Inner Voice-What time is it?
Early morning, probably.
Inner Voice- The Weather?
Inner Voice- What are you doing?
Waking from a stupor, naked other than shoes on my feet, a pile of plant debris conveniently placed over my genitals.
Inner Voice-Where are you?
… I don’t even fucking know. [lifts head looks over naked body and mound of dead leaves covering package to the surrounding area] OK. I’m definitely in a field somewhere. [sits up, examines one of the plant fragments making up the makeshift vegetative loincloth. This is a corn stalk. I’m in a corn field. I’ve gotten drunkenly lost in cornfields way too many times to not know what a corn stalk looks like.
Inner Voice- Good. Now the important question is-
Who the fuck are you?
Inner Voice- I’m your inner voice. I’m here to help you figure out what happened to lead you here.
I think we both know what lead me to where I am now.
Inner Voice- Well, yes, but I meant what were the exact events that lead to you passing out naked in a cornfield, not how your regular poor choices and poisonous personality has lead you to be the kind of person who would pass out naked in a cornfield.
Oh. So you’re my inner voice?
Inner Voice- Yes.
So where were you the last, say, five times, I could’ve used your help?
Inner Voice- You wouldn’t have listened to me then.
Yeah, but you could’ve at least given it a shot, dick.
Inner Voice- Right. Well, you do want my help or not.
I’m not sure. I’ve gotten myself out of worse situations in the past without your help.
Inner Voice- Yes, but with me you’ll have twice the brain power to help you solve this mystery.
But you’re in my head, how will I have twice the brain power? Wait, are you saying that I have superpowers?!?! Oh man, I cannot wait to rub my god-like abilities in Zac Efron’s smug, unshaven face!
Inner Voice- You don’t have super powers.
But you just said-
Inner Voice- I was referring to the fact that you only use half of your brain normally, dipshit.
I can already tell that I’m not going to like you.
Inner Voice- I’m sure that when I care about what you think, that will hurt my feelings, but right now we need to ask ourselves one very important question- Why-
Why does my mouth taste like Cool Ranch Doritos and garbage?
Inner Voice- That wasn’t the question I was thinking of, but OK, let’s focus on that instead of where you are, what you remember last, or what happened to your clothes.
Great. I’m glad you’re on my side for once. Now [licks lips] I can taste the distinct flavor of Cool Ranch Doritos along with some putrid trash overtones, so I’m thinking I got black out drunk, ate at Arby’s and then tried to wash out that Arby’s food flavor with a bag of Doritos. How does that sound to you?
Inner Voice- That makes a whole lot of sense, actually.
Boom! We’re so fucking on top of this right now! We could just hump this mystery into submission if we wanted to!
Inner Voice- Yeah, but you’re still standing in the middle of a random cornfield completely nude and without the slightest clue as to where you are.
I’m in a cornfield.
Inner Voice- Yes, but that doesn’t help us much.
It tells us that we’re in a rural area, and that we may still be in Ohio. That’s a start.
Inner Voice- I guess that’s true. And look at the edge of the trees! [points to a light blue piece of cloth waving from a tree branch at the edge of the woods] that could be your shirt! You know, your superman shirt that you like to wear while you take douchebaggy pictures of yourself!
I know which one you meant, asshole, and I do not take douchebaggy pictures of myself. That was probably you. And how did you move my hand anyway? You’re just supposed to be my inner voice.
Inner Voice- I thought so too, but it looks like I can control this arm [waves left arm around frantically]
OK Enough! Let’s go get my shirt. [walks to the edge of the cornfield, climbs tree and frees shirt from the branch. Jumps down.] Alright! We have my shirt! Now what?
Inner Voice- Well, you desperately need some pants.
Good thinking, inner voice, if my cellphone is still with it, then we can use it to find out where we are and how to get home!
Inner Voice- See? We make a good pair after all! [after a brief pause] are you going to put your shirt on?
And be a man wearing a shirt but no pants? Rob Delaney’s right: that is the worst thing in the world. Plus, I don’t want anyone to think that there is something wrong with me when they see me.
Inner Voice- Well, you’re naked, so they’ll probably think that anyway. Plus, who’s going to see you out here anyway?
I dunno. Cool kids who came out here to smoke and drink and have sex with each other.
Inner Voice- [sighs] Just look for a place where you would’ve hidden your pants.
[looks around and spots a hollowed out tree trunk there is a piece of paper nailed above the hole that reads: Nothing interesting in here. Please keep away.]
That’s where I would’ve hidden my pants. [rushes over to the trunk, is about to reach inside when his inner voice stops him]
Inner Voice- Wait a minute! Think about this. We’re talking about you here. If you were hiding something and didn’t want it to be found, would you advertise its location like this?
No. I would put it in a place that is in plain sight but innocuous enough to go unnoticed and then set a red herring that is ultimately a trap. Holy shit. That’s what I did here. [picks up a stick and sticks it into the hole of the tree trunk. Almost instantly, two jaws with sharp metal teeth clamp shut and sever the stick.]
Holy hell, drunk me sure is ingenuitive.
Inner Voice- Is that a bear trap? Where did you even get one of those?
Is that really important right now?
Inner voice- No. but it is a little unnerving that you had one of those ready to set up a trap for someone trying to find your pants.
Still unimportant, though. Now, help me find a low key place I would have hidden my pants.
Inner Voice- Well, you said that it would be in plain sight, and people rarely look above their heads when searching for something.
So in the trees? A little uncreative on my part after the bear trap and all.
Inner Voice- Don’t be so sure. Look up. I think you nailed your pants to that tree.
[looks up and sees his jeans nailed tightly around the trunk of the tree.] OK, first of all, How did you see that before me, and secondly, where did I get all these nails?
Inner Voice- I’m not sure, but I think I see a hammer up there. Climb up there and get your pants.
Oh sure, make me do everything. [climbs up the tree, retrieves the hammer and frees the jeans. Comes back down and puts them on.] OK, now what?
Inner Voice- Check your phone to see where you are, dumbass.
There is no need for name calling, dick cheese. [pulls out phone and checks the map] I am in Utica for some reason.
Inner Voice- Man, you must’ve gone to a dark place last night if you ended up in Utica. What else?
Well, I have no new text message notifications, that’s probably a good thing. Let’s just see if I tweeted anything stupid- Oh God…
Inner voice- What did you do?
I didn’t tweet anything, but #UticaOhio and #ColumbusZooMissingElephant are both trending worldwide on Twitter.
Inner Voice- I think it’s safe to say that you had a hand in that.
Yep. So what should I do now?
Inner Voice- Is there anything else on your phone that could help?
Not really. Just a few pictures of me riding the elephant and me stealing the elephant.
Inner Voice- OK. Delete those off of your phone.
But I have proof that I rode an elephant!
Inner Voice- But it’s also incriminating evidence. Delete them.
You’re no fun. [deletes the pictures and stomps off]
Inner Voice- I don’t know where you’re going, but if you’re trying to get away from me, it’s not going to work. I’m in your head, remember.
Inner Voice- Look, I’m trying to help you. If you don’t want my help, I’ll leave and then you can figure this out all on your own. Do you want that?
Inner Voice- Well, unfortunately for both of us that isn’t an option. Now, what do you remember before you blacked out last night.
I remember being excited about something. It was something that I knew was going to be epic. I assume that’s the elephant larceny part, but I also remember being very hungry. I think I had been fasting for days to lead up to what I was about to do. I was driving somewhere, not in the direction of the zoo though, and I remember saying to myself, “my nipples are hard just thinking about what is going to happen tonight!” I don’t remember what I was referring to. [gasps] you don’t think I was going to fuck the elephant, do you?
Inner Voice- Well, I didn’t but now I do. C’mon, there must have been something you missed. Did you check all your pockets?
No, but I never put anything in this back one [feels inside left back pocket, pulls out a balled up piece of paper.]
Inner Voice- What is that?
Well, I’ve only had two seconds to look at it, but I think it’s safe to say that this is a treasure map.
Inner Voice- It doesn’t look like a treasure map to me…
I was being sarcastic, you asshole! [grumbles as he flattens out the square piece of paper and all across it are strange markings written at 45 degree angles.] I think I know that this is! This is a code! You have to fold the paper the right way to figure out the message!
Inner voice- That’s pretty clever, actually.
Yeah, and I only did it with the half of my brain that isn’t a total dick all the time! [begins folding the paper.]
Brings the four corners together and the message reads:
“Minigan, if you are reading this, you’re in deep shit./ you stole an elephant and rode it to Utica.”
Folding the new corners to the center on the other side created the sentences:
“You assaulted a police officer with a nail gun./ Your face was hidden by a Taco Bell Bag.’
Folding in the corners one more time revealed the words: “Find Della. She’ll Help.”
Then, reversing the folds showed: “God Speed”
Della! Of Course! She lives in Utica! [pulls out phone and goes to text Della]
Inner Voice- What now?
Apparently Della and I had a texting conversation last night. She’s a little pissed at me.
Inner Voice- This is good!
How is this good?
Inner Voice- Well, she’ll have to know what all happened last night, and she’s probably so mad at you that she won’t even be able to come up with a lie!
You’re right! But I’m sure she’s getting a good laugh about all of this now anyway. [calls up Della. When she answers, he says in the “I know you’re mad at me tone”] Hi.
Della- You’re a sociopathic bastard, Minigan, you know that?
Kind of. But what exactly did I do this time?
Della- Really? Really?! You broke into our house last night with a bag full of Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Tacos from Taco Bell, and made us watch as you ate all ten of them. You then started spazzing out and fell to the floor. You crawled to the garbage can and began to shovel whatever was in there into your mouth while muttering what sounded like incantations to summon the Dark One. Matt and I tried to pull you away, but you were too strong. But after about a minute you finished eating, jumped up and sprinted out the door while screaming that you were king of the Wellypants, which now I have figured you meant “elephants” since you went straight from my house to the Columbus Zoo so that you could release a female African elephant and ride her down the highway. Matt wanted to stop you, but I convinced him that you weren’t worth it. We decided to go to bed, and just as I’m about to fall asleep, we get a call that you had stolen the elephant and had attacked a police officer with a nail gun. Seriously, what the hell is wrong with you?
So you’re saying that I actually ate garbage?
Della- I cannot believe that is the only thing that you got from that story.
[Ignoring Della] You hear that Inner voice? I didn’t eat Arby’s after all!
Inner Voice- Thank God.
Della- Who are you talking to?
Just my inner voice
Della- You really have lost your mind, haven’t you?
Probably. So… Do you think you could come and pick me up?