Newark Campus Legends: My Maybe Lesbian Professor

WordPress! I missed you! I assume you didn’t miss me because of the combination of the facts that you are a metaphysical inanimate object and I am an asshole.

Yep, that about sums me up.And my readers! If you are reading this, you probably forgot all about me. I’m sorry it has been so long. NaNoWriMo and school have been kicking my ass. Oh, and as for NaNo, I failed. Miserably. I was pissed off at myself for not finishing, but oh well. NEXT YEAR!

Any way I did complete some type of writing thingy this past month. Currently I am writing another blog that I hope to have finished next week. If you love Cracked.com articles, you are going to be disappointed when you realize that the upcoming blog is a cheap bastardization of their patented listing techniques. Also I wrote a poem called Sensing My Apocalypse. It is probably one of the best poems I have ever written. I even have it laminated at the Writer’s Studio! I am planning on submitting it to Taproot this year, but I will let you guys read it too. Here it is.

Sensing my Apocalypse

Have you ever heard a dead man’s voice?

That changed words’ meanings, killed your choice

Have you ever looked into a dead man’s eyes?

Old cold tombs, sealing past lies

Have you ever stared at a dead man’s face?

Once preaching the superiority of his own race

Have you ever held a dead man’s hand?

Which brought drought and plagues to this land

Have you been cradled by a dead man’s arms?

Who falsely promised no future harm

Have you felt the beat of a dead man’s heart?

Who tricked, and ripped, and stole other’s art

Have you ever smelled a dead man’s breath?

Rotted teeth tell tales of meth

Have you ever tasted a dead man’s lips?

His twisted smile, sensing my apocalypse

 

For I have heard his whisper and seen his silhouette

He left his mark that I shall never forget

For I have felt his touch and smelled his stink

Putrid revelations make me fear to think

For I have tasted his hair and licked his skin

For I am dead too, I am man, I am sin

 

Wasn't that poem upbeat kids!

I would like to point out that this poem is mine. I wrote it, and if I find out any of you stole it, I will castrate you (ladies, I will do the female form of a circumcision on you.)

Well on that bright note, on to the blog.

In October I spun a yarn about a legend on the Campus of OSUN. Mr. Sturger vs Ms. Slope. Well I have another. This one happened my Freshman year of College. I was so naive back then [reminiscing while the song “Good Riddance(Time of Your Life)” plays] that was back when I didn’t think any of my friends would betray me, but this is not about that. No, no. This is about my maybe Lesbian Professor. I had written these down in facebook notes. I will put them together for you, my readers. And I will keep them they way that I had written them (sans grammatical errors). The entries  span most of my first quarter in college, so  not only was my writing not developed as well as it is today, my jokes are probably corny and most likely for shock laughs. I apologize in advance for that.

Well without further ado, Newark Campus Legends: My Maybe Lesbian Professor.

My Maybe Lesbian Teacher [Part 1]

Friday, September 29, 2006 at 4:11pm

On Tuesdays and Thursdays, Vanessa Landolfo, Dana Dehays, and I have a class (im not saying which one*) at 7:45 in the morning. Our professor is nice but is funny, Ya Know Funny. She as this short bowl hair cut and wears weird clothes. For instance on Thursday the 28th, she walked into the class room wearing a blue Asian shirt. Ya know, the kind of shirts that middle class white boys wear. Also she said that her “Partner” takes a lot of pictures of her cat. She also said that she was getting divorced and that it shocked her. Now she maybe married to a man, or maybe a woman. But I have a theory, she either thinks of her partner as her spouse, or they went to a state where gay marriage is legal. Now these arguments do not automatically mean she is a lesbian, but Dehays and I will keep you posted.

* I just want to point out that I am a recovering retard and that I did mention what class it was. So hooray Freshman me and my stupidity!

My Maybe Lesbian Teacher- Part 2

Saturday, October 14, 2006 at 11:15pm

For every one who wants to know if my teacher is a lesbian or not, I’ve got news for you! our teacher is… actually we do not know. But Dehays was talking about it to a girl named Abbey Scherer in our English class. Abbey Scherer is actually in the sociology class after us. One day our teacher was late to their class, and everyone was talking when one person said, “Hey do you think our professor is a lesbian?” This question of a professor’s sexual preferance sparked chatter about the classroom. The entire class decided that one day they would ask her. One day (in the other class), at the end of class our professor asked, “Are there any questions?” One kid stood up and asked the class, “Should I ask her?” the class said no. So just like I did last time I left you with no answers, sorry, but eventually we will answer this question that has plagued Sociology classes since at least this quarter. One day, one day…

My Maybe Lesbian Teacher- Part 3

Saturday, October 21, 2006 at 10:43pm

Well everybody it comes to this number 3 out of ? part series about the age old question: Is my teacher a lesbian, or is she just very odd? Well I have got news for you…No, we did not find out whether or not she likes to munch rug, but we have two more things that will confuse and probably annoy you. My friend, Abbey Scherer has given me some interesting information about her class on Thursday. Apparently, in her class, our teacher told them that she had a boyfriend in college. Abbey also told me that the professor said that she also read a book about homosexual relationships. Now I gave you two new pieces of information, but still no answers. I will leave everybody deciding at least one more time, and the notes will continue.

My Maybe Lesbian Teacher- Part 4

Tuesday, November 14, 2006 at 12:05am

Everybody, I have news for you!!!!!
My teacher is a Lesbian…No not the one Dana Dehays, Abbey Sherer, and I were wondering about. No, but another Professor. Last week she made a comment about being a lesbian, I just thought it was a joke, but Dana and Abbey asked her and she said that she was. Today she mentioned her partner and Nichole Susi and I decided that she most likely was. The odd thing about this is that she doesn’t fit into the lesbian stereotype, she is attractive. Anyway sorry that I do not know if our professor that I have been describing is or not but I will let you know.

My Maybe Lesbian Teacher- Part 5

Wednesday, December 6, 2006 at 12:39am

After ten fucking weeks of wondering, you, me, and the rest of the world will finally know the answer of the question: Does my teacher like the ladies or the fellas? The answer is… she is in fact a dyke. I will let you soak in the answer for a few seconds, because I know this must be earth shattering for you. ……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………… Dehays has recently found a book that my teacher had written named, “We’re Here! We’re Queer! Get Used to Us!” Not only that, whenever we would do activities about discrimination she would use discrimination of homosexuals before discrimination of women or blacks.
So I hope everyone who has enjoyed these notes of mine will continue to read about my wacky adventures. And I thank you for being so patient. I would also like to thank Dana Dehays, Abbey Scherer, Vanessa Landolfo, and Nichole Susi for allowing me to mention them in my notes, and both

my teachers for letting me write about them.*

*I did have a picture to go along with the conclusion, but people smarter

than I suggested I take it down in case the professor ever read this. In lue of that, I will give you this artist’s rendition instead.

Peace

Oh, and looking back over those entries, I think it was kind of obvious that she was a lesbian. This blog post will be a testament to how naive I was back then.

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Newark Campus Legends:Mr. Sturger vs. Mrs. Slope

Everyone, I hope all of you are all as excited as I am. Chances are that you are not so excited that you shaving your genitals and rubbing tapioca pudding all over your shirtless torso as I am doing now (yes, while I am typing. I’m just that talented.) Well, you should be. This is not only my first blog in almost two weeks, it is also the first blog that I have written since classes started back up last Wednesday.  And oh, are they fifteen credit hours of pure joy.  The classes I am taking are Engilsh ***-Critical ******* for ******* Majors ( you’ll see why that is censored in a minute), Spanish 104 aka Why does an English Major need to take this?, and Geology- which is more commonly called “Rocks” by those who don’t give a damn about Geology (everyone.)

Look at how pretty this rare stone is. It's a shame i don't care.

Look at how pretty this rare stone is. It's a shame i don't care.

Something interesting about my Spanish class – the building that the class is in (Hagerty Hall to those of you who know main campus Ohio State) is apparently haunted by a phantom. The only proof I have of this is a creepy organ playing during the class time. Seriously, who plays the organ at 6:30 on a Thursday? No, who plays the organ ever? Even churches are migrating to acoustic guitars and drum sets.  That phantom seriously needs to get with the times. That is the only proof I have so far, but I will keep you posted.

In other Me news, I got another major part of my Halloween costume last week. This costume is proving to be the most elaborate and expensive ever. I will be so pissed if it is not as good as my Garth Algar costume from last Halloween. That one was my best so far, and I am determined to beat that. I am hoping that it will be better than my best four costume ideas combined. Which would look something like Garth dressed as a convict Moses who was about to be put to death via the electric chair, when he got ran over by a car. I am not going to tell you what the costume is going to be, but I can assure you it is going to be a doozy.

So at work on Saturday I found out I have a nice ass. Let me explain. On Saturdays during the college football season, employees at the grocery store that I work at are allowed to wear OSU shirts. Saturday I was wearing my long sleeve shirt under my apron, and my one coworker commented that we hadn’t seen each other for a while, and that my shoulders have become broader since the last time we worked together. My coworker then said, “I hope you’re not offended by this, but I’ve noticed that you have a really nice ass.”

NiceAssI laughed, but laughter is usually my default action when I feel awkward. I guess it was a little strange to me when it came from George. However, that did explain why he gave me those anal beads and the Gatorade with a roofie in it earlier in the day, but no matter…

To be honest, the situation did happen, but a woman said it, not a man. Oh, and there was no anal beads or spiked Gatorade that I remember, but the day was a bit of a blur.

While we are on the subject of women flirting with me at places of my employment, I got hit on by a 50ish year old woman at the Writer’s Studio on Monday. She said she wasn’t, but I knew that was bullshit. I forget how the conversation started, but it ended with her commenting on my eyes (apparently they are beautiful.) Before I was able to thank her, she stated that she was not flirting with me. Me thinks the lady doth deny too much. I am starting to suspect that I may not have a personality. Basically, I am basing this on the theory that the better looking someone is, the less of a personality they have. But then again, ugly people probably made that rule up to feel better about themselves.

Anyway, on to the blog…

Every county, state, city, town, major university, and cavernous vagina has some kind of legend. OSU-Newark (Nerk or OSUN as I will be referring to it for now on) is no different. Infact, there are many legends that swirl around the Newark campus like a turd in a toilet like:

  1. The ghost that haunts the men’s locker room in Adena
  2. The human hand that is hidden somewhere James Stjohn’s room.
  3. The laying girl statue (Suzy Creamcheese as I have named her) mysteriously appeared on campus after a brutal murder of a girl occurred in that same spot in 1976
  4. Pornstar legend John Holmes graduated from there in 2008, surprisingly 20 years after he died. Making him the first zombie to ever receive a Bachelor’s Degree.
  5. The “circle of friends” statues come alive at night and kill any late-night jogger
No, this is not a convicted rapist; this is John Holmes. But there still sin't much of a difference.

No, this is not a convicted rapist; this is John Holmes. But there still sin't much of a difference.

There are dozens more that I just made up, but I would like to tell you about one that came upon me surprisingly, and deals with people I actually know. Now to protect their identities, I will not use their real names, but I will hastily make up names so that no one (other than the readers who know who I am talking about-which is just about everyone) knows who I am talking about. This is more to prevent some major shit to go down in my class. It would be interesting, and make for one hell of a good blog, but unnecessary drama that I feel is, umm… unnecessary.

My class mate and “friend,” Burger hates our English professor, Caroline. hamburger1And to my knowledge, she hates him back. Now, it could be that he just says that she hates him, but there could be some animosity that I am not seeing. Anyway, months before the class started (yea, MONTHS) he was already talking shit on her and how he dreaded the class. He said that he was going to have to work twice as hard in that class to get a half way decent grade.

Here is my theory of why they don’t get along: Caroline hates men, and Burger is a chauvinist. I’m just throwing it out there. You should hear some of the things he says sometimes

Anyhoo, so when class started last week, I was expecting him to say very little base on the simple fact that he hates her, but to my surprise Burger is talking the most out of the entire class except for that one annoying bitch. There is always one of those in every class. Anyway, Burger will just spout out whatever he is thinking whether it is right or wrong or a fully developed thought, or just a mind fetus that was miscarried. What’s even stranger is that at one point, Caroline said that she was born in Mississippi, to which Burger replied, “Really, Mississippi? Hmm…” He said it with a genuine interest that I do not believe was faked. At this moment of their personal connection (all be it brief connection) everything I know was turned on my head. Swirls of color and and blurred shapes exploded all around me as loud indistinguishable noises stabbed my eardrums. It was like watching a Michael Bay movie, if a Michael bay movie made sense.

Now you may be wondering “Minigan, why are you considering this a legend?” or “are you really this bored to make this crap up?” or even “why are you wearing that thong?” and my answer to these 3 questions is “Because it feels good.” And for the first question, I am not the only one who knows about it.

Earlier this week another one of my classmates pointed out what I was noticing myself. She even knew that they hated each other. I was amazed that I wasn’t the only one who knew, and we both laughed about it, sitting on our respective towers watching the actors play out the melodramatic, yet overly dramatic soap opera. In next Friday’s class we will find out who is the father of Alisha’s baby. And then we will critique the scene using historical criticism.

One person makes a situation like this a blog post, two people make this situation a conspiracy, three or more people make the situation a legend. Wednesday, as I was headed into work at the WS, I saw one of my old classmates from Spanish 102. I told him that I was in the English class that I am in. he then explained to me how there is this kid he knows that is in that class. He told me that this kid hates Caroline and that he has been talking shit on her about for the past year.

To which I replied, “wait, who is taking a shit on who, why do you know this, and why are you telling me?”

After several minutes of confusion, retelling of the information, and an explanation between the difference between talking shit on someone and taking a shit on someone (one that involved the most disturbing PowerPoint presentation ever) I realized that he was talking about Burger. We laughed about it, and I shared the information I had. Soon after, I headed into work, while my friend went home to probably make more German schiza slideshows.chocolate

Basically, this is giving me something to do for this class time for the rest of the quarter. Ya know other than learning Englishy things and stuff. And it gives me a good opportunity to people watch two people who hate each other and how they act in a group. This is my little social experiment. Yea, I’m not a diabolical douchebag at all.

Well, it has taken me a week, several blog topics (one of them being none) and a lot of my self esteem, but I finally finished this blog.

Enjoy bitches- I guess I should have put that at the beginning. Oh well.

Oh, and I feel that at many points in this blog I used pictures that would have been better if they were of  women in  bikinis, so here is one. You’re welcome.

fat_woman_in_bikinisPeace

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