What Life Would Be Like If I Had Super Powers (Aka Terrifying)- Part 4

Well, folks, the time has come. You have been there with me for that past three videos in which I’ve explained what I would do with the super powers that people from Facebook and Twitter. The first one was epic. The second one was awesome, but not as good as the first. The third was the one where I should have ended. But this one, this one will be the one that totally over does it and completely ruins the franchise. Just as a heads up: this one is by far the longest. But in typical me fashion, it’s the longest because it is chalk full of dick jokes. You’ve been warned.

I’ll write something for next week. Fo Realz.




I am merely writing this so that WordPress believes that I have posted a for realz blog post this month. Suck on that WordPress- You don’t know me!

Anyway, if you were at all upset that I have not posted anything in the past month, I apologize. But, since I think it’s safe to assume that you don’t give a goddamn about my blog, then all I have to say is Fuck you. For for all 2 of you who do give a damn, I have been temporarily out of ideas for blogs as well as spending my time writing novels, therefore this blog has taken a backseat. I WILL, however, have more to come.

But for now


Also, Thundercock says “hello.”

So, I’ve Decided to Rename My Dick (The Thrilling Conclusion!)

After months of reading the two suggestions left by you, the readers, and after careful deliberation, I have decided the new name of my Tallywacker. But before I go into that, Let’s review all of the choices (I am only giving the names this time. For the pros, cons, and reasons, you need to check out this blog post):

1. Pheonix

Name for balls: The Minotaurs

2. President Taft

Name for balls: Richard Ballinger, and Jacob Dickinson

3. Tommy Lee

Name for balls: Motley Crue

AKA walking bag of STDs

4. Fountain of Youth

The Philosopher’s Stones

5. Tommy Gun

Name for balls: Loaded magazine 1 and 2

These Next ones are new; either they were reader submissions, or I made them up on the spot to make this blog longer. Either way, you will be given the pros, cons, and reasons for these.

6. Guy Fawkes

Name for balls: Catholic Bombs

Reasons: He stands for rebellion, and although he was executed by the British after being tried for treason, he is still celebrated by the British.

Pros: he was given his own Holiday- November 5th, Guy Fawkes Day.  He also has a poem written about him:

Remember, remember

The fifth of November

The gunpowder, treason and plot

For I have no reason

Why the gunpowder treason

Should ever be forgot

Also my favorite movie, “V for Vendetta” centers on a man who wears a Guy Fawkes mask.

Cons:  Not many people will get it, and I really don’t want to be put on a terrorist watch list because I refer to my balls as “bombs”

7. Black Beard: Scourge of the Spanish Main

Name for balls: Scurvy Dogs

Reason: I just love the idea of my dick sharing the name of someone famous in History.

Pros:  I have decided that for my 22nd birthday, I am going to throw a Pirate themed party. Naming my dick this will fit in with the theme.

Cons: Davy Jones’ locker jokes.

8. Captian Oliver Gully

Eh, close enough

Name for balls: the same as for Black Beard- Scruvy Dogs

Reason: This is what my Pirate name is going to be for my party. Naming my dick this would be a good way of breaking it in (the name, not my dick).

Pros: Say it fast. What does it sound like? No, I’ll tell you what it sounds like. It sounds like “All of her gully” which means my dick is the captain of all of her gully.

Cons: I will probably have to find a new name for myself.

9. Black

Name for balls: My Homies

Reason: I own this shirt:

Pros: Did you not read the shirt?!?!

Cons: I could get beat up by black dudes that have no sense of humor.

10. Mini Me

Name for balls: Mini Me’s fists

Reason: simply as a joke because the real Mini Me is 1/8th of Dr. Evil’s size. Of course my dick isn’t really 1/8th my size, that would be ridiculous- that would make me 12 feet tall.

Pros: a good reference joke

Cons: confused women may try to feed it chocolate. It doesn’t work; trust me, I’ve tried…

11. Cat O Nine Tails

Name for balls: hot coals

Reasons: Because it is badass.

Pros: every man will fear my Cat of nine tails and my hot coals

Cons: so will women

12. Gatorade Fountain

Name for balls: Bring It and X Factor

Reason: I drink a ton of Gatorade. Sooner or later I’m expecting my piss to come out in a variety of colors.

Pros: I could probably get an endorsement from Gatorade if they decide to sponsor my schlong.

Cons: I would have to deal with people with a piss fetish and people who have found out that my piss really isn’t Gatorade.

13. The Stress Reliever

Name for balls: muscle relaxers

Reason: Well, it helps me to relieve stress…

Pros: It’s a definite conversation starter.

Cons: The ladies my try to relieve their stress via squeezing it too hard.

14. The Illuminati

Name for balls: The Enlightenment

Reason: The Illuminati are the center of many conspiracy theories, and despite the fact that they haven’t been around for centuries, people still talk about them.

Pros: I can tell someone that I have proof the the Illuminati still exists, and when they say “what proof?” I can reply, “My dick! BURN!”

Cons: I get a bunch of creepy people following me around, asking me about the Illuminati.

15. Alcatraz (this name is for the balls as well)

Reason: There were hundreds of seedy characters in Alcatraz when it was open, and there are millions of seedy characters in my balls right now.

Pros: It’s a hardcore name.

Cons: The Ghost hunters may get confused and come to investigate my dick. That would suck, but someof those chicks look hot in the dark, so maybe it won’t be all bad.

16. Thundercock

Name for balls: Clouds of Doom

Reason: a variation on Thundercats. However, my version sounds more manly and dangerous. THUNDER!!!

Pros: when I whip it out and slap a girl in the face with it I can yell “THUNDER!!!”  and she will not be mad. She may even be a little amused and turned on.

Cons: Who am I kidding? There are no cons to this… THUNDER!!!

Now to pick these, and seeing as though it is march, I wanted to go with a St. Patrick’s day Theme, but I couldn’t. So instead, Let’s just do the NCAA competition bracket. I will separate the 16 choices into four groups: Pop culture References, Historical People or Groups, Historical Objects or Places, and Miscellaneous. I will be updating this throughout the week, so you better stay tuned, or you’ll miss all the fun! Oh, and for some extra fun, the bracket is below so that you at home can bet on what name will win the competition.


Round 1:

Pop Culture Group

Tommy Lee vs Mini me

Winner: Mini Me

This one is actually a no brainer. Even if Mini Me is a dwarf, He is still better than Tommy Lee. Plus, With the name Mini Me, I can also call my dick Verne. If I was going to name my dick Tommy Lee, the only other thing I could call it would be “Footlong STD shooter,” and as accurate that may be, my dick and I do not want the publicity that the second half of that nick-name would imply.

Gatorade Fountain vs Thunder Cock

Winner: Thunder Cock

Gatorade Fountain was not meant to last mainly because while I do enjoy drinking Gatorade, I don’t like drinking my piss. It is not what I consider to be a good time. And how do I expect the ladies to try what I’m selling if I am not willing to try it myself… Wait… oh wow, I am a bad person… THUNDER!

Miscellaneous Group

Black vs. Oliver Gully

Winner: Black

This one seriously comes down to the fact that I have a t-shirt that names my junk black, and the fact that I just made up the name “Oliver Gully” for my party and on hindsight, thought to myself, “hey, that sounds dirty. Ha ha ha.” The shirt made me feel that I have already invested in the name “Black”

Stress reliever vs. Phoenix

Winner: Phoenix

I cannot stress this enough (no pun intended) how much I do not want women to consider my dick to be an object that they squeeze until they get all of their anger out. That would be a one way ticket to the emergency room in Humiliation City. Ladies, that is not the purpose for my penis, and you should never, NEVER think that it is.

Historical Places and Objects Group

Cat of Nine tails vs. Tommy Gun

Winner: Tommy Gun

Another battle for the ages- two items made famous thanks to the dark nature of humanity. The Tommy gun was used by prohibition era gangsters  during what I assume were dangerous alcohol and easy women plentiful times. Damn, those flappers knew how to work it! C’mon boys, let’s go rob a bank and stop at the speakeasy for a nice little bit of rubbing alcohol! The cat of nine tails was, of course, that torture divice that the Romans used to rip some of Jesus’ skin off in that one movie you’ve probably never heard of. Tommy gun won, because you don’t have to get close to a person to hit them when you’re using a Tommy Gun. With a Cat of nine tails, you have to put yourself in harm’s way just to get good use out of it.

Alcatraz vs. Fountain of Youth

Winner: Alcatraz

Despite the fact that I have a sneeking suspicion that some rapper has used it as if it was his real name (he probably spelled it wrong, as most people who have not finished high school have a tendency to do), I felt that the name “Alcatraz” was so badass, and the actual prison is so infamous, that it was a much better name for my dick than an underground spring that some Spaniard spent years searching for.

Historical Names and Organizations Group

Guy Fawkes vs The Illuminati

Winner: Guy Fawkes

Before I go into the explanation for why Guy Fawkes won, I would like to point out how much of an amazing of a matchup this is. Guy Fawkes: a 1600s Catholic Extremist who tried to blow up Parliament all in the name of Catholicism, verses The Illuminati: an ancient secret organization that strives for enlightenment and hates Catholicism. At least that what was what Dan Brown told me, and he has never lied to me before. Why did Guy Fawkes win, you ask? Because, who other than conspiracy theorists and popular writers even remember anything about The Illuminati? Guy Fawkes has his own holiday and a batshit insane vigilante/ terrorist that dresses up has him. Game: Guy Fawkes.

President Taft vs. Black Beard

Winner: President Taft

This was the first difficult matchup, folks. One- a Pirate who was the epitome of violent, aggressive, pirate behavior, and the President who got stuck in the bathtub. The battle was so close that it came down to a pubic hair, literally. The two were equally matched until I pictured my shindig and bo-jengles with a black beard. And as humorous as it was, and as tempted as I am to make that image a reality, I went with Taft to ensure that the world would not become a little less clean by that image escaping my brain and entering reality. Plus, Taft was the leader of the free world. AMERICA, FUCK YEA!!!

What an exciting round that was! I hope the names you placed money on won. Stay tuned tomorrow to see if your favorite names make it through round 2! Round 2 decides what name is the Group Champ!

Here is the bracket for round 2:____________________________________________________________

Round 2

Pop Culture Group

Mini Me vs. Thundercock

Wow right off the bat we he have a battle that could go either way. It’s like if World of Warcraft nerds got into a fight with some other group of virgins. The only difference between the two battles is that Mini Me vs. Thundercock is, like, 50 times more badass, and warcraft vs. other virgins is really just a bunch of pale dudes getting all sweaty as they attack each other with plastic swords. Mini Me, a classic character from the Austin Powers series, will be an easy to explain refrence for those who need it (even though I technically just did). Thundercock, on the other hand, is really me putting the words “thunder” and “cock” together and acting like it was a reference to Thundercats. However, Thundercock has it’s own call. And that is more awesome than anything that Mini Me can throw at it. Also, if Fat Bastard ever shows up while I am in mid-coitus with some sexy dame, my manhood will not be worried that said bastard will be confused by the name and attempt to eat it.

Winner: THUNDER!!! [clears throat] I mean, Thundercock

Miscellanious Group

Black vs Pheonix

For this matchup, let’s look at the obvious awesomeness of each name. For Black, I have the T-shirt and I have the luxury to say that my cock is a gangsta. I’m not trippin’, dawg, it will straight up motherfuckin bust a cap in that trick ass bitch’s shit if she don’t give it its motherfuckin money. These niggas be hatin. It a pimp, yo. Word. If I choose to name my dick “Black” what I just wrote will not be offensive. Pheonix on the other hand, other than sharing its name with a town nobody wants to go to, and an actor who is almost as insane as Gary Busey (I’m talking River here. Joaquain  is 5 times crazier than Busey, because at least Busey admits that he is crazy) phoenix is the name of a kickass mythical firebird. The goddamn thing is born from the ashes that its dying self leaves! Taking all of these facts into consideration, I have decided that no matter how awesome a regenerating fire bird is, it still does not beat the idea that I could tell a black joke, and when I get that “you’re a racist” look from all of you hypocritical white folks out there, I can reply, “It’s ok for me to say that; my dick’s name is Black.” Hooray racial equality!

Winner: Black

Historical places and Objects Group

Alcatraz vs. Tommy Gun

Another classic matchup! This one basically sums up the 1920s gangster era. The Tommy Gun is what the gangsters used against the police and anyone who got in their way, and Alcatraz is the place that said gangsters were sent once they got caught. It is like both sides represent a different era in the gangster movement. Tommy gun is the excitement, the wild and dangerous side, the side that knows no rules, and Alcatraz is the downfall of the gangster. How delightfully coincidental it is that these two should be battling it out just so that one of them could share their name with my dick. Tommy Gun is phallic, so it does make more sense to name my manwurst after it, especially considering the fact that Alcatraz is a place you can enter, and my crotchrocket is only an exit. While there are most likely many Tommy guns still in good enough condition to shoot, and Alcatraz is decrepit, there is only one Alcatraz. This means that my dick would be more unique. Don’t question my logic. However, Alcatraz is haunted, and worse yet, is in San Fransisco. [shutter]  Given that thought, It is possible that Alcatraz is actually the gateway to Hell. And in lue of that fact that I just made up, Tommy gun bitch slaps Alcatraz out of the running.

Winner: Tommygun

Historical People and Groups

Guy Fawkes vs. President Taft

So it has come to this: the epic battle between status quo and anti-establishment. Who will win? I know, but do you? Of course you don’t- that is why I am writing this. I will start off with a major plus that both names possess. My dick gets an official holiday because of these names: Guy Fawkes day, and President’s day. So no matter who wins, I will be able to use it to batter dip my cranny axe in a lady’s diving pit. Now with Guy Fawkes, I also get a vigilante, and an army of internet nerds. With Taft I get fat jokes.  There is a possibility that I could command the United States army with my dick, but I think that makes me sound like a very strange super villain. But they’re fat jokes directed at my dick, so that’s a good thing. But Guy Fawkes failed at his mission at blowing up parliament, and Taft is not really known for anything other than being getting stuck in a bathtub.  You may or may not know my dude tube as well as I, but rest assured, my dick finishes what it starts, and should be known for its ability, not just its size. After considering all of these factors, I have come to the conclusion that I must go with the Catholic rebel over the fat, rich, white guy because I am all for rebelling. If you do not believe me, remember that you are reading a blog that (up until this point) is 2,827 words long and is all about my dick. And it isn’t even like I am pretending that I am talking about something else. No, I am talking about my cock, and what it’s name should be. Yes, it is dumb, and not incredibly rebellious, but it is kind of rebellious. So Extremist:1 Status Quo: 0

Winner Guy Fawkes

Alright, that was an exciting round! Stay tuned tomorrow for round three. The new bracket is below:


Round 3

Thundercock vs. Black

Wow, these matchups are getting intense. Both of these names are evenly matched, and both teams have only one really good reason for getting this far. For Black, I have the T-shirt, and for Thundercock, I have the call, “THUNDER!!!” Yet, With Black, I would have to have the shirt with me every day, just in case my dick’s name were to come up in a conversation. Or, I would have to make sure that I wore the shirt the next time I saw the people I had the conversation with.  Thundercock, on the other hand, is strange, violent, and a little disturbing… Wait, those are all good things. And I am those things, even if I only let my violent side show through my writing. If this competition comes down to the cons of each name, Thundercock has pulled ahead because there is no cons to that name.

Winner: Thundercock

Tommy Gun vs. Guy Fawkes

Before we continue, I would like to point out how amazing it is that Tommy Gun got this far. I seriously did not expect it to last past round 2, but in the end, it delivered the kill shot to Alcratraz. Tommy gun should be applauded for its fighting spirit, as well as its pugnastics. Can Guy Fawkes say that? No, that name was able to bitch slap its competition into submission fairly quickly. But Guy Fawkes has something on its side that makes it easy for it to dominate: it is a powerful symbol. Of course, Tommy Gun is a symbol too- it is a symbol for prohibition, gangsters, and 1920s style bank robberies. But that is really just a series of ideas that stem from the real meaning which is: a dark time in our nation’s history when crime was remarkably high. Guy Fawkes is a symbol for the power of rebelling against an unfair government. An in our time- and in any time for that matter- that is a far more important symbol. To stand up and fight against the unjust in this world is what gives me faith in humanity. And because of this, Guy Fawkes snuck into Tommy Gun’s house, filled it with explosives, and lit up the sky like a burning oil tanker on the 4th of July.

Winner: Guy Fawkes

Only one match left, and it is between Guy Fawkes and Thundercock. Who will win? Damned if I know! Come back tomorrow and read the thrilling conclusion of “So I’ve Decided to Rename My Dick (The Thrilling Conclusion)”

Here is the Final Round Bracket if you could not figure out what it would look like on your own:


Ok, folks, here it is. The final round- the round that will decide the name of my junk.  And rest assured, this is going to be the hardest decision of my life. I mean, if my house was burning down, and I only had time to save one of my parents, I could make that decision in less time. If fact, as I am writing this, I still haven’t decided on the name. It has come down to the two most kickass, insane, and awesome names that any dick could be named.  Seriously, how the fuck do you decide between these two names. It’s damn near impossible.

In order to wrap my head around this issue, I will give you my reasoning behind how the name got as far as it did. Let’s start with Guy Fawkes:

I love the movie V for Vendetta, which is the movie about an insane vigilante that I have referenced throughout this blog. If you haven’t seen it yet, stop reading this blog, drive to the closest movie rental store, and rent the damn movie. It’s ok, this blog isn’t going anywhere. For the rest of you, it should be known that V for Vendetta is my favorite movie, and me naming my dick Guy Fawkes will not only be an homage to Guy Fawkes himself, but will also be a homage to that movie and the comic book that inspired it. So, the holiday, the idea of rebellion, and the possibility that I would dress my dick up as V aside, that is why I really like that name.

Thundercock- its badass. That’s it. I cannot think of any real reason to name my dick Thundercock other than that one, simple fact. There is no real thought behind the name. So why should I even consider this? Even Stress Reliever and Tommy Lee had some thought behind their names, and they didn’t make it past round one. But maybe, that’s what makes Thundercock great. It is truly a man’s name. Fellas, let’s be honest, we know we have all done something stupid just because it sounded awesome at the time we thought about it. Here is a perfect example of what I am talking about:

Did you notice how stupid and awesome that slide was? Did you also notice that every single person that sent down that slide more than likely had a penis? That is what I am saying. The main difference between women and men is that women think. We men just act out our ideas and hope everything goes according to plan.  I mean sure, there is a lot of forethought in most of the things we do, even that slide had to have some plans drawn up before hand, but when men think of something that could be awesome, we completely ignore that little voice that says, “Hey, I think this might be a bad idea. Someone could get seriously hurt.”  Thundercock is a name that represents that level of manly spontaneity.

So, yes, those are the two choices. Guy Fawkes, the one that has thought behind it, or Thunercock, which has no thought behind it, but is incredibly manly. A way to think of this matchup is between the brain and the dick. Wait, HOLY SHIT! That’s it! My brain has been doing the deciding. I have completely ignored my dick throughout this whole competition. This should it should be my dick’s decision,not be my brain’s. And in that case, we going to ask him.

Brain- Hey, Churro Gigantico

Churro Gigantico- Wat up…BITCH!

Brain- Stop calling me that, its annoying.

Churro Gigantico- Oh, I’m sorry. I was only joking. You see, I was under the impression that you liked vagina.

Brain- Doug, do you see what I have to deal with?! Every time I talk to this guy it’s the same thing.

Churro Gigantico- Hey, leave Doug E Fresh out of this. This is between you and me.

Brain- You know for a dick, you sure are an asshole.

Churro Gigantico- Fuck you!


Brain- Ok, ok. Churro Gigantico, what would you like to be named Gu-

Churro Gigantico- your mother.

Brain- [sighs] would you like to be named Guy Fawkes or Thundercock?

Churro Gigantico- Pfsh, Thundercock. That was easy. Next question.

Brain- actually that was all that I needed to ask. You are now officially named Thundercock.

Thundercock- really? Hmm… THUNDER!!!

Winner: Thundercock

However, Guy Fawkes got the consolation prize. That is now the official name of my brain. If only they could work together, it would be the best crime fighting pair ever.

Wow, that’s it. I’m done. And you people sat through 4,000+ words about my dick. You are all dedicated. I think you owe yourself a round of applause. And if the name you were rooting for didn’t win, wait until next year!

Ok, I’m done. I’ve got real world shit to do.


So, I’ve Decided to Rename my Dick.

Yes you read that right, rename- as in my dick and balls already have a name. Yes, they do. Here is the story.

My senior year of high school the marching band and I went down to Florida. But before that, in Physics, Conner Randal (I don’t remember his real name so, let’s just call him that) and I were talking about the trip.  Conner was not going, because he is “too cool” for band, but in reality, he was waaay too cool for band, and also not talented at music whatsoever. Anyway, since I was going to a state with a high Latin American population, we got onto the subject of hot Latinas.

Conner said, “Latinas are almost always hot. You should try to score with one while you’re down there.”

“Yea!” I exclaimed, “I bet there will be tons working at the hotel.”

That was basically the end of the conversation, but my mind kept going. I couldn’t stop thinking about how awesome it would be if I could nail a hot Cuban day laborer while I was down there. what insued was a fantasy that I am going to share with you now. Brace yourselves.

"Yo quiero ser tu mujer," the sexy latina whispered into my ear.

My friends leave the hotel room without me, either because they are dicks, or I secretly know what’s going to happen so I leave after them because I don’t want them cock-blocking me. Either way, I am walking down the corridor alone and dripping with sexual energy. Or maybe sweat, I cannot tell because of how horny I am. As I head toward the elevator, I see an incredibly sexy maid drop her feather duster. Ignoring the fact that this hotel is the only facility left on the planet that still employs the “feather duster method,” I pick it up and hand it to her. our eyes meet. We stare, only for a moment or two, but we stare all the same. She looks just like what you would expect a woman who is some kind of Spanish would look like, but 500 times hotter. Why she is working as a maid and not a model, you ask? Because that would not be consistent with the story, now would it?

“Oh, muchas gracias senior,” she said as she took the feather duster with my hand, and tickled my epic pecs with the feathers.

“Don’t mention it,” I said smoothly, while lighting a cigarette.


What I look like when I light up.


She then said, “Oy Papi, I am so hungry, do you have anything to eat.”

I gave her a little smile and said, “Well you can have a taste of El Churro Gigantico.”

At that moment, my mind came to a screeching halt. El Churro Gigantico. That was all I could think about. That name- for my dick. Can you say Hells to the yea?!?! From there, keeping with the ethnic foods theme, I named my left ball “Matzo,” and my right, “Swedish Meat.”

But that was four years ago. I have grown as a person since then (Or at least for purposes of this blog I have,) I don’t hang out with anyone that I did from highschool, and I feel I should name my junk something that  reflects who I am now. I have compiled a list of names for my dick, along with the reason I am conseidering it, the pros of the name, and the cons of the name. Here they are:

  1. Pheonix

Name for balls: ?

Reason: Because just as a phoenix dies and is then reborn, a boner will go flaccid and then become hard again.

Pros: The phoenix is a fucking awesome creature, plus they’re mythical, so people could come to believe that my dick is that of legends.

Cons: Phoenix is also the name of a mutant in the X-men series who generally tends to fuck shit right up. No that might not sound so bad, but in the movie, she also killed people, and I don’t want my dick to be associated with murder- or do I? And, it could also lead people to believe that I am a fire crotch. I would rather people believe that my shindig is dangerous than believe that it is covered in red hair [gag.]

2. President Taft

Name for balls: members of his cabinet- Richard Ballinger, and Jacob Dickinson. I swear I did not make those up.

Reason: because my dick is always getting stuck in things

Pros:  Taft will finally be remembered for something other than the bathtub incident

Cons: Taft was a racist by today’s standards. And my dick does not see color, mainly because it has no eyes.

3. Tommy Lee

AKA walking bag of STDs

Name for balls: Motley and Crue, or just refer to them as his Motley Crue

Reason: I think this one is self explanatory

Pros: this could insinuate that the real Tommy Lee is a dick, or that my dick is huge

Cons: my dick will contract Hepatitis from being named that

4. The Fountain of Youth

Name for the balls: ?

Reason: because what woman doesn’t want to look young forever

Pros: I could get cougars with a name like this

Cons: I could also get hags and women with a piss fetish. Also, I could get sued for false advertizing

5. Tommy Gun

Name for balls: loaded magazines 1 &2

Reason: because my dick can shoot projectiles that could have the potential of being named Tommy one day.

Pros: This could insinuate that I am a prohibition era gangster

Cons: There are dozens of more awesome guns out there these days. A Tommy gun is very, very outdated. Most of them probably don’t even work anymore. Can you see where I am going with this?

So those are my ideas so far, but I still need more. This is where you, my readers come in. If you have any ideas for what I should name my junk, then I want you to put the idea in the comments below. You can  post a comment even if you don’t have a WordPress account; just leave your email (no one sees it. It is to notify you when I reply to it.)

My one rule is that the name you come up with  must follow is the “How to lose a guy in 10 days rule.” IE, no cutesy, girly crap, it has to be masculine, and incredibly awesome. Also, if you have suggestions for my balls for #s 1 and 4, they would be greatly  appreciated.

Oh, and Misty (I know you’re reading this), your comment on my last blog gave me the idea for this one, so thanks.


Oh, and if you were wondering if i got laid on the Florida trip by a sexy maid, i did not, but I did get hit on by a bunch of girls from Spain. So that was pretty cool.

The News Has Never Been So Sexy, or Disturbing.

Have you noticed how depressing the news is anymore? It doesn’t matter what news station you watch, because after five minutes of any station, you will have a sneaking suspicion that someone is trying to kill you. Also, have you noticed how incredibly hot the Anchor ladies are becoming? Seriously, some of these women need to pose for playboy, or at least Maxim. Shit, I would settle for a Tijuana bible of some of them.

Breaking News: I am pitching a tent!

But it makes sense, you need incredibly attractive women reading the news or ranting incoherently like all pundits, because, lets be honest- the world is not headed to Hell, it is sprinting there, knocking over little old ladies that get in its way. We need hot anchor ladies just because boobs make men smile, and we need something to make us feel better after watching anything on Fox News or MSNBC. This does cause some problems however. For instance, it starts arguments between my dick and my brain about what we are going to watch. My brain doesn’t like to watch the news, because the news makes my brain cry. My dick loves watching the news because the anchor ladies makes my dick cry in a good way. This would lead to many a evening where I would have a headache and be left feeling very frustrated (if you know what I mean.)

This went on for several days before my dick and brain decided that their silly arguing was not getting us anywhere. The three of us decided to search for other means of entertainment. We started with (much to the chagrin of my brain) sticking my dick in random objects. This lead to some comedic and oftentimes tragic consequences, and I am sure one of said consequences ended up on youtube somewhere.

Anyway, from there I discovered a little invention called the internet. It was amazing! All of the most beautiful women in the San Fernando Valley were all in this one place, getting fucked 24/7. I was going to attempt to break into the internet and see if I could get in on the action, but then I discovered the true face of the internet. S&M,  Simpson anime porn, and most evil video of all: 2 girls 1 cup. I had to take three showers after watching that video, and I still felt unclean. And then there was this thing (I swear, Cracked.com showed me this.)

when photoshop goes horribly, horribly wrong...

After that, I decided to quit arm wrestling the Cyclops, and went out to look for some sweet panooch myself. As it turns out, I am incredibly awkward, do not know how to flirt, and second guess myself when I think a girl likes me. Oh, how I wish those were jokes.

The point I am trying to make is that I used up all of my other resources for arousal; I only had three options left: becoming a peeping tom, gay porn (there’s got to be some chicks in it, right?), or the news. Deciding that the former two were more illegal and contained waaay too much sodomy than I care for, I decided to go back to the news. My brain developed a plan to deal with all that noise that those pretty on air personalities produce. That plan was called “Operation: Mute That Bitch.” I would turn onto the news station with the sexiest anchor ladies, and press the mute button. I would then imagine what these women were saying to me. I will give you a brief example of our conversations.

Jillian Hottits- Thank you for watching Minigan Blackwood, I missed you. I missed you so hard.

don't speak, just look pretty for the camera.

Me- I missed you too baby. What do you want to do tonight? What the Hell is he doing here?

Douchebag Scallywag- Sorry Minigan, but I will be jumping in between you two to sporadically kill your erection.

what a douche

Jillian- Your huge, throbbing, man erection

Douchebag- Yes, I will be deflating that. By the end of this program you should feel like your dick is bipolar.

Me- Get off the Screen, Douchebag!

Jillian- Sorry Minigan, but you know the rules. Anyway, did you bring the whippedcream?

Me- I sure did!

Jillian- Good, now squirt it on my big fake boobs.

Me- But you are just a TV screen, I can’t put on your che-

Jillian- JUST DO IT!!!

Me- OK, OK, just calm down. [sprays the whipped cream on the TV, over Jillian’s chest]

Jillian- Oooohhh baby, yea just like that. Now lick it off.

Me- oh, yeah! [starts licking] mmm… you taste so good. Do you like the way I lick you, baby?

Me- Baby?  [looks up] Oh, what the fuck!

Douchebag- This just in: Minigan Blackwood is licking whipped cream off of my suit, proving once again that he is my bitch.

Me- Fuck you

Douchebag- No sir, fuck you.

Me-Put Jillian back on, you slimy, cock gobbling excuse for human placenta!

Jillian- What did you call me?

Me- I didn’t call you anything, baby. Now, where were we?

Jillian-  I was just about to tell you what I want you to do to me.

Me- What do you want me to do to you?

Jillian- I want you to-

Douchebag- suck my old hairy balls

Me- NEVER!!!!

Douchebag- and then I want-

Jillian- you to gently kiss me all over my body. Start at the neck, and slowly work your way down to my navel. Then, before you head down south, I want you to lick my belly button while you –

Douchebag- fondle my big, floppy man boobs. Then you should-

Random black buy that stands in front of a map of the US- DIE MOTHERFUCKER!!!

the most terrifying weatherman ever

Me- Oh, shit no! the racist stereotype is back! Please don’t shoot me, For the love of Yaweh!!!

Stereotype- IT’S GONNA RAIN, BITCH!!

Me- Please, I’ll do anything! Just don’t kill me!

Stereotype- Fine get down on your knees.

Me- Ok, Ok. [begins to sob like a little girl]

Jillian- seeing you cry like that makes me so hot. Mmmm yea, sooo hot!

Me- Thank God you’re back! That racist and inaccurate stereotype was going to kill me.

Jillian-  It’s ok, baby. I’ll make-

Douchebag- You toss my salad, then I’ll-


Me- fuck it, I’m done with this shit. [turns off the TV, wipes away the remaining whippedcream. goes into the bathroom, turns on the shower, climbs in, and curls into a ball and weeps uncontrollably]

I may go to Hell for this post.  Hope you enjoyed it!

Reese’s Peaces are nothing but feces

pictured: a pile of shit

Jimmy, you’re welcome.

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