went out, followed by the rest of the street. Still sore from Damien’s damn workouts, we hobbled up the street with our 500 pounds of protective gear and weapons.

Keeping-Up-Kardashians-House

This is truly the entrance to Hell.

“Hurry,” I whispered to them, “Phlegm can’t leave the streetlights off for too long, otherwise the locals will get suspicious.”

“We know and we are,” Lady Smash grunted from behind me, “But it feels like someone pumped concrete into my muscles and is forcing me to run through sand.”

There was a murmur of agreement, as well as some well-placed curse words directed at Damien, but we continued down the street to the Kardashian house. We just made it to our target’s house as the streetlights came back on. I ducked around the corner, and with my team behind me, I snuck towards the back yard.

Pressing the button on my earpiece, I said, “Phlegm, we’re in position. Take out the security cameras now.”

There was the sound of a keyboard clicking on her end, then some unintelligible muttering between her, Derren, and GMZ. Finally she said, “It’s a go. All security systems are off line. But be careful. There still is a lot of camera crews around.”

I said, “Got it,” and then turned to my team and whispered, “Take anyone on the production team out with tranquilizer darts.” I threw my grappling hook over the wall and said, “Let’s go.”

I was the first one over the wall, and I fell flat on my face. I managed to roll myself out of the way just enough for Everett to fall behind me. I stifled a groan as I stood up and then pulled out my tranquilizer gun. Once the rest of the team was back on the ground, we fanned out around the pool and made our way to the house. My steps were deliberate and slow. I moved without a sound except steadily increasing heartbeat. It was dark in the backyard; there was no lights except the ones that came from in the pool, but I felt like I could see everything. My tongue tingled, I was so excited to take out Kim Kardassian. Wait- no. I was biting my tongue. Shit. Just as I stepped onto the patio and prepared to take Kim’s back door (pun very much intended), I heard a light “puft” and then a splash of a body falling in the water. I spun around. Criss and fallen into the pool, that fucking moron.

“Did you hear that?” A man’s voice said from inside.

“Shit, Criss, get out of the pool.” I whispered.

“He can’t,” Damien whispered back, “I accidentally shot him with a dart.”

“You bloody Moron!”

The back doors swung open and two grungy looking guys in t-shirts and shorts stepped out. They immediately saw Criss and ran to the pool. Lady Smash and I got each of them with a tranquilizer dart.

“Somebody get Criss out of the pool,” I commanded to my team.

Everett volunteered, and the rest of us snuck inside, with me in the lead. The first room we entered was the kitchen. Just about everything was white, except for the black and white checkerboard floor, the matching tea kettle, and the mirror like backsplash. Something felt off about the room. As I looked around, everything from the vase full of flowers to the pots and pans, to even the plates in the cabinets felt staged- nothing was out of place. It reminded me of a staged home in a housing development through which potential buyers could take a tour. As we crept into the equally pristine den (where a soaking wet Everett rejoined us), I yet again found no evidence that this house was lived in by these people. As Lady Smash thumbed through a pile of neatly stacked but otherwise untouched magazines with Kim Kardassian’s face on them, I could tell she was thinking the same thing.

It wasn’t until we entered the front hallway until we heard any voices at all. It was a woman’s voice… Kim’s voice. Something deep inside me rose up, making my heart race and my hands tremble.

“Minigan, are you OK?” Lady Smash whispered from across the hallway.

Everyone was looking at me. It was obvious that her voice alone still had an effect on me. I clenched my fist and took a couple deep breaths.  Get it together, Minigan, I thought to myself, You’re not going to fuck this up for the rest of the team. Get a hold of yourself, and block out thoughts of Kim’s ass.

I let out one long breath and replied, “I’m fine. Let’s do this.”

Don’t think about Kim’s ass.

We moved closer to the room where the Kim’s voice was coming from. Remembering the floorplans that GMZ gathered, it was coming from the room they used for their confessionals. When we got close enough that I could understand what she was saying, I knew I was right.

Don’t think about it. Do not think about Kim Kardassian’s ass.

“I cannot believe my family went to a party and didn’t invite me!” Kim’s voice cried in a betrayed tone.

Her ass, don’t think about it.

A man’s voice replied, “That was good, Kim. But let’s try it again, and this time sound more hurt. Remember, they didn’t even tell you they were going to a party. They just left you here. How does that make you feel?”

Her perfect, round, big ass. Don’t think about that ass…

“It makes me feel like I should crush them!” Kim yelled.

Crush them with that ass… stop thinking about that ass!

“Let’s work on this confessional first,”  the man said, “Then you can destroy your family.”

Don’t let the ass take control. Don’t let the ass take control. Don’t let the ass take control.

Damien, who was closest to the door, put his hand on the doorknob and looked to me. I gave him a nod, and he burst through the door. He immediately took out the two camera men with his tranquilizer gun. However, Kim jumped onto her chair and spun around to show us her ass. Damien, Everett, Nut’n Fancy, and I froze in place. I stared directly at those perfect orbs, and as I did I heard Billy D William’s voice in some distant corner of my head.

MBFW Miami Swim : Becca - Front Row

“Hey baby” I head it say from afar.

No.

“C’mon baby. You know you want to let me in.”

No. Go away. I don’t want you.

“Then why do you hear me at all?”

GET OUT OF MY HEAD, ASS!

“You don’t want to make this easy for me? Fine, baby, I’ll let myself in.”

Kim started to bounce her ass up and down, and suddenly there was nothing else besides her ass. No room, no camera equipment, no fellow members of Awesomesquad!, just that ass.

“That’s better,” The Ass said, “Didn’t you miss me?”

“Yes,” I replied, “It feels like a lifetime since we’ve been apart.”

I heard a small voice, coming from a woman, say “Ugh.”

The Ass paused. It was unpleased with that woman’s ugh.

“What’s wrong, you glorious buttocks?” I asked The Ass.

“You brought someone with you. A woman. I do not like her. Destroy her.”

“Are you sure you want me to destroy her?” I replied, “That must be Lady Smash, I could just get her to leave.”

“I can hear you, you hypnotized dipshits!” Lady Smash’s voice interjected.

“She is too much of a threat,” The Ass answered, “Destroy her, and we can be together forever.”

“Of course, I will destroy her.”

I turned away from The Ass and searched through the fog in the room to find Lady Smash. She had backed into a corner. I pulled out a knife from my pocket.

“Guys,” the evil Lady Smash pleaded, “Listen to me. You’re all being hypnotized by Kim Kardassian. You need to fight it.”

“I would rather fight you,” some unimportant voice said from somewhere else in the room.

Lady Smash scowled, “So be it.”

In an instant, Lady Smash had grabbed the back of my head and smashed my face into the wall. I crumpled down into the corner with a dull pain spreading across my face. She ran out of the room. I dove after her and missed, and several other people chased after as I scrambled back to my feet.

I ran out of the confession room, my face wet with what I assumed was blood from my nose, and followed the sounds of Lady Smash and the other people to the kitchen. I unsheathed a knife I found on my vest and stepped into the kitchen. Lady Smash was backed into a corner of the kitchen, on the other side of the island, with Nut’n Fancy and Damien on one side, and Everett on the other.

The Beautiful and Glorious Ass commanded, “Attack her all at once, baby. She can’t fight you at the same time.

The four of us took a step towards her. She grabbed a frying pan from its hook over the stove, and swung it at Everett. He dodged it, but it caught Nut’n Fancy in the jaw. Nut’n fancy spun around, and fell to the floor, and then Lady Smash kicked the distracted Everett in the chest. Damien and I charged together at Lady Smash, who dove headfirst over the kitchen island. She stumbled to her feet and ran into the living room, yelling something unimportant to someone that wasn’t there. We followed her, knives drawn. The Glorious Ass had removed itself from the battle, thankfully.

Lady Smash overturned the couch and the chairs, before fleeing the room. This didn’t slow Damien, and slowed Everett and I only slightly. We chased the vile woman into the den. She had two guns drawn, one looked like a Taser, and was continuing to babble to someone.

“I know how to finish this,” Nut’n Fancy announced with a smirk.

Lady Smash’s evil eyes grew wide as Nut’n Fancy unholstered his gun. There was a “pamf” and Nut’n fancy fell stumbled to the ground with a dart in his neck.

“One down,” Lady Smash said, “Minigan, please don’t make me beat the shit out of all of you.”

Damien roared and charged at Lady Smash. She tagged him with her Taser, and he fell into a convulsing heap on the floor. While she was distracted by Damien, I charged at her. She dodged my knife swipe at the last second, but I did manage to slice at her arm. There was a spurt of blood, and an accompanying “Motherfucker!” from Lady Smash before she spun kicked me into the wall. My head smacked against the modern fireplace, and I fell to the ground.

Suddenly, there were a lot of new voices in my head. Familiar voices. They were calling for me.

“Minigan?!” Do you hear me?” The voice then mumbled to someone else, “Do you think he lost his earpiece?”

“His mind is being controlled by Kim’s fat ass, GMZ” a woman replied, “He can’t hear you.”

“I can now,” my mouth managed to speak, “Lady Smash, keep doing that. It’s working.”

“Hey baby. Don’t talk to her. She’s evil.” The Ass said in my ear.”

“It’s taking ahold again, Smash,” my voice managed to say, “Keep doing it.”

“Doing what?!”

The voices were gone. All that remained was the soothing, sensual voice of The Ass. The Ass was my world again, 1,000 times and 1,000 times more. I climbed back to my feet. With my knife in hand, I charged at her again. I jabbed and slashed at Lady Smash’s stupid, evil face, but she was just nimble enough to avoid getting cut. She grabbed a lamp off of an end table and hurled it at me. I dodged it, and the shattering glass was accompanied by a heavy thump behind me.

“Do something!” Lady Smash yelled to me.

“I’m about to,” I replied.

I reached into my cloak and found Justice Stick. I tugged on the pole and it came sliding out of its pocket. I aimed the blade Lady Smash’s throat and took a step forward. Then, I was airborne.

With the force of a truck, something plowed into me and threw Everett, Nut’n Fancy, and myself into the wall. When I climbed out from the other two I saw that magical douchebag Criss standing between Lady Smash and me, dripping wet with his arm outstretched and his palm flat. I scrambled to my feet, managed to yell something like, “Magical motherfucker!”  and dove headfirst into the invisible wall between us.

Once again, the other voices in my head were back. My surroundings were clearer, and the looks on both Lady Smash and Criss’s faces were of both shock and fear. My head throbbed, and the copper taste of blood lingered in my mouth.

“Criss, Smash!” I yelled, “Keep hitting us on the head. It’s the only way to knock us out of it!”

“You don’t need to yell, dick, we’re right here,” Lady Smash retorted.

“Well, I’m glad I didn’t cut off your sass when I cut you. But seriously, sorry about that,” I said back.

“YOU TRIED TO KILL ME!”

“Only because he was hypnotized by Kim Kardassian,” GMZ’s voice interjected over our earpieces.

I climbed to my knees and put my hands on the invisible wall. I looked into Lady Smash’s eyes. The fear was still there.

“Listen to me,” I said to Lady Smash, “You’re going to have to knock the thoughts out of us. It’s the only waaa-“

Nut’n Fancy grabbed me by the throat, and with more strength than I expected from him, threw me against the wall.  Sharm pain shot through my chest and back as I fell onto an end table and then onto the ground. When I looked up, Nut’n Fancy and Everett were clawing at the invisible wall. And then Kim Kardassian stepped into the room. Almost immediately, the other voices started to recede, and The Ass’s voice began to resurface.

 

Derren, who’s voice was grew more and more distant with each word, called to me, “Fight it! You must decide you don’t want to be hypnotized!”

“Don’t listen to him, baby. I’m all you’ll ever need. Everyone else is a distraction.”

Another voice rang out in my head. It was even smaller than Derren’s but even under The Ass’s influence, I knew whose voice it was. Mine. Remember Lady Smash, Minigan, I said to myself, You will not hurt her again. Or Criss, or the rest of the team. You will fight this ass.

Kim Kardashian 3- Censored

“No.” I blurted out, “You will not hypnotize me anymore!”

And with that, The Ass’s Billy D Williams voice was gone. I stood up, looked to Kim Kardassian, and raised a single middle finger. She glared at me, and, without speaking a word to them, Nut’n Fancy and Everett stopped clawing at the invisible wall and turned to me.

Everett lit the burner on his flame throwers and swung the column of fire at me. I dodged it, barely. I ducked down and spun away from him, my face still catching some of the heat from the flame. Deafening shots rang out. The bullets from Nut’n Fancy’s gun bounced of the back of my cloak and clattered on the floor. The gun fire stopped- he was out of bullets. Thinking quickly, I grabbed the end table that I fell on by the legs, swung around, and broke it across Nut’n Fancy’s face as he reloaded his gun. He fell to the floor, let out a weak groan, and began clutching his head.

I turned to Everett, who had lit his flamethrower again and aimed the plume directly at my face. I high kicked, and managed to chatter the butane tube of Everett’s wrist, killing the fire. Everett then came at me swinging, but I flipped him over my head and dropped him behind me. I dropped on top of him and started smacking his head with the closest end table leg I could reach. One hard blow on the top of his skull ended Everett’s fighting, and left him groaning in pain. I grabbed him by the face, and made him look at me.

“Say that you don’t want to be hypnotized,” I commanded.

“Wha?”

“I said, Say that you don’t want to be hypnotized, otherwise I’m going to slam your head into the floor until your skull cracks!”

Everett cried, “I don’t want to be hypnotized!”

Suddenly his eyes grew wide and he let out a gasp.

“Yeah,” I replied, “ I know.” I looked to Nut’n Fancy, who was fumbling around on the ground, and asked, “Say it too, Nut’n Fancy or I’m going to clobber you just like did Everett.”

“I don’t wanna to be hypnotized no more,” Nut’n Fancy stated.

I climbed to my feet, and then pulled Everett and Nut’n Fancy to theirs. They rubbed the lumps forming on their heads, but otherwise they seemed fine. I looked around. Kim Kardassian was long gone. I stepped up to the barrier between us and Criss and Lady Smash.

“You can let us out now,” I said to Criss, “I think we have it under control.”

Criss and Lady Smash exchanged apprehensive glances, but Criss finally lowered his arm. The three of us walked through what was once Criss’s invisible barrier.

“Nice job holding us of off, Lady Sma-“

She punched me hard in the nose, making it gush blood again.

“Jesus Christ the kung fu master! I said I was sorry!”

“Stop use’n The Lord’s name in vain!”

“Well,” Lady Smash replied in an even tone, “We at least know the two of you are back to normal.”

“Guys,” Everett interjected, “Where’s Damien?”

Shit.

Together, the five of us left the den to look for our rogue teammate. We took silent steps- well, as silent as we could with Criss’s wet boots making a splosh sound with each step. We stepped (and Criss sploshed) back into the kitchen. The pristine kitchen was dark and silent. There was no trace of either Kim Kardassian nor Damien.

“Do you think he left with her?” Lady Smash asked in a whisper.

“I’m not sure,” I answered.

“Cause that would be a great twist if he really went rogue and officially teamed up with a villain and we had to defeat him.”

“But that would suck for us.”

I peered around the room, and my eyes fell on the only closed door. The pantry.

“It would make this story really interesting, though,” Criss added.

“What story?”

“Our story. Of what we’re doing. I’m breaking the fourth wall.”

“Well stop. It’s weird. Plus this is real life not some story,” I retorted.

“You’re right. Plus, the plot is vague at best.”

I shushed him and pointed to the pantry door. Everyone nodded, and we all crept to the door. I held my breath, listening for any sound of life from behind that door. Everything was still. I glanced back at my team, who were eyeing the door and clutching their weapons in anticipation, and I reached for the doorknob.

“Shit!”

The five of us let out a scream of shock.

“What, GMZ, What?!” I cried.

I turned away from the door, just a few degrees, and Damien burst through and tackled me. With little effort at all, he pinned me to the ground with his knees and held his knife high above me. In one fluid motion, Lady Smash swung her frying pan and smacked Damien across the face with it, knocking him out and off of me. Nut’n Fancy and Everett pulled me back to my feet as I screamed into my earpiece.

“What the fuck is so important that you had to interrupt us like that, GMZ?! I could have been killed!”

“I know who did it?!”

“Did what?”

“Everything!” GMZ replied, “The multiple Awesomebus! problems, Everett’s missing tools, it was all Damien! He tampered with the bus, and stole the tools off Everett’s desk.”

“Lady Smash,” I asked, turning to her, “Did you make sure that you knocked Damien out when we were watching Keeping up With The Kardashians?”

“Yeah,” she replied, uncertain, “I mean I think so. I thought the Taser did the trick.”

Damien stood up behind her with a furious look on his non-bashed half of his face.

“Smash! Look out!” I cried.

Just as Damien went to stab her, Lady Smash spun around and beamed Damien on the same side she had done just a moment before. He crashed down to the floor and clutched his face.

“Shit!” Lady Smash said with a quick laugh to the writhing bald man, “Damien, I didn’t mean to hit you that hard.”

“Bloody Hell, Smash!” Damien cried.

“Sorry, Damien,” Lady Smash replied in a tone that said she wasn’t sorry at all, “But I guess you could say I’m skilleted in hand to hand combat.”

The other five of us groaned at the pun, but Lady Smash ignored it.

Criss and I helped Damien up, and the six of us trudged out the front door and back down the street to the Awesomebus!. When we got there, Jesse was humming some imaginary tune and drumming on the steering wheel. Within a second of seeing us, his expression turned from excitement to horror.”

“What happened in there?!”

“Kim Kardassian’s ass was too strong for their feeble minds,” Lady Smash answered, “So Criss and I had to set them straight.”

“And why is Criss wet?”

“A certain British teammember of ours was hypnotized this entire time, and he took me out with a tranquilizer dart,” Criss answered.

“Damien,” Jesse asked, “I’m guessing that was you?”

“No shit, Jesse.”

“OK!” Jesse added with a laugh, “Let’s get back to the base.”

Jesse started up the bus, and we drove out of West Hollywood and out of L.A. The music was turned off, and everyone sat in silence and tended to their wounds themselves. I saw that Lady Smash was struggling with putting butterfly bandages on the cut I gave her, so I went to help. She pulled back at first, eyeing me suspiciously, but then she sighed and showed me her arm. We sat quietly as I put each of the bandages on her arm.

As I put on the final bandage, I said, “I really am sorry about cutting you like that.”

Lady Smash replied with a sigh, “I know. It was Kardassian’s fault. She is just too powerful… I mean, not for me, I easily overcame the ass. But for you guys? She is quite the formidable opponent.”

Thankfully, just then, Team Prevention interrupted Lady Smash’s self-congratulatory speech over the bus’s speakers.

“Hey everyone,” Phlegm said, “We’ve scoured the tapes looking for any sign of Raul, and we cannot find him. The last thing we see of him is him leaving the Awesomebase! and stepping out of sight of the cameras.”

“I know where he went,” Damien interrupted, removing the ice from his beaten face.“He went into the woods to build a marker for Kim Kardassian.”

“So she would know where to find us!” Everett exclaimed, his eyes wide at the revelation.

“Jesse,” I commanded, “Get us back to the Awesomebase! as soon as possible.

“Sure thing, Boss!”

We got back to the base sometime in the middle of the night, and everyone other than Lady Smash looked far worse than before we got on. I my skin was pale and my face was caked with dried blood, Everett and Nut’n Fancy were sporting several large goose eggs on their heads as well as  a few bruises to their face. Everett was limping. I think getting thrown into the wall by Criss’s magic may have sprained his ankle. But Damien was by far the worst. He looked like if Two-Face from Batman and an orc had angry tequila sex and had a mutant Halfling baby. The one side of his face was almost completely black and blue, and it had swollen up so much that his eye was forced shut.

We met up with team prevention, and everyone followed Damien into the woods, flashlights drawn, down our old sexual walkabout trail- turned obstacle course (yes, we did keep the signs up) to the clearing were we used to keep the Awesomecopter! Damien stopped at the edge of the clearing, but I walked past him to get a better view. Then, without warning, I ran out of ground. Damien managed to grab hold of me around my chest as I dangled over a deep hole that wasn’t there before. When I stopped looking the ground  several feet below me, I saw what Raul had built. Two giant, round, perfectly identical mounds of dirt, at least forty feet tall, sat in the center of the clearing.  On top of one of the mounds was Raul. He was crouching down, and it looked like he was stroking the mound.

“It’s a giant butt,” Nut’n Fancy said in awe.

“It’s Kim’s giant butt,” GMZ added.

Earth Mound

It’s glorious.

Damien let me down first, and then everyone except Everett jumped down after me, and we made our way out of the giant ditch and up the mound to Raul. Nut’n Fancy and Criss managed to subdue him without much of a fight.

“Ok,” I said, “Who wants to beat the hypnosis out of him?”

“Not me,” Lady Smash replied, “I think I’ve beaten him up enough for one year.”

“No one has to beat him up, you bloody savages!” Derren yelled, “I can pull him out of the hypnosis without violence.” “Come, Criss,” he added as he started to walk back to the path, “Bring him back to the base and I’ll fix him.”

Once they made it up the ledge and back onto the path with Everett, I looked to my team and said, “I think taking the giant ass monument can be left for tomorrow, what do you think?”

My team murmured in agreement, and we all made our way back to the base to get some much-needed recovery sleep.

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Awesomesquad! Assemble! 2! (Revisited!)

Hi Everyone! I know it has been almost a year since I posted anything, and even longer since I posted anything book related, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t been writing. I started a new magazine with my boyfriend (check it out here), so I’ve been primarily busy writing the articles for that, and I have been working on my book, just nothing that you’ll see here. I did, however, finish the battle between Kim Kardassian and our gang of lovable idiots.

For those who have never read an Awesomesquad! post of mine before, welcome! This should be exciting for you. You’ll probably want some background info, whether you’re new or just need a refresher, so check this page out. It will give you the information you need about the team.

Other than that, enjoy!

Kim Kardassian

*****

It was about a month after I introduced Phlegm to the team before we had any celebrity fighting mission. I actually remember the date- September fifth. The date itself isn’t all that important; I’m just impressed that I remembered it.

Anyway, the guy installing our Satellite TV service had just left, and Derren, GMZ, Criss, and myself were changing back out of our cult garb. Damein, Everett, and Nut’n Fancy were out in the woods surrounding the Awesomebase!, building our obstacle course. Jessie was in the Awesomehangar! working on the Awesomecopter!, and Phlegm and Lady Smash were out buying supplies. Feeling that yet another day would be ending early for me, I headed up to the kitchen to gather up some brownies Lady Smash had baked, and then catch up on some TV. However, when I got to the Great Room, I found that the TV and the brownies had already been claimed by GMZ.

As I approached, I noticed something off. He stared at the TV, his expression blank, and he was barely holding onto the half-eaten brownie in his hand. I watched him for a few seconds, expecting him to snap out of it. He did not.

“Hey, GMZ,” I called to him.

I got no response. I repeated myself, but still didn’t even get a murmur from him.

“LISTEN UP, YOU LOUSY SACK OF DISGARDED LLAMA PLACENTA!” I yelled.

When he didn’t answer to that, I marched towards him, grumbling, and nudged the side of his head. He toppled over, but he snapped out of it.

He jumped back to his feet, his face scrunched up and red with anger, and screamed, “WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU DO THAT ALL I WAS DOING WAS WATCHING TV WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM?!?!”

“Whoa,” I cried as I dodged his swinging fist, “Calm down. I was just trying to get your attention.”

“CALM DOWN?! NO I WON’T CALM DOWN!!” He took another couple swings at me, which I batted off. He then yelled in my face, “YOU ATTACK ME AND THEN SAY I NEED TO CALM DOWN.”

“What the bloody hell is going on here?” Derren asked as he and Criss rushed into the room. Raul came running into the room from the lab, holding a mop in one hand and a scalpel in the other.

GMZ cried, “I was just watching TV when this psychopath attacked me!”

“I nudged you!” I retorted, “And I only did that because you weren’t answering me!”

“Both of you, calm down,” Derren commanded. He then looked to GMZ and said, “Tell me what happened.”

Damien, Nut’n Fancy, and Everett entered the Great room just as GMZ started his story. GMZ told Derren how he was sitting quietly watching TV and eating a brownie, when I, in a jealous rage, stormed into the Great Room and began beating him over the head. Derren nodded and asked me to tell my side of the story. I explained to him what really happened, and while I did, Derren didn’t take his eyes of me.

Once I was finished telling my side of the story, Derren stood quietly for a couple of long seconds, and announced, “I think they’re both telling the truth.”

“What?!” GMZ roared.

Derren clarified, “I don’t think Minigan actually attacked you, GMZ. None of his body language is coming off as if he’s lying. But I think that you believe that he attacked you, because other than you being livid right now, your body language is saying the same thing.”

“No!” GMZ cried, “He did attack me. He’s just jealous of my relationship with her!”

“With whom?” Derren asked.

“With her!” GMZ shouted as he pointed at the TV screen. The six other men rushed around the couch to get a good look at whom GMZ was pointing.

I looked down to see a towering, vaguely humanoid creature stomping around in the yard. Judging by its surroundings, I figured the beast had to be at least ten feet tall. I could only assume it was a woman by its hair and clothing.

“That mountain giant?” I asked.

“No, not Khloé,” GMZ snapped at me, “Her.”

khloe Kardashian

AAahhh!

 

 

What came onto screen next made me gasp. An ass- but not just any ass- a perfect ass. It was big but toned, round but perky. It was like someone had stuck two balloons under a skimpy red dress. I could not look away. Even the rest of the body attached to the beautiful ass was amazing, but my focus kept getting pulled back to that butt. It was like it was speaking directly to me. And then, it did.

“Minigan, baby,” The ass cooed at me, its rich, smooth chocolaty voice making love to my eardrums, “Just sit down and look at me. I’ll take care of everything you need.”

I believed this ass. I believed it would take care of me. In only that brief amount of time since I had met it, I had never felt anything as strong as the love I felt for it. Even after those few short moments together, it had become more than just my world, it became the whole reason I exist. The answers to all of life’s greatest mysteries were nestled between those firm, cushiony butt cheeks, and I was sure it wanted to confide in me, so I obeyed it.

“I will do anything to make you happy” I heard my self say. I think I heard other people say it too, but they didn’t matter. They were so far away, and their voices were so small, that I knew that they weren’t talking to the stunning ass I had said it too. In fact, not a single thing those voices mattered. The only thing that was important to me anymore was keeping that ass happy.

The Ass replied in it’s deep, seductive voice, “Good. Now, what I want you to do is to send me all the money you have. I need it to make myself look good for you. You’re so handsome and muscular. I want to be the best that I can be for you.”

“What’s going on here?” I heard a faint woman’s voice say. I didn’t answer.

“Hey, guys, what’s wrong?” Another woman, this one just as uninteresting as the first, asked.

“Baby,” The Ass warned, “Two jealous she-devils are trying to keep us apart. They are here now. You must stop them, even if it means killing them. Do it, for uh-“

The world went black, and suddenly, I was thrown into a cruel, hideous world where the Ass was no longer present. In front of me were the two she-devils I was warned about: Lady Smash and Phlegm. The Betrayers! I thought, I bring them onto my team, and they take the love of my life away from me?!

I and several of the men around me screamed at them both. I was in such a mindless rage, that I cannot remember what I, or the rest of them, said, but I do remember screaming to the point where drool was running out of the side of my mouth. Looks of fear were carved onto Lady Smash and Phlegm’s faces, which only made us angrier. I lunged at Lady Smash, who dodged me, threw me to the ground, and drove her boney knee into my spine.

“What the hell is wrong with you?!” She yelled, the anger in her voice barely covering up the fear.

“You took The Ass away from me!” I managed to sputter out with what little air my lungs were getting.

“What?!” She, Phlegm, Criss and Derren cried.

I was starting to get a better sense of my surroundings. At the edge of my peripheral vision, I could see forms floating somewhere above Lady Smash’s head. They were the bodies of Damien and Nut’n Fancy.

“What the hell is Minigan Talking about Derren?” Phlegm asked.

“I don’t know. We were just watching ‘Keeping Up With The Kardashians’ when they all went into some bizarre trance.”

Lady Smash grunted and replied, “Why were you watching that garbage anyway?”

“GMZ said that he was in love with someone on there, and he was trying to show us who,” Criss answered.

“Lady Smash,” I gasped, as I squirmed under her knee, “Could you ease up a little bit? I’m sorry I tried to attack you. I’m better now.”

She warned me, “If you try to attack any of us, I’m going to tase the figurative and literal shit out of you.”

“I promise I won’t,” I said with sincerity.

She released her knee from my spine, and immediately I scurried on my hands and knees to the TV and turned it back on. After an entire lifetime crammed into a single second, The Ass returned to me.

“Minigan, baby,” it cooed seductively, “I missed you.”

 

The voice wafted out of The Ass and into my ears, assuring me that it would take care of me, and I was lost to it again.

Kim Kardashian 1-censored

I tried to reach for it, just to touch it and let it know that I was real and there for it, but it vanished and I felt a wave of burning pain crash through my muscles. I tried to scream, but my jaw, vocal chords, lungs, and brain stopped working. My arms and legs twitched as the Great room came back into view. Lady Smash, Phlegm, Derren, and Criss were standing over me, and a pair of wires lead from somewhere in my chest to Lady Smash’s Taser. Then, everything went black.

“Kim Kardashian is Gross” Says Entertainment Weekly

I got the latest issue of Entertainment Weekly today and saw this on the cover:

In their next issue, they speculate on how much of a drunk mess Lindsay Lohan is.

Why is it that EW is the only publication actually asking this question? She’s famous for a sex tape, she was married for like a week to Kris Humphries (Whom, I’m told is a basketball player of sorts, but no one cares about that. Let’s just get back to the juicy gossip part!), and I’m still pretty sure one of her sisters is part troll.

God, can you keep food out of your mouth for one second, you hideous beast?

So, for some slut who was troll blood in her, you’d think that she would be demonized by the media, but no. Kim is as famous as ever. But EW (their acronym is appropriately the sound you should make when you see a Kardashian) finally came through for the public and wrote an article on how gross Kim really is. I haven’t read it yet. But I can only hope that they reveal that Kim’s vagina is filled with sharp teeth, that her ass is a dick magnet that attracts men to their doom, or that she is in fact Armenian.

I would also like to point out how they worded the blurb on the cover: “Plus, How gross is Kim Kardashian?” It’s like they’re saying, “For real, on a scale of 1 to Ke$ha, how gross is she?” My guess is around 7-8, which is less that “2 girls, 1 cup” but higher than “mutilating the corpse of a rotting skunk with your bare hands.”

Anyway, that’s all I have to say about that. Happy Guy Fawkes day.

Awesomesquad Assemble 2: Rise of the K-Oh, Damn That’s A Fine Ass!

Can a honky get a motherfuckin WOOT?!

honky

As you can tell by my previous exclamation, I am rather excited. I got my second tattoo this weekend and it turned out better than expected. I also got to spend time with my PA friends, which only happens once every couple of planetary revolutions. Basically, it was a party. Other than two of my friends missing (including my one best friend) all of my closest friends came together almost coincidentally to the house of a kid I’ve never talked to before. A couple of my friends were going, and they invited me along.

It was at said party that I realized how not fun I am. There was a beer pong tournament going. I did not play because I had to drive myself home, and I am responsible like that. Instead, I sat near the table and watched. After a while I began to think of how disgusting that game is. The ping pong balls were on the floor more often than in the cups, and at one point, a ball landed in a shoe. To “clean it off” you dip the ball into a cup of water that one has dunked the ball into countless times before.  As I watched, all I could think about was whether or not the players washed their hands. Worse yet, I thought all of this and still wanted to play.

my friends are partiers

my friends are partiers

Ok, enough about me and how I suck at life, but still miraculously still have friends, and onto what you really wanted to read: Updates from my last blog!

I’ve added three new members, and two of them are women. Goodbye sausage fest-Hello coed mixer!

The first is Ashley Caggiano and she is my Jane of all trades. Her mastery in Tai kwon do will make the group hard to beat when we combine it with the kickboxing skills of my brother and/or the gym owner. Also, (and this is going to sound sexist) she can cook and clean. If you are offended by that reason, continue reading before you write me angry comments. I say that she can cook and clean because I’ve seen her do both. I work with her, and she is pretty much the only person that cleans the Writer’s Studio. I’m not saying that she would be the maid; I’m saying that she would teach the group to not be slobs. And as for the cooking, she makes awesome cupcakes and baked goods in general. ashleyI know that After a hard day of fighting bad guys, and  possibly losing the big baddie that we were trying to capture, it would sure lift everyone’s spirits if someone quickly whipped up a batch of fudge brownies. She also gave me a bunch of good reasons in her comment on my last blog post. This brings me to the most important reason that I am hiring her to my team: Her balls. Not only did she have the tenacity to ask to join, but she also gave many good reasons of why she should be allowed in. I need that kind of incentive and determination on my team. To anyone else who wants to join, sorry but posting a comment to persuade me to join only works once.

The Second person is someone that Miss Caggiano suggested. I looked into his credentials, and I have decided that GMZ should definitely be my hacker. It takes a maverick renegade like GMZ to turn the world on its head. I am confident that he could hack into the Dutch Mafia’s computer system and  get the information on the choco-cannibi smuggling plans, and the schematics to the bomb that will blow up the Hershey factory.

The third addition to my group of crime fighters is my friend Emily Kohlberg, who will be the team psychologist. This position does effectively destroy one of Ashley’s arguments, but its worth it. Not only will Emily keep the peace, and the mental health of the team at a healthy “sane,” she can also question the people we capture alive with Derren. While Derren uses mind manipulation his own way, Emily can use the Hannibal Lector method (IE digging into the painful memories of our detainees past to extract information.) Granted, she may not be 100% suitable for hand to hand combat. I’m not saying she’s fat; I’m saying that we don’t want our resident psychologist to be killing people. She could totally kick some ass if she wanted though.

I also have an update on the debate you have anxiously forgotten all about: who will be the boxing instructor? On Friday as I was drinking with my brother, I spoke of the blog post and the debate, and he informed me that he was certified as a boxing coach a week or so ago. I also told him of the gym owner being able to punch a man in the stomach hard enough to make the man throw up, and he said that he will learn to do that. This puts my brother ahead in this competition I didn’t even know I was going to have. If the owner of my gym wants to be in my group he’s gonna need to step it up a notch.

And finally, our second villain is Kim Kardashian’s evil twin Kim Kardassian. Kim KardassianShe is a formidable opponent because her hypnotic ass can cause a zombie like state or even fighting between the males in the group. She could even be able to hypnotize the ladies, but it will be more difficult. It will be up to the women to save the (currently unnamed squad) from the evil clutches of a perfect badonkadonk.

Peace of shit

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