Awesomesquad! Assemble! 2! (Revisited!)

Hi Everyone! I know it has been almost a year since I posted anything, and even longer since I posted anything book related, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t been writing. I started a new magazine with my boyfriend (check it out here), so I’ve been primarily busy writing the articles for that, and I have been working on my book, just nothing that you’ll see here. I did, however, finish the battle between Kim Kardassian and our gang of lovable idiots.

For those who have never read an Awesomesquad! post of mine before, welcome! This should be exciting for you. You’ll probably want some background info, whether you’re new or just need a refresher, so check this page out. It will give you the information you need about the team.

Other than that, enjoy!

Kim Kardassian

*****

It was about a month after I introduced Phlegm to the team before we had any celebrity fighting mission. I actually remember the date- September fifth. The date itself isn’t all that important; I’m just impressed that I remembered it.

Anyway, the guy installing our Satellite TV service had just left, and Derren, GMZ, Criss, and myself were changing back out of our cult garb. Damein, Everett, and Nut’n Fancy were out in the woods surrounding the Awesomebase!, building our obstacle course. Jessie was in the Awesomehangar! working on the Awesomecopter!, and Phlegm and Lady Smash were out buying supplies. Feeling that yet another day would be ending early for me, I headed up to the kitchen to gather up some brownies Lady Smash had baked, and then catch up on some TV. However, when I got to the Great Room, I found that the TV and the brownies had already been claimed by GMZ.

As I approached, I noticed something off. He stared at the TV, his expression blank, and he was barely holding onto the half-eaten brownie in his hand. I watched him for a few seconds, expecting him to snap out of it. He did not.

“Hey, GMZ,” I called to him.

I got no response. I repeated myself, but still didn’t even get a murmur from him.

“LISTEN UP, YOU LOUSY SACK OF DISGARDED LLAMA PLACENTA!” I yelled.

When he didn’t answer to that, I marched towards him, grumbling, and nudged the side of his head. He toppled over, but he snapped out of it.

He jumped back to his feet, his face scrunched up and red with anger, and screamed, “WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU DO THAT ALL I WAS DOING WAS WATCHING TV WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM?!?!”

“Whoa,” I cried as I dodged his swinging fist, “Calm down. I was just trying to get your attention.”

“CALM DOWN?! NO I WON’T CALM DOWN!!” He took another couple swings at me, which I batted off. He then yelled in my face, “YOU ATTACK ME AND THEN SAY I NEED TO CALM DOWN.”

“What the bloody hell is going on here?” Derren asked as he and Criss rushed into the room. Raul came running into the room from the lab, holding a mop in one hand and a scalpel in the other.

GMZ cried, “I was just watching TV when this psychopath attacked me!”

“I nudged you!” I retorted, “And I only did that because you weren’t answering me!”

“Both of you, calm down,” Derren commanded. He then looked to GMZ and said, “Tell me what happened.”

Damien, Nut’n Fancy, and Everett entered the Great room just as GMZ started his story. GMZ told Derren how he was sitting quietly watching TV and eating a brownie, when I, in a jealous rage, stormed into the Great Room and began beating him over the head. Derren nodded and asked me to tell my side of the story. I explained to him what really happened, and while I did, Derren didn’t take his eyes of me.

Once I was finished telling my side of the story, Derren stood quietly for a couple of long seconds, and announced, “I think they’re both telling the truth.”

“What?!” GMZ roared.

Derren clarified, “I don’t think Minigan actually attacked you, GMZ. None of his body language is coming off as if he’s lying. But I think that you believe that he attacked you, because other than you being livid right now, your body language is saying the same thing.”

“No!” GMZ cried, “He did attack me. He’s just jealous of my relationship with her!”

“With whom?” Derren asked.

“With her!” GMZ shouted as he pointed at the TV screen. The six other men rushed around the couch to get a good look at whom GMZ was pointing.

I looked down to see a towering, vaguely humanoid creature stomping around in the yard. Judging by its surroundings, I figured the beast had to be at least ten feet tall. I could only assume it was a woman by its hair and clothing.

“That mountain giant?” I asked.

“No, not Khloé,” GMZ snapped at me, “Her.”

khloe Kardashian

AAahhh!

 

 

What came onto screen next made me gasp. An ass- but not just any ass- a perfect ass. It was big but toned, round but perky. It was like someone had stuck two balloons under a skimpy red dress. I could not look away. Even the rest of the body attached to the beautiful ass was amazing, but my focus kept getting pulled back to that butt. It was like it was speaking directly to me. And then, it did.

“Minigan, baby,” The ass cooed at me, its rich, smooth chocolaty voice making love to my eardrums, “Just sit down and look at me. I’ll take care of everything you need.”

I believed this ass. I believed it would take care of me. In only that brief amount of time since I had met it, I had never felt anything as strong as the love I felt for it. Even after those few short moments together, it had become more than just my world, it became the whole reason I exist. The answers to all of life’s greatest mysteries were nestled between those firm, cushiony butt cheeks, and I was sure it wanted to confide in me, so I obeyed it.

“I will do anything to make you happy” I heard my self say. I think I heard other people say it too, but they didn’t matter. They were so far away, and their voices were so small, that I knew that they weren’t talking to the stunning ass I had said it too. In fact, not a single thing those voices mattered. The only thing that was important to me anymore was keeping that ass happy.

The Ass replied in it’s deep, seductive voice, “Good. Now, what I want you to do is to send me all the money you have. I need it to make myself look good for you. You’re so handsome and muscular. I want to be the best that I can be for you.”

“What’s going on here?” I heard a faint woman’s voice say. I didn’t answer.

“Hey, guys, what’s wrong?” Another woman, this one just as uninteresting as the first, asked.

“Baby,” The Ass warned, “Two jealous she-devils are trying to keep us apart. They are here now. You must stop them, even if it means killing them. Do it, for uh-“

The world went black, and suddenly, I was thrown into a cruel, hideous world where the Ass was no longer present. In front of me were the two she-devils I was warned about: Lady Smash and Phlegm. The Betrayers! I thought, I bring them onto my team, and they take the love of my life away from me?!

I and several of the men around me screamed at them both. I was in such a mindless rage, that I cannot remember what I, or the rest of them, said, but I do remember screaming to the point where drool was running out of the side of my mouth. Looks of fear were carved onto Lady Smash and Phlegm’s faces, which only made us angrier. I lunged at Lady Smash, who dodged me, threw me to the ground, and drove her boney knee into my spine.

“What the hell is wrong with you?!” She yelled, the anger in her voice barely covering up the fear.

“You took The Ass away from me!” I managed to sputter out with what little air my lungs were getting.

“What?!” She, Phlegm, Criss and Derren cried.

I was starting to get a better sense of my surroundings. At the edge of my peripheral vision, I could see forms floating somewhere above Lady Smash’s head. They were the bodies of Damien and Nut’n Fancy.

“What the hell is Minigan Talking about Derren?” Phlegm asked.

“I don’t know. We were just watching ‘Keeping Up With The Kardashians’ when they all went into some bizarre trance.”

Lady Smash grunted and replied, “Why were you watching that garbage anyway?”

“GMZ said that he was in love with someone on there, and he was trying to show us who,” Criss answered.

“Lady Smash,” I gasped, as I squirmed under her knee, “Could you ease up a little bit? I’m sorry I tried to attack you. I’m better now.”

She warned me, “If you try to attack any of us, I’m going to tase the figurative and literal shit out of you.”

“I promise I won’t,” I said with sincerity.

She released her knee from my spine, and immediately I scurried on my hands and knees to the TV and turned it back on. After an entire lifetime crammed into a single second, The Ass returned to me.

“Minigan, baby,” it cooed seductively, “I missed you.”

 

The voice wafted out of The Ass and into my ears, assuring me that it would take care of me, and I was lost to it again.

Kim Kardashian 1-censored

I tried to reach for it, just to touch it and let it know that I was real and there for it, but it vanished and I felt a wave of burning pain crash through my muscles. I tried to scream, but my jaw, vocal chords, lungs, and brain stopped working. My arms and legs twitched as the Great room came back into view. Lady Smash, Phlegm, Derren, and Criss were standing over me, and a pair of wires lead from somewhere in my chest to Lady Smash’s Taser. Then, everything went black.

“Kim Kardashian is Gross” Says Entertainment Weekly

I got the latest issue of Entertainment Weekly today and saw this on the cover:

In their next issue, they speculate on how much of a drunk mess Lindsay Lohan is.

Why is it that EW is the only publication actually asking this question? She’s famous for a sex tape, she was married for like a week to Kris Humphries (Whom, I’m told is a basketball player of sorts, but no one cares about that. Let’s just get back to the juicy gossip part!), and I’m still pretty sure one of her sisters is part troll.

God, can you keep food out of your mouth for one second, you hideous beast?

So, for some slut who was troll blood in her, you’d think that she would be demonized by the media, but no. Kim is as famous as ever. But EW (their acronym is appropriately the sound you should make when you see a Kardashian) finally came through for the public and wrote an article on how gross Kim really is. I haven’t read it yet. But I can only hope that they reveal that Kim’s vagina is filled with sharp teeth, that her ass is a dick magnet that attracts men to their doom, or that she is in fact Armenian.

I would also like to point out how they worded the blurb on the cover: “Plus, How gross is Kim Kardashian?” It’s like they’re saying, “For real, on a scale of 1 to Ke$ha, how gross is she?” My guess is around 7-8, which is less that “2 girls, 1 cup” but higher than “mutilating the corpse of a rotting skunk with your bare hands.”

Anyway, that’s all I have to say about that. Happy Guy Fawkes day.

Awesomesquad Assemble 2: Rise of the K-Oh, Damn That’s A Fine Ass!

Can a honky get a motherfuckin WOOT?!

honky

As you can tell by my previous exclamation, I am rather excited. I got my second tattoo this weekend and it turned out better than expected. I also got to spend time with my PA friends, which only happens once every couple of planetary revolutions. Basically, it was a party. Other than two of my friends missing (including my one best friend) all of my closest friends came together almost coincidentally to the house of a kid I’ve never talked to before. A couple of my friends were going, and they invited me along.

It was at said party that I realized how not fun I am. There was a beer pong tournament going. I did not play because I had to drive myself home, and I am responsible like that. Instead, I sat near the table and watched. After a while I began to think of how disgusting that game is. The ping pong balls were on the floor more often than in the cups, and at one point, a ball landed in a shoe. To “clean it off” you dip the ball into a cup of water that one has dunked the ball into countless times before.  As I watched, all I could think about was whether or not the players washed their hands. Worse yet, I thought all of this and still wanted to play.

my friends are partiers

my friends are partiers

Ok, enough about me and how I suck at life, but still miraculously still have friends, and onto what you really wanted to read: Updates from my last blog!

I’ve added three new members, and two of them are women. Goodbye sausage fest-Hello coed mixer!

The first is Ashley Caggiano and she is my Jane of all trades. Her mastery in Tai kwon do will make the group hard to beat when we combine it with the kickboxing skills of my brother and/or the gym owner. Also, (and this is going to sound sexist) she can cook and clean. If you are offended by that reason, continue reading before you write me angry comments. I say that she can cook and clean because I’ve seen her do both. I work with her, and she is pretty much the only person that cleans the Writer’s Studio. I’m not saying that she would be the maid; I’m saying that she would teach the group to not be slobs. And as for the cooking, she makes awesome cupcakes and baked goods in general. ashleyI know that After a hard day of fighting bad guys, and  possibly losing the big baddie that we were trying to capture, it would sure lift everyone’s spirits if someone quickly whipped up a batch of fudge brownies. She also gave me a bunch of good reasons in her comment on my last blog post. This brings me to the most important reason that I am hiring her to my team: Her balls. Not only did she have the tenacity to ask to join, but she also gave many good reasons of why she should be allowed in. I need that kind of incentive and determination on my team. To anyone else who wants to join, sorry but posting a comment to persuade me to join only works once.

The Second person is someone that Miss Caggiano suggested. I looked into his credentials, and I have decided that GMZ should definitely be my hacker. It takes a maverick renegade like GMZ to turn the world on its head. I am confident that he could hack into the Dutch Mafia’s computer system and  get the information on the choco-cannibi smuggling plans, and the schematics to the bomb that will blow up the Hershey factory.

The third addition to my group of crime fighters is my friend Emily Kohlberg, who will be the team psychologist. This position does effectively destroy one of Ashley’s arguments, but its worth it. Not only will Emily keep the peace, and the mental health of the team at a healthy “sane,” she can also question the people we capture alive with Derren. While Derren uses mind manipulation his own way, Emily can use the Hannibal Lector method (IE digging into the painful memories of our detainees past to extract information.) Granted, she may not be 100% suitable for hand to hand combat. I’m not saying she’s fat; I’m saying that we don’t want our resident psychologist to be killing people. She could totally kick some ass if she wanted though.

I also have an update on the debate you have anxiously forgotten all about: who will be the boxing instructor? On Friday as I was drinking with my brother, I spoke of the blog post and the debate, and he informed me that he was certified as a boxing coach a week or so ago. I also told him of the gym owner being able to punch a man in the stomach hard enough to make the man throw up, and he said that he will learn to do that. This puts my brother ahead in this competition I didn’t even know I was going to have. If the owner of my gym wants to be in my group he’s gonna need to step it up a notch.

And finally, our second villain is Kim Kardashian’s evil twin Kim Kardassian. Kim KardassianShe is a formidable opponent because her hypnotic ass can cause a zombie like state or even fighting between the males in the group. She could even be able to hypnotize the ladies, but it will be more difficult. It will be up to the women to save the (currently unnamed squad) from the evil clutches of a perfect badonkadonk.

Peace of shit

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