The Great Naked in a Cornfield Caper

Inner Voice-What time is it?

Early morning, probably.

Inner Voice- The Weather?

Clear, cool.

Inner Voice- What are you doing?

Waking from a stupor, naked other than shoes on my feet, a pile of plant debris conveniently placed over my genitals.

Inner Voice-Where are you?

… I don’t even fucking know. [lifts head looks over naked body and mound of dead leaves covering package to the surrounding area] OK. I’m definitely in a field somewhere. [sits up, examines one of the plant fragments making up the makeshift vegetative loincloth. This is a corn stalk. I’m in a corn field. I’ve gotten drunkenly lost in cornfields way too many times to not know what a corn stalk looks like.

Inner Voice- Good. Now the important question is-

Who the fuck are you?

Inner Voice- I’m your inner voice. I’m here to help you figure out what happened to lead you here.

I think we both know what lead me to where I am now.

Inner Voice- Well, yes, but I meant what were the exact events that lead to you passing out naked in a cornfield, not how your regular poor choices and poisonous personality has lead you to be the kind of person who would pass out naked in a cornfield.

Oh. So you’re my inner voice?

Inner Voice- Yes.

So where were you the last, say, five times, I could’ve used your help?

Inner Voice- You wouldn’t have listened to me then.

Yeah, but you could’ve at least given it a shot, dick.

Inner Voice- Right. Well, you do want my help or not.

I’m not sure. I’ve gotten myself out of worse situations in the past without your help.

Inner Voice- Yes, but with me you’ll have twice the brain power to help you solve this mystery.

But you’re in my head, how will I have twice the brain power? Wait, are you saying that I have superpowers?!?! Oh man, I cannot wait to rub my god-like abilities in Zac Efron’s smug, unshaven face!

Inner Voice- You don’t have super powers.

But you just said-

Inner Voice- I was referring to the fact that you only use half of your brain normally, dipshit.

I can already tell that I’m not going to like you.

Inner Voice- I’m sure that when I care about what you think, that will hurt my feelings, but right now we need to ask ourselves one very important question- Why-

Why does my mouth taste like Cool Ranch Doritos and garbage?

Inner Voice- That wasn’t the question I was thinking of, but OK, let’s focus on that instead of where you are, what you remember last, or what happened to your clothes.

Great. I’m glad you’re on my side for once. Now [licks lips] I can taste the distinct flavor of Cool Ranch Doritos along with some putrid trash overtones, so I’m thinking I got black out drunk, ate at Arby’s and then tried to wash out that Arby’s food flavor with a bag of Doritos. How does that sound to you?

Inner Voice- That makes a whole lot of sense, actually.

Boom! We’re so fucking on top of this right now! We could just hump this mystery into submission if we wanted to!

Inner Voice- Yeah, but you’re still standing in the middle of a random cornfield completely nude and without the slightest clue as to where you are.

I’m in a cornfield.

Inner Voice- Yes, but that doesn’t help us much.

It tells us that we’re in a rural area, and that we may still be in Ohio. That’s a start.

Inner Voice- I guess that’s true. And look at the edge of the trees! [points to a light blue piece of cloth waving from a tree branch at the edge of the woods] that could be your shirt! You know, your superman shirt that you like to wear while you take douchebaggy pictures of yourself!

Superman is much more of a preppy asshole than what I would have guessed.

Superman is much more of a preppy asshole than what I would have guessed.

I know which one you meant, asshole, and I do not take douchebaggy pictures of myself. That was probably you. And how did you move my hand anyway? You’re just supposed to be my inner voice.

Inner Voice- I thought so too, but it looks like I can control this arm [waves left arm around frantically]

OK Enough! Let’s go get my shirt. [walks to the edge of the cornfield, climbs tree and frees shirt from the branch. Jumps down.] Alright! We have my shirt! Now what?

Inner Voice- Well, you desperately need some pants.

Good thinking, inner voice, if my cellphone is still with it, then we can use it to find out where we are and how to get home!

Inner Voice- See? We make a good pair after all! [after a brief pause] are you going to put your shirt on?

And be a man wearing a shirt but no pants? Rob Delaney’s right: that is the worst thing in the world. Plus, I don’t want anyone to think that there is something wrong with me when they see me.

Inner Voice- Well, you’re naked, so they’ll probably think that anyway. Plus, who’s going to see you out here anyway?

I dunno. Cool kids who came out here to smoke and drink and have sex with each other.

Inner Voice- [sighs] Just look for a place where you would’ve hidden your pants.

[looks around and spots a hollowed out tree trunk there is a piece of paper nailed above the hole that reads: Nothing interesting in here. Please keep away.]

That’s where I would’ve hidden my pants. [rushes over to the trunk, is about to reach inside when his inner voice stops him]

Inner Voice- Wait a minute! Think about this. We’re talking about you here.  If you were hiding something and didn’t want it to be found, would you advertise its location like this?

No. I would put it in a place that is in plain sight but innocuous enough to go unnoticed and then set a red herring that is ultimately a trap. Holy shit. That’s what I did here. [picks up a stick and sticks it into the hole of the tree trunk. Almost instantly, two jaws with sharp metal teeth clamp shut and sever the stick.]

Holy hell, drunk me sure is ingenuitive.

Inner Voice- Is that a bear trap? Where did you even get one of those?

Is that really important right now?

Inner voice- No. but it is a little unnerving that you had one of those ready to set up a trap for someone trying to find your pants.

Still unimportant, though. Now, help me find a low key place I would have hidden my pants.

Inner Voice- Well, you said that it would be in plain sight, and people rarely look above their heads when searching for something.

So in the trees? A little uncreative on my part after the bear trap and all.

Inner Voice- Don’t be so sure. Look up. I think you nailed your pants to that tree.

[looks up and sees his jeans nailed tightly around the trunk of the tree.] OK, first of all, How did you see that before me, and secondly, where did I get all these nails?

Inner Voice- I’m not sure, but I think I see a hammer up there. Climb up there and get your pants.

Oh sure, make me do everything. [climbs up the tree, retrieves the hammer and frees the jeans. Comes back down and puts them on.] OK, now what?

Inner Voice- Check your phone to see where you are, dumbass.

There is no need for name calling, dick cheese. [pulls out phone and checks the map] I am in Utica for some reason.

Inner Voice- Man, you must’ve gone to a dark place last night if you ended up in Utica. What else?

Well, I have no new text message notifications, that’s probably a good thing. Let’s just see if I tweeted anything stupid- Oh God…

Inner voice- What did you do?

I didn’t tweet anything, but #UticaOhio and #ColumbusZooMissingElephant are both trending worldwide on Twitter.

Inner Voice- I think it’s safe to say that you had a hand in that.

Yep. So what should I do now?

Inner Voice- Is there anything else on your phone that could help?

Not really. Just a few pictures of me riding the elephant and me stealing the elephant.

Inner Voice- OK. Delete those off of your phone.

But I have proof that I rode an elephant!

Inner Voice- But it’s also incriminating evidence. Delete them.

You’re no fun. [deletes the pictures and stomps off]

Inner Voice- I don’t know where you’re going, but if you’re trying to get away from me, it’s not going to work. I’m in your head, remember.

Damn you.

Inner Voice- Look, I’m trying to help you. If you don’t want my help, I’ll leave and then you can figure this out all on your own. Do you want that?

Kind of.

Inner Voice- Well, unfortunately for both of us that isn’t an option. Now, what do you remember before you blacked out last night.

I remember being excited about something. It was something that I knew was going to be epic. I assume that’s the elephant larceny part, but I also remember being very hungry. I think I had been fasting for days to lead up to what I was about to do. I was driving somewhere, not in the direction of the zoo though, and I remember saying to myself, “my nipples are hard just thinking about what is going to happen tonight!” I don’t remember what I was referring to. [gasps] you don’t think I was going to fuck the elephant, do you?

Inner Voice- Well, I didn’t but now I do. C’mon, there must have been something you missed. Did you check all your pockets?

No, but I never put anything in this back one [feels inside left back pocket, pulls out a balled up piece of paper.]

Inner Voice- What is that?

Well, I’ve only had two seconds to look at it, but I think it’s safe to say that this is a treasure map.

Inner Voice- It doesn’t look like a treasure map to me…

I was being sarcastic, you asshole! [grumbles as he flattens out the square piece of paper and all across it are strange markings written at 45 degree angles.] I think I know that this is! This is a code! You have to fold the paper the right way to figure out the message!

Paper Code 1

Inner voice- That’s pretty clever, actually.

Yeah, and I only did it with the half of my brain that isn’t a total dick all the time! [begins folding the paper.]

Brings the four corners together and the message reads:

“Minigan, if you are reading this, you’re in deep shit./ you stole an elephant and rode it to Utica.”

Paper code 2

Folding the new corners to the center on the other side created the sentences:

“You assaulted a police officer with a nail gun./ Your face was hidden by a Taco Bell Bag.’

Paper Code 3

Folding in the corners one more time revealed the words: “Find Della. She’ll Help.”

Paper Code 4

Then, reversing the folds showed: “God Speed”

Paper Code 5

Della! Of Course! She lives in Utica! [pulls out phone and goes to text Della]

Oh crap.

Inner Voice- What now?

Apparently Della and I had a texting conversation last night. She’s a little pissed at me.

Della and I have a great relationship.

Della and I have a great relationship.

Inner Voice- This is good!

How is this good?

Inner Voice- Well, she’ll have to know what all happened last night, and she’s probably so mad at you that she won’t even be able to come up with a lie!

You’re right! But I’m sure she’s getting a good laugh about all of this now anyway. [calls up Della. When she answers, he says in the “I know you’re mad at me tone”] Hi.

Della- You’re a sociopathic bastard, Minigan, you know that?

Kind of. But what exactly did I do this time?

Della- Really? Really?! You broke into our house last night with a bag full of Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Tacos from Taco Bell, and made us watch as you ate all ten of them. You then started spazzing out and fell to the floor. You crawled to the garbage can and began to shovel whatever was in there into your mouth while muttering what sounded like incantations to summon the Dark One. Matt and I tried to pull you away, but you were too strong. But after about a minute you finished eating, jumped up and sprinted out the door while screaming that you were king of the Wellypants, which now I have figured you meant “elephants” since you went straight from my house to the Columbus Zoo so that you could release a female African elephant and ride her down the highway. Matt wanted to stop you, but I convinced him that you weren’t worth it. We decided to go to bed, and just as I’m about to fall asleep, we get a call that you had stolen the elephant and had attacked a police officer with a nail gun. Seriously, what the hell is wrong with you?

So you’re saying that I actually ate garbage?

Della- I cannot believe that is the only thing that you got from that story.

[Ignoring Della] You hear that Inner voice? I didn’t eat Arby’s after all!

Inner Voice- Thank God.

Della- Who are you talking to?

Just my inner voice

Della- You really have lost your mind, haven’t you?

Probably. So… Do you think you could come and pick me up?

Advertisements

Newark Campus Legends: My Maybe Lesbian Professor

WordPress! I missed you! I assume you didn’t miss me because of the combination of the facts that you are a metaphysical inanimate object and I am an asshole.

Yep, that about sums me up.And my readers! If you are reading this, you probably forgot all about me. I’m sorry it has been so long. NaNoWriMo and school have been kicking my ass. Oh, and as for NaNo, I failed. Miserably. I was pissed off at myself for not finishing, but oh well. NEXT YEAR!

Any way I did complete some type of writing thingy this past month. Currently I am writing another blog that I hope to have finished next week. If you love Cracked.com articles, you are going to be disappointed when you realize that the upcoming blog is a cheap bastardization of their patented listing techniques. Also I wrote a poem called Sensing My Apocalypse. It is probably one of the best poems I have ever written. I even have it laminated at the Writer’s Studio! I am planning on submitting it to Taproot this year, but I will let you guys read it too. Here it is.

Sensing my Apocalypse

Have you ever heard a dead man’s voice?

That changed words’ meanings, killed your choice

Have you ever looked into a dead man’s eyes?

Old cold tombs, sealing past lies

Have you ever stared at a dead man’s face?

Once preaching the superiority of his own race

Have you ever held a dead man’s hand?

Which brought drought and plagues to this land

Have you been cradled by a dead man’s arms?

Who falsely promised no future harm

Have you felt the beat of a dead man’s heart?

Who tricked, and ripped, and stole other’s art

Have you ever smelled a dead man’s breath?

Rotted teeth tell tales of meth

Have you ever tasted a dead man’s lips?

His twisted smile, sensing my apocalypse

 

For I have heard his whisper and seen his silhouette

He left his mark that I shall never forget

For I have felt his touch and smelled his stink

Putrid revelations make me fear to think

For I have tasted his hair and licked his skin

For I am dead too, I am man, I am sin

 

Wasn't that poem upbeat kids!

I would like to point out that this poem is mine. I wrote it, and if I find out any of you stole it, I will castrate you (ladies, I will do the female form of a circumcision on you.)

Well on that bright note, on to the blog.

In October I spun a yarn about a legend on the Campus of OSUN. Mr. Sturger vs Ms. Slope. Well I have another. This one happened my Freshman year of College. I was so naive back then [reminiscing while the song “Good Riddance(Time of Your Life)” plays] that was back when I didn’t think any of my friends would betray me, but this is not about that. No, no. This is about my maybe Lesbian Professor. I had written these down in facebook notes. I will put them together for you, my readers. And I will keep them they way that I had written them (sans grammatical errors). The entries  span most of my first quarter in college, so  not only was my writing not developed as well as it is today, my jokes are probably corny and most likely for shock laughs. I apologize in advance for that.

Well without further ado, Newark Campus Legends: My Maybe Lesbian Professor.

My Maybe Lesbian Teacher [Part 1]

Friday, September 29, 2006 at 4:11pm

On Tuesdays and Thursdays, Vanessa Landolfo, Dana Dehays, and I have a class (im not saying which one*) at 7:45 in the morning. Our professor is nice but is funny, Ya Know Funny. She as this short bowl hair cut and wears weird clothes. For instance on Thursday the 28th, she walked into the class room wearing a blue Asian shirt. Ya know, the kind of shirts that middle class white boys wear. Also she said that her “Partner” takes a lot of pictures of her cat. She also said that she was getting divorced and that it shocked her. Now she maybe married to a man, or maybe a woman. But I have a theory, she either thinks of her partner as her spouse, or they went to a state where gay marriage is legal. Now these arguments do not automatically mean she is a lesbian, but Dehays and I will keep you posted.

* I just want to point out that I am a recovering retard and that I did mention what class it was. So hooray Freshman me and my stupidity!

My Maybe Lesbian Teacher- Part 2

Saturday, October 14, 2006 at 11:15pm

For every one who wants to know if my teacher is a lesbian or not, I’ve got news for you! our teacher is… actually we do not know. But Dehays was talking about it to a girl named Abbey Scherer in our English class. Abbey Scherer is actually in the sociology class after us. One day our teacher was late to their class, and everyone was talking when one person said, “Hey do you think our professor is a lesbian?” This question of a professor’s sexual preferance sparked chatter about the classroom. The entire class decided that one day they would ask her. One day (in the other class), at the end of class our professor asked, “Are there any questions?” One kid stood up and asked the class, “Should I ask her?” the class said no. So just like I did last time I left you with no answers, sorry, but eventually we will answer this question that has plagued Sociology classes since at least this quarter. One day, one day…

My Maybe Lesbian Teacher- Part 3

Saturday, October 21, 2006 at 10:43pm

Well everybody it comes to this number 3 out of ? part series about the age old question: Is my teacher a lesbian, or is she just very odd? Well I have got news for you…No, we did not find out whether or not she likes to munch rug, but we have two more things that will confuse and probably annoy you. My friend, Abbey Scherer has given me some interesting information about her class on Thursday. Apparently, in her class, our teacher told them that she had a boyfriend in college. Abbey also told me that the professor said that she also read a book about homosexual relationships. Now I gave you two new pieces of information, but still no answers. I will leave everybody deciding at least one more time, and the notes will continue.

My Maybe Lesbian Teacher- Part 4

Tuesday, November 14, 2006 at 12:05am

Everybody, I have news for you!!!!!
My teacher is a Lesbian…No not the one Dana Dehays, Abbey Sherer, and I were wondering about. No, but another Professor. Last week she made a comment about being a lesbian, I just thought it was a joke, but Dana and Abbey asked her and she said that she was. Today she mentioned her partner and Nichole Susi and I decided that she most likely was. The odd thing about this is that she doesn’t fit into the lesbian stereotype, she is attractive. Anyway sorry that I do not know if our professor that I have been describing is or not but I will let you know.

My Maybe Lesbian Teacher- Part 5

Wednesday, December 6, 2006 at 12:39am

After ten fucking weeks of wondering, you, me, and the rest of the world will finally know the answer of the question: Does my teacher like the ladies or the fellas? The answer is… she is in fact a dyke. I will let you soak in the answer for a few seconds, because I know this must be earth shattering for you. ……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………… Dehays has recently found a book that my teacher had written named, “We’re Here! We’re Queer! Get Used to Us!” Not only that, whenever we would do activities about discrimination she would use discrimination of homosexuals before discrimination of women or blacks.
So I hope everyone who has enjoyed these notes of mine will continue to read about my wacky adventures. And I thank you for being so patient. I would also like to thank Dana Dehays, Abbey Scherer, Vanessa Landolfo, and Nichole Susi for allowing me to mention them in my notes, and both

my teachers for letting me write about them.*

*I did have a picture to go along with the conclusion, but people smarter

than I suggested I take it down in case the professor ever read this. In lue of that, I will give you this artist’s rendition instead.

Peace

Oh, and looking back over those entries, I think it was kind of obvious that she was a lesbian. This blog post will be a testament to how naive I was back then.

  • I am this popular!

    • 94,984 hits
  • Blast from the Past!

    October 2017
    S M T W T F S
    « Mar    
    1234567
    891011121314
    15161718192021
    22232425262728
    293031  
  • The Vault