So, I’ve Decided to Rename my Dick.

Yes you read that right, rename- as in my dick and balls already have a name. Yes, they do. Here is the story.

My senior year of high school the marching band and I went down to Florida. But before that, in Physics, Conner Randal (I don’t remember his real name so, let’s just call him that) and I were talking about the trip.  Conner was not going, because he is “too cool” for band, but in reality, he was waaay too cool for band, and also not talented at music whatsoever. Anyway, since I was going to a state with a high Latin American population, we got onto the subject of hot Latinas.

Conner said, “Latinas are almost always hot. You should try to score with one while you’re down there.”

“Yea!” I exclaimed, “I bet there will be tons working at the hotel.”

That was basically the end of the conversation, but my mind kept going. I couldn’t stop thinking about how awesome it would be if I could nail a hot Cuban day laborer while I was down there. what insued was a fantasy that I am going to share with you now. Brace yourselves.

"Yo quiero ser tu mujer," the sexy latina whispered into my ear.

My friends leave the hotel room without me, either because they are dicks, or I secretly know what’s going to happen so I leave after them because I don’t want them cock-blocking me. Either way, I am walking down the corridor alone and dripping with sexual energy. Or maybe sweat, I cannot tell because of how horny I am. As I head toward the elevator, I see an incredibly sexy maid drop her feather duster. Ignoring the fact that this hotel is the only facility left on the planet that still employs the “feather duster method,” I pick it up and hand it to her. our eyes meet. We stare, only for a moment or two, but we stare all the same. She looks just like what you would expect a woman who is some kind of Spanish would look like, but 500 times hotter. Why she is working as a maid and not a model, you ask? Because that would not be consistent with the story, now would it?

“Oh, muchas gracias senior,” she said as she took the feather duster with my hand, and tickled my epic pecs with the feathers.

“Don’t mention it,” I said smoothly, while lighting a cigarette.


What I look like when I light up.


She then said, “Oy Papi, I am so hungry, do you have anything to eat.”

I gave her a little smile and said, “Well you can have a taste of El Churro Gigantico.”

At that moment, my mind came to a screeching halt. El Churro Gigantico. That was all I could think about. That name- for my dick. Can you say Hells to the yea?!?! From there, keeping with the ethnic foods theme, I named my left ball “Matzo,” and my right, “Swedish Meat.”

But that was four years ago. I have grown as a person since then (Or at least for purposes of this blog I have,) I don’t hang out with anyone that I did from highschool, and I feel I should name my junk something that  reflects who I am now. I have compiled a list of names for my dick, along with the reason I am conseidering it, the pros of the name, and the cons of the name. Here they are:

  1. Pheonix

Name for balls: ?

Reason: Because just as a phoenix dies and is then reborn, a boner will go flaccid and then become hard again.

Pros: The phoenix is a fucking awesome creature, plus they’re mythical, so people could come to believe that my dick is that of legends.

Cons: Phoenix is also the name of a mutant in the X-men series who generally tends to fuck shit right up. No that might not sound so bad, but in the movie, she also killed people, and I don’t want my dick to be associated with murder- or do I? And, it could also lead people to believe that I am a fire crotch. I would rather people believe that my shindig is dangerous than believe that it is covered in red hair [gag.]

2. President Taft

Name for balls: members of his cabinet- Richard Ballinger, and Jacob Dickinson. I swear I did not make those up.

Reason: because my dick is always getting stuck in things

Pros:  Taft will finally be remembered for something other than the bathtub incident

Cons: Taft was a racist by today’s standards. And my dick does not see color, mainly because it has no eyes.

3. Tommy Lee

AKA walking bag of STDs

Name for balls: Motley and Crue, or just refer to them as his Motley Crue

Reason: I think this one is self explanatory

Pros: this could insinuate that the real Tommy Lee is a dick, or that my dick is huge

Cons: my dick will contract Hepatitis from being named that

4. The Fountain of Youth

Name for the balls: ?

Reason: because what woman doesn’t want to look young forever

Pros: I could get cougars with a name like this

Cons: I could also get hags and women with a piss fetish. Also, I could get sued for false advertizing

5. Tommy Gun

Name for balls: loaded magazines 1 &2

Reason: because my dick can shoot projectiles that could have the potential of being named Tommy one day.

Pros: This could insinuate that I am a prohibition era gangster

Cons: There are dozens of more awesome guns out there these days. A Tommy gun is very, very outdated. Most of them probably don’t even work anymore. Can you see where I am going with this?

So those are my ideas so far, but I still need more. This is where you, my readers come in. If you have any ideas for what I should name my junk, then I want you to put the idea in the comments below. You can  post a comment even if you don’t have a WordPress account; just leave your email (no one sees it. It is to notify you when I reply to it.)

My one rule is that the name you come up with  must follow is the “How to lose a guy in 10 days rule.” IE, no cutesy, girly crap, it has to be masculine, and incredibly awesome. Also, if you have suggestions for my balls for #s 1 and 4, they would be greatly  appreciated.

Oh, and Misty (I know you’re reading this), your comment on my last blog gave me the idea for this one, so thanks.


Oh, and if you were wondering if i got laid on the Florida trip by a sexy maid, i did not, but I did get hit on by a bunch of girls from Spain. So that was pretty cool.


The News Has Never Been So Sexy, or Disturbing.

Have you noticed how depressing the news is anymore? It doesn’t matter what news station you watch, because after five minutes of any station, you will have a sneaking suspicion that someone is trying to kill you. Also, have you noticed how incredibly hot the Anchor ladies are becoming? Seriously, some of these women need to pose for playboy, or at least Maxim. Shit, I would settle for a Tijuana bible of some of them.

Breaking News: I am pitching a tent!

But it makes sense, you need incredibly attractive women reading the news or ranting incoherently like all pundits, because, lets be honest- the world is not headed to Hell, it is sprinting there, knocking over little old ladies that get in its way. We need hot anchor ladies just because boobs make men smile, and we need something to make us feel better after watching anything on Fox News or MSNBC. This does cause some problems however. For instance, it starts arguments between my dick and my brain about what we are going to watch. My brain doesn’t like to watch the news, because the news makes my brain cry. My dick loves watching the news because the anchor ladies makes my dick cry in a good way. This would lead to many a evening where I would have a headache and be left feeling very frustrated (if you know what I mean.)

This went on for several days before my dick and brain decided that their silly arguing was not getting us anywhere. The three of us decided to search for other means of entertainment. We started with (much to the chagrin of my brain) sticking my dick in random objects. This lead to some comedic and oftentimes tragic consequences, and I am sure one of said consequences ended up on youtube somewhere.

Anyway, from there I discovered a little invention called the internet. It was amazing! All of the most beautiful women in the San Fernando Valley were all in this one place, getting fucked 24/7. I was going to attempt to break into the internet and see if I could get in on the action, but then I discovered the true face of the internet. S&M,  Simpson anime porn, and most evil video of all: 2 girls 1 cup. I had to take three showers after watching that video, and I still felt unclean. And then there was this thing (I swear, showed me this.)

when photoshop goes horribly, horribly wrong...

After that, I decided to quit arm wrestling the Cyclops, and went out to look for some sweet panooch myself. As it turns out, I am incredibly awkward, do not know how to flirt, and second guess myself when I think a girl likes me. Oh, how I wish those were jokes.

The point I am trying to make is that I used up all of my other resources for arousal; I only had three options left: becoming a peeping tom, gay porn (there’s got to be some chicks in it, right?), or the news. Deciding that the former two were more illegal and contained waaay too much sodomy than I care for, I decided to go back to the news. My brain developed a plan to deal with all that noise that those pretty on air personalities produce. That plan was called “Operation: Mute That Bitch.” I would turn onto the news station with the sexiest anchor ladies, and press the mute button. I would then imagine what these women were saying to me. I will give you a brief example of our conversations.

Jillian Hottits- Thank you for watching Minigan Blackwood, I missed you. I missed you so hard.

don't speak, just look pretty for the camera.

Me- I missed you too baby. What do you want to do tonight? What the Hell is he doing here?

Douchebag Scallywag- Sorry Minigan, but I will be jumping in between you two to sporadically kill your erection.

what a douche

Jillian- Your huge, throbbing, man erection

Douchebag- Yes, I will be deflating that. By the end of this program you should feel like your dick is bipolar.

Me- Get off the Screen, Douchebag!

Jillian- Sorry Minigan, but you know the rules. Anyway, did you bring the whippedcream?

Me- I sure did!

Jillian- Good, now squirt it on my big fake boobs.

Me- But you are just a TV screen, I can’t put on your che-

Jillian- JUST DO IT!!!

Me- OK, OK, just calm down. [sprays the whipped cream on the TV, over Jillian’s chest]

Jillian- Oooohhh baby, yea just like that. Now lick it off.

Me- oh, yeah! [starts licking] mmm… you taste so good. Do you like the way I lick you, baby?

Me- Baby?  [looks up] Oh, what the fuck!

Douchebag- This just in: Minigan Blackwood is licking whipped cream off of my suit, proving once again that he is my bitch.

Me- Fuck you

Douchebag- No sir, fuck you.

Me-Put Jillian back on, you slimy, cock gobbling excuse for human placenta!

Jillian- What did you call me?

Me- I didn’t call you anything, baby. Now, where were we?

Jillian-  I was just about to tell you what I want you to do to me.

Me- What do you want me to do to you?

Jillian- I want you to-

Douchebag- suck my old hairy balls

Me- NEVER!!!!

Douchebag- and then I want-

Jillian- you to gently kiss me all over my body. Start at the neck, and slowly work your way down to my navel. Then, before you head down south, I want you to lick my belly button while you –

Douchebag- fondle my big, floppy man boobs. Then you should-

Random black buy that stands in front of a map of the US- DIE MOTHERFUCKER!!!

the most terrifying weatherman ever

Me- Oh, shit no! the racist stereotype is back! Please don’t shoot me, For the love of Yaweh!!!

Stereotype- IT’S GONNA RAIN, BITCH!!

Me- Please, I’ll do anything! Just don’t kill me!

Stereotype- Fine get down on your knees.

Me- Ok, Ok. [begins to sob like a little girl]

Jillian- seeing you cry like that makes me so hot. Mmmm yea, sooo hot!

Me- Thank God you’re back! That racist and inaccurate stereotype was going to kill me.

Jillian-  It’s ok, baby. I’ll make-

Douchebag- You toss my salad, then I’ll-


Me- fuck it, I’m done with this shit. [turns off the TV, wipes away the remaining whippedcream. goes into the bathroom, turns on the shower, climbs in, and curls into a ball and weeps uncontrollably]

I may go to Hell for this post.  Hope you enjoyed it!

Reese’s Peaces are nothing but feces

pictured: a pile of shit

Jimmy, you’re welcome.

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