Lenten Facebook Challenge: The Home Stretch

Well, I am 6 1/2 hours away from being able to get onto facebook. This would be awesome, but I work third shift now, so I cant enjoy this until tomorrow morning. But I think we can all agree that I no longer have to write about this stupid subject that I ran out of good things to say avter the first video. Oh well, life’s a bitch. While I wallow in that fact, enjoy this video:

Here is the url to the shirt:

http://www.thinkgeek.com

Oh, and has any one else noticed how each video I upload has higher production value than the last? Both editing and special effects in this one?!?! Damn at this rate, my third one from now should end up on Comedy Central.

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Lenten Facebook Challenge: Day 26

OK, only 2 weeks left! I am beginning to think I will be able to to make it through this despite what those disembodied voices keep whispering in my ear. And because of this accomplishment, I am going to treat you all to an irrationally long, 13 minute video. Get yourself a hard drink, some tissues, and a crucifix, because this is about to get all kinds of offensive, sexy, and sacrilegious up in here.

P.S. Sorry about the length of it (That’s what HE said!), especially since I do not use it well (That’s also what he said!)

(Note: to any of you uptight people watching that that also do not know me, first of all, thank you for watching. Secondly, I am not a killer of babies. That was a joke. Get over yourselves and get a sense of humor, you prudes.)

Lenten Facebook Challenge: Day 21

Before I get started, I would like to note that at the time of writing this post, my blog has had 1,168 views during March.  This is entirely due to the whole “me not being on facebook” thing, so huzzah for me! But like every good thing, there is a downside. In this case the downside is that I don’t remember anyone of whom I was friends with from before 2 days ago. I see a ton of names in my phone, but other than the few people that I have seen within the past couple of days, I have no clue who these names belong to. So, if your name is “David Mears,” “Jerry Harper,” or if I have ever called you “Bahannah,” “Trux,” “Rondizzle,” or “Trashley,” could you please leave a comment on this blog explaining who you are, how I know you, and how you are doing (If you are a friend of mine, I can only assume that you are just as self-centered as I) it would be greatly appreciated.

Ok, moving on. As I said in a recent post, I have been spending oodles of noodles of time on Stumbleupon.com, more commonly known as the internet productivity blackhole. Since I have been off of facebook, the webpages that I like has gone from around 70 to 149. That’s right. Over 70 liked pages. That is both intense and sad, but also good for all of you, my mystery readers (most of whom I do not know who you are and why you think my words are important), because I am going to share the best ones with you. Here they are, enjoy:

While I stumbled, I listened to this: http://www.rainymood.com/

#149: www.gameboyonline.com

I spent a good 4 hours playing Pokemon on this damn website. I don’t even know why I did, I never played it when I was younger, and I was a little curious. Don’t judge me.

#147: www.livenirvana.com/pics/9309unk/images/vma_60.jpg

I like this one because it was the first image in a long time that made me want to make a motivational poster. Here it is below:

#142: images.dailydawdle.com/crying-onion.jpg

I have nothing to say that will add to this.

#139: www.polyvore.com/bro_tips/collection%3Fid%3D838819

I wanted to share a lot of these with my bros, but then I realized I didn’t know who my bros were anymore, so I’m just going to post it here and hope they see them.

#130: survivingtheworld.net/Lesson58.html

The guy from Survivng the World is a common face for me, and therefore, one of my only friends.  He dispenses wisdom in the only form that I understand: humor.

#127: www.inbflat.net

This took so much of my time simply due to all of the different combination of sounds you can make. It is really beautiful in a really weird way.

#116: www.funnyordie.com/videos/bfb12aea47/charlie-sheen-s-winning-recipes

This. Video. Is. Awesome. More and more, I’m realizing that Sheen’s meltdown was really one big publicity stunt that we all fell for. I mean, no one is that insane and entertaining without being in a mental institution or on an episode of Maury. In any case, all green things must die.

#105: www.inudge.net/index.en.html

Hey, you like music? Well fuck. Try this website out anyway; it’s pretty awesome, and also a hardcore music maker.

#101: www.nerdblerp.com/story/2011-02-02-7-grimm-fairy-tales-that-would-make-great-movies

I recently read that there are 3 new adaptations of “Snow White” coming out within the next 2 years, which proves that Hollywood is really goddamn lazy. Here Hollywood, someone did your research for you. Make these movies.

#97: www.toplessrobot.com/2009/07/the_10_creepiest_are_you_afraid_of_the_dark_episod.php

This is the article I wrote about a couple of posts ago, so I’m not going to explain it any further.

#92: www.viceland.com/blogs/en/2010/02/09/the-science-of-the-creation-museum

Now, I am already a fan of Vice Magazine, so I already liked the site. But it still seems fitting that stumbleupon takes me there occasionally. And even though I read this article a while ago, I still liked it because the first image they show is of Eve copping a feel of Adam. Stay classy Vice Magazine!

#89: www.andrewbosley.com/the-brainstormer.html

I loved this because it is a really effective way of getting an idea for a story that in no way, shape, or form is not a comedy. For instance, when I just clicked on the button, I got “Prey to Misfortune, Wartorn, Dwarf.” Comedy gold!!!

#80: www.soundcloud.com/tracks/search%3Fq%3DDon%2527t%2520Worry%2C%2520I%2527m%2520Yours%2520%28Jason%2520Mraz%2520vs.%2520Bobby%2520McFerrin%2520vs.%2520Israel%2520Kamakawiwo%2527ole%2

This is such a feel good song, in that they take 3 feel good songs and put them ass to mouth, like what you would expect if Human Centipede was an upbeat musical. This song also introduced me to Jason Mraz’s song “I’m Yours” which I now love.

 

Ok, the rest of my likes are ones that I would find useful for my random interests, or a lot like others that I found. I hope you waited to look at them all until now. No, that wasn’t a rule, I just thought you would be polite enough to wait until the end. You didn’t? Well, you’re a dick.

OK, I don’t have anything else left to say for this post, so I’m going to end it here. I’m going to go stumbeupon…

STUMBLE!!!!

P.S. I only have 19 days left until I can get back on Facebook. Hooray!

STUMBLE!!!

Lenten Facebook Challenge: Days 13-16

I woke up Monday morning (feeling like P Diddy… sorry about that) and realized that it was actually Thursday evening. I then noticed that my head had a huge lump, I was wearing lipstick, and that by butthole hurt. I decided to let myself believe that I was picked up by an incredibly attractive and equally freaky woman, and spent the next three and a half days  drinking and sexing it up before falling down where I broke my ass and hit my head. That joke was funny on account of the concussion. Anyway, I then realized that I was not at my house. Upon further investigation, I deduced that I was actually in the trunk of a car and not in my bed. Naturally, I was confused, but after a few minutes of kicking with my energy legs, I was able to awesome my way out of it. I would make Charlie Sheen proud. Anyway, as it turns out, I was just in an abandoned parking lot across town, so I was able to call up my mom and get her to pick me up and take me back home. She didn’t even realize I was gone. It’s good to know that she cares.

Well, after that whole ordeal, I found the video that is below. I think it might just answer some questions about why almost 4 days of my life are gone with me having no recollection any of the events that transpired. But I’m still not sure how the beautiful woman factors into all of this. While I try and figure it out, you can watch the video. Enjoy.

On the bright side of all of this, since I do not remember the last four days, that means being off of Facebook was super-easy. I like that trade off.

And here are some pictures of the damage done to my room. Some of the pictures are pretty interesting.

I don't really have good captions for these.

I feel that they speak for themselves.

Stop reading these captions and just look at the damn pictures.

Why aren't you listening to me?

Bart Simpson right next to Facebook Jesus?

And I'm spent.

Peace

Lenten Facebook Challenge: Day 9

 

Hello Everybody! I’ve missed you! Here, pull up a chair, and I will tell you all about my first week without Facebook. For those of you who aren’t going through this with me (which should be all of you), go fuck yourself. Fuck you. You think you know me? Bitch, I will straight jump through the fucking internet and strangle you with Google’s search algorithm. Don’t fucking test me; I am Minigan Blackwood: Internet Lord. YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY?! TWUNT, YOU ARE FUCKING NOTHING TO FUCKING ME. I WILL FUCKING FUCKING KICK BALLS TITTY SLAP SHIT COUGAR DOUCHE COCK HELL ADHKJDELSD KDMEKFDKDFK AKJD FEIAS TLKDMEM ASLKJ AIFJADKJF KDIEAGHKE COX SEIG AOIEADNMD DOID DFA………………………….

I'm sorry, the writer whose words you were reading, Minigan, just had a mental episode. Please make a note of it.

 

Sorry about that. My “Darkside” took over for a moment. Anyway, what I was going to say was that this is actually much more difficult than what I previously expected. I didn’t  actually think of the social ramifications that would come about from me not having a facebook. I have no clue as to what’s going on in any of my friends lives right now. If I want to know, then I have to ask them, and I don’t want that, because they will take it as an invitation to vomit out every little bad thing that has happened since the last time I talked to them. For instance, I found out today that one of my coworkers broke up with her boyfriend. This actually wouldn’t be news to me at all, if it wasn’t for the fact that everyone else knew about it but me. I know that I am not important enough to be kept in the loop for every detail of everyone’s lives, but c’mon people, at least clue me in on the important stuff.

But despite that, I think the worst part of not being on facebook is that it did not lower my time that I waste online. That was my main expectation: that since I was not wasting my time on facebook, I could do other activities like watch movies, read books, go outside, and be a member of a real society again, but this didn’t happen. The only thing that happened is that I took all the time that I was wasting on facebook, and dispersed it on many less worthy websites. The things I have been wasting my time with have also become increasingly weirder as well. I seriously spent two day watching old episodes of “Are You Afraid of the Dark” on Youtube (fun fact: when you watch the show now, you can tell that it is very Canadian).  And to be honest, for a kid show, they are actually pretty intense, in particular the episode below, “The tale of Dead Man’s Float.”

I remember this episode better than I remember many of the others specifically for the ghost in it. Before I watched it again I did not have a clear image in my mind of what it looked like, so when I got to the part when it rises out of the water for the first time, I said, partially in shock, “That ghost is horrifying.”

Sweet Merciful Fuck! This is from a kid's show!?!?

The episode itself isn’t all that dramatic, but the story is only about 20 minutes long, so that can be forgiven, especially after seeing that ghost. I may not have screamed when I saw it, but the fact that I actually said out load that something is terrifying is usually a pretty good sign that it is scary as shit. Seriously, look at that picture. Picture yourself standing at the edge of a pool when that thing comes out. If you do not see yourself emptying your bowels into your pants, then you are either stupidly cocky, or you have balls the size of aircraft carriers.

Anyway, another thing that has been stealing time away from me was this game. It is called Douchebag Workout, and in it, you basically lift weights and try to get your character to go from weakling to muscular douchebag. It kind of pissed me off because it makes it seem like the key ingredient to douchebag behavior is a muscular physique. And to stick up for my gym rat brethren (not myself- I have already proven that I am a douchebag), I would like to point out that most of the are good guys that do not have an over inflated sense of self-worth. But with all that aside, the fun thing about this game is that you can take illegal substances in the game like steroids and some radioactive Russian hormone booster. These are things that I would never try on myself, but If I am using it on a virtual person, why the hell not?  It is also pretty awesome to see results after only three reps, but hey, I’m not a personal trainer, maybe that is how it actually works and I’ve been wrong this entire time. Or, you know, it could be the steroids. Anywhoo, I beat the game in one day, and once I was done, I realized that I just wasted all that time doing something to a virtual person, only for me to turn around and go to the gym later that day. I might be obsessed with working out.

Despite both of those time wasters, Stumbleupon has been by far the most time consuming. I am not going to explain what Stumbleupon is, because you have already read its name, and your curiosity will draw you there either way. But, if you are so foolish to go looking for it, there is no saving you. You will be lost forever in the dense ocean that is the internet. You will be forever trapped in a limbo of websites. Some good, some bad, but each one beconing you to click that button again and see what’s next. It is internet crack. But it’s free, so you don’t need to suck anyone’s dick for it, so it does have that going for it.

I guess what this all comes down to is this: yes, facebook is a major time waster. Yes,  most of the shit that is posted on it is retarded, and is better left in the person’s head. Yes, people take it too seriously. But at least it is actually a form of social interaction. That’s right, I said it. It is a form of social interaction. You show your friends pictures, videos, random websites, tell them jokes, talk to them, let them know general information about you, of course that is social interaction. It is just through a new medium. And that is what is lacking from everything else that I have been doing online: that interaction. Despite the fact that I am looking at the same thing as a million other people, I am still completely isolated from them because of this whole Jesus thing. It’s kind of depressing when you stop to think about it. To counteract that, here is a picture of a puppy:

Well, that is all that I have to say about that.

Peaces and cream

 

The Lenten Facebook Challenge: Day 4

I’m not writin’ shit today. Watch this instead. By the way, since WordPress is a dick, I had to create a youtube account so that I could post it. Seriously, fuck you WordPress.

 

Blam.

Life off of Facebook: The Beginning

Hello World, and more importantly, hello Facebook friends. If you are one of my Facebook friends, then I am assuming you have been wondering why I only posted a blog and updated my status yesterday. If you noticed my lack of activity, then you Facebook stalk me and I am probably going to get a restraining order against you. Anyway, after I updated my status, I decided to give up Facebook for Lent. For those of you who do not know, I am Catholic (no need to apologize; it’s not your fault) and during the Lenten season, Catholics are supposed to give up something they enjoy for 40 days. This is supposed to represent the sacrifice that Jesus made by dying for our sins, because, as you can obviously tell, giving up chocolate for a little over a month is exactly the same thing as being sentenced to death, tortured, beaten, dragged through town, and nailed to a cross.  It’s the EXACT same goddamned thing. Another fun fact about Catholics during Lent: we are not allowed to eat the meat of land animals on Fridays, which symbolizes how fucking crazy Catholics really are.

But at least our priests look like pimps

So yes, I decided to be hardcore about it this year and give up facebook for Lent. And I am going to share the experience with you, so that you can learn from my mistakes. Hooray entertaining people at the cost of a lot of virtual social interaction!

The Rules:

  1. No logging into Facebook at all unless it is an emergency (I don’t know what scenario would lead to a Facebook emergency,  I assume it would be when Zuckerberg sends his thugs to forcibly log me in.) When I say at all, I mean that I cannot use a computer, phone, or iPod to get onto Facebook.
  2. I am not allowed to read the e-mail notification that Facebook sends me. I cannot promise not to open the e-mail, because my blackberry opens recently received e-mails when I pull my phone out of its sleeve.
  3. I am not allowed to have anyone post something for me, nor am I allowed to look over someone’s shoulder and read what is on Facebook.  That is like indirect facebooking, and is just as bad. And along the same lines…
  4. If I unintentionally do read what someone has posted via e-mail (it happens), then I am not allowed to respond to it via my blog. Also pertaining to my blog,  I am not to use it as a way to update my status. If I am going to write a blog, it has to be at least 500 words or a two minute video.

But what this means for all of you is that you can write diabolical things on my wall, and I will not be able to do a thing to stop it. You guys could have a blast with that. Be creative! Have fun!

Anyway, in an attempt to keep the readers of my blog (who may or may not be my facebook friends) informed on my journey through the next 40 days of Lent without facebook, I have decided to use my blog as a travel journal of sorts. Buckle up, bitches, the road is about to get all fucking Catholic up in here. Wow, that metaphor didn’t make sense.

 

Day 1

11:00 AM (or sometime around there)

The first thought after deciding to give up facebook was I should update my status so that I let all my friends know. I then noted that my immediate reaction of me giving up facebook was to talk about it on facebook. This is going to be a hard 40 days.

I then found out that a job that I am going in for will mostly deal with social media, you know, like facebook. This is going to be a really fucking hard 40 days.

2:30-3:30 PM

I spend most of this time pacing.  I don’t think that this had much to do with facebook, as it did with the boredom that I was feeling at the time.

5:30

I got home from the gym and really wanted to update my status about me dead lifting 405 lbs, which is a new record for me. I was really pissed that I couldn’t gloat about it, but I moved passed it.

The rest of the night went pretty smoothly. There were minor instances in which I had the urge to update my status or upload a photo. Luckily, 30 Rock, Parks and Recreation, photoshopping an image of myself and my last blog post kept me busy enough to forget all about Facebook for the rest of the night.

Day 2

I cheated a little today; Katie Waldrop was looking at my facebook page, and I asked her to tell me who liked the link to my last blog post. I’m pretty sure that by me committing such an infraction, The Pope is going to personally cut off one of my toes.

Katie Waldrop is a temptress from Hell

Even though I did slip up, right after that I came up with the rules you read above, so now I actually have guidelines I need to follow. The structure should make it easier for me.

The rest of the day wasn’t too bad. I spent my time after work at the gym, taking a shower, ruining waffles, and sleeping. However, I am already starting to forget important numbers from Facebook, like my friend and photo count. But hey, as long as I don’t forget who my friends are, it shouldn’t be so bad, right?

 

Ok, that’s all I have for now. I will be posting throughout the 40 days of Lent, so check back regularly to see where I am in this whole ordeal.

Also, If you clicked on the link from my Facebook page and got here, you are probably wondering how I posted this to my wall. Well, I had previously set up my WordPress account to automatically update my Facebook page whenever I publish a blog post. Since this was implemented long before Lent, I am going to allow it. Suck on that, Yahweh.

Peace

 

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