The American Douchebag’s Guide to America: Pittsburgh

Pittsburgh n’at


Pittsburgh was settled in a valley where the Allegheny and Monongahela rivers meet to form the Ohio. This area was originally settled by groups of Hopewell and Adena Indians, along with many others who didn’t steal their names from buildings on OSU-Newark’s campus including Iroquis and Shawnee. During the 1750s, The French forced the British out of the fort they built there, and built Fort Duquesne. However, the French eventually did what the French do best, and  let the British force them out and built Fort Pitt in Duquesne’s place.

Over the next century, Pittsburgh became a large steel producing town. This became important during the Civil War because of the production of weapons. By 1911 Pittsburgh was producing up to half of the nation’s steel. However, over the years the steel mills closed, leaving Pittsburgh a polluted shell of its formal self.

Now a days, However, Pittsburgh has been making a small comeback. During the late 2000s recession, Pittsburgh was adding jobs and their property value was rising. Way to make the rest of the country look bad, Pittsburgh.

Initial Thoughts

For the initial thoughts, you really need to know what it’s like to drive into Pittsburgh, particularly through the Fort Pitt tunnels. You enter the tunnels from one side of a mountain, nothing but concrete, other cars and your fear of cramped spaces around you. And the more you reach the other side, the easier it is for you to breathe. And when you finally come out the other side, this is what you see:

So, seeing as though that was the image I saw when I entered Pittsburgh, these were my initial thoughts:

“Wow! I’m back! And look at that view! There’s The Point, and over there is The US Steel building. Oh, and that stadium across the river is the one Bane blew up in The Dark Knight Rises. This place has mad History all over it. You better be ready for me, Pittsburgh, cause I’m coming for you harder than if I could ejaculate cinderblocks.”


Usually when I’m in Pittsburgh, I stay in the house I grew up in, but I once stayed in a hotel, so I’ll talk about both.

My old house is incredibly exclusive. You either have to be related to the current residents or at least close friends to them. Unfortunately, this exclusivity does not translate into high class. It was cramped. I slept on a futon. Most of the outlets were outdated and didn’t have the third hole. But on the bright side, the meals were free and they had free wifi. I wish that could make me forget about the insults thrown at me by the staff there, but it cannot. My blog does entertain people, dad. You wouldn’t know because you don’t read it. I AM DOING THINGS WITH MY LIFE! REALLY IMPORTANT THINGS THAT WILL MAKE ME A RESPECTABLE AUTHOR! GET OFF MY BACK!!!

The hotel I stayed in back in 2009 was much schmaltzier than my old house. Here’s a pic that will give you a good idea of how awesome it was.

Get out of the way, Aaron!

If you look at the lower left corner, you’ll notice the armrest of our couch. Then if you look to the right of Aaron, who is the guy clearly ruining this picture, you’ll see the TV. If you look further in the background, you’ll notice that past the barrier are out beds. Yes. Our TV could swivel so that you could either sit on the couch OR lay on the bed and watch it. There is a god, and he wants us to be happy.


Other than the aforementioned stadium that Bane destroyed, Pittsburgh has a lot of attractions for different members of the family. Kennywood is Pittsburgh’s amusement park and has some of the most historic and exciting rides in the country. Sandcastle is their waterpark, which is pretty run of the mill. You know, water slides and stuff. Pittsburgh is also home to the national aviary, which is essentially one of the more boring parts of normal zoos, just in its own location. If you like heights, go up the famous Pittsburgh Incline and look out at Pittsburgh from the best view in the city. If you’re into Hogwartsian style buildings, go to the Cathedral of learning at the University of Pittsburgh. Only a couple of blocks away is Pittsburgh’s museum of modern art. And last but not least, for you alcoholics, you will want to head over to Station Square and the Southside, where you will find some booze.

Looking down the Pittsburgh Incline

Pittsburgh Skyline from the Incline

University of Pittsburgh’s Cathedral of Learning

Well, that’s kind of fucked up, University of Pittsburgh.



There is a few foods that are Pittsburgh specific: gravy on French fries, city chicken (which isn’t actually chicken because Pittsburgers are weird), but the quintessential Pittsburgh food is, without a doubt, a Primanti Brother’s sandwich.

For those of you who don’t know, a Primanti Brother’s sandwich is what happens when the cook loses his shit and starts throwing all the food onto a plate with his hands. A normal Primanti’s sandwich starts off normally with some meat and some cheese, maybe even a couple slices of tomato. But then the meal makes a sharp left and starts driving erratically down crazy street. The sandwich also has French fries and coleslaw piled on, and the cook only cuts one slice of bread in half.  I didn’t take a picture of my sandwich because I am not an annoying girl on your Facebook homepage, but here is an image from Primanti’s website:

My sandwich was a turkey and cheese, minus the tomato. After I did my best to tear through the meat, fries, and full slice of bread, I finally got to take a bite. It was amazing. The coleslaw was sweet, yet tangy. The turkey and cheese was savory and warm enough to be comforting on a cold day. The fries in all their starchy goodness acted as a balance between the coleslaw and the turkey. Normally, the coleslaw would over power the turkey, but the fries muted the coleslaw’s flavor and helped bring out the turkey and cheese favors. By the end, I wasn’t eating a sandwich so much as a ball of delicious, greasy goodness. Why Primanti’s has not expanded to other parts of the country is a mystery to me.


Yeungling. If you’re in Pittsburgh and you like beer, that is what you have to drink. I mean, sure, Pittsburgh has other beers: Rolling Rock, Iron City Beer, probably others.  Yeungling, however,  is the best. However, If you want to go against my always right opinions, then go ahead and drink an Iron City (Rolling Rock is now a national brand, so it doesn’t count). If you do choose Iron City, then you need to either drink it in their iron bottle or in a regular can. The iron can changes the flavor of the beer, but I cannot remember which one tastes better. But it’s not like it matters anyway; you aren’t even considering drinking Yeungling like I suggested, so why would you take my Iron City beverage container advice. Seriously, the whole point of a travel blog is to listen to my experiences and heed my advice. But whatever. Don’t listen to me, but don’t come crying to me when you realize that Iron City or Rolling Rock isn’t the greatest beer ever, you ungrateful bastards.


The first thing you need to understand about Pittsburgers is that they have their own accent. Well, actually, it’s not so much an accent as it is a dialect. If I were to describe it, I’d say that it’s somewhere between Midwesterner and Appalachian Hills people. Watch the first few minutes of this video to get an idea of what Pittsburghese sounds like:

Having introduced Yinz to how people talk in an around dahntahn Pittsburgh, let’s talk about the locals n’at.

The people there, are awesome. Granted, I know people there, and I got to hang out with them, but still, they’re amazing. For instance, here are my friends Julian and Danielle enjoying a nice dinner with me in Forest Hills:

They were pretty excited to see me.

Then here’s Dan Miller at the Primanti’s after we got done watching The Dark Knight Rises. He was pretty excited to see me:

-totally what Dan said

Then of course I got to hang out with the Newlyweds Julie and Mark Lechliter and their gang of crazy friends. I’ll give you a hint of how this played out.

Minigan- Julie!!!!


Julie- Oh Jesus…

Minigan-Ha ha! No, it’s Minigan!  I know, I know, my hair has gotten long, and I do look miraculous, but it’s just me. Plain old Minigan Blackwood: Doctor of Awesome.

Julie- No, Minigan, I know who you are. I’m just surprised to see you back here after they told you not to come back after that last time.

Minigan- Laws don’t apply to me, baby. You should know that. And besides, I left the Slappin’ Dick Machine with my friend Della, so it’s totally cool that I’m here to celebrate your Birthday!

Julie- Well, as long as you’ve found someone that’s willing to keep after it and you didn’t bring it back here…

Minigan- Oh yeah, Della totally has it under control. We’re mentally linked, so it will probably listen to her.


Mark- [rushes up to Julie, not noticing Minigan] Julie, we need to get out of here, now. Apparently Minigan found out that we’re going to be here tonight and [now noticing Minigan] Holy Shit! Minigan! How did they let you back in PA?!

Minigan- “Let” isn’t the right word. It was more like I “forced” my way back into Pennsylvania.

Julie- We aren’t going to be arrested by talking to you right now, are we?

Minigan- Not unless you call the cops.

Mark- And if we do call the cops?

Minigan- if you do call the cops, I’ll just show them the proof that you smuggled me into PA.

Mark- What proof do you have?!

Minigan- When have I ever let that stop me before? [throws his hands up defensively] But look, I’m not here to send anyone to prison this time. All I want to do is Party with you guys for Julie’s birthday. Now, let’s do some shots. [runs off to find a bartender]

Julie-[calling after Minigan] Wait, Minigan! I can’t drink; I’m pregnant!

[Minigan came back with a tray of shots, the waitress he took the shots from silently weeping into her hands.]

Minigan- I got us the drinks! Julie, the orange juice is for you because you’re on your period or whatever you said.

Julie- Thanks, I guess…

Minigan- To Julie for her birthday, and for both of you wonderful bastards for getting married![they each do a shot. Minigan does two.]

Mark- [once his face returned to normal after the shot] so how did you get kicked out of PA, Minigan?

Minigan- Well, I created a machine that had a spinning wheel of dildos that  started trying to kill people. You know, it was a whole thing. I’ve put that behind me. Like a month behind me.

Slappin’ Dick- Machine- [comes in looking like a Wall-E with a hat of dildos, waving its newly attached robotic arms frantically and hitting people as it passed. It’s voice came from a Speak and Say attached to its backside. It yells] Minigan! Della is the worst human ever. All she does is insult everyone and throw things at me. It’s horrible.

Minigan- Yeah, she’s an awful, awful person.

Mark and Julie- [simultaneously] What’s wrong with people in Ohio?

Minigan- It’s really just Della. She is just a terrible person. [Mark and Julie say nothing, just look at each other. Minigan turns to the Slappin’ Dick-Machine and says] OK, SDM, which is what I’m going to call you for now on. I’ll let you stay with me and not with Della on two conditions: You cannot try to kill all humans and you must do everything I say. Do you understand?

SDM- I understand. What do you need, master?

Minigan- First, I like the whole “master” thing. Keep up with that. Secondly, go get me a drink.

SDM- Yes, Master. [SDM rolls off, attacks a waitress holding a beer and grabs it before she drops it, and rushes back to me] Here you are, Master.

Minigan-[takes the drink turns to Julie and Mark and says] And that’s how you train your murderbot.

And then we all partied and had a great time.

Overall Atmosphere

Now, I may be biased since I grew up in that city, but the atmosphere of the ‘Burgh is definitely welcoming, and friendly. Even though all of the people I talked to were people that I have known most of my life, the people there act like they’ve always known you. It is, simply put, an amazing  city.


My Friends and How They Worship Me: Julie

I need a fucking vacation. Seriously. I am becoming more and more of an asshole than what  I usually am. Jerry Harper, other nameless goons at Geagle, and the folks at the Writer’s Studio can attest to this. I have begun to tell people off at Geagle when they are not doing there job, and from what I’ve seen, Annie is probably the worst. I do not normally condone violence against women, but on Wednesdays, after I’ve gone to class and had an intense workout at the gym, and then I have to bust my ass at Geagle while that bitch stands around and talks,  makes me want to bludgeon her face with a sack of canned goods.

And then there’s the Writer’s Studio. I only have to walk in there carrying a gas can and Misty’s food (because I’m her bitch and I have anger issues) and I instantly have a headache that only being a douchebag can cure.

This is why I need a vacation. I haven’t had a break school wise since the second term of summer quarter last year. I’ve been working too hard for too long (insert dick joke here) for this shit. So yes, I need to get away. Definitely out of this state, and not to Pennsylvania. I’m thinking Florida- Universal is opening the new Harry Potter theme park, and I must see it. But the worst part is, I cannot stop until late August, when I am done with summer classes. Although this is bad news for me, this is even worse news for my friends, because it means I am going to be acting like this for another 3 months. Sorry everybody.

But while we are on the subject of friends-



Ah, my friends, Where would I be without them? You know what, I’ll just tell you. I would be out in the forest, living in a hut, and feasting off of raccoon carcasses, that’s where. Despite how much you bastards annoy me (Misty), how little we talk (Ashley), and how it seems like you are actively trying to not hang out with me (Jimmy), I fucking love/ begrudgingly need you people. This time around, I am going to tell you about my friend Julie.

This was the most flattering picture of Julie that I have

Here are some fun facts about Julie Sisley:

  • Well, she’s all you’d ever want
  • She’s the kind you’d like to flaunt and take to dinner
  • Well, she always knows her place
  • She’s got style
  • She’s got grace
  • She’s a winner
  • She’s a Lady, Woah, Woah, Woah, she’s a lady
  • I’m talkin’ about that little lady
  • And the Lady is mine…
  • Actually, she is engaged to my life-long friend Mark Lechliter
  • She is a hardcore band nerd. If she says “This one time at Band Camp…” turn and run as fast as you can, because the story she is about to tell you is going to scar you for life.
  • Out of all my PA friends, I talk to and see her the most often.
  • She has a filthy mind, but that is no surprise because if she didn’t then why would I hang out with her?
  • She tells me that she loves me and how hot I am on a fairly regular basis
  • She goes to IUP, which is the same college my parents graduated from.

Julie, like all things awesome, did not come from Ohio. Suck on that, Ohio friends! The great thing about Julie is that she in one of those friends I can always trust to be my friend. I’m not saying that I don’t trust my other friends (even though I don’t), but Julie is one of those friends that would lie to a judge for me. That’s friendship.

I first met Julie my sophomore year in high school. She said that she said “hi” to me the year before, but I ignored her. I don’t remember this at all, so I think it is safe to assume that this is a lie.

Anyway, Julie and I became fast friends via marching band, and we basically raised Hell during band competitions- not drinking an entire bottle of vodka on the bus and having to be life flighted out (that did happen to a color-guard girl once) but Hell none the less. And If you have ever heard one of my “It is A Wonderful World” CDs, then you can thank Julie for supporting the idea.

Now a days, I only see her about once a year, and we talk on facebook once every few months. However when we do talk, it is always interesting. Here is one of those conversations:

Julie always gets creeped out when i call her Fergalicious

Julie, you need to do me a favor

what’s up

where are you?

Not sure

I’m worried for you


you are not sure where you are

anyway, walk up the person that is nearest to you and take off your pants

Yeah well Brian got mad or something so I went after him

oh, what did you do?

I’m still out looking for him

you’re a good fiance

also a bit dick whipped, but a good fiance none the less

I know

I’m probs one of the best in the world.

I dunno, I’ve had some awesome ones

ha ha ha ha ha

i’m just kidding

I’m all alone…

oh, now I’m sad

Whenever I’m all alone I like to sing into a hairbrush

whenever i’m alone i talk as if other people are in the room

Yes! My ideas need to be heard by all those in attendance!!

Exactly! I go on these philosophical rants that can get pretty deep! I also try to explain my self which isn’t so deep as it is plain disturbing

Especially when you can’t understand the point!

Yes! sometimes I forget why I started talking to these imaginary people, and then I get confused and scared.

Anyway, we all start making out and one thing leads to another and I wake up pregnant….that’s the worst.

That’s happened to me, like, 5 times. waking up pregnant only once, but it turned out to be indigestion. Funny how that works.


I know! I swear, their new recipe must have hallucinogens in the cheese! I had some yesterday, and my face started to melt!

I almost threw up last night becuase of Dominos pizza

did you eat too much or was it the God awful taste?

Perhaps a combination of both

tru dat

well, I gotta go to bed



Nice to meet you!

Nice to meet you to!

Merry Christmas!

We’ll have sex later


I love you

I mean the movie


I love you man

ha ha, I’m going to hold you up to that promise of sex

and I love you too, foxy lady



cus i am a foxy lady

yes, that’s why I said it

ok, I’ll leave you alone now. good night.

haha goodnight

Julie then contacted me and let me know that she was not the one messaging me. This next part it actually between Julie and myself


Hey… that was my friend dan.. what’s up?


ha ha ha ha, was that really?

because that was the weirdest conversation that I have ever had

now I’m a little dissappointed that it wasn’t with you


hahaha well, I’m pretty durnk so that may have happened with me but it didn’t


I do believe my convos are for all


who is this dan person?

I want to”friend” him


haha Dan Drumm


tell him to accept my friend request or face the consequences


haha he’s in his bed

I went and checked and accidentally saw his nipples

Minigan- 12:45am

oh jeez, well at least you did not see he cock or balls



and I’m not dick whipppppped


but that would have made for an awkward breakfast conversation


haha not with my friends

awkward shit pretty much explains our lives


mine to

do you still have the convo between me and not you up?



you hoe


you should send it to me in a message

I want to post it in my blog

Julie 12:49am

you shouddddd feel lucky that I was abl to do that


I am, I forgot to copy it into a word document

thank you


I don’t know why?






you are really drunk right now

its awesome

did you find brian?



he was on my stoooooop

where was your Brian?


I don’t have a brian

I have an Ashley




She’s in columbus with her boyfriend


she lives upstairs and is my friend

is that you?

Minigan- 12:54am

No, I’m Minigan. Not Ashley


I know! I mean is her boyfriend you

you can teach me grammar tomorrow


and maybe math too


oh, no. She is my best friend out here though. And I will teach you grammar


tell her I love her for being your friend since I can’t be there


I don’t know math so, I don’t know how that will turn out




I will


Me neither

and I have a math final tomorrow


aww that sucks

I’m sorry

but at least its a final

I have a midterm next week

Julie- 12:56am

yeah but you have trimesterrrrs


no quarters


same thing

in my head at least


Are you on twitttttter?



Obviously, she was pissed that I didn’t and she promptly ended the conversation. What a bitch. I also think it is weird that Julie, someone who has never seen me or Ashley together, assumed that we were dating. We get that a lot. It’s kind of funny.

Here are some of the Motivational Posters that feature Miss Sisley:

Good night and Good luck, because I am 2 seconds from going ape-shit on all you guys.

I Think I might be A Robot From The Future

You thought I was kidding you with that whole “You need to read this so that you can protect yourselves” comment I put on my facebook page, didn’t you? Well no, I’m serious. I think there is a good possibility that I am a robot sent from the future. Here is how I stumbled upon this revelation:

I was at the gym Wednesday, Feb 17 after I got off of work, and in between one of the sets of military press or preacher curls (I cannot remember which one), I had this thought. What if there are some people who aren’t people, but robots sent from the future. My paranoia reared its ugly head, and I suspiciously watched everyone at the gym to see any of the tail tale signs like, having a metal skeleton, being ridiculously strong, spouting off catchy one liners. I did not see any of that (one dude did bench press 815, but that was later, and was probably due to some combination of steroids and witchcraft). I then realized that most of the people at the gym that day were people who I don’t usually work out around. My paranoia increased. Realizing that there is a good chance that one of these people are possibly cyborgs sent back in time to do God knows what, I decided to figure out if the person I knew best at the gym at that time was one of the aforementioned cyborgs. As it turns out, the only person I knew well enough for this to work was the one owner, Dustin. As I sat and looked back to our interactions to see if I could find any evidence of him being a robot from the future, I realized that I don’t know him well enough to make that judgment. I decided that I would have to talk to the other owner, Cory about it. That is when it hit me: they have known each other forever. And even if they didn’t, Cory probably still knows someone who had known Dustin since childhood.

I took another look around the room. Everyone there was an Ohioan. Not one Pennsylvanian (that I know of) in sight. My heart sank. No one in Ohio ever met me before 2004. None of them have ever met any of my PA friends, and only a few have met my family. Upon thinking of all of this, I came to the completely rational and 100% sane conclusion that I must be a robot from the future.

If you regularly read my blog, you probably know that I was born and raised in Pittsburgh PA. However, most of you probably are people that I know from Ohio, so you do not know anyone that knew me from before 2004. Isn’t that highly suspect to anyone else. Sure one look at my facebook profile will tell you that I know people in Pennsylvania, but what if those people aren’t real; that their profiles are just an elaborate rouse. If you don’t believe that a fake facebook profile is possible, then look for Evan Meyer. His profile picture should look like this:

I put Evan’s profile together last year, because I was thinking I could be kicked off of facebook for  making a joke at someone who could not take a joke. After I realized that I was safe, I decided to fuck with some Hu-mons. I started friending my friends through him, and carrying on conversations with some of them. Basically, I fucked with everybody’s minds. Then, I quickly lost interest.

Secondly, As have mentioned in Awesomesquad Assemble 3!, I gain superpowers when I get tipsy.  Well, superpowers may be overstating it, but I do become good at things when I get drunk. If you do not know where I am going with this, you obviously are not a fan of Futurama. In the Cultish cartoon show, all of the robots are fueled by alcohol consumption. Oh, and did I mention that the show takes place in the year 3000, as in the FUTURE!!! That’s right, I share similar characteristics with Bender.

Thirdly, I do not fear death. I say that with not 100% confidence, because  I feel that you will never know if you truly  do not fear death until someone puts a gun against your head, and that has not happened to me… yet. However, this past Friday as I was driving home from Newark from work, I decided against my better judgment to take Watkins road. It had been snowing all day, but in some spots the roads were not bad. But when I get to the section of the road that has open fields on either side, the snow had covered the road completely. I started to slow down, but not fast enough, as some douchebag was coming at me while driving in the middle of the fucking road. I did my best to get as far to the right as possible, which I did a good job of doing, seeing as though I hit some snow, swerved, spun, and got stuck in a snow embankment. The thought that was going through my mind was not “I don’t want to die!” but “Great, now I am going to have to deal with this shit.” Am I dumb? Do I miss the point easily? Do I have balls so big that they make Zeus piss drunk with jealosy? Or do I subconsciously know that I cannot be hurt by a measly car accident? The answer to all of those questions is “Probably.”

(Something off topic, but weird none the less. I was listening to the song “Make You Feel Better” by Red Hot Chili Peppers before the whole losing control of my car thing happened. That is not so weird, until you take into account how I thought it would be funny if I got into a really bad car accident while the song was playing, and before I passed out I heard the guitar at the end of the song which sounds like someone has flatlined.)

Now, of course this seems farfetched, and there are a lot of questions that are left unanswered by this idea. I will attempt to theorize these questions now:

  1. Why do I bleed when I get cut?

This is a difficult question to answer, but I will begin to theorize by asking another question: What year in the future was I invented? Because of how rapidly the technology is advancing, we can be fairly sure where we as a society will be in fifty or even one hundred years from now. For instance, computer software is becoming so advanced that it is theorized that by 2050 (and by some accounts 2030) there will be robots with artificial intelligence. Of course, the robots will probably not look like this:

You’re probably not even reading this.

But instead, look more like this:


What I am trying to say is that even though we are fairly close to seeing AI in robots, It is going to be much longer before they start to look exactly like Hu-mons. With that in mind, for the people of the future to make a robot that completely blend with the Hu-mon race and even bleed Hu-mon blood from gradually healing wounds will take a lot of time to perfect. Probably just as much time as figuring out how to send something back in time.

2. What about the memories about my childhood?

This question is an easy one. All of my memories prior to 2004 have been implanted to my mind by the scientists who sent me back in time. As for the pictures in my house that match up with those memories, obvious fabrications. We are talking about people from the future, these people were going to spend the billions of dollars to build me, and send me to the past. Do you think they were just going to send me back here and not give me a credible back story? Fuck you, they wouldn’t. They must have spent years researching and developing so even the most minute detail would be covered. But this leads to…

3.What about all of the people on facebook that I am friends with?

As I have previously mentioned, it is possible that everyone I know from PA exists only on Facebook, and Myspace (even though Myspace probably doesn’t exist anymore). But how does their profiles and all of those pictures of me with them exist?  Because they are Hu-mon, and I have hung out with them.  Did that just fuck your mind? It should have.

My theory behind my PA friends is basically a conspiracy theory. Some unknown Company (that we will call Mystery Corp. for now on) is attempting to make a robot with AI. But they also have an entire sector that is dedicated to making his background history as detailed as possible. But since I am so advanced that modern technology could not have possibly created me, they have set up everything in the hopes that at some point in the future, I will be completed and sent back to the specified time (August 2004- the month that I “moved here”) and begin the relationships that I believe I have had for most of my life. But if they are just Hu-mons working only to keep consistency, then…

4. What about my trips to PA?

What I think happens is that I am transported to the research facility that the company owns. In there, Im put on the people that pose as my PA friends and we get our pictures taken together. They are so detailed, that they even have friends of friends in the pictures. After that, they update my software and my objectives. They cannot cut me open seeing as though they gave me skin that is made up of a bionic material that actually bleeds, so they just tattoo the information onto me. I don’t know how it works exactly, but I’m just the robot, How the fuck should I know? At the end of session, They erase my memory of the entire event and then impant the new memories, probably by putting something in my Gatorade.

5. What about my younger sister and mother

They are obviously hired actresses that are supposed to make my life seem credible. However, they could also be robots from the future.

6. Why do I eat- a lot?

They have me eat merely to put up the front that I am a Hu-mon. If you have ever seen me eat, you will notice that not only do I eat a lot, but it seems to have no effect on me. I do not gain weight. This could be because of my metabolism, but it could also be because I am nothing but wires and computers on the inside; the food is merely stored in my body until expels it-undigested- out of my robo-anus. Also, Hu-mons use food for energy, but anyone who has seen me after I am done eating knows that I will remain groggy, if not become more so. “Why is this,”  you ask? Wait, you didn’t ask? Well, too bad. I’m answering anyway. This is because, It takes more energy for robots to act like they are eating and digesting than for Hu-mons to actually eat and digest food. This, of course leads to the question, why did they not just make food, not alcohol, my fuel. This is probably because alcohol is more convienent, or because my inventors were mildly retarded.

7. Why do I feel pain?

This question has two possible answers: 1. That Mystery Corp. needed to make me so lifelike that not only would I react to pain, but I would learn from it, and gain empathy, and 2. Because they are all a bunch of sick bastards. Seeing as though I have bad knees and a messed up wrist, both of which cause a nagging pain regularly, I am going with the latter explanation.

Of course, I do not have all the answers,  and I know I never will, but these three questions are bothering the Hell out of me.

  1. Why do I have to work out to get stronger?

I of all cyborgs should know about the whole continuity thing, being a fiction writer and all. Not to mention that was my excuse for many of the questions I posed above. But this one bothers me because it seems to be very counterproductive. I spend a minimum of six hours each week busting my ass at the gym, just to get stonger. That is such a waste of my robo-time. Don’t get me wrong: I love working out, and I plan on continuing to work out either until I die, or become crippled due the excessive amount of weight I will be attempting to lift falling upon me (that, of course won’t happen because my skeleton is made out of a low density titanium). It seems like it would just make more sense if they would have designed me to be muscular in the first place.

Part of me wants to argue that because working out is not just about getting results. No, half the fun of a vacation is the trip itself. This is why I do not take steroids. Sure I could take the easy way out, but to me that seems like a copout. Working out is not supposed to be easy. It has “work” right in the word. I guess we would all like to be fit and not have kill ourselves to get there, but at the end of the day, I would rather be technically fit and be determined enough to keep working at it, than be ripped and lazy about it.

Technically fit

However, that was present day me talking there. Me from 2004 (as in, the me when I was first built and programmed) was lazy as shit, and would have loved to have been ripped right off the bat and not do any work for it. I mean, The terminator showed up in the past all muscley, why not me Goddamnit?!

2. What is my purpose?

Speaking of the terminator, he had a purpose.  His was to protect that bratty 10 year old, John Conner. What about me? Is there some little punk ass white boy that the fate of the human race depends on that I am supposed to protect? I don’t know, and it’s fucking annoying!  As it stands right now, my only purpose in life is to get published, and if that is what I have been sent back to do, then why the fuck did they go through all of this trouble? I do not think someone who writes novels as his sole purpose for existence needs to bleed or feel pain.

Although, I could be a sleeper cell…

3. Why did they spend so much money on me, and not give me the ability to shoot flames out of my eyes?

I do not care what my objective is. I do not care how life-like I am supposed to be. I should have been built with that, STANDARD. That is all that I am saying about that. Fuck you Mystery Corp. for not giving me heat vision.

Ok, that’s all that I’ve got. I need to reboot and charge my battery packs. You Hu-mons have a good evening.

Oh, and Black History Month has been over for the past two hours. So it is ok to tell black jokes again. Here, I’ll start it off.

Lordy, Lordy, Lordy!

Q: Why did the black guy cross the road?

A: Because he thought the chicken was fried

Q: How many black people does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Only one, but every black person does it because that is what their white masters command them to do.

This next one is from T-shirt Hell:

Q: What do you get when you cross hip-hop with any other genre of music?

A: A shittier version of that other genre.

That’s it for me.

Peace (at least until I am commanded to kill you all)

The Aughts: A Requiem

Wow, this has been an amazing (stifled laugh) ten years. Just thinking of all of the 6 good things that happened this past decade just gives me goose bumps: the advent of the smart phone, the advancement of “green” technology, the death of John Ritter just to name a few. Damn, these were all amazing events in recent history. The last one, for me at least, was a bittersweet event, mainly because that asshole still owes money. I want my $3.50, Dude from Three’s company. Your passing won’t stop me from kicking your decomposing ass!

I’ve got 10 simple rules for you to go to hell, Ritter.

Hell, even this year was amazing for me. I got to go to the inauguration of Obama, I got to spend a week in an alcohol and ecstasy fueled haze in New Orleans, and I didn’t lose any friends this year. Not to mention the fact that I am labeled “sexy” by just about everyone I know now. But that is the good thing about having friends with low standards of beauty; even me, someone who is average looking by TV’s standards can be attractive if all of their friends are blind.

I could go into detail about  every single little thing that happened this year, but fuck that noise. Besides I am splitting this blog into 2 different sections the first part is going to be the 10 great events ( that happened to me in 2009, the second will be the things that most affected me in the past decade.

Something tells me this won’t be my funniest blog.

A Side: A Cheap Rip off-10 best events (for me) of 2009

10. The Metallica Concert

Now, I’ve already have written a blog about this, so I will not go into too much detail, but I will be the first person to admit that this was definitely not the best concert I’ve ever seen. The Goddamn speakers blew out in the middle of the concert! Really, what the fuck? Also, I almost got a speeding ticket (I flashed the cop my leg to try to get out of it). Turns out, he only wanted to see if I was drunk, which I wasn’t. But all that aside, It was still a great experience. The concert and the events surrounding it were, as a whole, an experience I was not used to, and even if the night wasn’t perfect, I need those imperfect days, because perfection is boring. Sexy, yet boring.

pictured: a total bore

If the day was perfect, then my brother and I would have gotten home before 2:30, and wouldn’t have gone to class at 8:00 the next morning (yea, I went to class. I think that makes me a hardcore learner). Oh, and by the way, this beat out Obama’s Inauguration only because no one at the Metallica Concert was a 6 and a half foot tall black guy who pushed himself in front of me right before  the show started.

9. Starting this blog/ my journal

This made the list simply because it finally gave me  a way to rant to the world, even if no one is willing to listen. And, It also gives me a place to rant on the subjects that piss me off, or use the jokes I’ve been itching to use. My Journal on the other hand, lets me be serious (angsty), straightforward (bitchy), and reminds me that I am not a one dimensional character, and that I am something more than a clown (pussy).

8. The PA trip

This may not be the greatest trip made this year, but this was the closest I have been able to get my PA friends to meet my OH friends. Also, Ashley, Aaron, Erin, and I came up with new names for your danger zone: boobs are Hotsie-totsies, balls are shenanigans, dick is shindig or, bo-jengles (I am lord of the shindigs at OSU and I do not want that to be interpreted the wrong way), vagina is twitter, and I cannot remember what ass is, so let’s just name it scamper-stamp. I was also inside a building that looked eerily similar to Hogwarts: The Cathedral of Learning at the University of Pittsburgh.

7. Getting my Associates Degree

Really this is nothing more than a fancy way of telling me that I am half way done with college, and that real life is going to hit me  like I’m some wife that’s really asking for it. Still, I have a degree, and I could quit if I want to, but I won’t because I am not one to give up so easily. It will be a cold day in Hell before I leave OSU forever not clutching my bachelor’s.

6. Becoming a zombie

My alter ego Zeke the Zombie was formed this year. He has proven to many people at OSU-Newark that Zombies are friendly, gentle, undead souls, that want nothing more than for people to write in a never ending story. He also freaked a bunch of people out when he started eating a Caesar salad.

5. the zombie baby purchase

This was going to just be about my Halloween party, but then I realized that the greatest part of this year’s Halloween season was one single piece of décor: the Zombie baby. This year was really the year of the Zombie. Other than the zombie baby and Zeke, there was also: my first viewing of Zombie Strippers, me reading Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, and I obtained a Zombie Apocalypse readiness kit from a co worker. Out of all those, however, the zombie baby had the greatest impact on people. We worshipped it at the STD initiation party. It was the real host of my Halloween party. All my friends loved it, and most parents I know hated it. And, AND it has made a cameo in every facebook album I have added pictures to since then.

4. New Orleans

This was a magical place where I first tried USA approved absenthe, where I got to drink in the middle of the street while  standing (laying) only 10 feet away from a cop. I laughed as an incredibly flamboyant gay man made fun of the O-H-I-O chant, and something else that I am pretty sure the parties involved would rather have forgotten by everyone on the trip. Isn’t that right, Bobby? I also did a Hell of a lot of walking in 90+ degree weather, tried gator, crawfish, and gumbo, and I copped a feel of a lady mannequin in a porn store. Overall: it was a fun trip.

3. Turning 21

This was a magical time which I discovered that I gain amazing abilities when I am just a little drunk, and that a jagerbomb should never, NEVER, be made with anything other than redbull. The Monster jagerbomb I had was terrible. I also got hit on by my sister’s best friend, who is dating my brother’s friend, and I made a terrible (and a little angry) pass at a girl from Highschool. Sorry Mande, I was drunk, and you looked especially fine that night. Call me.

2. Benching 225

Yes, this beats New Orleans and turning 21. Both of those events had large amounts of alcohol involved, and if you know anything about me, it’s that alcohol and I are good friends. Do you know what else and I are even better friends? Punishing myself at the gym. I wanted to bench press 225 last year, but I started to work out on my own, and I was much more antisocial then than I am now, so I did bench press with dumb bells instead. Well, I started working out with new people on Mondays, and after several week of trying and failing (at one point I lost control and the bar came down on my throat. I was more pissed than anything, but that’s a whole other story), I finally got it. I wrote my name up on the chalk board and felt like a mother fucking beast while doing so. Next goal : 250-bench, 325-squat, and 330- deadlift.

1. Getting published

I feel that this picture takes on a weird meaning with my aunt wearing the santa hat.

Seriously, who did not expect this? Put your name in the comments so that I can find you and beat the retarded out of you with a frying pan. Writing is what I want to do the rest of my life. I like entertaining people, I like making people laugh, and I have an reservoir of creativity that is overflowing and gushing out of my fingertips. Getting published in this decade was one of the many goals that I set in place that I never really thought would happen. And unless Yvonne Strahovski knocks on my door within the next minute and lets me make sweet, sweet love to her down by the fire, it will be the only one that I actually accomplished. I even held my first book signing this year in honor of that book. Yea, it was with my family, but fuck you. How many Goddamn pieces of writing have you gotten published?

Note: do not reply to that last comment if you are: Ashley Caggiano, April Sears, Jon Holmes, Erin Tobin, Jarod Anderson, Terry Gomes, and anyone else I know who was published in Taproot.

Side B- Things of the decade that have shaped me

I would like to make the note that the year is when I was first effected by the thing, not when it was made, started, or born.

Place- Old School Gym- 2007-present

This one shaped me both physically and emotionally. Really, that is the only place left that I am not in my comfort zone 100% of the time, and I kind of need to keep it that way. It is a gym, if I am not experiencing some type of stress, I am not doing it right. I need that place. I get along pretty well with everyone, even my former best friend, and a lot of people that I thought I would not like when I was in high school. And then there is the one owner’s workout, The Insanity Workout as I have dubbed it. When you are doing said workout, two thoughts cross your mind regularly: “I’ve got to be fucking insane to be doing this,” and “What did I do to make me so mad at myself? Let me know so that I never do that again.” I would have gone with the second one as the name, but I could not boil it down to one word and it be accurate. That workout has taught me how to work through pain way better than just working out my normal way. It also built my endurance, and it has been the only work out that I have ever done that has made me throw up and/ or pass out when I got home.

Website- T-shirt hell-2003

I think this would have been the obvious choice. I have 4 weeks’ worth of their T-shirts for Christ’s sake. This website has singlehandedly desensitized me more than South Park, Family Guy, Drawn Together, or any late night programming on HBO could ever dream. Their balls to say whatever they want, whenever they want, and they don’t give a pig- fucking shit who they piss off. That is the most pure form of comedy on the planet, folks. Making fun of everything without discrimination. In a sick, ironic kind of way, they are probably the most tolerant people on the face of this planet, because they get to vent those frustrations out to the world in funny T-shirt form. Their philosophy is “If everyone is equal, then everyone should be made fun of equally, fuck them if they cannot take a joke,” and they made that my motto, even if only by threatening me with assrape.

Viral video- Greatest freakout ever- 2009

This one video has made me question myself and humanity more than any other video I have ever seen. Did I act like that when I was a teenager? Am I a perv for enjoying this? Is this what all teenagers are like? Do I really want kids after seeing this video? Am I as crazy as this kid? Is this what every person who plays WoW is like? Where did his parents buy that magical stripping blanket? Would I attempt to sodomize myself with a remote control if I got really pissed off? The answer to most of those questions is a solid NO. I cannot even begin to think of how pissed off I would be for me to attempt to stick something up my ass to get my point across. And, even if someone did get me that mad, I would probably just take the remote (or whatever) and beat them with it.

Book- Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone-2000

I had a hard time deciding on the movie, TV show, book, and song groups for this, mainly because I wanted to keep the said medium in this decade, but I had to go against that rule for the book. Harry Potter was the book that made me like reading and pushed me towards my love of writing. The Sorcerer’s Stone showed me what I could do with all the random daydreams I had. Hell, it showed me what magic really is; It’s not the wands, broomsticks, or mythical creatures- it’s that spark of passion that we all feel inside of us. It is love, it is instinct, it is that little voice inside you that keeps you from doing something that you know that you will regret, it is the thing that makes you learn from other’s mistakes, and the mistakes you have made. Magic is the soul, the spirit, the aura if you will. It is the fuel that keeps us going even when you feel like you just want to give up and die. That is magic. The sorcerer’s Stone taught me this. But I didn’t know this until I was old enough to understand it. Now that I have become a hardcore pussy on this topic, let’s continue.

Movie- Scary Movie- 2001, 2002

I don’t know if you know this, but I love parodies. I know, I know, that revelation must be shaking the foundations of the fundamental beliefs that you base reality on. Now, I know I had seen parodies before Scary Movie, and I never saw “Scream” or “I know What you Did Last Summer” before I saw Scary Movie. But all the same, I fell in love parodies. It is because this movie, not South Park, may I repeat- NOT SOUTH PARK, that I write so many parodies. I am actually not sure when I saw Scary Movie, so let’s just go with late 2001, early 2002.

Celebrity-Jon Stewart-2004

This was a fairly simple choice. He made me laugh at the news again. If you have read my blog about the news (if you haven’t, read it-NOW) you know how amazingly depressing the news is any more.  I hated the news, and then Jon said to me “we know that everything sucks, Let’s make fun of it.” And make fun of it he did.

TV show- Jackass/ Viva La Bam- 2004

These were the last shows on MTV that I watched before it went to Hell. Some would argue that it went to Hell long before that, and I would not argue against them. But, these shows displayed some brilliance deep within their stupidity.  A brilliance that I cannot explain, and it is not my place to explain. After these shows left, we got Tila Tequila and MTV morphed into a giant mound of butt pudding.

Song- Reach for the sky by Social Distortion- 2008

I am trying to live by what this song says- that by worrying about the future, and dwelling on the past makes you miserable in the present. And what if tomorrow doesn’t come? Then you have wasted your life looking at a future that was never going to come into fruition. I know that I will always be thinking about the future and what may or may not happen to me, but I want to learn how to live in the present. I want to reach for the sky cause tomorrow may never come.

Person that I know- My brother 2005-present

Sorry Ashley and Jimmy, but this had to go to my brother. He got me drinking at 16. He was the one to first show me T-shirt Hell, and he introduced me to Metallica, Social Distortion, Slayer, ACDC, and many others. Also, I am sure some of you have heard tales of going to parties with my brother. I have seen more with him than I have seen with most of my friends.  For the longest time I thought he was an asshole, and he is, but I have learned a lot from him. My only wish is that he gave me some of his game with girls. He’s a straight player. It’s ridiculus.

Event- my parent’s divorce- 2003

I tried to think of a different event that changed my life more. I mean I really tried to think of a happy one like : getting the rank of Eagle Scout, graduating high school, hitting puberty (this only happened last week, but it still counts as this decade), but no. Every major event in my life for these past 10 Goddamn years seems to revolve around that one fucking event. Why am I living in Ohio? My mom moved to Ohio and I was given a choice to go with her, or to stay with my dad. I still do not know why I moved but I did. Don’t get me wrong; if I could go back in time, I would make the same decision. Why do I have such a vile sense of humor at times? Because the day my parents told my siblings and I the news, I said to myself “Doug, your life at school sucks. It has always has sucked. Your home was the place that you could go to avoid at least some bullshit. Well, no more. But if my home is going to fall apart, I will be damned if my school life is going to suck too.” Then, I started to say sarcastic things when a classmate said something stupid. This made more people like me. Of course, then I decided to move and I sent all that work right to Hell. I was introduced to T-shirt Hell months after I was told, and I knew my parents were appalled by some of the things on that site, so I started visiting there religiously. Why am I attending OSU? Again the move. I would have probably gone to either Duquesne or Penn State if I stayed in PA. I got sucked into the buckeye mania after moving to Ohio, and my friends from high school were going there. Every event (other than getting Eagle, but it still made it difficult to finish- I had to drive to PA for both my Board of Review, and my ceremony.) had been effected by that.

so this is my last post of the year. I hope you enjoyed my rants, and I hope you will continue to visit my blog in the following decade.

and as a special gift to my readers, many of you whom have not seen a picture of me before 2004, I want to show you what i looked like in 2000, and what I look like now.


God, even I want to beat myself up.


C’mon, of course I went shirtless with this pic. Now, BOW TO MY EPIC ABS!!!

Thank you for reading.

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